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Laurette

His Story

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Laurette

His Story

 

By Bob

 

 

 

I’d defeated my demons

Alcohol and abuse

I could live again

There was no excuse

 

 

My life was back on track

Everything looked good

Family and work

Were shaping up as they should

 

 

And then it started

At first I just dreamed

In them I wasn’t me

I was a woman it seemed

 

 

Confusing and disturbing

I have to admit

But much less so

Than the nightmares I’d quit

 

 

The dreams continued

Increasing in frequency

Disturbing enough

That I kept them in secrecy

 

 

Then gradually when awake

Thoughts and feelings would arrive

Recognizably female

As though my sanity to deprive

 

 

I spent much time pondering

Trying to make sense

But always seemed to arrive

At an impenetrable fence

 

 

I was a man wasn’t I?

That was plain to see

So why did I feel

Like a woman inside of me?

 

 

The memories of the abuse

Hadn’t surfaced til I was ready

But I hadn’t expected this

I felt anything but steady

 

 

The more I explored these feelings

And let them into the light

The more they made sense

And somehow felt right

 

Could it be

Was it even possible

To be a female in a man’s body

The thought seemed irresponsible

 

 

But these thoughts and feelings

Wouldn’t go away

They kept coming back

And started to stay

 

 

There were a lot of things

That this could explain

Occurrences and feelings

That had caused me much pain

 

 

I talked with my spouse

And professionals too

All the while

Her presence grew

 

 

I knew she was real

Before the specialist confirmed

Though it was nice

To have my sanity affirmed

 

 

I gave her her name

And knew she agreed

It’s symbolic of honor and victory

Towards which she’ll proceed

 

 

But I stand in her way

No, that’s not right

Because she is me

It’s an internal fight

 

 

I’d fought my whole life

For relationships and success

To throw it all away now

Would cause such a mess

 

 

I have responsibilities and duties

To children and wife

To walk away now

Would cut like a knife

 

 

I love my wife

And owe her so much

She’s always been there

When I needed a crutch

 

 

But the woman inside me

I cannot deny

To try to suppress her

Would be to live a lie

When I can be her

I am complete, whole

The missing piece is filled

That’s lacking from my life’s role

 

 

I know who I am

And I am her

I walk a knife edge

While decisions I defer

 

 

Any actions must wait

For reasons untold

Til future events

Have time to unfold

 

 

Then the time will come

For a decision I dread

I’m fearful of that day

To unsure to look ahead

 

 

I can become completely her

walking away from my old life

Though that path

Would cost much grief and strife

 

 

I can go back to just him

Putting her back to sleep

Though I doubt that would work

She is in me much too deep

 

 

Or I can compromise

Walking the edge of a knife

And keep going on

Leading a double life

 

 

Two delicate hearts

I hold in my hands

Not sure I can save both

From conflicting demands

 

 

One needs the woman

The other the man

Should I be selfish

Or surrender who I am

 

 

I am lost, adrift

Knowing only for sure

Though in pain and alone

That I am her

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Charlize

Beautiful.  It brought back the quandary so many of us face when we need to be true to ourselves but feel selfish because it might hurt the ones we love.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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