I just closed my eyes again

[Jennifer T]

Climbed aboard the dreamweaver train.

 

[Charlize]

If you decide to get off the train there is a way that has helped me.  There is no reason to go to the end of the line.  The scenery quickly gets ugly and the dream turns bad.  The dreamweaver train quickly becomes a nightmare express.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

 

 

[Jennifer T]

Right now Charlize, the dream is all there is. And the train relieves the pain.

peace

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Jennifer,

Just don't forget, when the train no longer numbs the pain, there is help to get off. We do care.

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf?

[Jennifer T]

I need to get off the train.  I didnt drink anything last night. First time in a while. But it was very difficult. I really, really wanted it.  And been thinking about it this morning. 

 

[Charlize]

WE become powerless over our addictions and i know i was completely unable to stop without help.  I foolishly detoxed myself and could have easily died but even with a short time of abstinence i could not have endured sobriety without others who showed me a path to peace without using.  Please look into the rooms of AA.  It was difficult for me to get there but once i did in time i found a way to live a good, full, mostly happy life with barely a craving.  Life still gets hard at times but i don't need to use now.  

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize an alcoholic

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Jennifer,

I can only second what Charlize has said. Over the last couple months I've gone through some horrendous challenges, challenges I would not have been able to comprehend facing without using just a few years ago. My recovery program is what made my continuing sobriety possible. My very life attests to the success of 12 step programs and the fellowship found in NA and AA. Without them, recovery and sobriety would have been impossible. I invite you to give AA or NA a try. You're worth it!

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf?

[Jennifer T]

I'm not, Timber Wolf. I'm not worth it. 

Its my bane.

 

thanks

[Timber Wolf]

Jennifer, you are worth it to me, and I can also vouch for others that you are worth it to them. We will love you until you can love yourself.❤ 

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf?

[Charlize]

Jennifer i hear your addiction talking not the person you are.  We say in the rooms of AA that alcohol is a cunning, powerful and baffling substance.  It promised me happiness and ended by creating a misery beyond any i had experienced.  At the same time it told me that a drink or using some substance would make it better.  I was at the point of no escape.  I hated myself and my life.  I couldn't quit and using didn't help.  I was blessed by somehow reaching out for help.  I found i wasn't alone and in time i not only quit using but i found joy and peace in my life.

You are starting that process.  We are here to help as we can.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

 

 

[VickySGV]

37 minutes ago, Charlize said:

Jennifer i hear your addiction talking not the person you are.  We say in the rooms of AA that alcohol is a cunning, powerful and baffling substance.  It promised me happiness and ended by creating a misery beyond any i had experienced.

This too is my feeling on reading your post here.  Your "false god" of Alcohol is making noise.  I too had the promise from alcohol that @Charlize talks about here, and like her experienced all of Alcohol' cunning, baffling and powerful claims on my life. 

With sobriety came straightforward answers to who I really was, and what I needed to do.  I found that I was in fact an awesome and desirable person to be with. (Alcohol told me I was a terrible and undesirable person.)  My life dream of finding  my Truest Self has been made a reality, and living that self even more so.

[Jennifer T]

Today is the first day in at least a decade when I haven't had something available to me to drink in the house. On the way home I was planning on picking up something, but didn't. Figured I go out later.

@Charlize @VickySGV,

I don't feel like alcohol ever really promised me anything. Full disclosure - I drink by choice. I don't  always drink to excess. More often than not I simply drink to take the edge off; to forget the pain a little. That isn't promised to me by the bottle , simply what I expect to get. Sometimes, honestly, I don't get what I seek. But other times I do get an evening of bliss where I simply drown my sorrows and laugh a while. It isn't my god though. Simply an escape.

My worth, or lack of such, was determined long before I ever knew anything about alcohol. 

But recently I've started shaking - my hands. And I won't take certain medications the doc prescribes for a medical issue that will react poorly with alcohol usage because I want to have a drink when i choose to.     

And I've had one bout of pancreatitis. I don't want to go through that again.

I feel conflicted. Two wolves fighting in my spirit.

Tonight, at least, I won't drink. But when things hurt too deeply; when there is no escape from my thoughts is it really wrong to seek what it can give?

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Jennifer,

It is of course, up to you. To drink or not is your choice. Nobody else can make you do what you don't want to do. But if you ever decide you want help, you know where you can always find it now. Good luck.

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf?

[Jennifer T]

@Timber Wolf

Here on this forum the one thing we share is our gender dysphoria / trans (whatever) ism. I assume each of you know how deeply it hurts; and how desperate it can make  you feel; the anguish, turmoil, shame, embarrassment, helplessness, etc. when the incongruencies in your heart and mind overwhelm you. And the complete and utter paralyzation it can bring to your life. Its truly frightening.

And in my life that is paired with something that exacerbates it exponentially for me. I don't know any other way to cope. Honestly.  I live a productive life at work and in my family. I contribute. And I care.

But I cannot be what I desire. And there isn't anything else that replaces that. 

Serious question, does this make me an alcoholic? Does this make me a bad person? 

I honestly can't answer that. I don't  know .

 

[Jennifer T]

The 'good luck' always sounds like a brush off to me .  When people feel they cannot any longer  respond adequately to my circular arguments (yes, I'm fully aware I orchestrate such) thats the patent response. And while I do understand it, it still makes me feel as if I'm being 'given up on'.

then i get embarrassed and disappear.  

Sorry.

[VickySGV]

3 hours ago, Jennifer T said:

Serious question, does this make me an alcoholic? Does this make me a bad person? 

Alcoholics are not bad people, but they are people who have found that alcohol is the only medicine they can imagine for pain in their lives. In time, our pain that we treat with ethanol will separate us from others mentally and others will notice the changes as you care less and less for them as you try to numb your pain.  Bad person?  No, not a bad person but distant and non relating to others in your life, constantly drawing away and into yourself, although the alcohol may fib to about that  

GD has other ways of being helped that will control and  overcome its pain, in my case though I had to treat both my alcohol dependence and my Gender Dysphoria side by side to resolve them to where I could live pain free.  This happened 9 years ago at age 60 for me.  For both the alcohol dependence and GD, I needed the company of others like or close to like myself.  I needed to be honest and I had to fully accept myself as an addict and Trans*gender.  No  half measures on either one would work.  In doing that coming out, I found that I could get rid of the shame I felt on all fronts.  I found other abusers who had found that it did not take care of their pain, but our friendship and acceptance of our lives we helped each other with the pain until each one of us with a Higher Power could stand up to it, and find joy in life instead of the pain and the shame.  That is how it was, and what happened to me that has given me HOPE and freedom from the pain of the past than no medicine but alcohol could fix for me as I thought.  It has not been easy, and there is not ONE WAY to do it.

I had deliberately NOT given you an opinion as to whether you are an Alcoholic, and cannot.  If you can find ways of treating your pain of GD that do not take alcohol as their elixir, and if you can, as you say, quit any time without coming back to using the alcohol in regard to GD, my wig is off to you (ok the term in Chapter 3 of the Big Book is "hat")  37% of Trans* people have had addiction problems in their lives as well.  I use the adjective of Alcoholic for myself and introduce myself that way in Recovery meetings, but I do not apply it to another person, that is something they must decide for themselves, as a ticket to a future where the booze is not needed to live Truly and Authentically.

PS-- I am not giving up, but I may keep mouth shut for a bit here to let you put a new spin of the circular arguments you talk about.  I have been on that un-merry go round myself.

[Jennifer T]

Hello all.  Seems I was wrong. I found a bottle of wine last night. Paying the piper a bit this morning.

@Timber Wolf, I meant no insult, I hope none was inferred. Was only stating an observation I've made through my life. You've been nothing but kind.  Thank you.

@VickySGV,  sorry, my two questions were intended to be separate. Not implying that alcoholics were bad.  I understand what you've written.   Thank you for your insight. I'm not implying that I can quit anytime I want. Honestly at this point I'm not sure. What I intended to convey is that I want the drink when I get it. Does this make any sense? 

Ladies, I'm sorry for all this. Truly. Thanks for letting me speak and for caring.

Even that scares me. -weak smile-

[VickySGV]

32 minutes ago, Jennifer T said:

What I intended to convey is that I want the drink when I get it. Does this make any sense? 

It makes sense to me NOW that I am in recovery and have found people that do care about me and accept me because we share our lives and support each other to live booze free.