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[Alice]

This is my first post of not so happy times. 

Spoke to my fiancee hoping for support and a more positive reaction with regards to changing sex. Mtf . I remained calm and not push the subject. She said to me that its not only us i have to think about but the few friends she has and both our families and our possible future child when that time comes. But when people have been taken from this world and if we have children (when they get old enough) then i could go ahead and change.

On a more positive note i am allowed to wear what i like under my male clothes and sort of neutral clothes as long as im comfortable. 

All in all i have mixed feelings but feel a little sad/disappointed with what was said.

[tracy_j]

This is always a difficult point in things as we cannot change in isolation. It is one of the biggest things I have found even though I am not, at least at present, going toward full transition. It will depend quite a bit on how you feel but it is a big thing to have hanging over your realtionship for a good number of years. It won't help.

One thing I have found, in my experience, that both my partner and my best friend, in reality, were more concerned about how my behaviour would reflect on their social standing. This was compounded by their lack of understanding. I have carried on and if they now looked I think they would find most of their fears have been groundless. I should say though that both of them have been in my life for a considerable number of years.

She is right in that you need to think about things, and discuss together. My opinion is to compile the list of issues and find the ways to approach them. Joint discussion with a gender therapist would help as there would be clinical as well as social issues if you transition, but things can work. It is my feeling though that a condition like that imposes what may be a cloud on your wellbeing.

Tracy

[Jani]

So she is saying when people (your parents?) are gone and when any possible future children are older (how old?), then you can transition, or change your style to be more androgynous?  Sounds for all the world she doesn't want you to change and that's she's focused on everyone else other than you.  From your photo I assume you are younger than I, so I would reconsider this relationship as you have a long life in front of you still.  

Jani

[Briana]

Hi Alice, what you describe can be a difficult spot to be in.  I think Jani may be on point with what she wrote regarding your fiance.   Sometimes people will 'go along with things' - tolerate things, until things get serious or real, or when the reality of it all truly affects them.  i.e. "I'm ok with my partner cross-dressing or 'feeling transgender' now, but when we get married...it will all be different.  We'll become a normal couple - a normal family."

My wife and I had this type of discussion before we got married so I can certainly empathize with what you're feeling.   At first, I felt crushed.  However, our relationship was very strong and we were very close and we moved forward.  We talked about what we wanted for ourselves, and for each other.  We shared what we thought the future could/would/should look like for us. 

From my perspective, I truly didn't want to loose her in my life and at the time, I realized I wasn't totally sure.   I also realized that I was willing to compromise...and so was she.  Plus, at the time (...a long long time ago...) neither of us really fully understood what it all meant - what it entailed.  

We were able to move forward and have a wonderful life and family together.  While we might still have been able to have that 'wonderful life' had we gone down one of many different paths, I wouldn't trade the one we  had for anything.  Did I postpone things - keep things in check - hold feeling back...yep, I sure did.  However, she was totally wonderful in covertly providing alternatives and other outlets, and a whole lot of love and understanding. 

From my perspective, I think you two need to have a very clear, concise conversation on what you both want and what you expect.  I think it's really about sharing your visions of the future and what you both want and expect for yourselves and for your relationship.  If you're really fully set on moving forward with a full on transition, and she's expecting a future that  holds a family and a more traditional male/female relationship and marriage, you're worlds apart.  You'll both have to be willing to compromise if that's the case.  If you stay together with different goals, expectations, and intentions, I believe you'll be heading for a lot of turmoil & disappointment.

[Alice]

Im 27 in a couple of weeks. 

But yes she is sayinv bout what everyone else thinks. I did say they dont matter its about us not them. When they are old enough to understand i think. I was more asleep then she was due to late night working. Both sides of the family, i couldnt really care what my zide says as they were trying to stop me being me. And her side i dont really listen too when it comes to matters as im me and thats it.

Im changing my style in littlebits. She is at work and im in bed in underwear and fake breast . Feels completly natural fpr me. 

[Jani]

You may not care about what family says or thinks but she does.  If you both continue to persist in your own world of view there will eventually be a clash.  Remember when we transition, our family, friends and work companions transition with us.  The ones that can't wrap their heads around it, will move on.  It's a fact of life.  This is a difficult and emotionally fraught situation that you both need to have a clear headed conversation about.  

The fact that you say this is a natural feeling indicates you won't change, i.e. go back to strictly being your old self which is what she wants to see.  Best of luck.

Jani   

[Alice]

Thanks jani 

Ive always been adrodgynous since i was single figures but was forced to be male only before i moved out. This is the true me now. Will def have to spend some time having a good clear headed convo 

[Alice]

Thanks Briana, a lot of food for thought there. 

Everyone is so helpful thank you for tips and advice

[Charlize]

Alice i would certainly recommend that you see a gender therapist.  Mine was so helpful in helping me understand that i had to live my life instead of trying to simply fit in for the convince of others.  I had done my best to man up for most of my life and gender issues followed me regardless of how far i ran.  I'm finally finding peace.  What others think of me is beyond my control.   i can spend my life pleasing them (if i can) and never find any happiness in myself or i can be myself, living honestly and loving without depending on others for approval.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize