Too scared to come out!!

[Britney]

I had feelings of transgenderism (being a woman) for many years now.  However, I'm just too scared to come out of the closet.  I've made a few suggestions to my wife, such as stating that I enjoy dressing in women's clothing.  However, her response was very negative and I backtracked and told her it was just a strange phase that would pass.  However, the feelings continue.  I'm not really sure what to do.  I have been seeing a therapist, and, my therapist told me that transparency is the best policy, but, once you disclose, you can't take it back.  Maybe this is just a strange mid-life crisis that will pass? 

[tracy_j]

Hi Britney

Welcome

I am glad you are seeing a therapist. That would be the first suggestion.

There is a wealth of experience here and people are friendly. Please ask questions and join in as you feel.

You don't go into great detail of your history, but if you have had such feelings for many years, it is unlikely this will pass. With many the feelings come and go but never go away. They do not help mentally. This is where the therapist is useful, as you have probably found.

There are no easy answers. As your therapist said, once disclosed things are in the open and there is no going back. Much depends on you individual circumstances. With your wife, there are ways of approaching things and it can work,and does with many couples (including me and my partner),  but the relationship may fail as well. It takes a lot of understanding. I suggest you read around the forum and get a good feeling of the issues and possible solutions. Things may well not be as bleak as you feel, but it will take work to progress. Don't be afraid as, you will read here, there is light at the end of the tunnel!

Tracy

[StephanieVikingGirl]

Hi Britney,

Coming out is the hardest thing to do.  Self doubt is common, we hide our natures for so long that the self denial makes us doubt ourselves.  This is unfortunately normal for us trans folk.  I am glad that you are seeing a therapist, they can really help.  

I was so scared that I didn't "come out" until I was 55 years old.  Better late than never!  In my case, I was accepted by my friends and at work as well.  I live in liberal Northern California, so that helps. 

Welcome to the playground, there are plenty of nice supportive folks here.

hugs,

Stephanie

[MarcieMarie12]

Hi Britney, welcome to Laura's

I thought I was done cross dressing once I started dating my ex-wife. It lasted about until about 3 years into our marriage and came back, shattering my denial it was just a phase. Before I would cross dress for about 6 months, get ashamed of myself and then purge all the stuff I had bought. I knew I had to tell her and eventually I worked up the courage to do so. She also (being familiar with LGBT issues) knew it was not a phase.

We did eventually (about 6 months) get separated and divorced after I came out to her. Part of it was due to the fact that we stopped talking. It was a flaw in our marriage that we could not talk to each other about the bad stuff in our lives. We got separated and later divorced as she did not want to stay married (I did not either for other reasons as well). 

When faced with the decision of repressing this again to save the marriage or transitioning, I cam to the conclusion that they were two separate  questions. The first was can I not transition and not be depressed and suicidal (I was at the time)? The answer to that is no. The next was for my wife to decide if she would be happy being married to a woman. The answer to that from her was no, but for me I wanted to see if we could save it. But again, our marriage did have other issues that I am sure made her and I give up on our marriage. 

Hugs,

Marcie

 

 

[Britney]

1 hour ago, tracy_j said:

you have had such feelings for many years, it is unlikely this will pass. With many the feelings come and go but never go

Thanks everyone for the kind responses.  I guess I should change my profile name to chicken since I am such a chicken - no courage awards for me!! LOL. 

[Cindy Truheart]

Hi Britney, welcome to Laura's!

I used to think I was a chicken too. But I'm starting to realize that it takes more courage just to admit the truth to yourself than it does to storm the beaches at Normandy. It isn't easy to be trans, its extremely difficult actually. When I was young I kept thinking it was "just a phase" and that one day I would finally be the way I was "supposed to be". Never happened. From my earliest memories I've always been this way and no matter how hard I was beaten, no matter how many people used guilt and shame on me, no matter how strongly I tried to ignore it, I've never changed. Perhaps you are different, but that is your journey. You aren't a coward for admitting that you feel this way though, you are actually very brave. I suggest taking things one step at a time and see how you feel about it. We are always here for you should you need us, love and light!

[Clara84]

I have been a chicken during the last 30 years until it was no more possible to keep my feelings inside.

If you are really a woman, it will never change. You can continue to hide it but you won't stop to think about it. Coming out is very diffcult. I am now out to wife and kids but absolute not ready to tell other people. It's another challenge.

Our situations are not easy but I have found a lot of helping people here. Feel free to tell your feelings

[SugarMagnolia]

Hi Britney,

Another thing to think about is that you don't hav to come out to everyone at the same time, and you don't have to come out to those your closest to first.

I out out to my wife last July and I just came out to my first friend today (which went incredibly well). In between, I've told therapists, doctors, hairdressers and retail clerks. Those are all very different relationships and some are much easier because nothing is at stake. However, each one has proven to me that my fears are always worse than reality and that with every person I tell, the next one gets easier.

This is your journey and it's hard work, but know that there's no wrong way and that every little step, no matter how small, makes the next steps easier.

Hugs,

Julie

[JadeyCat]

Britney,

I can't tell you what to do, but I can share some of my story abd toy can taje from it what you like.

I tried coming out every few years or so from the time I was about 5 years old on. Every single time I was met with hostility, fear, hatred, and physical violence from my parents, church friends, and school mates.

My wife knew about it before we started dating and was okay with it. I would be me at home behind closed doors. That was until around 2008 when my daughter was about 2 and she made me choose between being me and my family. I chose them. 

Then my twin brother died January 9th, 2015 and I couldn't let it go any longer, life is too short, I had to be me no matter the cost. I have lost people, my wife divorced me, and we now share 50/50 custody of our daughter. However, I found so many true and loving people in the LGBTQ+ community here. My life is richer than ever, a lot is still messed up, but I am me and at my core I'm happy. I have a wonderful and loving boyfriend, a super supportive daughter, and loads of new friends who love me for me.

Coming out was the scariest thing I've ever done, but it was also the best thing I've ever done. I don't regret it for a second.