I did it....

[CrystalMatthews0426]

I came out to my wife today. Said that I had something I needed to share with her but I was struggling to put into words aloud. I assured her that my feelings for her have not changed at all and that while her instincts right now might be telling her that I cheated, I have never even considered such a thing. And then I sent her the email that I wrote back in December. She read it and we spoke, I told her about my struggle over the years with accepting this and how I’ve been beating myself up over not telling her for the last few months. I think she was more upset with how long I’ve kept the secret then she was about the secret. She assured me that she still loves me and this will not change our marriage. I told her that when she is ready, I have some books about this for her to read and that I would like her to eventually join this website so she can communicate with other spouses for support.

 

I also told my mother and 2 best friends. Friends are super supportive and promised to always be there for me. My mother was hesitant at first, but assured me she will always be by my side. We spoke a little and I helped her get passed some misinformation based on old stereotype and she promised to help lay the groundwork for telling my father.

Edited February 18, 2017 by CyndiRae
fixed a typo in the 1st sentence.

[Carolyn Marie]

Those are some excellent results, Crystal, and you should be proud of yourself and your wife and mother.  This is never easy for family members, and it seems to have turned out almost as good as it could.  Be prepared for some setbacks over the next weeks and months as the reality sinks in, but I think you'll weather the storm.  Your offer of reading materials is a great idea and I hope she takes you up on it.

I wish you continued good luck.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[tracy_j]

It is better that things are out in the open as you will now feel much better. Congratulations! Just be there for each other and work your way forward. Helping each other will get you there

Tracy

 

[Dakota16]

Congrats! I'm glad to hear everything went well with your mom, wife, and friends!

Keep the communication going and support each other along the way. 

[Cyndee]

That's wonderful Crystal. Being open and honest with the ones closest to us is a great way to live. It's not an easy thing to do, you should be proud. I am glad to read things have turned out well so far, be prepared for set backs and challenges, it's never all smooth. Marriages can and do survive this, ours has, wishing you the best dear. 

Hugs

Cyndi -

[CrystalMatthews0426]

Things took a small step back overnight. Woke up at 4am to my wife crying, she wouldn't talk but told me to check my email. She sent me some questions because she couldn't bring her self to ask aloud. I let her know that all questions are welcome and I dont consider anything off limits.

Mostly generic questions, she asked if I actually wanted to become a woman. I told her thats not a question I can answer yet. Its still a mystery to me and I'm taking baby steps in this journey.

She asked I I ever tried on her clothes, mostly bras because we are a very different body size. Answer to that was a firm no.

She waa upset that I spoke to my two friends before I spoke to her. I apologized and told her that this has been a difficult journey for me thus far and I needed a "test subject" for lack of a better term and with the exception of her and my immediate family, these two friends knew me better then anyone and have been beside me for every major journey of my adult life.

She told me that while part of her is happy I opened up to her, part of her wishes I hadn't. I assured her this was normal and I certainly understand but I couldn't lie to her or myself any longer.

Before I left for work she said she doesn't want to lose me. I told her that I'm not going anywhere. She said "No. I don't want to lose my husband." I wasnt sure how to properly reply to that. I told her we would take it all one baby step at a time. And no matter what, she will have the best version of me.

[Carolyn Marie]

I don't think you could have handled those questions any better.  Hang in there, Crystal, it gets better.

Carolyn Marie

[CrystalMatthews0426]

I'm not totally sure that it will. We've been emailing while I'm at work, she expressed interest in seeing one of the sites that I am on, I told her to look into a page because there are forums dedicated to helping significant others. I sent her to the page I use the most (no offense to those who stick to this page the most, but it was a different site.) And I gave her all of the important warnings, that I have posted in depth about my struggles including the conversation posted above from this morning. I also warned about my profile picture on these sites.  Through one link or another, she found her way to another website that I'm on, in which I posted a very detailed story of our troubles, including that I had had feelings for an ex (I no longer have those feelings) while we were married. She obviously did not take that very well and things hit rock bottom, or about as close as I would like it to hit. We've been going back and forth and she did admit that she does not believe that she will be able to stay with me if I decide to transition. So now I feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place... it's a matter of choosing between being who I truly need to be or losing the love of my life.  No matter what happens, the next few months are going to be a mess. I hope for the best, I hope that no matter what happens, she stays by my side and will support me. I don't want to lose her, but I've also spent 15 years hiding from all of this and the stress of that has taken it's toll on me.

[tracy_j]

If things are getting a bit much at the moment as it seems to me they are, my opinion is to step back slightly and let things gel a bit. Keep up the communication and support but try not to let obstacles get in the way. Your wife won't really see the way of staying together as she may well be seeing things from the defined male / female perspective rather than just two people living together. Plan together towards understanding each other. You may need professional help (a joint therapist), but whatever the result you will both gain. Don't despair. Life is hard but it sounds like a low point. You both need to be honest and open for the understanding and trust to develop.

Tracy

[Cindy Truheart]

Hey Crystal, I am so sorry for what you are going through! This is a really rough time, there is no way around that. My only advice is to take things slow. It's really difficult to do that sometimes, but my wife told me that having some time to process things really helped. My therapist also said that I had to be mindful that my wife was given a shock and that this was something I had lived with all my life, but for others it was going to be a radical change to how they see me.

My wife also wasn't thrilled with things at first. She even told me I would make an ugly woman. When people are in pain, we sometimes say and do things we don't really mean. Be patient and be forgiving to her and always make sure she knows how much you love her. That is all that you can do, the rest is up to her. I wish you the best, hang in there! It will get better eventually!

[CrystalMatthews0426]

I agree. I've been trying to take a step back and let each of us cool down a bit. I think she is having trouble doing that because there is such a large amount of questions that she wants to ask as well as the overwhelming sensation of having the proverbial rug pulled out from under her. I'm sure shes questioning a lot about me, our marriage, even gerself at this time and I want her to be able to take it all in while simultaneously not letting it be too overwhelming.

Thanks for the advice and support everyone... And Cindy, I'm glad to report that your wife was definitely wrong about you being an ugly woman. I wish I could pass as well as you do based on your profile pic.

[Cindy Truheart]

4 hours ago, CrystalMatthews0426 said:

Thanks for the advice and support everyone... And Cindy, I'm glad to report that your wife was definitely wrong about you being an ugly woman. I wish I could pass as well as you do based on your profile pic.

Two hours of make up learned from Drag Queens and my wife's skills with fake hair!   ....and I still think I'm 'wrong' and ugly. *sigh* At this point I'd be happy just being an ugly woman though, so, it's enough!

Just hang in there, space and time can do wonders! Eventually she will come to understand that you are still you and that she isn't losing you so much as gaining a BETTER you! You got this!

[Aanzinaago'Stephanie]

Hi Crystal. There are so many compassionate/sympathetic posts here, it's wonderful to read all of this. Unfortunately, I can't relate on a direct personal aspect (I am single), but I will say that, as I get to read and know more trans, I was very pleasantly surprised to see how many women are still with their wife.

I honestly thought, the first times, it would have been the opposite. But it's not.

Sending you a well deserved hug!

[Cindy Truheart]

35 minutes ago, Aanzinaago'Stephanie said:

Hi Crystal. There are so many compassionate/sympathetic posts here, it's wonderful to read all of this. Unfortunately, I can't relate on a direct personal aspect (I am single), but I will say that, as I get to read and know more trans, I was very pleasantly surprised to see how many women are still with their wife.

I honestly thought, the first times, it would have been the opposite. But it's not.

Sending you a well deserved hug!

Yes! I was surprised at this as well! When I came out to my wife, I thought she would leave me! I was prepared for that to happen. I was also prepared for much worse, but I won't go there. My belief was that almost nobody kept their marriage together and that I would be extremely lucky to do so. But what I found was that the number of marriages that held together was much more than I had previously thought! Still probably less than 50%, but definitely not the 1% that I thought it would be! I would say (in my wonderfully opinionated way) that there are two major factors in whether or not a marriage survives.

The first is up to your wife, nothing you can do there. It's a matter of her making up her mind and nothing you say or do will affect the outcome of her decision. But the second is all you and is really the only way you can affect the situation. You've got to be patient and you've got to be honest! Even when it hurts! Admitting to my wife that I'm not attracted to women and that I'm only attracted to men was about as difficult as you can imagine! I had to work past the social pressures and conditioning of my past, the fear of rejection from her, and the fear that it would be the straw to break the camel's back! But I did it, I told her! She's still here, and we are still in love!

Not everyone's situation is the same, but if you keep patience and honesty in mind, you significantly increase your chances. And that goes double for moving forward in the future as well!

[CrystalMatthews0426]

Thank you again everyone. The support online is priceless and it means so much to get to know so many amazing girls who I can share my journey with who know the pains and struggles that come as we walk the path.

I went into this also fully expecting this to potentially be the beginning of the end for my marriage. I'm still not convinced that to be false. She really isn't taking it well and has spent the better part of the last 2 days crying and telling me that she doesnt want a wife, that she loves Craig and NOT Crystal. My only hope is that as time passes and the initial feeling of shock and betrayal fade, she will come to understand that both of those "personas" are part of the person she fell in love with and that Crystal is no less the person she fell for then Craig is. 

Shes hurting now, shes questioning her own life as well as her possibly her own sexuality. She told me that she is also feeling as if she failed me as a wife and that she can no longer give me what I need. I've tried to explain that isn't true and sexuality has nothing to do with what I'm going through. I can only give her some space when needed and answers when asked.

[Cindy Truheart]

1 hour ago, CrystalMatthews0426 said:

Shes hurting now, shes questioning her own life as well as her possibly her own sexuality. She told me that she is also feeling as if she failed me as a wife and that she can no longer give me what I need. I've tried to explain that isn't true and sexuality has nothing to do with what I'm going through. I can only give her some space when needed and answers when asked.

This sounds very familiar Crystal, and you are doing everything you can to help her! If you aren't put off by it, this little hippy witch would like to stir up a bit of a prayer to the Goddess for you, if that's okay?

[CrystalMatthews0426]

While I consider myself an athiest, I am accepting of all beliefs and lifestyles and would never shun anybody for practicing their beliefs. I am absolutely OK with you having me in your thoughts and appreciate the gesture.

[Aanzinaago'Stephanie]

6 hours ago, CrystalMatthews0426 said:

My only hope is that as time passes and the initial feeling of shock and betrayal fade, she will come to understand that both of those "personas" are part of the person she fell in love with and that Crystal is no less the person she fell for then Craig is. 

Crystal, this is very insightful of you! 

7 hours ago, Cindy Truheart said:

Yes! I was surprised at this as well! When I came out to my wife, I thought she would leave me! I was prepared for that to happen. I was also prepared for much worse, but I won't go there. My belief was that almost nobody kept their marriage together and that I would be extremely lucky to do so. But what I found was that the number of marriages that held together was much more than I had previously thought! Still probably less than 50%, but definitely not the 1% that I thought it would be! I would say (in my wonderfully opinionated way) that there are two major factors in whether or not a marriage survives.

Cindy, that is such a great demonstration of inner courage and strength. I am in admiration.

[CrystalMatthews0426]

I think we all need to have courage and a matter of insightfullness in order to make it this stage of our journey and beyond. I admire anyone who has that courage to completely uproot their entire lives and make a change such as this. Its sometimes easier to just give up and try to force yourself to continue along the familiar path because its less controversial. Somebody on another site I'm on said it to me that it takes balls to put on a dress and give up on being the man your family thinks you are.