Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

Guest CattalieChan

Domestic abuse help...

Recommended Posts

Guest CattalieChan

I.. I was hurt yesterday. I tried to tell my mate (mtf).. that I was going to play with someone she knew and was trying to be friends with. She stopped trying to be friends since she couldn't handle him being poly, and banned me from talking to him or his mate.. I said I'd just play once a month just to make myself happier. I'm more her caretaker than her mate... I told her that I want to have my own relationships, with friends and someone to play with. Since she is so co dependent on me, and I can't bear to hurt her, I just want her to at least have me.

I sent her a message, which I'll post on here Monday, and she... She came out crying. She grabbed the back of my neck and yelled at me... throwing me around. She grabbed my hair and threw me on the bed and hit me and slapped my face before stopping.... I've told her about the things I like and what kind of actions can manipulate me... I've been joking about just giving up and letting her... just keep me, abusivley.... But I was.. I was trying to move past that by doing that for myself and... I just broke from the abuse. I just took it.. I just felt like I deserved it.. like I'd asked for it... I'm not physically hurt from it but... mentally I'm traumatized.

I... I just tried to comfort her after.. I haven't even gotten the strength to talk to my friends who know where I live yet... lest they try to get her in trouble... I just made it seem ok. I just tried to hide how hurt and traumatized I am.. to just give myself up and say I wouldn't do that.. and... I don't know how to move on and... get her some help... I know I need to see my therapist.... I.. I wish I was strong enough to just... go stay with a friend but... that will make the situation so much worse and I can't deal with it now.. I just.. want it to be Monday so I can be apart from her for a few hours...

Please.. I don't know how I can be strong enough to not loose myself... I dont know how to address her because if I do she'll just... She'll either act like I did the worse thing or just feel bad for herself to the point of guilting me to forgive her or whatever..

 

i have no idea if this goes here or not, please move to the proper forum..

Share this post


Link to post
MarcieMarie12

Your partner is wrong (and assaulting you is a criminal act) to treat you in this manner. It is not your fault. It seems to me that not only is she trying to isolate you to control you, but is also emotionally blackmailing you, and physically abusing you in the process. You need to get out of that situation, it is potentially a life threatening situation for you.

I found a national hotline for domestic violence that may be of some help to you:

http://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/lgbt-abuse/

You can also call them at 1-800-799-Safe (7233).

Get to a friends house and stay there, do not leave yourself alone with your mate at this point. She could escalate things rather quickly. You do not deserve to be treated this way.

Hugs,

Marcie 

Share this post


Link to post
Charlize

i agree completely with Marcie.  Get away as soon as as safely as you can.  Your partner has serious problems and needs help from a professional.  It is not your fault nor is there anything you can do but escape before you are seriously hurt.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

Share this post


Link to post
Timber Wolf

Hi CattilieChan,

Your mate is in need of professional help. Without that kind of help, it never gets better. It's a serious situation you're in. It's hard when you feel emotionally dependant on that person, but the abuse will not stop, no matter how much you try to make them happy. That's because the problem is not with you, it's with your mate. There's nothing you can do to stop his abusive behaviour. The only thing you can do is leave, and never go back there by yourself. If your mate calls begging you to come back, swearing it will never happen again, he may be completely in earnest, but it will not work out that way. I have seen this so many times working as a security officer at an apartment complex. They return to thier partners afterward, only to be beaten again. The only one who can break that cycle is you. And the only way to do it is to leave your mate and stay away. This may even inspire your mate to seek the help they need.

 

Lots of love and a big hug,

Timber Wolf?

Share this post


Link to post
Charlize

I just got in from doing the farm chores and was thinking about you and this issue.  I recommend that as soon as you can safely get out of the situation you do so.  get to a friend or shelter and tell the police the situation.  You do not have to press charges but a restraining order should protect you from future and worse violence.  Whether you were hurt badly or not this time it will only get worse and there is nothing you can do but get out and start over elsewhere.  She obviously has problems but you will not be the one who can give the help she needs and instead must care for yourself.  Sorry to be so blunt but i fear for you.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

Share this post


Link to post
Guest CattalieChan

Just to add, here is what I wrote to my mate..

So.. Let me lay out everything for you plainly. I have been taking to Cory, even though you told me not to. I talked with him about being his sub, and I talked to his mate in a purely friendly way. I want to do someting with him, once a month at most (and only with him, he does not play with his mate). I'm guessing you kind of knew I would do something with someone anyway... It.. I just.. sigh. I just want to make decisions about my kink life withouth being deathly concerned for your wellbeing. And no, I did not talk about being submissive with him before you told me to stop talking; I just wanted to talk to him. If I do this, it will be giving up so little of my attention to you, so I can start taking better care of myself. And don't use the trip as fire against me... going on the trip like I did was a mistake, made in a time when I felt differently and messed up badly. I am so so sorry I did it.
I.. I don't want to have to do this. I want to be everything I can be for you. I don't want to cause you pain. I spent 3 years trying to work myself out in a different way.... It's difficult for me to say this rather than just... Letting go of what I want out of my life. I see how you suffer. I see how I've caused you so much pain. I need to start actually working through this thoguh, instead of trying to trap myself in a new cycle of self abuse. I am a submissive polyamorus girl. I am so so sorry I didn't know this before I was with you... I just... I had no idea what love was, and I didn't know what to do.
I guess the real question in all this is what will this mean for you. The thing that I want to try to do now is get you help, and help you allong the way. The point of it is not to change who you are, but to help you deal with your feelings, with who you are. You can't go on like you are. I don't think your reasoning or your needs are wrong, but the way you deal with life is just not working. People can deal with not getting what they need without being as incapasitated as you get. It's counterproductive, and has a manipulating effect on how I think. You have a lot going for you. You are smart, you are attractive (yes you are flawed, like a normal -censored- person, so don't debate that crap), you have passionate interests, you are very talented at being cute. You need to better yourself. If you truly care about me as anything other than a caretaking object, you will start to work through your life.
I know how hard this is for you. I want you to find someone to be with, more than anything. I really think that if you can better youself, you will have a much better chance of finding someone who you want to be with. Who you can truly love. I feel bad that I can never express love as truly as you do. Not even from be being poly, just... my nature is to not cause people to be tied to me. It's why I'd always have loved you to find someone better. I care so deeply about you... It's a different and just... not as powerful form of love.
I know this is way too much to process.. But it's all here. I'm expressing how I feel in the most solid, rational, and real way I can....
The first thing is I want to negotiate bounaries with you. I know it sounds... awful I guess.... but I mean it more in the terms of what my boundaries are towards you... The first thing, I want you to do for me, when you calm down, is to clearly state what you want from me now. I thi.. i...cries god it is so hard for me to do this. I feel so -censored- bad that I have to... I dunno try to take care of myself or wahterver.... I feel so -censored- guilty that I am a -lovely person-. I feel so -censored- guilty that I said... you know what... no... I'm not going to hold it over my head that I told you I'd never leave. I have changed since then... I... I wanted to cripple my desires to take care of you. I -censored- love you so much and I will always love you.
Ok... I was trying to say that I will, from now on, understand how long I will be gone and where I will be gone to before I do anything. That is the main boundary I can think of that is perfectly logical for taking care of you, and one that I will keep or not go out.

Just... as a final note... I love you... I didn't spend 3 years with you out of fear that you'd kill yourself, or your depression. I've spent my time with you because I see something in you. Because I see that you are worth having. Because I see a person who just need someone, and who can make so much more out of love than basically anyone else. I am proud of the things you have done. I am proud of how good you are at work, how well you delt with me being gone, how well you picked up programming, and again how talented you are at being cute. Please... start to love yourself.. Or at least be begrugingly ok with yourself. I know how hard it is to care about yourself... I still don't quite know how to do it... but... I guess this is my attempt.

Love
-Natalie

Share this post


Link to post
Guest CattalieChan

I do at least have some friends that I could go to, but it's her that needs to get away, since my dad is the one paying.. But I don't know where she would go...

As for a shelter... I wouldn't trust them unless they also take men, which none of them seem to do :/. I have talked on a texting hotline but I fell asleep. I'll get on IM soon..

Also, Timber Wolf, She, not he. I don't know if you misread, but either way I would never let anyone take away that she is female, no matter how bad she treats me. Again, not sure if it was a mistake, but that is something I feel strongly about.

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Timber Wolf
23 hours ago, CattalieChan said:

 

Also, Timber Wolf, She, not he. I don't know if you misread, but either way I would never let anyone take away that she is female, no matter how bad she treats me. Again, not sure if it was a mistake, but that is something I feel strongly about.

 

 

I'm sorry that I goofed. I did not realise it was a she. My fault.

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf?

Share this post


Link to post
Ravin

I think asserting healthy boundaries is a good starting point. For a poly relationship to be healthy, there has to be agreement about what the boundaries are. For a kink dynamic relationship to be healthy, there likewise has to be agreement on boundaries. 

Abuse is not acceptable. And it is not the fault of the victim.

If you want to look for a safe DV shelter, I suggest looking at radremedy.org for resources in your area. Another option might be to seek a domestic violence protection order, which in many jurisdictions can be used to force an abuser out of the victim's home. Check with your local court or community legal services.

Share this post


Link to post

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

  • Who's Online   6 Members, 0 Anonymous, 82 Guests (See full list)

    • Dana Michelle
    • MaryMary
    • Ryan
    • Cyndee
    • Teejay
    • Shay
  • Topics With Zero Replies

  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      71,681
    • Total Posts
      652,420
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      7,244
    • Most Online
      8,356

    thetundrawolf
    Newest Member
    thetundrawolf
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. CaptainC_Cookies
      CaptainC_Cookies
    2. ElianaKhan
      ElianaKhan
    3. Katincrisis
      Katincrisis
      (42 years old)
    4. mara13
      mara13
      (49 years old)
  • Posts

    • Cyndee
      Gratitude, a lovely expression
    • Cyndee
      me 2     I love frisbee Dee, and also keep several discs here. Nothing as fun as frisbee disc tossing with friends at the beach, a lovely pastime. I'll gladly toss it with you sometime   Hugs   Cyndee    
    • Ms Maddie
      How many times have I been in my knees, begging God to fix me and everything??  Begging.   Five hundred?   How many times have I cursed God, thrown vile swear words at Jesus, God, whoever for not fixing me and the world?,( in my timing and in ways that I could see it) Fifty?   How many times have I asked the name of Jesus, God, and angels to save me and keep my eternal soul? Five?   I love angels and they love me! Sometimes they show this love by interfering.   Do I believe? I say yes, but I must try to do so at times.   Praise the Lord for making me a girl that is becoming a woman!!
    • Mx.Drago
      I blinked...
    • Mx.Drago
      Why do I see through these eyes What dare I stand witness being Will these lessons return Was it worth this pain The endless cycle of suffering Paying the Riverman to cross Might as well just be swimming For I'm already drowning So much can be done And all will pass A student and child Stuck till the light sets at last.          
    •  Kylie
      @Susan R pain levels are very stable. I have been getting these ‘jolts’ Of my nerves waking back up, those have been interesting.  Earlier this afternoon I was experiencing a pretty satisfying tingle and that actually turned out to be the packing trying to come out. It has been the weirdest pain yet .   I can’t wait to experience the new exciting sensations to learn how my body is recovering. I do know that I’ve been luck with almost minimal swelling and only bruising noted to my ‘taint’ area. Currently, just laying in the hotel bed catching up on 90 Day Fiancé with my best friend. Debating a nice Benadryl and Tylenol cocktail later for sleep!  Any questions you can think of, I don’t mind trying to answer based off of my personal experiences! Kylie
    • Susan R
      Good to hear Kylie. Have the pain levels stabilized? Are there any instances where you think, Oh what was that?   I appreciate these updates very much.   My Best, Susan R🌷
    • DeeDee
      I love this thread, but found it harder to answer than I thought Shay. Possibly because over the years my ex made me choose between my passions and her, and I always chose her. 😨   My biggest passion first and foremost is for my kids and family. 💖 My children are amazing and I love them to bits. I also have 4 sisters fairly close in age and regularly think we are unknowingly starring in some unscripted black comedy due to the almost constant drama in our lives.   Outside of that my position as a Christian minister and the privilege that my faith enables me to help others through some of the best and worst times of their lives.(This is very personal to me, but happy to chat privately if folks are curious about it)   D&D - getting together in person or online and being part of a creative story where almost anything can and will happen. So much fun!   Ultimate frisbee - though I haven't played in over a decade I still deeply love the sport and throwing a disc around with my friends. I never go anywhere without a disc in the car, just in case...   Swimming - Whether it's in the sea, a river, or a loch I cannot wait to get wet once I discover somewhere with open water. It may be cold when you dive in, but once you're acclimatised nothing beats it for me and I always feel amazing afterwards.   At the bottom I would actually place my most common hobbies: gaming, reading and binge watching films, TV and YT Series - I do them for escape and some introverted social connection but am not really passionate about them specifically but I certainly wouldn't want my life without them.    
    •  Kylie
      Thanks all! Been a pretty decent day. Packing decided it wants to start coming out. So a little extra reinforcement and all is well. I think my surgical team gets a kick out of my concerns, all have been benign.    Going to enjoy a good meal tonight and sleep up for tomorrow. Pretty exhausted today!    ❤️
    • Shay
      @Tori M did you see the guy and his wife on CBS Sunday Morning who photographs and paints birds. You are probably familiar with him. I appreciate your passion. And love the photo you posted.
    • Tori M
      I think some of you already know my fascination with nature, but my main passion now is birds.  Not just feeding or watching them, but "chasing" them and, most interesting, learning as much as I can about their lives.  This started in 2014 and at one point I was spending almost every waking moment watching, reading or chasing them.  Chasing means traveling miles and hours to catch sight of a rarity or exploring environs different than our own neighborhood to find different species.  Lately, I am less obsessed and haven't traveled as much but it's not unusual for me to load up the car with binoculars, scopes and cameras and spend the whole day driving around looking for great sightings. In the east, birding is largely a summer sport but to my total surprise, here on the west coast it's a year-round venture.  Yes, the birds fly south, but there's a whole different batch that summer in Canada and the Arctic that also fly south.... to here!  So, in the summertime, birding is about migrating songbirds, but in the winter there are millions of waterfowl and sparrows here.  It's a funtastic hobby and I'm always [too] eager to answer questions and educate, lol.  I'm not an expert but I've crammed a lot of learning into a few short years.   Sandhill crane w/cygnet (not my photo) Sandhill cranes have been around for at least 2.5 million years
    • Shay
      If my Chautauqua Series is able to?start up again after Clovis there is a girl who plans to do a program on the American home appliances from the 1950s 1960s and 1970s. For those not familiar?with Chautauquas they are first person living history where the presenter is usually a well known person and you learn so much more about that person. This girl would be a generic housewife. We have had usually 2 a month every month for 14 years until covid came. We do it as a donation basis and have musicians open with period music. We have a wide range of people from George Washington to robin Williams Tecumseh to sacagawea. Jesse James to rosemary Clooney carry nation to general Dwight eisenhower Beethoven to solar schlindler Laura singles wilder to Walt Whitman. Sorry I miss these shows they are fun and enjoyable.
    • Ryan
    • Shay
      @Dev this site is amazing and so user friendly. Thank you so much... Shay
    • Tori M
      I find that an unusual but very intriguing hobby!  The first time I heard of it was a boy guesting on a TV talk show (was it Ellen?  Leno??).  They're interesting machines that transformed the American home and housework.  I once sold Rainbows and got to see one of the very early models.... all steel and weighed a TON.  No more nerdy than my fascination with bridges, lol❣️
  • Upcoming Events

×
×
  • Create New...