Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!


This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.


His Story

Recommended Posts


His Story


By Bob




I’d defeated my demons

Alcohol and abuse

I could live again

There was no excuse



My life was back on track

Everything looked good

Family and work

Were shaping up as they should



And then it started

At first I just dreamed

In them I wasn’t me

I was a woman it seemed



Confusing and disturbing

I have to admit

But much less so

Than the nightmares I’d quit



The dreams continued

Increasing in frequency

Disturbing enough

That I kept them in secrecy



Then gradually when awake

Thoughts and feelings would arrive

Recognizably female

As though my sanity to deprive



I spent much time pondering

Trying to make sense

But always seemed to arrive

At an impenetrable fence



I was a man wasn’t I?

That was plain to see

So why did I feel

Like a woman inside of me?



The memories of the abuse

Hadn’t surfaced til I was ready

But I hadn’t expected this

I felt anything but steady



The more I explored these feelings

And let them into the light

The more they made sense

And somehow felt right


Could it be

Was it even possible

To be a female in a man’s body

The thought seemed irresponsible



But these thoughts and feelings

Wouldn’t go away

They kept coming back

And started to stay



There were a lot of things

That this could explain

Occurrences and feelings

That had caused me much pain



I talked with my spouse

And professionals too

All the while

Her presence grew



I knew she was real

Before the specialist confirmed

Though it was nice

To have my sanity affirmed



I gave her her name

And knew she agreed

It’s symbolic of honor and victory

Towards which she’ll proceed



But I stand in her way

No, that’s not right

Because she is me

It’s an internal fight



I’d fought my whole life

For relationships and success

To throw it all away now

Would cause such a mess



I have responsibilities and duties

To children and wife

To walk away now

Would cut like a knife



I love my wife

And owe her so much

She’s always been there

When I needed a crutch



But the woman inside me

I cannot deny

To try to suppress her

Would be to live a lie

When I can be her

I am complete, whole

The missing piece is filled

That’s lacking from my life’s role



I know who I am

And I am her

I walk a knife edge

While decisions I defer



Any actions must wait

For reasons untold

Til future events

Have time to unfold



Then the time will come

For a decision I dread

I’m fearful of that day

To unsure to look ahead



I can become completely her

walking away from my old life

Though that path

Would cost much grief and strife



I can go back to just him

Putting her back to sleep

Though I doubt that would work

She is in me much too deep



Or I can compromise

Walking the edge of a knife

And keep going on

Leading a double life



Two delicate hearts

I hold in my hands

Not sure I can save both

From conflicting demands



One needs the woman

The other the man

Should I be selfish

Or surrender who I am



I am lost, adrift

Knowing only for sure

Though in pain and alone

That I am her

Share this post

Link to post

Beautiful.  It brought back the quandary so many of us face when we need to be true to ourselves but feel selfish because it might hurt the ones we love.





Share this post

Link to post

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

  • Who's Online   7 Members, 0 Anonymous, 388 Guests (See full list)

    • QuestioningAmber
    • ShawnaLeigh
    • DeeDee
    • sara albert
    • Albine
    • Josie Beth
    • NB Adult
  • Topics With Zero Replies

  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
    • Total Posts
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
    • Most Online

    Newest Member
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Kaede
      (21 years old)
  • Posts

    • lauraincolumbia
      I agree with ShawnaLeigh, you should see a gender therapist to help you figure things out. I do recommend a gender therapist, as I've been seeing a regular therapist for several years, but still have many open questions.  Its a question of focus, rather than competence....
    • MaryMary
      You know what's funny? I have so much dysphoria that I feel I look ugly. So probably I could say the same thing if you share an image.
    • ShawnaLeigh
      So I had this conversation with my therapist about this question and told him it bothers me considering my given name as a Dead Name.  A name that represents who I was practically my entire life and the persona of my life's experience and knowledge.  I feel like says its my Dead Name signifies I am killing that part of myself off. To me anyways.  A part I still like to some degree.  A part I need to help the women inside bloom and grow and be strong when times are tough and believe me times are tough for me lately. I prefer to call my male persona name a Birth Name.  Simply that's what it is.  A name given to me at birth by my parents. Plus there is no killing. LOL   I love to fact I get to choose my own female name.  Anything I want.   However I made a significant observation the other day. I have been signing my name as Shawna my whole life.  Signing anything legal or checks or whatever.  I always signed my name first name, middle initial, last name that all bunched together in a scribing mess.  However Shawn A. is what you would see before it turned into a scribe towards my last name.  LOL Like I have been telling myself my whole life who I am inside. Or I just reading into it to much.  LOL    
    • ShawnaLeigh
      This is great news.  It seems given enough time most people will come around or at least understand.  
    • ShawnaLeigh
      I'm transitioning MTF and I still love to hunt, fish, icefish, go camping, get muddy on my ATV, shooting archery and guns.    So yes.  If you still like female typical interests you can be a guy. Why not? JMO
    • lauraincolumbia
      Congrats Astrid!   Fenway?  I used to know a girl that worked at Fenway.  Unfortunately, she passed away, but I never heard from what.
    • ShawnaLeigh
      Well I'm still in my confusion/discovery part of myself so I am hesitant to lay a label on anyone.  I can see you feel a lot like I do/did in my earlier years.  Born male and being attracted to females was a big thing for me because I felt female inside but played my male role my entire life.   I'm going toward transitioning to female just now at age 52, in the early stages still, though I am still only attracted to women even though I am becoming one myself. Having a strong sexual connection to your confusion is not uncommon.  It is a sexual change you desire it sounds like.  Going from one sex to the other is a sexual change and it is not unreasonable to feel sexual stimulation when contemplating it or acting on it.  JMO Saying that you are bisexual reinforces this to me. All I can suggest is what I was told and that is to try and see a gender therapist and see what he/she says.  I can tell you it was the best thing I have ever done for myself. I have meaning and I am valid.  Not broken or need to be fixed. 
    • ShawnaLeigh
      Hello and welcome to our family! Great place you found..
    • KymmieL
      That is so cute. Looks great on you. Love the smile too. I wish I looked half as good as you do.   Kymmie
    • Jani
      First congratulations on the doctor change and getting T.  I can see you are excited.     As to your spouse, he loves you and the life you have together and doesn't want it to end but he's afraid.  The best thing now it to continue talking.  I think it is harder for men to come to terms with this as society is so masculine-centric.  I don't know what the answer is other than it will work out one way or another.  Possibly if you lived in a different state (or locality) that was more open and accepting things would be different.  Keep talking. Jani  
    • Jani
      Greetings!!  I'm glad you're here. Jani
    • Jani
      Hello Astrid.  I'm glad to see you found Fenway to be a good resource.  I also go there.  It seems you have a good plan laid out.  The only negative I had with Spiro was having to urinate frequently but the body adjusts and soon things are bak to somewhat normal.  I also started with low dose patches as I wanted to see how it was effected by my other meds.  I found no issue at all.  From those I've spoken with who stayed on lose dose long term, its done what they wanted and calmed the noise in their heads.  I think this may be good for you.  Jani
    • Aidan5
      Thank you everyone for your kind words and advice
    • Krisvm
      Glad things are getting better. Hope they continue.   Love and hugs,   Kris
    • NB Adult
      It does work well with the shape of your face and my goodness, what a nice looking guy!
  • Upcoming Events

  • Create New...