Domestic abuse help...

[Guest CattalieChan]

I.. I was hurt yesterday. I tried to tell my mate (mtf).. that I was going to play with someone she knew and was trying to be friends with. She stopped trying to be friends since she couldn't handle him being poly, and banned me from talking to him or his mate.. I said I'd just play once a month just to make myself happier. I'm more her caretaker than her mate... I told her that I want to have my own relationships, with friends and someone to play with. Since she is so co dependent on me, and I can't bear to hurt her, I just want her to at least have me.

I sent her a message, which I'll post on here Monday, and she... She came out crying. She grabbed the back of my neck and yelled at me... throwing me around. She grabbed my hair and threw me on the bed and hit me and slapped my face before stopping.... I've told her about the things I like and what kind of actions can manipulate me... I've been joking about just giving up and letting her... just keep me, abusivley.... But I was.. I was trying to move past that by doing that for myself and... I just broke from the abuse. I just took it.. I just felt like I deserved it.. like I'd asked for it... I'm not physically hurt from it but... mentally I'm traumatized.

I... I just tried to comfort her after.. I haven't even gotten the strength to talk to my friends who know where I live yet... lest they try to get her in trouble... I just made it seem ok. I just tried to hide how hurt and traumatized I am.. to just give myself up and say I wouldn't do that.. and... I don't know how to move on and... get her some help... I know I need to see my therapist.... I.. I wish I was strong enough to just... go stay with a friend but... that will make the situation so much worse and I can't deal with it now.. I just.. want it to be Monday so I can be apart from her for a few hours...

Please.. I don't know how I can be strong enough to not loose myself... I dont know how to address her because if I do she'll just... She'll either act like I did the worse thing or just feel bad for herself to the point of guilting me to forgive her or whatever..

 

i have no idea if this goes here or not, please move to the proper forum..

[MarcieMarie12]

Your partner is wrong (and assaulting you is a criminal act) to treat you in this manner. It is not your fault. It seems to me that not only is she trying to isolate you to control you, but is also emotionally blackmailing you, and physically abusing you in the process. You need to get out of that situation, it is potentially a life threatening situation for you.

I found a national hotline for domestic violence that may be of some help to you:

http://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/lgbt-abuse/

You can also call them at 1-800-799-Safe (7233).

Get to a friends house and stay there, do not leave yourself alone with your mate at this point. She could escalate things rather quickly. You do not deserve to be treated this way.

Hugs,

Marcie 

[Charlize]

i agree completely with Marcie.  Get away as soon as as safely as you can.  Your partner has serious problems and needs help from a professional.  It is not your fault nor is there anything you can do but escape before you are seriously hurt.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Timber Wolf]

Hi CattilieChan,

Your mate is in need of professional help. Without that kind of help, it never gets better. It's a serious situation you're in. It's hard when you feel emotionally dependant on that person, but the abuse will not stop, no matter how much you try to make them happy. That's because the problem is not with you, it's with your mate. There's nothing you can do to stop his abusive behaviour. The only thing you can do is leave, and never go back there by yourself. If your mate calls begging you to come back, swearing it will never happen again, he may be completely in earnest, but it will not work out that way. I have seen this so many times working as a security officer at an apartment complex. They return to thier partners afterward, only to be beaten again. The only one who can break that cycle is you. And the only way to do it is to leave your mate and stay away. This may even inspire your mate to seek the help they need.

 

Lots of love and a big hug,

Timber Wolf?

[Charlize]

I just got in from doing the farm chores and was thinking about you and this issue.  I recommend that as soon as you can safely get out of the situation you do so.  get to a friend or shelter and tell the police the situation.  You do not have to press charges but a restraining order should protect you from future and worse violence.  Whether you were hurt badly or not this time it will only get worse and there is nothing you can do but get out and start over elsewhere.  She obviously has problems but you will not be the one who can give the help she needs and instead must care for yourself.  Sorry to be so blunt but i fear for you.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Guest CattalieChan]

Just to add, here is what I wrote to my mate..

So.. Let me lay out everything for you plainly. I have been taking to Cory, even though you told me not to. I talked with him about being his sub, and I talked to his mate in a purely friendly way. I want to do someting with him, once a month at most (and only with him, he does not play with his mate). I'm guessing you kind of knew I would do something with someone anyway... It.. I just.. sigh. I just want to make decisions about my kink life withouth being deathly concerned for your wellbeing. And no, I did not talk about being submissive with him before you told me to stop talking; I just wanted to talk to him. If I do this, it will be giving up so little of my attention to you, so I can start taking better care of myself. And don't use the trip as fire against me... going on the trip like I did was a mistake, made in a time when I felt differently and messed up badly. I am so so sorry I did it.
I.. I don't want to have to do this. I want to be everything I can be for you. I don't want to cause you pain. I spent 3 years trying to work myself out in a different way.... It's difficult for me to say this rather than just... Letting go of what I want out of my life. I see how you suffer. I see how I've caused you so much pain. I need to start actually working through this thoguh, instead of trying to trap myself in a new cycle of self abuse. I am a submissive polyamorus girl. I am so so sorry I didn't know this before I was with you... I just... I had no idea what love was, and I didn't know what to do.
I guess the real question in all this is what will this mean for you. The thing that I want to try to do now is get you help, and help you allong the way. The point of it is not to change who you are, but to help you deal with your feelings, with who you are. You can't go on like you are. I don't think your reasoning or your needs are wrong, but the way you deal with life is just not working. People can deal with not getting what they need without being as incapasitated as you get. It's counterproductive, and has a manipulating effect on how I think. You have a lot going for you. You are smart, you are attractive (yes you are flawed, like a normal -censored- person, so don't debate that crap), you have passionate interests, you are very talented at being cute. You need to better yourself. If you truly care about me as anything other than a caretaking object, you will start to work through your life.
I know how hard this is for you. I want you to find someone to be with, more than anything. I really think that if you can better youself, you will have a much better chance of finding someone who you want to be with. Who you can truly love. I feel bad that I can never express love as truly as you do. Not even from be being poly, just... my nature is to not cause people to be tied to me. It's why I'd always have loved you to find someone better. I care so deeply about you... It's a different and just... not as powerful form of love.
I know this is way too much to process.. But it's all here. I'm expressing how I feel in the most solid, rational, and real way I can....
The first thing is I want to negotiate bounaries with you. I know it sounds... awful I guess.... but I mean it more in the terms of what my boundaries are towards you... The first thing, I want you to do for me, when you calm down, is to clearly state what you want from me now. I thi.. i...cries god it is so hard for me to do this. I feel so -censored- bad that I have to... I dunno try to take care of myself or wahterver.... I feel so -censored- guilty that I am a -lovely person-. I feel so -censored- guilty that I said... you know what... no... I'm not going to hold it over my head that I told you I'd never leave. I have changed since then... I... I wanted to cripple my desires to take care of you. I -censored- love you so much and I will always love you.
Ok... I was trying to say that I will, from now on, understand how long I will be gone and where I will be gone to before I do anything. That is the main boundary I can think of that is perfectly logical for taking care of you, and one that I will keep or not go out.

Just... as a final note... I love you... I didn't spend 3 years with you out of fear that you'd kill yourself, or your depression. I've spent my time with you because I see something in you. Because I see that you are worth having. Because I see a person who just need someone, and who can make so much more out of love than basically anyone else. I am proud of the things you have done. I am proud of how good you are at work, how well you delt with me being gone, how well you picked up programming, and again how talented you are at being cute. Please... start to love yourself.. Or at least be begrugingly ok with yourself. I know how hard it is to care about yourself... I still don't quite know how to do it... but... I guess this is my attempt.

Love
-Natalie

[Guest CattalieChan]

I do at least have some friends that I could go to, but it's her that needs to get away, since my dad is the one paying.. But I don't know where she would go...

As for a shelter... I wouldn't trust them unless they also take men, which none of them seem to do :/. I have talked on a texting hotline but I fell asleep. I'll get on IM soon..

Also, Timber Wolf, She, not he. I don't know if you misread, but either way I would never let anyone take away that she is female, no matter how bad she treats me. Again, not sure if it was a mistake, but that is something I feel strongly about.

 

 

[Guest]

Wow, I'm so sorry.  

[Timber Wolf]

23 hours ago, CattalieChan said:

 

Also, Timber Wolf, She, not he. I don't know if you misread, but either way I would never let anyone take away that she is female, no matter how bad she treats me. Again, not sure if it was a mistake, but that is something I feel strongly about.

 

 

I'm sorry that I goofed. I did not realise it was a she. My fault.

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf?

[Ravin]

I think asserting healthy boundaries is a good starting point. For a poly relationship to be healthy, there has to be agreement about what the boundaries are. For a kink dynamic relationship to be healthy, there likewise has to be agreement on boundaries. 

Abuse is not acceptable. And it is not the fault of the victim.

If you want to look for a safe DV shelter, I suggest looking at radremedy.org for resources in your area. Another option might be to seek a domestic violence protection order, which in many jurisdictions can be used to force an abuser out of the victim's home. Check with your local court or community legal services.