Letting self doubt win the day...

[Guest Jamie61]

Friends,

I share this with you not for pity ( I've already drowned in my own), but to encourage others to keep their chin up and stay true.

Love, jamie

 

I spent the week attending a series of meetings for my company. A very large gathering of colleagues from across the nation. All staying in one resort location. Since I started in the early 1980's it is possible for me to know people from all 50 states.  Each night featured various dinner/social events designed to allow people to network and enjoy themself.  While many meetings were decidedly awkward for me, as I often found myself seated alone with empty space around me.  The social aspects of the evenings felt even more isolating.  Even some people who I  know to be part of the LGB community would softly avoid me. I discovered that to this immense gathering, I am a bit of a pariah. There were a few bright spots, but also several low spots, where people I've know for decades, would avoid, shun, or rudely dismiss me. 

As the week progressed I began feeling increasing depressed as I started drifting towards avoiding interaction. In meetings, I was attentive and I did contribute, as I made sure I 'did my job' so to speak.

By the final evening, I was lacking in self-confidence and missed a great opportunity to enjoy myself. I had planned to wear a really nice dress, which fit me well and looked fantastic. But I allowed my own self doubt to dictated the evening. I felt more out of place then ever as the dress remained hanging in my room. I wasn't myself and a horrible sense of self betrayal descended over me.

This weekend has been a time of self reflection and release of some of the pent up emotion as I process.   I'll cannot go back and change that last evening, but I am determined to learn from this.  I should have kept my chin up and taken advantage of opportunity to enjoy the moment that I am in.  And while I am proud of myself for not losing my composure,  I just wish I hadn't let my self down. I should have worn that dress!

Take care and be you,

jamie

 

[Cindy Truheart]

I don't know what to say except *hugs*! I know what you must have been feeling, I've been there myself albeit in a different situation and at a different age. And you are right, all that we can do is hold our head high and refuse to let other people's petty ignorance ruin a good time!

[Jani]

Jamie, I'm sorry the trip was not as successful as you had hoped for.  Unfortunately we cannot know how others will treat our presence and it seems you were expecting a more supportive time.  I wish I was close to give you a big hug.  I will offer this.  You didn't let yourself down, you showed up and did your part as you were expected to do.  It was the others that let you down, especially those in the LGB community.  Admittedly I only know Jamie from what you've written here, and I know her to be a caring and thoughtful person who is full of life.   Don't ever lose sight of that.  The others at the event lost out on an opportunity to know this.

Jani      

[Guest Jamie61]

Thanks you two!  I think you are right In that I was expecting a little more support from others. good discussion and I hope others can benefit from my situation and your feedback.

You live and learn!

[Jani]

 ?

 

[Guest LesleyAnne]

You actually did hold your head up high.....You saw the whole thing through! 

 In my humble opinion you've earned the right to proudly say "I didn't cut and run!" 

 

[MarcieMarie12]

I am going to my organization's annual conference later in early spring. First time for  a lot of things (air travel, seeing members, etc., etc.) as myself . I am kind of hopeful, most of the members will not know I am trans--a few long time clients do though. They did wish me well.

[Jani]

I have no doubt you will do well.  Look how far you've come and where you are now!

Jani

[VickySGV]

Even my most supportive LGB friends have not warmed up to me just because I am T, unless they knew other Trans* folk for a while.  Members of the LGB crowd can get the sexual orientation thing, but our condition is not about choosing a partner, but is rather about how our body is seen by the world.  LGB folks have the same problem there that Cis-Hetero people do in regard to us. They just do not know how to react or see us as one of their own tribe.

I have been fully out for about 8 years now and I can come across as "just a woman" in most places, but I have had to work on it.  I do have lesbians who get interested in me from time to time and we chat and I have danced with a few.  I have a whole group of Gay "Big Brothers" who have been open and sweet to me, but that happens with time and has taken education for them.

Wearing the dress was your call, and there are days from the past I know I blew it that way too.  I have lived long enough to make up for some of it and you will too.  Big hugs.  Maybe next time you can get Corporate HR to let you do a special session on welcoming TG people in the organization, and I bet your ratings will sky rocket.

[Amanda May]

You handled what you went through as a true hero and inspiration to me.  Thank you for sharing.

[Charlize]

Jamie i think you did just fine and  time will chase that fear away.  I will never forget the feeling i had one day shortly after coming out to my family and going full time.  I was working around the barn when a truck came down the drive.  My first reaction from years of fear and guilt was to run into the barn to hide.  My stomach was in a knot.  Somehow i came out into the sunlight and asked the driver what they wanted.  He was there to buy some maple syrup.  I did the sale and somehow had survived.  Amazing, the world was still ok.  Time has been a great medicine and today the thought of hiding is no longer a part of me.  Your not alone in your fear and won't be alone in having it disappear.  Hang in there we've got your back.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Tejana]

Hhmmm….For myself, this was a very intriguing thread.  So I will not seem insensitive, I will state that I am sorry that the OP had a disappointing experience.

From the amount of disclosure given, it’s difficult to analyze the factors that possibly contributed to the described social experience being less than satisfactory.  I suspect that the experience was not secondary to some sort of rampant transphobia in the organization; if that were the case, I would think that the local work/office environment to be a difficult one, too.  I do think sometimes that there are times when one has just too much history in a particular setting to transition in place, without rending the social fabric too greatly or too disruptively.  In a nationwide gathering, I’m wondering if perhaps the bonds of acquaintanceship were just too tenuous for out-of-state associates to “comfortably recognize” someone known to them in another guise; certainly, it can be uncomfortable to see a radical difference in someone that we assumed that we knew.  The OP has stated that she was something of a pariah at this gathering; I will assume that her character is such that she was not viewed as such prior to transitioning.  Nonetheless, it certainly wouldn’t be my expectation that gender-transition would result in one being loved (i.e., philos/agape) by those who hadn’t loved the transitioner prior to transition. 

Sometimes I wonder if less than satisfactory social interactions are not the result of a stigma (which I would differentiate from  actual “transphobia) attached to or associated with the whole topic of gender-transition (& perhaps a few other things as well)?  Like the vast majority of us here, I have read a few books and articles on gid/gd, and I have seen references and anecdotes about such stigma attaching itself to friends, family, and associates of a ts/tg individual.  [I have actually read some reports about ts-/tg-associated stigma even attaching itself to so-called “gender-therapists” and other professionals whose practice included a disproportionate amount of transgendered individuals.  I suspect that such stigma (& not “transphobia”) may be why a lot of mh & other medical professionals choose not to accept ts/tg patients/clients into their practice (i.e., to do so can negatively impact them financially).]  Certainly in an environment where some folks aren’t known to one another very well (or not at all), there could be great risk of stigma if one were to appear too friendly to someone who is known/suspected to be in the midst of a gender-transition.  Too friendly or effusive interactions could conceivably affect one’s chances for advancement in the company, or negatively impact one’s financial security in circumstances where business-clients are concerned (esp. in situations where monetary-commissions are a part of one’s compensation package).

Again, very intriguing thread.  I am sorry that the OP’s resort experience wasn’t as pleasant as hoped.   I’m certain that the referenced dress is quite lovely and it is a shame that she didn’t get to wear it, but there will likely be other occasions.  [Besides….the whole gender-identity thing is not really, really about fashion & sartorial style.  One can express who they are in so many additional ways, which I’m certain that the OP did acceptably well, both professionally & personally.]

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

P.S.  I read in one post the suggestion that one might get the company’s HR-department to allow the OP to do some sort of presentation on the topic of gender-transitioning individuals.  I have certainly heard of such psycho-educational presentations being done in business environments, but HR-departments seem to prefer to contract such things out to a professional of some flavor (e.g., mh or legal).  Probably some good reasons for not laying such a responsibility onto the company’s  employee.  [Personal anecdote:  As stated in another thread, it never occurred to me to involve HR where I worked.  Interestingly enough though… my  boss did suggest to me that I do a presentation at a forthcoming staff meeting; I think we had close to a hundred or so folks working in our department.  I refused the suggestion, stating that I considered it to be quite unnecessary.]

[Guest Jamie61]

Thanks everyone for your support and for sharing your experience.  Marcie I'm am hoping you have a great trip!  I relate to all the 'firsts' you will encounter.  Like you Charlize, I know I've come a long way, I just need to keep that in focus.  What an amazing journey!

love you all!

proud of you!

jamie