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Clara84

What am I and what's happening to me

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Clara84

hi

happy to have found this forum, I write here because I am questioning myself and I am living something strange.

I am a 33 years old married "man" 
When I was a child I wanted to be a girl, to wear girl clothes and to do what the girls did. Started when I was 3 or 4 yo.
I started crossdressing and never could stop. When I was living alone I was in "full girl" mode at home.

Stopped everything when I started living with my wife. Then the urge come back. Now I wear some lingerie when I am alone and I feel that I need more more.

Sexually I am attracted to women, but also jealous from them. When I am making love to my wife I must think deeply that I am a girl to have an orgasm. 

I suffered depression disorder for many years now, and that gender dysphoria has never been discussed with the doctor; but thinking about it I can consider that it could explain many many things. When I am saying me that I am a girl, I feel so happy for a while. 

Am I a transgender ? non-binary ? 

 

 

These days it's happning someting very stange to me.

Since tuesday morning, I feel very very feminine, also without wearing anything (feels the urge to but cannot because of wife). 

The feeling is hard to describe but it feels like every sensations are different. The way I touch the things is a bit different and I feel something "feminine" in my fingers (am I mad ??)

Feeling so girly makes me feel very good but also makes me fear. WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME ??

 

Today the sensation is a bit gone and the mose surprising is that it misses me. I began to love my inner-girl and want to make her live.

Thank you for reading

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VickySGV

While I am not a doctor or psychologist, it sounds like you have Gender Dysphoria in some form.  What form, only you will be able to discover with the help of a Behavioral Health professional who has experience dealing with the Gender Dysphoria, we refer to them here as Gender Therapists, but they may be from several forms of licensed therapists  The feelings and behaviors you have described are shared by almost all of us on these forums, and some of us can control our lives by being free to Cross Dress, while others of us have gone to full time living and in a few cases Gender Confirmation Surgery.  Post here about what  you are going through and we will try to reply.  Read posts here and you may find one from years ago that speaks loudly to you today, or one posted only yesterday that is even louder in your experience.

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Clara84

Thank you for your reply. I am thinking about talking to a gender therapist but I am scared about talking to somebody. I already see a psychiatrics and I am not ready to talk to her. 

On the other side, a big "NO GO" for me to explore my feminine side publicly is that I look strictly like a (ugly) man, . I got a long hair with a girly haircut on a male body. I hate so much my body that I don't care well about it . I am also over-weighted 110kg (240 lbs) for 170cm. When I crossdress I love all the feelings but hate the mirror and don't take any photo. As a male I naturally also hate the mirror. Always hated it. I can't watch a photo of myself, even when it's a picture of me as a child I find myself ugly.

The other NO GO is my family. I am married and have 2 kids. Love the kids but don't love to be "the father" (difficult to explain).

My wife don't know anything. I love her but perhaps more as a lesbian than as a guy. She wanted me to get a male haircut, noway for me. My long hair is the only thing I like on me. Love playing with it. The fact that she dislikes the only visible "female" side of me makes me afraid for the future.

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Clara84

sorry for the multi posts but I try to relate what I feel here.

Another thing I don't understand... I almost always dreamed to be a girl since I am a child. Now I am thinking about a therapist, I talk on forums like this one. Why I am doing that NOW ? after 30 years. I don't know, I just feel the need and I don't understand why I hadn't explored that before although the symptoms were already present.

Recently, I was on the toilet and I felt like my genitals don't belong to me. That was really scary. One another day I woke up with the feeling I had a women breast. Such symptoms are recent and made me afraid.

I am feeling now like all my life is a fake.

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MarcieMarie12

Most nerve wracking part of transition for me was how to come out to my family and now ex-wife. As Vicky noted a gender therapist would be extremely helpful at this point.

I was 42 when I began to transition. Similar to your experience I had been crossdressing off and on my entire life. I stopped and got married, but the desire came back two years later stronger than before. I called it my tipping point. I could no longer use the excuse when I get married, I'll be ok. I wasn't. Two years into the mariage, I got depressed despite being married having a nice house and a good job. Life was not perfect but not terrible. It was ok, but in the end it did not make me happy and I got depressed again and my only relief was the 1 hour in the morning I dressed. I did not like looking in the mirror either BTW. 

You are not alone, and welcome to Laura's! Feel free to ask questions too. :)

Hugs,

Marcie

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Cindy Truheart
51 minutes ago, gt002 said:

I am feeling now like all my life is a fake.

You sound like I did a little less than a year ago. Kind of feel like you are going crazy? Yep! Sounds just like me!

I don't know how things are for you in your country, but over here our mental health professionals have to keep our secrets unless we are actively committing crimes. Talking with someone was the only way I kept from making a lot of bad decisions. I think you should reconsider talking with your therapist about this.

Everything you have said so far is almost exactly like me except for having children and for cross dressing. But I didn't need to cross dress, I had other things I did to help. But the feelings you are having, the dreams and waking up feeling different, that is me all the way.

My wife celebrated me as a "Man's Man". I acted very masculine. Now she says that I was overcompensating. I used to have long hair but cut it before I found her. I cut it even shorter because she liked it. I grew a mustache and goatee even though I hate facial hair, because she liked it.

Everyone's situation is different, but the choices are yours. No matter what, we will be here when you need us. Welcome to Laura's, welcome to the family.

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Charlize

I have no idea what made me start to come out after hiding for 60 + years but once i started i realized i couldn't be happy without dealing with my issues in an honest fashion.  That meant being honest, first here in the safety of the internet, then with a therapist, some close friends and eventually my family.  Like you i hated the mirror when i dressed.  Maybe my legs looked ok at times but the rest of me seemed terrible.  

Being here and sharing with others was probably as important as anything.  Maybe it was simply knowing that i was not alone that helped.  Others had experienced and were experiencing the same feelings.

Welcome to Laura's.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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Guest
8 hours ago, gt002 said:

hi

happy to have found this forum, I write here because I am questioning myself and I am living something strange.

I am a 33 years old married "man" 
When I was a child I wanted to be a girl, to wear girl clothes and to do what the girls did. Started when I was 3 or 4 yo.
I started crossdressing and never could stop. When I was living alone I was in "full girl" mode at home.

Stopped everything when I started living with my wife. Then the urge come back. Now I wear some lingerie when I am alone and I feel that I need more more.

Sexually I am attracted to women, but also jealous from them. When I am making love to my wife I must think deeply that I am a girl to have an orgasm. 

I suffered depression disorder for many years now, and that gender dysphoria has never been discussed with the doctor; but thinking about it I can consider that it could explain many many things. When I am saying me that I am a girl, I feel so happy for a while. 

Am I a transgender ? non-binary ? 

 

 

These days it's happning someting very stange to me.

Since tuesday morning, I feel very very feminine, also without wearing anything (feels the urge to but cannot because of wife). 

The feeling is hard to describe but it feels like every sensations are different. The way I touch the things is a bit different and I feel something "feminine" in my fingers (am I mad ??)

Feeling so girly makes me feel very good but also makes me fear. WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME ??

 

Today the sensation is a bit gone and the mose surprising is that it misses me. I began to love my inner-girl and want to make her live.

Thank you for reading

Well hon, it sounds like there's more than enough to start looking for a gender therapist. 

And honestly, I haven't heard this one before in a story, but it certainly described me.

Welcome, and nice to meet you....

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Clara84

Oh thank you for these welcome messages.  it's nice to see I am not alone.

21 hours ago, MarcieMarie12 said:

 and I got depressed again and my only relief was the 1 hour in the morning I dressed. 

Oh that's me. I wake up every morning at 5 to have my "girl time" when everybody asleep. Feel always very sad when the time is over.

 

20 hours ago, Cindy Truheart said:

You sound like I did a little less than a year ago. Kind of feel like you are going crazy? Yep! Sounds just like me!

I don't know how things are for you in your country, but over here our mental health professionals have to keep our secrets unless we are actively committing crimes. Talking with someone was the only way I kept from making a lot of bad decisions. I think you should reconsider talking with your therapist about this.

Yes I  feel crazy. like if I am in a roleplay. Just want to stop playing now but I can't. Roleplay began when my father said "no. you're a boy" when I was 3 yo and wanted to wear dresses. 

I found  that there is a free and anonymous gender therapist in my city once a week. Seriously thinking about going there but very scared. Talking with my therapist makes me more afraid than an unknown one.

19 hours ago, Charlize said:

That meant being honest, first here in the safety of the internet, then with a therapist, some close friends and eventually my family.

The sad part is my family. I feel now dishonest with them but absolutely not ready to came out. I am still in love with my wife but everything seems now so fake that's I am feeling like I am lying to her. Thinking about that makes me cry.

I will take some times to read stories here and time for me to think about all this. Thank you for supporting me.

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Clara84

Yeah too much in my head today. Had to take some anxyolitic to "live" this day.

This morning my wife was out and I get fully dressed with underwear, lacey top and a cute dress. It was a long time that I hadn't worn more than underwear. It was a so wonderful moment. Not sexually but an extreme "feel good" sensation. I wished I would keep this outfit for the whole day. Unfortunately, not possible. So sad to take everything off and get back to those ugly clothes.

If only I could start over my life it will be simpler.

 

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Clara84
2 hours ago, viviennemichelle said:

Had the same feelings, still do.I can't believe that your wife doesn't know something is wrong,they have a lot of intuition,at some stage you will get caught, it happens to most of us! and that combined with your need for mental relief will ensure all will out. It might be better to start to break the news slowly rather than have one enormous "bust up".

hugs

viviennemichelle

Now Thinking 24/24 can't sleep about this coming out and the fact that I am really a girl seems more and more evident.

You're right. My wife must see that there's something wrong with me. Perhaps she will ask, perhaps I could answer. But no remarks. Also no remarks regarding my hairdressing (asymetric ponytail with pink scrunchie; all hair is coming over my left shoulder).

I thinking very deeply about the wording I should use in the coming out

" I am a girl" / "a transgender" / "a crossdresser" / I have a gender dyphoria.

Was first thinking I must see a therapist to have a diagnostic before coming out. but I don't know if I can't wait longer.

Apart of crossdressing, what can I do "incognito" to feel more feminine ?

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Clara84

I continued to send some signs to my wife. Just have ask her to have a manicure (she does nail art). She does it to me but says "no varnish, only peeling and hand care" I should have insisted for the varnish but was afraid.

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Cindy Truheart
2 hours ago, gt002 said:

I continued to send some signs to my wife. Just have ask her to have a manicure (she does nail art). She does it to me but says "no varnish, only peeling and hand care" I should have insisted for the varnish but was afraid.

Women may have an intuition, but they also can have blinders on as well! It may be that your wife thinks that you are simply confident in your masculinity and aren't afraid to do some feminine things. It may be that she suspects something but is afraid to ask. It may be that she knows something is wrong but is waiting for when you are ready to talk to her. It may be that she doesn't know what to do.

It's a frightening conversation to have. But having it is going to be a relief to her in some ways since not knowing what it going on can be just as terrifying and stressful for her. The important thing is to not overwhelm her with it. Arrange some quiet time for the two of you to have this conversation. Go slow, be honest, express how much you love her and are committed to her, and there is a chance the two of you can make it.

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Clara84

I am thinking about writing a letter to introduce her, she would have to read the full letter first and the bomb comes at the end, orally. because if I begin with "I am a girl/ a transgender" (which is the best ?) she would be chocked and not  ready to hear the details and explanations.
What do you think about that approach ?

and... I am happy to tell you that I have chosen my first name.

From now, you can call me Clara. Always loved this name. I felt urge to choose it because I am beginning to hate my male name. Like I hate to write "Male" on official forms as sex. 

 

 

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Cindy Truheart

I think the letter is fine, just be there and ready to talk when she reads it. No matter how well you explain it, she will have questions and concerns. Be ready to talk, be ready to reassure her that you are still committed to your relationship. Be ready for tears. Be ready for anger. Be ready for anything.

You'll do better than me, both me and my wife were completely drunk when I told her and I hadn't planned a damn thing. It was the worst possible way to tell her. And yet, the next day we talked. She asked questions, she cried, and it was the beginning of my healing and her coming to understand.

You'll do fine, lots of love Clara.

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Clara84
2 hours ago, Cindy Truheart said:

I think the letter is fine, just be there and ready to talk when she reads it. No matter how well you explain it, she will have questions and concerns. Be ready to talk, be ready to reassure her that you are still committed to your relationship. Be ready for tears. Be ready for anger. Be ready for anything.

You'll do better than me, both me and my wife were completely drunk when I told her and I hadn't planned a damn thing. It was the worst possible way to tell her. And yet, the next day we talked. She asked questions, she cried, and it was the beginning of my healing and her coming to understand.

You'll do fine, lots of love Clara.

Thank you for advices, I will begin to write the letter

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Clara84

My first pictures, just natural, no make up. Could it be possible I became a pretty girl?

 

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Cindy Truheart

You're lovely Clara!

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Clara84
1 hour ago, Cindy Truheart said:

You're lovely Clara!

Thank you Cindy. it's so nice to read a compliment from a girl to another girl.

Here is the letter I wrote for my wife. Original letter is in french language, so this is google translate 

Quote

To the woman of my life.
I have to tell you something . I may be a "bomb" but I have to do it, in order to get better, and above all out of love for you
Also, I prefer that you read these few lines first.
1. I love you! Over all ! And I will always love you in spite of what you may think.
2. The secret that I am about to share with you has been pursuing me for over 30 years, it is because I have confidence in you that I will reveal it to you
3. You will mostly be disappointed because you will say that I "hid" you from things.
I did not say anything before that day because I needed to be sure of myself.
I am conscious of this state deep inside of me since I was 2 years old (and you know that I have hardly any memory of this period of my life, but I remember it as if it were yesterday). The whole world told me it was impossible, so I tried during the last 30 years to live thinking this impossible state. Today is no longer the case, I can not pretend. I myself accepted this fact that very recently, so I could not talk about it before and I apologize deeply.
The good news: My diagnosed health problems such as depression, anxiety, psychoses are only aggravating symptoms of the main condition I suffer from. I will be able to heal this permanent discomfort.
The bad news: The new "treatment" involves a radical change of life, and that's when I'm not sure you're following me. On some occasions, I was able to experience this "treatment" in low doses and it is absolutely miraculous. But doing it without you knowing it has become too difficult.
4. Once the secret is revealed, no return will be possible.
5. What I'm going to tell you is not a choice, I can not influence it, it's my reality. So it is not out of selfishness but out of necessity and honesty that I have to face you.
6. Our marriage is paramount to me. It will be up to you to decide if you stay in this marriage with me despite this difference, you love change, originality and nonconformism, right?
7. At first the shock will be such that you risk moving away. But I will ask you to think carefully and ask me all the questions that go through your head before making a decision too hasty. I'll give you the time you need.
8. Know that we are not alone in this situation and many couples have overcome and live happily.
9. Even if we could find a comic aspect, please do not laugh.
10. I am about to bare myself as I have never done with anyone, it is a very difficult test for me, and if I do it is that I trust you, love of my life
When you know everything, you will be able to find answers to many traits of my character and my lifestyle. You will finally understand so much about my behavior. You will also understand why I was sometimes distant, especially in recent days. You must have been sad and I apologize. If you stay in the adventure, I could finally be myself and finally hoarse
I hope you are ready for the big jump.
Perhaps an idea? Question?

Always there, well. Sit down and read what follows ... I am here. I love you.

The idea is, I will be with her when she will read it. I will give her the next page only when she's ready.

the next page 

Quote

I suffer from the gender dysphoria ... basically, I'm a girl!
I am a woman in the body of a man.
- Take a break or tell me if you need it - Right now you can interrupt the reading and ask me any questions you want and then resume reading.

You admitted to me being bisexual, I believe you and I admire the courage you have had to tell me. Now you know you married a woman 4 years ago.
As for me, avoid any ambiguity immediately, I am attracted exclusively by women. I am a lesbian and will never be attracted to men. I rather find the men disgusting. My body, moreover, disgusts me. YOU ALWAYS THAT WHICH PLEASES ME, THAT I LOVE AND THAT WITH WHO I WANT TO AGE

there are 2 more pages where I comment how I lived all these years with dysphoria. I won't share them here.

and the conclusion

Quote

The following
It depends on your opinion. We will do things at your own pace if you need time.
We must of course also think of children who will know the truth sooner or later.

It is not necessary to inform the world, let us take the time.
The rest obviously depends on whether you will be in the game or not. I really hope that will be the case. Your husband was dying and had no more joy in life, but your new wife asks only to live happily with you.
Here. I'm sorry to make you live this. I now expect the worst. But to remain in silence was torture for me.

Kisses
Clara, your wife who loves you

I feel the urge to come out, I can't see any therapist before Wednesday evening. I don't know if I can wait 2 more days.

 Please share your opinions about my letter. I will keep this topic live updated.

Love

Clara

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Clara84
46 minutes ago, viviennemichelle said:

Clara,you could start to shave your chest, and then perhaps the underarms, I do both over here cyclists shave their leg to reduce wind resistance! I couldn't get away with that.

viviennemichelle

sure I will... but first I must come out. I don't own a bicycle and I am not going to lie anymore about why I do that.

I know I am not so pretty and I don't know what happened this morning, I was a bit crazy to post such pictures, wasn't I ?

it's the 1st time I share pictures of me on the internet, even on social networks am I a "non-photo" user, but I felt the need to do it, don't know why.

Clara

 

 

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VickySGV
5 minutes ago, gt002 said:

I know I am not so pretty and I don't know what happened this morning, I was a bit crazy to post such pictures, wasn't I ?

it's the 1st time I share pictures of me on the internet, even on social networks am I a "non-photo" user, but I felt the need to do it, don't know why.

In time and with some confidence in just being yourself you will see the "pretty" you more easily.  Here on the Playground, it is NOT CRAZY to post pictures and all of us have done it since this is a "family" site for Trans* folk.  Your questions are ones we all have had about ourselves in the beginning and even down the road a bit.  It is not being pretty that is our goal, but seeing a self that has been hidden for so long.

You posted the pictures because it was simply TIME in your life to do so.  It could have happened years ago, or even some time in the future, but you would have done it.   Take a deep breath now and smile for having done it.

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Clara84
3 minutes ago, VickySGV said:

It is not being pretty that is our goal, but seeing a self that has been hidden for so long.

That's it, right ! I posted these pictures because I saw the beginning of "the real me" behind them

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Guest Alicia Rose

Hey! Welcome to LP!

I noticed your pictures and you have such pretty eyes!

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Cindy Truheart
1 hour ago, gt002 said:

That's it, right ! I posted these pictures because I saw the beginning of "the real me" behind them

Finally getting a glimpse of the girl inside is priceless. Our transformations take a lot of time, but finally seeing the feminine for the first time is like balm on a wound.

I like your letter, I think you will do well. You are a bit of a drama queen like myself, but I don't consider it to be a bad thing! ;)

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Clara84

Letter is ready. Now I am silent and afraid. Was eating with wife and kids and thought perhaps it's one of the last time if I come out I will lose everybody. I don't want that.

But Clara can't remain in the closet anymore...

Tonight or not tonight, that's the question.

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