Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Domestic abuse help...


Guest CattalieChan

Recommended Posts

Guest CattalieChan

I.. I was hurt yesterday. I tried to tell my mate (mtf).. that I was going to play with someone she knew and was trying to be friends with. She stopped trying to be friends since she couldn't handle him being poly, and banned me from talking to him or his mate.. I said I'd just play once a month just to make myself happier. I'm more her caretaker than her mate... I told her that I want to have my own relationships, with friends and someone to play with. Since she is so co dependent on me, and I can't bear to hurt her, I just want her to at least have me.

I sent her a message, which I'll post on here Monday, and she... She came out crying. She grabbed the back of my neck and yelled at me... throwing me around. She grabbed my hair and threw me on the bed and hit me and slapped my face before stopping.... I've told her about the things I like and what kind of actions can manipulate me... I've been joking about just giving up and letting her... just keep me, abusivley.... But I was.. I was trying to move past that by doing that for myself and... I just broke from the abuse. I just took it.. I just felt like I deserved it.. like I'd asked for it... I'm not physically hurt from it but... mentally I'm traumatized.

I... I just tried to comfort her after.. I haven't even gotten the strength to talk to my friends who know where I live yet... lest they try to get her in trouble... I just made it seem ok. I just tried to hide how hurt and traumatized I am.. to just give myself up and say I wouldn't do that.. and... I don't know how to move on and... get her some help... I know I need to see my therapist.... I.. I wish I was strong enough to just... go stay with a friend but... that will make the situation so much worse and I can't deal with it now.. I just.. want it to be Monday so I can be apart from her for a few hours...

Please.. I don't know how I can be strong enough to not loose myself... I dont know how to address her because if I do she'll just... She'll either act like I did the worse thing or just feel bad for herself to the point of guilting me to forgive her or whatever..

 

i have no idea if this goes here or not, please move to the proper forum..

Link to comment

Your partner is wrong (and assaulting you is a criminal act) to treat you in this manner. It is not your fault. It seems to me that not only is she trying to isolate you to control you, but is also emotionally blackmailing you, and physically abusing you in the process. You need to get out of that situation, it is potentially a life threatening situation for you.

I found a national hotline for domestic violence that may be of some help to you:

http://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/lgbt-abuse/

You can also call them at 1-800-799-Safe (7233).

Get to a friends house and stay there, do not leave yourself alone with your mate at this point. She could escalate things rather quickly. You do not deserve to be treated this way.

Hugs,

Marcie 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

i agree completely with Marcie.  Get away as soon as as safely as you can.  Your partner has serious problems and needs help from a professional.  It is not your fault nor is there anything you can do but escape before you are seriously hurt.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Hi CattilieChan,

Your mate is in need of professional help. Without that kind of help, it never gets better. It's a serious situation you're in. It's hard when you feel emotionally dependant on that person, but the abuse will not stop, no matter how much you try to make them happy. That's because the problem is not with you, it's with your mate. There's nothing you can do to stop his abusive behaviour. The only thing you can do is leave, and never go back there by yourself. If your mate calls begging you to come back, swearing it will never happen again, he may be completely in earnest, but it will not work out that way. I have seen this so many times working as a security officer at an apartment complex. They return to thier partners afterward, only to be beaten again. The only one who can break that cycle is you. And the only way to do it is to leave your mate and stay away. This may even inspire your mate to seek the help they need.

 

Lots of love and a big hug,

Timber Wolf?

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

I just got in from doing the farm chores and was thinking about you and this issue.  I recommend that as soon as you can safely get out of the situation you do so.  get to a friend or shelter and tell the police the situation.  You do not have to press charges but a restraining order should protect you from future and worse violence.  Whether you were hurt badly or not this time it will only get worse and there is nothing you can do but get out and start over elsewhere.  She obviously has problems but you will not be the one who can give the help she needs and instead must care for yourself.  Sorry to be so blunt but i fear for you.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

Link to comment
Guest CattalieChan

Just to add, here is what I wrote to my mate..

So.. Let me lay out everything for you plainly. I have been taking to Cory, even though you told me not to. I talked with him about being his sub, and I talked to his mate in a purely friendly way. I want to do someting with him, once a month at most (and only with him, he does not play with his mate). I'm guessing you kind of knew I would do something with someone anyway... It.. I just.. sigh. I just want to make decisions about my kink life withouth being deathly concerned for your wellbeing. And no, I did not talk about being submissive with him before you told me to stop talking; I just wanted to talk to him. If I do this, it will be giving up so little of my attention to you, so I can start taking better care of myself. And don't use the trip as fire against me... going on the trip like I did was a mistake, made in a time when I felt differently and messed up badly. I am so so sorry I did it.
I.. I don't want to have to do this. I want to be everything I can be for you. I don't want to cause you pain. I spent 3 years trying to work myself out in a different way.... It's difficult for me to say this rather than just... Letting go of what I want out of my life. I see how you suffer. I see how I've caused you so much pain. I need to start actually working through this thoguh, instead of trying to trap myself in a new cycle of self abuse. I am a submissive polyamorus girl. I am so so sorry I didn't know this before I was with you... I just... I had no idea what love was, and I didn't know what to do.
I guess the real question in all this is what will this mean for you. The thing that I want to try to do now is get you help, and help you allong the way. The point of it is not to change who you are, but to help you deal with your feelings, with who you are. You can't go on like you are. I don't think your reasoning or your needs are wrong, but the way you deal with life is just not working. People can deal with not getting what they need without being as incapasitated as you get. It's counterproductive, and has a manipulating effect on how I think. You have a lot going for you. You are smart, you are attractive (yes you are flawed, like a normal -censored- person, so don't debate that crap), you have passionate interests, you are very talented at being cute. You need to better yourself. If you truly care about me as anything other than a caretaking object, you will start to work through your life.
I know how hard this is for you. I want you to find someone to be with, more than anything. I really think that if you can better youself, you will have a much better chance of finding someone who you want to be with. Who you can truly love. I feel bad that I can never express love as truly as you do. Not even from be being poly, just... my nature is to not cause people to be tied to me. It's why I'd always have loved you to find someone better. I care so deeply about you... It's a different and just... not as powerful form of love.
I know this is way too much to process.. But it's all here. I'm expressing how I feel in the most solid, rational, and real way I can....
The first thing is I want to negotiate bounaries with you. I know it sounds... awful I guess.... but I mean it more in the terms of what my boundaries are towards you... The first thing, I want you to do for me, when you calm down, is to clearly state what you want from me now. I thi.. i...cries god it is so hard for me to do this. I feel so -censored- bad that I have to... I dunno try to take care of myself or wahterver.... I feel so -censored- guilty that I am a -lovely person-. I feel so -censored- guilty that I said... you know what... no... I'm not going to hold it over my head that I told you I'd never leave. I have changed since then... I... I wanted to cripple my desires to take care of you. I -censored- love you so much and I will always love you.
Ok... I was trying to say that I will, from now on, understand how long I will be gone and where I will be gone to before I do anything. That is the main boundary I can think of that is perfectly logical for taking care of you, and one that I will keep or not go out.

Just... as a final note... I love you... I didn't spend 3 years with you out of fear that you'd kill yourself, or your depression. I've spent my time with you because I see something in you. Because I see that you are worth having. Because I see a person who just need someone, and who can make so much more out of love than basically anyone else. I am proud of the things you have done. I am proud of how good you are at work, how well you delt with me being gone, how well you picked up programming, and again how talented you are at being cute. Please... start to love yourself.. Or at least be begrugingly ok with yourself. I know how hard it is to care about yourself... I still don't quite know how to do it... but... I guess this is my attempt.

Love
-Natalie

Link to comment
Guest CattalieChan

I do at least have some friends that I could go to, but it's her that needs to get away, since my dad is the one paying.. But I don't know where she would go...

As for a shelter... I wouldn't trust them unless they also take men, which none of them seem to do :/. I have talked on a texting hotline but I fell asleep. I'll get on IM soon..

Also, Timber Wolf, She, not he. I don't know if you misread, but either way I would never let anyone take away that she is female, no matter how bad she treats me. Again, not sure if it was a mistake, but that is something I feel strongly about.

 

 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
23 hours ago, CattalieChan said:

 

Also, Timber Wolf, She, not he. I don't know if you misread, but either way I would never let anyone take away that she is female, no matter how bad she treats me. Again, not sure if it was a mistake, but that is something I feel strongly about.

 

 

I'm sorry that I goofed. I did not realise it was a she. My fault.

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf?

Link to comment

I think asserting healthy boundaries is a good starting point. For a poly relationship to be healthy, there has to be agreement about what the boundaries are. For a kink dynamic relationship to be healthy, there likewise has to be agreement on boundaries. 

Abuse is not acceptable. And it is not the fault of the victim.

If you want to look for a safe DV shelter, I suggest looking at radremedy.org for resources in your area. Another option might be to seek a domestic violence protection order, which in many jurisdictions can be used to force an abuser out of the victim's home. Check with your local court or community legal services.

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   10 Members, 0 Anonymous, 60 Guests (See full list)

    • April Marie
    • MaeBe
    • Abby Gen
    • awkward-yet-sweet
    • Ashley0616
    • Markianor
    • Astrid
    • AllieJ
    • Betty K
    • Maddee
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.5k
    • Total Posts
      767.3k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      11,948
    • Most Online
      8,356

    FinnyFinsterHH
    Newest Member
    FinnyFinsterHH
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Amyjay
      Amyjay
      (58 years old)
    2. bettyjean
      bettyjean
    3. Breanna
      Breanna
      (52 years old)
    4. Emily Ayla
      Emily Ayla
    5. JET182
      JET182
  • Posts

    • Ashley0616
      I don’t see any offense taken. My thing is don’t force beliefs on people. Talking about it is fine. 
    • Ivy
      I don't see how.   I know my own spiritual practices are pretty minority.  I don't have a problem with other folk's as long as they're not attacking me.
    • VickySGV
      Best Buy has not been on my "highly preferred" list for some time now because of in-store service in my area.  One security guard, one manager always on break for 8 hours, 5 sales "advisors" in regard to several million $$ in merchandise that I may want to buy a small amount of, but cannot find what I want, and then told to order it online and I can pick it up in 5 hours when I need it NOW.  At least they have not pegged me as Trans for a long time, but you get that they have one unhappy Trans person who has been there.  On the bright side I don't have to worry about financing their donations to anti-trans causes this way because I am not buying anything there.
    • Ivy
      “we understand that it’s unrealistic for Best Buy to leave HRC in the near future because of their political clout.”   Just go after the defenseless.   Or perhaps the Lavender Scare.
    • Davie
      Yeah. Maybe they're getting tired of being laughed at? Or their Trans Panic is wearing off? "All Anti-LGBTQ+ Bills Defeated In Georgia. Every anti-LGBTQ+ bill was defeated in Georgia as the legislature adjourned Sine Die after midnight Thursday. Is the anti-trans panic losing steam, or is it pausing until after the election?" https://www.erininthemorning.com/p/all-anti-lgbtq-bills-defeated-in?publication_id=994764&post_id=143079115&isFreemail=true&r=rebf4&triedRedirect=true
    • Carolyn Marie
      https://spectrumlocalnews.com/hi/hawaii/news/2024/03/27/honolulu-hale-pink-transgender     Carolyn Marie
    • Carolyn Marie
      https://www.desmoinesregister.com/story/entertainment/2024/03/28/transgender-day-of-visibility-events-and-celebrations-in-des-moines-2024/73093751007/     Carolyn Marie
    • Ashley0616
      I'm sorry. Good thing have that. I don't have any friends due to abandoning I get ghosted all the time.  Don't know when to stop communicating
    • VickySGV
      Actually a good start there for us in this group.  You fit into a pattern of which each of us is one piece, but the whole pattern is wide a beautiful.
    • VickySGV
      Welcome to the Forums, as @KathyLaurensaid, we are here to listen to you and help you live your life as you best can.
    • Willow
      I certainly hope I did not offend anyone.  I am well aware that not everyone celebrates the same religious beliefs or holy days.  My ancestors changed from Catholic to Church of Scotland at some point and eventually became Presbyterian.  My father did not believe at all, although he would accompany his grandfather to the church the family went to when his grandfather went to fix something.  My mother found it funny when I became a deacon and I’m certain she is dumbfounded that I am an elder and trying to become a commissioned pastor.   The class I am taking now is about the Old Testament taken from the Jewish perspective but also touches on Islam and leads into Christianity.  The text book talks about all the different ancient religions in the Fertile Crescent and the wars fought between them and some thought as to why.  Generally, food and access to areas that were suitable for growing a variety of things.  Not unlike the discussion we’ve been having.   i lived in Thailand which was principally Buddhist, and I learned a bit about them as well.   Willow 
    • KatieSC
      Instead of a news section, I wonder if we do not need a section titled: You Can't Make This Stuff Up.   I just read this link, https://www.nbcnews.com/nbc-out/out-news/best-buy-offers-screen-lgbtq-nonprofit-donations-conservative-pressure-rcna145603   Apparently, a conservative think tank is getting Best Buy to audit what their employees are donating to, in order to route out LGBTQ support. Is this the 1930s in a European country with designs of having a thousand year empire? What I do not get is Best Buy pandering to this conservative PAC, but then again, we saw how the anti-LGBTQ, and especially the anti-trans forces attacked Budweiser, and Target. 
    • Markianor
      I'm not sure how to start, so I'll just dive right in.   I've been trying (passively until recently) for years to pinpoint my sexuality and my gender. I grew up in a VERY rural, mostly conservative area. When I was a kid in the early-mid 2000's, there was only straight, bi or gay. When people asked if I was bi, I would say "I guess so", or "close enough" because I never focused on or thought about gender when I found myself attracted to someone. "Trans" was a rare term and often misrepresented among teens and young adults. "Pansexual" and "demisexual" did not exist in my area, nor did any terms for gender identity except male, female, or some vague androgyny. I was always very open about my orientation growing up, and my mom and siblings were, for the most part, accepting of who I identified as orientation-wise.   I moved to a major city at 21 and had wonderful, freeing, horizon-broadening experiences that helped me nurture not only my orientation but also opened my eyes to different gender identities. I was very feminine in my early twenties, and frankly, quite underweight. I leaned into that identity (wearing bodycon dresses, fishnets, etc.) although I felt better being seen as "strong" or more athletic than the women around me. As I got older, I started dressing more masculine, and I felt a small rush of gratitude when someone said "sir" and not "ma'am." Dudes would always "correct" themselves when they saw my face. It always bummed me out.   In the past year, I have left the major city and returned home to my smaller town to focus on my mom and siblings, and my relationship to them. I think with the distance from the 'hustle and bustle', I have had a lot of time to consider where I want to be in life, and also who I want to be moving forward. For several years now, I've worn masculine clothes, bound my chest, focused on deepening my voice, even "walking like a man." My mannerisms have completely changed, and I view myself very differently than I did a few years ago.   After a long period of consideration and deep introspection, I have decided to search for a therapist that can help with hormone replacement therapy. I'll be 28 this year but am hoping to process this change healthily and view it as an experience that not only transforms me for the better but also makes me a more empathetic and emotionally aware man.   I do have a few questions as I commit to this change in myself:   What did you say to come out to your family, friends and loved ones? What, today, would you say differently (if anything)? Are there initial steps in the FtM hormone/physical process that you would recommend for taking care of oneself? How did you/how have you navigated hormonal changes in yourself? What is the biggest change you have seen that you did NOT expect? How has transitioning altered your relationships with family (immediate and distant), friends, and potential partners? Is there something in particular you want/wanted to hear or know from your loved ones? Did you hear it? Did it impact you positively or negatively to hear or not hear it? What specific boundaries did you/have you set with your loved ones regarding your transition? Are there boundaries you wish you would have set? Why? Have you found the support you needed to help you through transition? Have you experienced any "[informed] expectation vs reality" clashes? If so, how have you navigated those conflicts?   Thank you so much for any insight. Thank you for taking the time to read, and especially the time and thought to respond. I'm so happy to be here, I'm trying to be concise, but my mind is being pulled in 8 different directions these days.    
    • Ashley0616
      Somewhat. There were times were time felt like it was standing still. I tried to look towards each week. I would count down to the days that I was going to replace estrogen patches and then I would look forward to my next ozempic injection. Plus spending a lot of time on here helped but it was always the end of the day where it seemed slowest. 
    • Abby Gen
      The name is short for Abigail Genevieve.   So if you pronounce it, the second G is soft.  Or just call me Abby.
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...