Salutations

[ChickenLittle]

Hello all, my name is Kendall.

It's only been within the last month that I realized I'm trans and I'm still trying to come to terms with it. I've been reading through lots of posts but find it hard to participate for some reason. So I guess I'll start with an introduction and see what happens from there-- 

When viewed through the perspective of being trans, so many pieces of my life seem to fit together and make sense in a way they didn't before. When I was a kid, I dressed in boys clothes and tucked my hair up into a baseball cap, trying to convince people that I was a boy. I used the men's restroom whenever I could get away with it. Thankfully, my family never pushed it and they encouraged me to be as rough-and-tumble as I wanted to be. I have a distinct memory of my mom describing a friend of mine as having a 'boyish figure' and asking her if I had one, too. She told me no, not really, and I was upset about it for years. Hearing the term 'boyish figure' STILL makes me feel terrible, actually. 

As I reached the end of elementary school, life got crazy. My dad was terminally ill and suffered from severe psychiatric issues and my mom became an addict, using my dad's prescription opiates constantly. My identity went to the back burner in every way. I lost my hobbies, my confidence, and my sense of self as I scrambled to take care of my dad and my younger brother. We were broke and got our food either from the Catholic charity near us or by writing bad checks, once per store until we ran out of stores to shop at. I even tried to drop out of school at age 11 because of my severe anxiety about leaving my dad alone. He died when I was 13, most likely from suicide (my family never talks about it but my brother and I agree that the day he died, he was definitely telling us 'goodbye'). I acquired an eating disorder that probably stunted my growth and delayed puberty and went through a series of abusive relationships until I met my current partner when In was 23. At that time, I started eating regularly again and BOOM, puberty hit. My hips widened and suddenly I had an hourglass shape that I was very uncomfortable with. 

I'm currently in college, preparing for a career in the health sciences. Last quarter, I took an anatomy/physiology class and had the weirdest experience. Keep in mind, this is before I realized that I'm trans. In lab, when we compared the hip girdles of male and female skeletons, I found myself getting really upset. I obsessed about it for weeks and started noticing that I can feel my tailbone when I sit down, because when I hit puberty my hips widened and my tailbone shifted back. Nearly every day, I told my (male) partner that I wished my hips were like his.

I don't know what it was that brought about my realization. I think it may be that I'm doing work with my therapist to help me notice and feel my body (I have issues with dissociation due to past sexual abuse). It's been good to work on, but as I become more aware of my body, I've become more aware that I don't feel at home in it. A few weeks ago, I got my hair cut and ended up with a more masculine haircut than I expected-- I think that was what made me realize. On top of that, the more masculine I present, the more I look like my dad. Part of me loves that because I miss him so much and he was such a talented person, but part of me is scared because I don't want to be like him. I don't want my mental illness to ruin my life like what happened to him. My partner and I have literally been counting down the years until I reach 30 (just three more to go!) because then I'll be well out of the danger zone for showing signs of psychosis. 

So here I am. Some days I feel like I NEED to move forward, start hormones, get top surgery. Other days I'm terrified of what all that means for me and terrified of being wrong and making irreversible changes that I'll regret, and I think it would be better to just shove everything way down and not think about it. This week I've been depressed and anxious; I'm prone to panic attacks. I can't wear my binder today because it makes me feel like I can't breathe, and I'm afraid it will cause a panic attack while I'm in class. But I don't want to go out without it. This morning I must have changed my clothes five times, crying and trying to find anything that wouldn't make me feel awful.

Hope that wasn't too long or too depressing. I'm glad to have found Laura's Playground, I can tell there are good people here. 

[Guest]

Hi ChickenLittle. 

I'm sooo sorry that this is so tough, and I'm glad you found Laura's as well. Welcome. *HUGS*

[MarcieMarie12]

Hi Chickenlittle, welcome to Laura's! 

For me the decision to tansition was like stepping of the cliff and learning to fly. I knew I needed to do it, I was just afraid of others reactions, how it would turn out--that I would just crash into the ground, and a host of other things. I am glad I did, despite some family issues that are taking time to sort itself out.

 

Hugs,

Marcie

 

[tracy_j]

Hi ChickenLittle

Sorry to hear about your various problems, but hopefully things will now begin to look up. Work things out and take it steady. If you have concerns please don't hesitate to raise them. We may or may not be able to answer, but there is a lot of experience here as many have been there.

Tracy x

 

[Jani]

Hello Kendall.  Welcome to Laura's.  I cannot add any more than my friends have written.  I'm glad you're here.  Please join in the conversation.

Jani

[KathrynJulia]

Hi Chicken Little

You hang around here long enough,s lot of things in your life will start to make sense to you.  That happened for me and a lot of folks who hang out around here.  A warm welcome to you.to Laura's

KathrynJulia

 

[Cindy Truheart]

Welcome to Laura's Ken! You are ahead of the game by the fact that you are becoming self aware and you have a therapist. Many don't have those things available when they begin their journey. Things may seem confusing right now, but be patient, it will take time to sort it all out. I suggest trying one or two things and see how you feel about it. I know for me the first time I put on makeup I was ecstatic! Now there isn't a day that goes by when I don't at least put on some foundation and lip stick. Sometimes you may not know what you like or don't like at first, you may have to try it a couple of times before your true feelings come through. I was this way when it comes to skirts. At first I only wore yoga pants, I hated how I looked in the only skirt I had but eventually I realized that it was the style that I didn't like. Now I'm constantly searching for another skirt because I LOVE them!

I apologize if I've offended you by calling you Ken. I thought I would make an example of my advice. I'm very sorry if I've overstepped, but some of my best/most insightful moments have happened when someone surprised me. In any case, we are here to help in any way we can. Love and light darlin'!

[Timber Wolf]

Hi ChickenLittle,

Welcome to Laura's! You're no longer facing it alone.

 

Lots of love and a big welcome Hug,

Timber Wolf?

[Charlize]

Welcome to Laura's Kendall.  I must admit i was tempted to call you Chicken Little as it is such an endearing name.  when i came here i felt much as you describe.  i was confused, scared and somehow ashamed of my feelings and thoughts.  As i shared and read others a path became clear.  We all travel different roads but in knowing that we're not alone there is comfort and as i see others succeed in ways i thought impossible i find hope for myself.  Glad you've joined us.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize