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Clara84

What am I and what's happening to me

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tracy_j

We are here for you and with you, whatever you decide to do!

Tracy x

 

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Clara84
5 hours ago, tracy_j said:

We are here for you and with you, whatever you decide to do!

Tracy x

 

You are wonderful, all of you.

Finally I fall asleep very early and didn't talk to her. Was too tired and ate too much anxiolitics

Now woke up and feel like terrified and very sad.

I am crying.

Thanks for being with me

Love

Clara

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Cindy Truheart

This isn't an easy thing to do Clara. Take your time if you need to darlin'. You are doing this right, so don't be hard on yourself. <3

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Clara84

No it's not easy. Was a little euphoric after writing the letter but the next step is the BIG step. Terrifying.

Had very bad feelings. This night I thought I could run away and start over as the real me elsewhere. I don't like having bad thought like this. This closet make me suffocating.

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Cindy Truheart
5 hours ago, gt002 said:

Had very bad feelings. This night I thought I could run away and start over as the real me elsewhere. I don't like having bad thought like this. This closet make me suffocating.

I ran away when I was a kid. I ran away again when I joined the military. It never helped and just made things worse for me. But I know the feeling, I wanted to run away again when I finally stopped repressing and denying almost a year ago. Running just delays things temporarily. Not telling just delays things. But you have to make sure you are strong enough, that you are up to the challenge. When you start to chaff at being forced to be something you are not, when you simply can't stand to keep it inside any longer, that is a sign that you could be ready. But you don't have to say anything, you have time. Take it slow, do it when you are ready.

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Clara84

UPDATE ! JUST DID IT ! and it sounds goods. 

Thank you for the courage you've given to me.

More details later...

 

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Clara84

I was feeling very bad this afternoon and my wife was questioning me about what was happening.

First I said "nothing" and started crying.

Then she send the kids to play outside and she insisted for over an hour to know what I had to say.

Then I read for her the first part of the letter but was blocked at the moment to "throw the bomb."

She asks if I was an "homosexual", I said "yes, but attracted to women"

she didn't understand. After 10 minutes of questioning, I was really coming out, I told her everything about the clothes, the feelings I have since I was a kid. No lie, only honesty.

Her first answer was : "Oh Cool! And you will do your transition?" and then "What's your girl name ?"

She said she is OK with everything but she will need time to make the switch in her head.

We also talked about the kids and we decide that for the moment, I can be myself only in the bedroom to preserve the child. But she's also encouraging me to come out to the children in the future.

She's been very supportive, said she would always support me even if I transition.

She now wants to see the clothes, she's also open to share some items and she also give me a discount coupon for buying new clothes. She's wonderful.

Now I will calm down and try not to overwhelm her. I must evaluate the situation in the following days and be aware of her questions. But all sounds very good now.

8 hours ago, Cindy Truheart said:

When you start to chaff at being forced to be something you are not, when you simply can't stand to keep it inside any longer, that is a sign that you could be ready.

Cindy, when I read this sentence, I knew it was the right moment. Thank you.

I am happy to be now a BIG step further and to begin my real life

Next stop : gender therapist

 

Love

Clara

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Jani423

Clara this is very good.  I'm sure you are relieved and your wife knows the truth.  You can now get on with lives.  Congratulations.

Jani

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Clara84

Yes, I am relieved and I am happy to be out to my wife. 

But I am still anxious, this is a very fresh news, I am not sure my wife will be so enthusiastic in a few days, but I hope so.

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Clara84

My wife is now questioning me, some questions are difficult to answer. She considers Clara and [MyMaleName] like two persons. I explained that [MyMaleName] was always Clara hidden inside.

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Clara84

My wife is now questioning me, some questions are difficult to answer. She considers Clara and [MyMaleName] like two persons and asks which one loves her. I explained that [MyMaleName] was always Clara hidden inside. But she don't understand that

I also went to gender a specialist today. We had good talking. He said that I already started a kind of transition process in my mind. Now I must see the psychiatrist for 3 months before I can get HRT.

 

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Jani423

Clara that's good that your meeting with your therapist went well.  A good therapist in invaluable.   I can understand how you wife might see the Clara and still see the old you too.  She's known and lived with that person for some time so it may be a while before she will only see Clara.   While she hasn't said it for some time my spouse says when she looks at me she still sees the old me.  I know it is hard.  My face is the same, just happier.   I told my Mother that she would most likely see "him" for a long time because that's who she's known for (many) years.   She does wonderfully though.   

It's encouraging that your wife is supportive but take it slow with her.  This is a big change in her life that she never anticipated.  Be loving.

Jani  

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Clara84

You're right Jani, I am going too fast, the emotions and feelings are so powerful, it is hard to "stop the machine".

I slow down as much as possible but my wife also can't talk about anything else. She is interested in discovering the "real me" and I find that's wonderful. I really feel a lot of love from her.

We both feel terrified about the social transition, especially towards the kids. How to deal with young kids within a transition ? I know the society will say that's "no good for the kids" but having a depressive "father" is also "no good". The "What would people say" question is a very big thing. 

A "little voice" in my head says me "you can now be yourself in the intimacy, be happy and don't go further"
but the "biggest voice" says I must hurry to transition because I have already lost a lot of time. 

Another issue since my coming out is that we both don't feel anymore comfortable speaking with any people. A part of me want to come out to everybody, but I know it's going too fast. We should keep the secret at least during the initial therapy. The difficult part is to live "normally" with that secret. 

Love

Clara

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tracy_j

Good luck Clara :)

Things seem to be going , As others have said - It is a big change for wife! It happens with everyone. Take it steady and open. Acceptance takes time and understanding will take even longer.

Tracy

 

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Clara84

Being the real me with the love of my wife makes me feel as good as never before. She also noticed that I am happier than ever.
I feel now more close to her than before. She's wonderful in acceptance. 

the specialist told me, this coming-out started a transition process in my mind. But he didn't told me where is the "brake pedal".

The dysphoria has worsened. it's worse than ever. Putting my male clothes begin to be a real torture; and when I saw people I am feeling so... different. Yesterday I went to a co-worker house and other friends were there, but this time, no woman. My first thought when I came in was "oh there is no girl". I cannot stay long there. I don't know how to describe what I felt, but it was very uncomfortable.

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