Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

The Perceptions of Loss When You Come out as Transgender


VickySGV

Recommended Posts

  • Forum Moderator

This is very interesting.

One of my experiences is that with several people I get the conception that they have catagorised me and that I suddenly don't fit into that mould. I am not talking the close family members here, just friends who like to have good control of any situation. Becoming unpredictable does not help their composure! I don't think there is mourning, just lack of understanding.

With close family it is different but as I have not transitioned as such I cannot fully comment, but I think that my gradual change has resulted in no tendency towards mourning. My take on things is that if people really know you they would have seen the signs and adapted as time went on. It is being at one with a person, not a gender. In life many things may come along to make fundemental changes. Illness, disability, addiction the list is long. Any of these may instigate mourning for the original person but one thing everyone should realise is that things change and nothing is forever (bad or good)!

Tracy

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Thank you Vicky.  When i read this i welled up with tears thinking of my family.  Her last line pretty much sums up my feeling now.  4 almost 5 years later and i know they still miss him.  Fortunately my family has grown to accept and love me as i am as well.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

I am sorry Fiona.  Hopefully your wife will find the peace with you that mine has managed.  Even at this point when she mentions that she misses him i well up with tears.  That is one reason this article affected me so much.  When we are dead we don't see the pain others may feel.  In transition we see that and for me getting through that time was only possible with help here and from a gender therapist.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

Link to comment
1 hour ago, Charlize said:

I am sorry Fiona.  Hopefully your wife will find the peace with you that mine has managed.  Even at this point when she mentions that she misses him i well up with tears.  That is one reason this article affected me so much.  When we are dead we don't see the pain others may feel.  In transition we see that and for me getting through that time was only possible with help here and from a gender therapist.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

Thanks. I feel like I'm dead in the middle, but people seem to get through it..........

Link to comment

I can totally relate to this article. My wife is still grieving my loss too. It really sucks to have to comfort someone you love for losing you when you haven't left. Sometimes I get the urge to go back, to de-transition, just to take that pain away from her. But I can't do it, and then I feel guilty for being so selfish....

Link to comment
1 hour ago, Cindy Truheart said:

I can totally relate to this article. My wife is still grieving my loss too. It really sucks to have to comfort someone you love for losing you when you haven't left. Sometimes I get the urge to go back, to de-transition, just to take that pain away from her. But I can't do it, and then I feel guilty for being so selfish....

May I ask how long shes been grieving, Cindy? 

Yes, I've sat while she was in tears, contemplating how I can fix this for her. Last year, I would have changed and been miserable until it sunk in that didn't work the first time, and isn't going to work now. Now, it crosses my mind, but then I just break down because there's nothing I can do......

Link to comment
2 hours ago, Fiona said:

May I ask how long shes been grieving, Cindy?

Since June 2016. The crying has stopped (2 months ago?), at least any that is outward that I can see. Now it's just looks, wistful sighs, and her telling me she misses him. I don't know that she will ever be completely over it, but it is getting better. I try to occasionally show her that I'm the same person on the inside by making sure she sees that I'm watching a car show or playing a racing video game (hey, I love cars!) I've actually seen her out of the corner of my eye giving a quiet smile from the door of the room when she saw what I was doing. It seemed to reassure her that I'm still the same person. But that was a risk, because I also knew that it could send her over the edge into depression at the thought of who I'm becoming versus what I was. I don't think there was any way around it for us, we just had to go through it. For my part, I feel we are closer than ever now. Trust isn't something I'm good at, and I've had to trust her. She could have destroyed me, but she didn't. So yeah, it's starting to get better.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Hi Everyone,

I am not married, so I have no spouse. But I do have sisters. One of my sisters was showing grief over Christmas. She started to cry and hugged me. It may seem a smaller deal to us, but in our binary world, society teaches that our assigned sex at birth is locked in. Other than spouses, which I'm not qualified to comment on here, I suspect parrents may be another group especially affected with grief or mourning over us. My Dad really wanted a son, and when I came, having a son, not just a child, meant so much to him. He has passed a few years ago and never knew me as Carla. He may have accepted me, but I'm sure it would have really hurt him. He would have felt he was loosing his beloved son. To be honest, I am glad for that reason that he never got to find out.

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf?

Link to comment
6 hours ago, Lisa said:

There's nothing about this journey that's easy for any of us. Damned if we do, damned if we don't. It's good to be alive though.....perhaps for the first time in my life, it's good to be alive.

I think that about sums it up for my final decision to transition. My reasoning was that if people truly love me, they will regardless of if I was "him" or me. Saying that seems a bit narcisstic/selfish, but in the end I think it is true. 

Link to comment
2 hours ago, Timber Wolf said:

My Dad really wanted a son, and when I came, having a son, not just a child, meant so much to him. He has passed a few years ago and never knew me as Carla. He may have accepted me, but I'm sure it would have really hurt him. He would have felt he was loosing his beloved son. To be honest, I am glad for that reason that he never got to find out.

Same for my father, he passed without ever meeting the real me. But I know he wouldn't have accepted me. He was distant with me my entire life because deep down he knew the truth and he tortured me to force me to act like a boy. The man was literally my first bully. For the rest of my family, I don't know. I started distancing myself from everyone very early on. There were years that went by where I didn't have any contact at all with anyone. Now they all feel like strangers to me. I literally didn't have any contact with my sister for over a decade.... I get to come out to her next week.

Link to comment

I have two older brothers and 5 nephews. My father has been the most supportive in the family, and I'm glad he was able to finally have a daughter. I like to think he is also glad to finally have a daughter-not something that he would admit though. We  have been getting together for lunch about once a month during the week (He's retired).

Link to comment
15 hours ago, Cindy Truheart said:

Since June 2016. The crying has stopped (2 months ago?), at least any that is outward that I can see. Now it's just looks, wistful sighs, and her telling me she misses him. I don't know that she will ever be completely over it, but it is getting better. I try to occasionally show her that I'm the same person on the inside by making sure she sees that I'm watching a car show or playing a racing video game (hey, I love cars!) I've actually seen her out of the corner of my eye giving a quiet smile from the door of the room when she saw what I was doing. It seemed to reassure her that I'm still the same person. But that was a risk, because I also knew that it could send her over the edge into depression at the thought of who I'm becoming versus what I was. I don't think there was any way around it for us, we just had to go through it. For my part, I feel we are closer than ever now. Trust isn't something I'm good at, and I've had to trust her. She could have destroyed me, but she didn't. So yeah, it's starting to get better.

Thank you for that. I'm glad that it's slowing, if only in appearance. 

 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

It's hard.  My wife says I'm not her husband any longer, which is more or less correct.  I counter that I am still her life partner and that hasn't changed.  She knows that I was very unhappy for a long time and this has changed that so she does see a benefit.  The unhappiness was always with myself not life, and she was the one who brought happiness to it.  It is a form of solace, if at least in small measure.  I know she's struggling with the thought of the final element of my change.    

Jani

Link to comment
  • 2 weeks later...
On 3/16/2017 at 11:40 AM, Cindy Truheart said:

I can totally relate to this article. My wife is still grieving my loss too. It really sucks to have to comfort someone you love for losing you when you haven't left. Sometimes I get the urge to go back, to de-transition, just to take that pain away from her. But I can't do it, and then I feel guilty for being so selfish....

Yes, Actually for a long time I would torture myself like that. These days I get sad and cry with her, but I've learned the hard way, that I cannot ever go back.

 

And I have a quote from an article that I placed on my facebook, it's pretty rough for me when I first read it:

"Watching people mourn the loss of you while you are standing right in front of them is a surreal experience, that only someone who is transgender can truly understand"

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Rereading this article and the comments below it I can't say I have seen any indication of mourning in my family (besides my wife), as they have been accepting and kind to me as they always have been.  I have three sisters and two brothers in law.  They have been wonderful to me.  Even among my friends no one seems to be "down" about me.  I hope it's because they see the same person, albeit only happier.  I feel I am certainly lucky as I do have friends who have lost all family contacts. 

Jani 

Link to comment

That old saying "we're still the same person". I could never really wrap my head around it because we really aren't the same. I've spent a lot of time thinking about it, and I think I figured it out, for me anyway. I realize that I am the same core individual. I feel the same feelings as before, although some are new and feelings are far more intense, I realized that I am indeed the same. The difference is how I acted/reacted. So, when my wife says "ohhh nooo you're not the same"!

My personal conclusion is that my core being is the same, but my 'user-interface', if you will, has changed. What do I mean by that? A user interface is a technical term for how a human controls a piece of equipment. Which includes the display, what the human sees".

What has made a 170-degree change is my user-interface. How people see me. How people hear me. I had no idea of this, but my wife and I were in the car, she was driving and a girlfriend called. When I finished my conversation my wife told me "I have no idea who that was. You completely turned into someone else, I didn't even recognize your voice"!

When we're out and she stands back and really pays attention, she wouldn't know who that is.

My wife told me that her brother told her that even he said to her "even I can see that 95% of 'deadname' is gone. You have t come to terms with that".

Even if I dressed the old way, my wife said "it almost doesn't matter because you're not the same at all". 

While we all feel genuinely better during transition and/or hormones, it does change us more than we realize. I'm nine months in and I'm still trying to control the little witch that pops up from time to time. Ugh. LOL

Anyway, I guess my point is, we are both: 1) the same, And 2) different. We tend to be less aware of our mannerisms and other non-tangible changes.

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   2 Members, 0 Anonymous, 133 Guests (See full list)

    • April Marie
    • Willow
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.6k
    • Total Posts
      768k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,014
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Quillian
    Newest Member
    Quillian
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Bowie Ellis
      Bowie Ellis
      (19 years old)
    2. Damien Mcknight
      Damien Mcknight
      (18 years old)
    3. JJ
      JJ
      (77 years old)
    4. KathyLauren
      KathyLauren
      (70 years old)
    5. memyselfandwe
      memyselfandwe
      (44 years old)
  • Posts

    • Abigail Genevieve
      It was nine thirty.  Saturday morning had rolled around more quickly than Taylor could believe.  She groaned, whined, thought of a million excuses why she should just stay in bed and knock the alarm across the room.  But it would still be going on, and so would the promise to Bob: when the gi came in, she would be in. There it was in its nice package, out where she could not miss it.  Why didn't she hide it?  She shook her head.   Up she got.  Sometimes you just do.  Her hair was a wreck. She patted it down and went to the bathroom.  Nine forty five. Shower later. No make up. She hated kara-tay especially at an ungodly early hour on a Saturday morning. Bagel. Instant coffee.  She was five minutes away when she realized she had forgotten the gi.  Back she went.   Into the dojo.  She had about five minutes to get the gi on.  She attempted to slip in unnoticed and go to the little restroom. Someone barked something out in Japanese or something, and there was a dead silence.  She turned to see what was going on. Both classes were getting into their lines, but everyone, including Bob, was bowing slightly. To her. Bob nodded, and she returned the bow.  Life started again. She was touched.   Bowing three times. Oath. Kata.  She was facing off with Judy as her partner.  Judy looked worried.   "Sometimes you just gotta pick yourself up and try again," Taylor told her. She nodded. "Let's do this."   Lunge punch and lower block.  They traded off like nothing had happened the last weekend.  Lunge punch and middle block. Lunge punch and upper block.  It was kind of like dancing. Taylor enjoyed it.  She wanted to learn more.  Brown-belt Maggie adjusted position of limbs and hips for both Taylor and Judy, telling them when she was about to do something: elbow up a bit".    "How'd you do?" Bob asked her later.  They had both gone home and showered. Now they were in a booth at a fast food place.   "I was kind of disappointed class ended. I was ready for more."   "That's my trooper."   "I'm not allowing you in my apartment until we are married," she said suddenly.   "You think I am a problem?"   "No.  I think you are safe. You passed the test  I am the problem here."   "Okay."   "What did the doctor tell you?"   "It's complicated.  More tests coming.  Like getting into college.  I got a letter back.  It seems there is this big fat M on my transcript and my current picture is not an M type picture.  I have to write a letter and send them notarized proofs and stuff. Just delays. This is a pain. Nothing cut and dried."   "I will say.  I'm glad I'm not transgender."   "Hah. You are pulled into my world.  You are involved in this stuff as much as I am, and, as you put it, of your own free will."   "You are worth it."   "I hope so."   "I know so."      
    • Abigail Genevieve
      On the way back to her desk she was interrupted by six short, urgent conversations that had to be attended to. Then she slipped into the women's room and locked the stall door.  She took a deep breath, then another, and allowed herself to shake for five minutes,  Then deep breathing, ten in and ten out, stretch up, touch the floor, neck rolls and she was fine. She used the toilet and a woman knocked and said, "Taylor, are you okay?"   "Ready to conquer the world!"  on her way out she found her makeup was fine.  Three stalls, two sinks.  If she ever designed a women's room with three stalls, there would be four sinks, with plenty of space to plunk your stuff down between them.   She met a deferential Karen.  "Here is the branding I came up with," she said.  And she went back to working as hard as Brenda and Mary, who looked up worriedly and then went back to the proposal.   Shortly before 5:00 she received an email with the title Consolidation and Compensation.  In it she learned that the position of office manager was eliminated, and the current office manager was to become the chief executive officer. The former CEO, along with the CFO, the chief legal officer, and sundry staff, had been terminated, per the Board of Directors.  Effective immediately everyone would receive a base salary of $20,000 with a commission to be set by the individual's supervisor.  Each supervisor would be given a certain percentage to distribute.  Most functions they had been handled would be outsourced as needed.   "The question of what profit was made last year is frequent enough to be answered.  The company lost over 500,000 in fiscal 2023.  At this point further cuts are not anticipated.  We will be strategically adding positions that will enhance our profits. Hard work is expected of everyone."   Her two web guys had been complaining because their games had been remotely uninstalled.  After the memo came out they were absolutely silent.  That gave her an idea, and after an exchange of emails they were reassigned to maintenance out at the plant, effective tomorrow morning.  There were lots of weeds that needed pulling, if nothing else. That email went out after they left early, for the day.  The maintenance foreman was a no-nonsense type who did not tolerate slacking, and they would learn a thing or two.  This also freed up two spaces for her to put new people.
    • MaeBe
      So…I didn’t know your Facebook avatar was public. So, on my birthday, a couple people used a group avatar message to wish me a happy birthday…and now my Facebook friends can see a short video of my female avatar dancing with an old friend’s and another with my uncle’s avatars. So am I “Facebook out” now? 😬
    • Davie
      No, they are not. Truth wins in the end and this report is full of lies that poison the whole thing: see this: "Dr. Cass Backpedals From Review: HRT, Blockers Should Be Made Available it's said. Dr. Cass's latest statements are likely to cast more doubt on the validity of the study, which has come under fire for disregarding substantial evidence on trans care." https://www.erininthemorning.com/p/dr-cass-backpedals-from-review-hrt?publication_id=994764&post_id=143743897&isFreemail=true&r=rebf4&triedRedirect=true I hope Dr. Cass wins The Mengele Award for it.
    • Adrianna Danielle
      Boyfriend and I went to a support group for spouses dating or married to a transgender person on Tuesday night for the first time.It was amazing meeting other couples like us.One was a genetic woman whom has been dating a transgender male for the first time and she is supporting his transition.Us,they were amazed by us agreeing on something we said,love and acceptance have brought us together
    • Abigail Genevieve
      By which I mean there is a cultural stereotype of what a man is, and one of what a woman is.  Even worse, of what a transgender person is.   You be you.   I read of a boy who thought he was a girl because he did not adhere to some (rather toxic) conceptions of what it means to be a man, so he decided he was a girl.  He was told he didn't have to conform to stereotype and got happy. "You mean I don't have to transition?" He didn't want to, and was relieved.   Once upon a time if you were transgender they told you either you transition or die.   Incorporate the best of what it means to be a man and the best of what it means to be a woman as much as you possibly can, and let the rest go.  Be fully human. Be alive. Don't conform to some cultural crud.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      On the way back to her desk she was interrupted by six short, urgent conversations that had to be attended to. Then she slipped into the women's room and locked the stall door.  She took a deep breath, then another, and allowed herself to shake for five minutes,  Then deep breathing, ten in and ten out, stretch up, touch the floor, neck rolls and she was fine. She used the toilet and a woman knocked and said, "Taylor, are you okay?"   "Ready to conquer the world!"  on her way out she found her makeup was fine.  Three stalls, two sinks.  If she ever designed a women's room with three stalls, there would be four sinks, with plenty of space to plunk your stuff down between them.   She met a deferential Karen.  "Here is the branding I came up with," she said.  And she went back to working as hard as Brenda and Mary, who looked up worriedly and then went back to the proposal.   Shortly before 5:00 she received an email with the title Consolidation and Compensation.  In it she learned that the position of office manager was eliminated, and the current office manager was to become the chief executive officer. The former CEO, along with the CFO, the chief legal officer, and sundry staff, had been terminated, per the Board of Directors.  Effective immediately everyone would receive a base salary of $20,000 with a commission to be set by the individual's supervisor.  Each supervisor would be given a certain percentage to distribute.  Most functions they had been handled would be outsourced as needed.   "The question of what profit was made last year is frequent enough to be answered.  The company lost over 500,000 in fiscal 2023.  At this point further cuts are not anticipated.  We will be strategically adding positions that will enhance our profits. Hard work is expected of everyone."   Her two web guys had been complaining because their games had been remotely uninstalled.  After the memo came out they were absolutely silent.  That gave her an idea, and after an exchange of emails they were reassigned to maintenance out at the plant, effective tomorrow morning.  There were lots of weeds that needed pulling, if nothing else. That email went out after they left early, for the day.  The maintenance foreman was a no-nonsense type who did not tolerate slacking, and they would learn a thing or two.  This also freed up two spaces for her to put new people.
    • Davie
      Except for this thung thwister: Theophilus Thistle, the successful thistle sifter, in sifting a sieve full of unsifted thistles, thrust three-thousand thistles through the thick of his thumb. Now if, Theophilus Thistle, the successful thistle sifter, in sifting a sieve full of of unsifted thistles, thrust three-thousand thistles through the thick of his thumb, how many thistles can'st thou thrust through the thick of thy thumb . . . in sifting a sieve-full of unsifted thistles? Success to the successful thistle sifter!
    • VickySGV
      You have given you and us a big clue right there.  I hope you have shared this observation with your Endocrinologist and are willing to take their advice about changing that behavior.    Non prescribed herbal or animal supplements can have a negative effect on your body's use of your available hormones.  Also, your genetics are going to be controlling what your body is going to do with your hormones, and again, that is for you to consult with your Endocrinologists.  On this site none of us are licensed medical personnel and we cannot give you advice on your health more than what your doctor can.  We have rules that we enforce against our members advising about "Folk Remedies" because we have had members who have gone that route and badly damaged their health and quality of life.  Only thing I can go anywhere on, is that maybe if you change your expectations of what should happen, you will at least not be in danger of harming yourself from anxiety.
    • Timi
      Hi @violet r!    Thank you so much for sharing. I'm so glad you found this place. I hope you find as much comfort and support here as I have.    -Timi    
    • marysssia
      Hi lovely people,   I'm a 25 yo MtF woman, and I've been suffering from low estrogen issues since October 2023. I completely lost my feminine libido, my breast completely stopped growing, my estrogen levels dropped by a lot (despite NOT decreasing my E dosage) and thus my dysphoria drastically increased. I think it is worth mentioning that, for my health issues, I had been taking ----- Lamotrigine for months & had been on ketogenic diet, and these things seem to be a culprit of my current issue. I weaned off Lamotrigine some time ago and gave up on keto diet, but it still doesn't seem to help. My estrogen is still low (44 ng/ml) and my libido hasn't come back yet. In general, I struggle with my dysphoria so much because of that and, to be honest, I don't know what to do. I've tried so many dietary supplements, yet I didn't get any effects from them. My endocrinologist didn't know how to help me. She only suggested to increase my daily estrogen dose (to 3x per day ------sublingual estrogen tablets and 3x per day ------ estrogen gel applied to armpits or thighs), which I did, without any effect.   Please, help me. Prior to keto diet & Lamotrigine treatment, I'd never had experience like that. I'm basically helpless and have no clue what to do. Having to deal with low estrogen is a horrible experience to me and it affects my life severely.   BTW, my T levels are always within female range.   Do you have any clue what exactly I should do?
    • April Marie
      I love wearing a jeans skirt!! That looks like airport carpet. Safe travels if you're flying!!
    • Maddee
      Flight faraway forthcoming Fabulous forum friends 😊😊🎸🦂
    • Maddee
    • KathyLauren
      One of our cats is polydactyl.  He has 7 toes on each front paw and 5 on each back paw, for 24 toes total.   Another one, an ex-feral who, at the time, was free to roam, climbed 50 feet up a tree without having any thought about how he was going to get down.  His pal climed down backwards, but he couldn't.  He ended up coming down by leaping from branch to branch.  Which nearly gave us heart attacks, because he only has one eye and therefore has no depth perception.   The other ex-feral (both are now indoor cats) obviously does not have those soft pads on his feet.  At night, when we are in bed, we can hear him stomping around the house.
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...