Gendering Yourself

[DrumbeatAlex]

Hey,

I referred to myself as a "she"  the other day during conversation and am wondering if that likely means anything. Am I over thinking the whole gender thing and actually just see myself as a she, or is it more likely just because of social conditioning (and not being able to be out yet/knowing the person I was talking to saw me as a she). Have you ever unconsciously gendered yourself as your "assigned" (at birth) gender? I'm not sure if it was fully unconscious or not..I noticed right after I said it at least..Maybe it doesn't mean much and I'm just making a big deal. ;P 

there are so many things I could be writing here about me second guessing and questioning myself. I don't describe myself as "a man" but "woman" seems an odd fit too..but maybe just coz I'm other thinking. Gah, I think I may seriously need a gender therapist..though I may not be able to talk to them super openly coz I don't like talking to people in person. :/ 
I think I'm going to send a few emails looking into it once I post this.

It'd be nice if there was a "this is a normal (within a range) thing. this is abnormal" type forum (not on here but just in life). Because you learn to just live with how you feel and I often just assume it's normal when it sometimes isn't.
eg. Do other people who don't like dresses feel bulky, ugly and fake in them or do they just not like being unable to climb ladders? Who knows?!  

Anyway, this was a bit of a random post. Not sure if it belongs in this section or not, but it is just a lot of self-questioning so hey.

I also started a gender related journal yesterday, so yup.  

[MarcieMarie12]

It is a good place to put it. Question, do you think a cis person would describe their relation to their birth sex as odd? 

Also, if you want to write things down for the session with the therapist. They should be ok with it. I mean they know you might be nervous, and sometimes in that nervousness you'd forget something important.

BTW--I've come to a conclusion about the two most useless words in the Universe: Normal and impossible.. Nothing is impossible (just highly unlikely) and there is no such thing as normal.

[Charlize]

  I didn't transition until i was in my 60's.  That is a lot of time to live as one's birth gender and the conditioning at that point was certainly strong.  5 years after living full time as myself, post surgery and with a different dominate hormone, i still think or say he at times.  I think that is normal.

  By the way a young man, who i've known since boy scouts, told me what his grandfather had said when we were discussing my being "abnormal".  "Normality is a subjective measuring stick". ( he had owned a lumber yard)  Here at Laura's i'm far from abnormal.  Almost anyone who isn't me i could look at as being abnormal or visa versa.  The divisions that definition can cause are painful both to us and to others.  Perhaps different is better and less judgmental?

  It took me a good bit of time but today i'm learning to accept and embrace myself as a reflection of both genders.  Maybe two is better than one.  I am sure that it is as good.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

  

 

[JBfox]

 I'm still pre-transition, but I've been tussling with what being transgender is and means for two years now. Even as I've settled to accept that yes, I am transgender, this is my life, and I'm going to go through with this; I find that pronouns are still something I am not one top of. While at my support groups I tell them I'm impartial to them. Use whatever you like.

 I don't necessarily think it's self doubt when you misgender yourself. I think it just has to do with where you're at, and what you've been doing. For myself, the impartialness of it comes from that fact I'm still pre-transition. Though I'm MtF/AMAB right now I'm still in guy mode. People see a guy when they see me. I don't expect people to get it right. Pronouns just don't bother me enough to struggle with them.

[Cyndee]

Secret to more happiness, simply care less about gendered words. 

I've transitioned, and there was a time early on in the process where I put way too much emphasis on gendered words and getting them right and all that, OMG, painful, and for what ?

I do try and gender myself correctly when constructing language to describe myself, and really do prefer female words, but really, I am far better off, just not giving a rip...

Relax, communicate, enjoy life more...

Cyndi -

[Timber Wolf]

I've spent so many years living as my assigned sex, it's become so habitual to refer to myself as he or him, that sometimes I misgender myself for that reson. I suspect it's pretty common.

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf?

[MarcieMarie12]

I misname myself at times too, its one of the habit things. For example, I play X-wing with one of my friends and she is female, but on occasion a it's "his" turn comes out because of just habit--most people I've played with previously are guys. 

[Jani]

At first I used to think of myself in my old gender and name when I first started this journey in earnest and I thought if I can't convince myself how can I convince others?  But it takes time.  As others have said you've lived as your birth self for quite some time.   Its second nature for me now to think of myself in the female gender.  It will come.  Don't beat yourself up over it. 

Jani

[DrumbeatAlex]

Marcie, lol probably not. but then again I really have no idea what other people experience.
mm writing things down is a good idea. I emailed the therapy place and they said they do have gender experienced therapists, which is nice.
and that's interesting and understandable about the X-wing. thanks.  

You're right about the normal (and the impossible)(both Marcie and Charlie). I didn't mean to offend anyone with the use of "normal", it is a very subjective word and can be taken offensively so it wasn't the best word to use, sorry. I meant simply it would be useful to view/understand a number of different people's experiences so that I could know who shares mine, who doesn't and perhaps get a better understanding of who I am (though of course I would share different things with each person and something with everyone). 

Thanks CyndiRae. Good advice.

Thanks Jani, I'll try not to.

Thankyou everyone for the responses! I really appreciate hearing your stories and words of wisdom.  

[MarcieMarie12]

I get the whole normal thing, I feel like the English language makes me do linguistic back flips when I avoid using that word.

[Ravin]

Habit and conditioning can do a lot to muck with your head. Reprogramming our brains to undo years of habit takes time.

The only person in my life who never messes up my pronouns (and I include myself in this count) is my 6 year old son. This is because he never had to switch. I was "he" and "him" by the time he learned to talk.

 

[Clara84]

I am in the beginning of my journey and of course I still misgender myself sometimes. It takes time for other people to switch pronouns and we also need some time for switching for yourself. Just don't care about that, it will come naturally

[ChickenLittle]

I changed my name legally from a very feminine name to a gender-neutral one before I even realized I'm trans, and I struggled with misnaming myself out loud and in my thoughts for a while. But now when I hear my old name it doesn't even register as something to pay attention to. Misnaming/misgendering yourself is totally normal and doesn't have any bearing on your identity! Now I feel as if my name has always been the way it is now, and even in my memories I think of myself as Kendall instead of as my old name. 

[MarcieMarie12]

Well I don't answer to my dead name, though on rare occasion I still call myself that. Now though when people say it, I think they are asking my supervisor something. They usually are.