Hello

[Steffi_Memmel]

Hello,

My name is Steffi.  It is not the name I was born with.  It is the name I wish I was born with.  I am separated from my wife of 28 years, with two adult daughters.  I have been obsessed with dressing and feeling female since my earliest memories.  These desires and feelings have dominated most of my life, and ruined pretty much ALL of my relationships, including my marriage.  I do remain close to my Mother, who is unaware that I still have "dressing issues", and am close with one of my daughters, who I HOPE is unaware...

For the longest, I just thought I was a CD/TV, because of my focus on female clothes.  Initially, I wore in part for sexual stimulation.  Over the years, that has significantly waned, and yet I still dress female, even more now that I live alone, to feel comfortable, to feel "right".  I have roughly five times as many female clothes as male.  While many are kind of sexy/costume/fetish stuff, most is just girly and feminine "normal" womens'/girls' wear.

Like many teens, I was fairly androgynous until well after puberty, and was often mistaken for a girl until I was around fifteen years old.  Damn, do I miss that feeling... 

Edit:  I should mention that I have taken several of the more reputable online "gender dysphoria" tests.  The results were (paraphrased) "Probable late-onset Transgender", "Highly Likely Transgender" and "69% Female Personality, Possible Transgender".  I know, I know, online quizzes/tests are nowhere near as reliable as an actual gender therapist, but it's what I HAVE...

At this point, I am pretty much convinced that I am a transgender.  I am terrified of the prospect.  I know that I could never "pass" as a female, even with surgery and hormones, so what's the point?  I have not spoken with a gender therapist.  I don't even know where to begun to find one that speaks English in my area of Germany.  Evenn if I could find one, I don't know if I would have the courage to go.  The very idea of telling freinds, family and co-workers that I am a TG paralyzes me.

I often suffer bouts of depression.  I have had suicidal thoughts in the past, but none in recent years.  I have become resigned that I'll never be who I am supposed to be, and I will likely die alone.

How's that for a cheery intro?

[Jani]

Welcome Steffi.  Your story is no different than many of us here.  I'm sorry to hear of your separation.  

58 minutes ago, Steffi_Memmel said:

Like many teens, I was fairly androgynous until well after puberty, and was often mistaken for a girl until I was around fifteen years old.  Damn, do I miss that feeling... 

I was regularly mistaken well until 19, and then occasionally even through my 50's.  Whether you are transgender or not only you can say.  But if I were to hazard a guess I would say so.  Keep looking for a therapist and don't be afraid to go.  Even though I was afraid to tell anyone, I felt I needed to talk to a professional.  I was terrified but it was the most uplifting experience as I felt a huge weight was taken from me.  Depression is not uncommon but don't let it drive your life.  

As far as a cheery intro, I suppose that's as good as it can get here!   Please join in the conversation and ask questions if you have any.

Cheers, 

Jani

[MarcieMarie12]

Welcome to Laura's Steffi!

I found that those online tests give the answer you want. But in the end, if your testing like that, and want to be female, that in and of itself is usually a strong indicator you have gender dysphoria. But that is something best left to working with a gender therapist. I know you posted about finding one in Bavaria, so hopefully you'll be able to find one soon.

Hugs,

Marcie

[Steffi_Memmel]

Jani and Marcie,

Thanks for the warm welcome!

Marcie, I know that most online tests are trying to sell you something, and the ones I took are likely no different.  But it was interesting how many of the questions on them are similar, even identical.  It's clear to me that if I "wanted" a higher "female" score, I could have easily "gamed" the test and gotten it.  I tried very hard to answer the questions honestly, even when it was clear which answers the test "thought" were more female or male.

The one that rated me a " Probable late-onset Transgender" provided a rather in-depth analysis of WHY it came to that conclusion, and even stated that it was "more than possible" that I was NOT transgender at all, and only real time with a professional Therapist or Psychologist could tell.

What I "wanted" to hear was that I was "just" a delusional crossdresser... OR that I was definitely a m2f Transgender.  None of the tests gave me that.  They all basically said, "Yeah.. you're probably Transgender... You should get that checked out... really.  It could be serious.".

I hope I can try

[KathrynJulia]

Hi Steffe

Welcome to Laura's Playground.   I was listening to what you are saying.  I would agree that you need to see a therapist.  He or she can determine and give you a confirmatory diagnosis of gender disphoria.  A letter of disphoria can come in handy if you want to take the next step of starting hormones.

It just doesn't matter to pass.  You do not have to pass,   It's more important to be happy.  Hormones will do a world of good fixing your depression and increasing your happiness.  Beginning transition is hard.  I know because I've gone through it.  

Steffi, you are entering an exciting time in your life.  It will be filled with pitfalls sure, but I have faith that you will get through them. It is so great  living as your true self.  Life as a girl is so great.  Keep looking 

Hugs  Kathryn

 

 

 

[MaryEllen]

Hello Steffi,

Welcome to Laura's Playground.

MaryEllen

[Steffi_Memmel]

Kathryn and MaryEllen,

Thank you for the welcome!

Kathryn, thanks for the positive thoughts It's kind of a big deal to me to even BE here, even with my real identity "hidden".  It's even a bigger deal to even admit to MYSELF that my "issues" are far deeper than enjoying wearing women's clothes.

At this point, I don't know if I actually AM entering an "exciting time in my life", or not...  I hope so, I truly do...  We will see

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to the Playground, Steffi.  I hope that by reading many posts and asking questions, you'll get a sense of who you are and what is possible.  Over the years, I have found that most of what I thought was impossible turned out to be very possible.  You might find the same.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Cindy Truheart]

Hi Steffi, welcome to Laura's!

Taking this path is a rollercoaster of emotions no matter which way you look at it. I would also suggest you look for a therapist, but I know how hard that can be to find. Lacking that I would tell you to make a plan and decide what to do. Some of us never come out of the closet and that is okay. Some of us leap out of the closet without thinking about the consequences and that can be rough. Take your time to decide what you want, what you can live with, and what will make you happy. Remember, you have to manage this and weigh your options as well as the impact it will have on those around you.

I wish you happiness and love! Remember, we are always here for you!

[Steffi_Memmel]

Carolyn and Cindy,

Thanks for the warm welcome, AND the words of encouragement!

Cindy, I have been looking for a therapists, and with Jani's help I may have found one.  I have been considering this for a long, long time, I just haven't had the courage to ACT on those thoughts.  Now I am at least ready to get a professional opinion.  That's a HUGE step for me, and I am still hedging my bets.  I am paying cash, and not claiming it on my insurance.  I'm taking "vacation hours" to attend the session, not "medical leave".

I'm not announcing to anybody outside of this forum what I am considering, until I am actually sure of precisely WHAT I am "considering"... 

I just know I am not happy.  I want to be happy.  I'm not clinically depressed, but I am definitely NOT happy, and I often wonder, "What's the point in living, if you're not enjoying your life?".  I need to do SOMETHING, or I might become dangerously depressed.  So I am

[Steffi_Memmel]

I didn't know where else to post this...

I went back to the online "Gender Dysphoria" tests.  Rather than being honest, I tried to answer them as they appeared to WANT me to answer to "present" as TG...  I only tried to the two most reputable and comprehensive ones.

"Probable late-onset Transgender" became TRANSGENDER, literally in allcaps.  "69% Female Personality, Possible Transgender" became just "Transgender" (minus the "possible"), 95% Female Personality, with dire warnings to seek IMMEDIATE professional medical assistance and counseling.  It even went on to say that I was SO "Female Thinking", that I might be actually intersexed, rather than TG, and I should get myself tested as soon as possible.

So, yeah...  The tests aren't perfect. But if you're honest, they can be a tool.  If you're not (being honest), why even bother taking them in the first place?

 

/hugs

 

-Steffi

[Guest]

Those tests may provide some ideas, but I personally, seriously doubt that they could be considered very accurate.

During my first few months of counseling. I started to wonder if maybe this was just a new hobby, I've had a million. But over time I started remembering things from when I was around 4-5, and throughout life. 

Look for hints throughout. I recall many, but the strongest is when I was 5 and told my father that I am supposed to be a girl (or something like that). It didn't go over well, obviously. I started realizing how many things were related to my trans, but I never realized it. Luck, sweetie.....

[Steffi_Memmel]

7 hours ago, Fiona said:

Those tests may provide some ideas, but I personally, seriously doubt that they could be considered very accurate.

Oh, they're not accurate at all...  They rely waaaay too much on outdated stereotypes and generalizations, but if answered honestly, they are a decent indicator, nothing more

7 hours ago, Fiona said:

During my first few months of counseling. I started to wonder if maybe this was just a new hobby, I've had a million. But over time I started remembering things from when I was around 4-5, and throughout life. 

Look for hints throughout. I recall many, but the strongest is when I was 5 and told my father that I am supposed to be a girl (or something like that). It didn't go over well, obviously. I started realizing how many things were related to my trans, but I never realized it. Luck, sweetie.....

Thank you!  I'm kind of already starting on that.  Cross-Dressing and the desire to "feel" like a girl/woman have been a MAJOR part of my life pretty much forever.  I could just never get over that hump, and make the logical "leap" that I wanted to BE female, not "just" dress and act like one.  It's not hard to find examples of my "Trans" nature showing through, they were there, inmy face, almost every day of my life.

I just kept stubbornly refusing to recognize them, for a lot of reasons, probably, but mainly because the very idea of "transitioning" absolutely terrifies me.  In retrospect, the question isn't, "Are you SURE you want to be female?", it's "Why in the HELL did you wait so long?  What do I have to do, hit you over the head with a two-by-four?!?"...

/hugs

-Steffi

[Guest]

10 hours ago, Steffi_Memmel said:

Oh, they're not accurate at all...  They rely waaaay too much on outdated stereotypes and generalizations, but if answered honestly, they are a decent indicator, nothing more

Thank you!  I'm kind of already starting on that.  Cross-Dressing and the desire to "feel" like a girl/woman have been a MAJOR part of my life pretty much forever.  I could just never get over that hump, and make the logical "leap" that I wanted to BE female, not "just" dress and act like one.  It's not hard to find examples of my "Trans" nature showing through, they were there, inmy face, almost every day of my life.

I just kept stubbornly refusing to recognize them, for a lot of reasons, probably, but mainly because the very idea of "transitioning" absolutely terrifies me.  In retrospect, the question isn't, "Are you SURE you want to be female?", it's "Why in the HELL did you wait so long?  What do I have to do, hit you over the head with a two-by-four?!?"...

/hugs

-Steffi

Yes, I look back and realized that I basically wasted 2/3 of my life fighting it, repressing it. Now I truly wish I had figured this all out years ago.

Perhaps it may be an indicator, however, I've seen people get very upset over the outcome, I just wanted to make sure you didn't fall in that boat.  

[Steffi_Memmel]

2 hours ago, Fiona said:

Perhaps it may be an indicator, however, I've seen people get very upset over the outcome, I just wanted to make sure you didn't fall in that boat.  

Thanks, sweetie The tests didn't tell me anything I didn't already know about myself.  If they had disagreed with my own assessment, it wouldn't have bothered me much, but they kind of turned out like I expected.  I'm waaaaaay more interested on what my Therapist and I talk about than a standardized test...  It was just something to do as I ravaged the interweb, looking for information on Gender Dysphoria

2 hours ago, Fiona said:

Yes, I look back and realized that I basically wasted 2/3 of my life fighting it, repressing it. Now I truly wish I had figured this all out years ago.

Ditto...  I'm getting the sense that this is an all-too-common theme among us sisters I appreciate you taking the time to comment on my various topics.  I'm kinda hangin' by a thread at the moment...

/hugs

-Steffi

[Guest]

9 minutes ago, Steffi_Memmel said:

Thanks, sweetie The tests didn't tell me anything I didn't already know about myself.  If they had disagreed with my own assessment, it wouldn't have bothered me much, but they kind of turned out like I expected.  I'm waaaaaay more interested on what my Therapist and I talk about than a standardized test...  It was just something to do as I ravaged the interweb, looking for information on Gender Dysphoria

Ditto...  I'm getting the sense that this is an all-too-common theme among us sisters I appreciate you taking the time to comment on my various topics.  I'm kinda hangin' by a thread at the moment...

/hugs

-Steffi

I'm far too intimate with that thread you speak of. And any time you'd like to PM me or whatever, go ahead. I'm also on facebook if you're interested.

I have a lot of trans and cis friends, but all my friends support the LGBTQ, I won't have friends that don't support people...  

*hugs* honey, take care.

[Charlize]

Welcome to Laura's Steffi.  I took a test early on and simply realized that i understood that it was amazingly easy to influence the results to where i wanted them to come out.  I had to find a path to self realization and acceptance on my own.  This site helped as did gender therapy.  I also found i needed some time living as myself doing the mundane tasks of life.

Knowing i wasn't alone certainly helped as well.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize