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Hello - confused & need to talk


Amy P

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Hi.

This is the first time I have signed up to any forums and I think this shows that my gender identity confusion has reached a new level. I am 55, genetically male, straight, have been a lifelong crossdresser and I have struggled with my gender identity all my life. I came from a stable family but with emotionally repressive parents. My father was undemonstrative and my mother overbearing. I didn't feel there was anyone I could talk to, (this is long before the internet and smartphones!) so I just bottled everything up and carried on. I was quite a pretty boy, but that didn't last past puberty, and I am incredibly envious of all feminine men - oh to have thin hands, fingers and a small nose and big eyes.  With two brothers I never had much access to girls toys and games so didn't show any real preference for these but as I got older I always favoured thoughtful female company and developed an intense dislike of macho male culture. Women who I have never met before have assumed I must be gay - but I'm really not your typical gay guy (apologies for any generalisations).  I love looking at pretty women - but as much as I might lust after them I yearn to be them too.

Whilst at university, instead of celebrating escaping the grip of my patents and discovering my true self, I suffered night time panic attacks and low self confidence. I have contemplated suicide (and sometimes still do) but I guess I just don't care enough about anything to go through with it.  I now look back at what a missed opportunity university was. I moved in with a woman (who became my first wife) who inevitably caught me cross dressed when she returned from work unexpectedly - awkward. After much soul searching she accepted who I am and didn't have any problems with me wearing women's clothing around the house (what a luxury that was!).  I went for a consultation at a gender identity clinic as I had heard of GRS but they said that if I was happy with my new relationship dynamic I should probably stick with that. She eventually fell in love with someone else and another opportunity for self discovery passed me by as I quickly met my now second wife. I told her from the start that I was a CD and she said that was OK as long as she didn't have any involvement in it and was still the only woman in our relationship.

Unfortunately as time has gone on I'm not sure she is the only women involved anymore (excluding our six year old daughter) as the yearning to be more feminine has grown in me. I have been subtly removing some body hair (particularly my breasts).  My wife changed her contraceptive pill but still had many months of the old prescription lying around so I appropriated these and decided with much excitement to start taking them. They have all gone now and I have only experienced a little fat redistribution, less strong erections and smaller testicles, and some other interesting physiological changes when stopping and starting. This has only made me want stronger hormones but my problem is that to do so would be the point of no return. I am convinced that my wife would leave me (in all honesty our relationship isn't that great anyway).  All my financial assets are tied up in the house which she would most likely get to keep along with me having to pay child support from my modest salary whilst having to pay to rent - leaving no money for any transition!

I'm seriously considering DIY hormone therapy and I don't care about the risks or infertility - I just want to be more female and I can't contemplate just treading water like I have done my whole life waiting for something to change when it never does. Sorry for the essay I just wanted to get it all out to someone, and if anyone has any words of wisdom for me having read this, I would be most grateful to hear them.

Hugs

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  • Admin

Welcome to The Playground Amy

12 minutes ago, Amy P said:

I came from a stable family but with emotionally repressive parents. My father was undemonstrative and my mother overbearing.

People used to blame our being Gender Dysphoric on this type of family situation, but the evidence today is that we would have had GD even with the most open and accepting parents there are in the world. (I have met families where this is true.)  The important part was that you could not talk to them about your feelings and I hope that if your daughter ever has either gender or sexual orientation feelings that you would be open and accepting to her

PLEASE, Please, please!! do not even attempt the route of DIY medication with Hormones.  Even with full medical supervision and frequent lab work on the levels, I developed a life threatening blood clot after 6 years on them.  Other members here have also had near tragic experiences with DIY HRT and will echo my plea to you.  We are not allowed to discuss hormone dosages here, that is to be discussed ONLY with your medical provider, and possibly pharmacist or apothecary who sell and know the drugs.  Be honest with your doctor about ALL medications, and then trust them.  Get yourself into a Gender Therapy program and get busy facing the future with their help.  I am old enough to have been your babysitter and know that age will not stop your being able to reach out and find your True Self.

Again, welcome and enjoy your time here.

 

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Welcome to Laura's! You are in a tough spot, aren't you?

I strongly recommend seeing a doctor. Your medical stuff is not something you need to share with your wife, but you are potentially putting yourself in danger by self-medicating. A counselor and proper medical therapy could both be helpful to you.

I also suggest talking to a solicitor, so that you have a realistic idea of what you would be facing if/when you and your wife split. You have made some assumptions that aren't necessarily the case, particularly with respect to your home and your daughter. 

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  • Forum Moderator

Hi Amy,

Welcome to Laura's! I'm glad you found us. We are a caring and understanding bunch who support eachother on our journey's. Some of us are on fast paced journey's, while others are on a slower paced journey. But none of us are taking this journey alone, and you no longer need to take yours alone.

 

I'm in a simular financial situation as you, in that when I look at my financial picture I see no route to being able to afford any medical transition. Sometimes I cry thinking about it. I know the desire to change my body to be what it's supposed to be as much as possible, and I know the pain and feelings of hopelessness caused by the limitations I face. But having found Laura's, I've found I'm not alone. I've found I have friends here who understand and care. That has made a huge difference. I no longer feel so alone and hopeless. No, I can't afford HRT or surgeries. So I look for other ways to advance on my journey. And I've learned to take it one day at a time. I just don't know what the future holds. Things may change and I might be able to start HRT one day.

 

I have decided that self medicating and DIY HRT is just not worth the risks. If I die, I'll never be able to be the girl I am. Even with the pain, living my journey and being more myself is so liberating. I don't want to miss that. 

 

One day at a time! Let tomorrow worry about itself.

It sounds like your first gender therapist didn't work out so well for you. Try another. Find one that does work.

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf?

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Thank you all so much for the welcome and wise words. I'm sure I'm going to feel at home here and have already had a look at some of the other forums which can see will be really helpful. I'll probably take up Ravin's advice of talking to a solicitor - just in case things happen quicker than expected. Finding time for therapy that doesn't draw the attention from my boss or wife will be difficult though.

Thanks again

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  • Forum Moderator

Welcome Amy.  You have definitely had some good advice already.  I know that when i transitioned i thought i would loose my wife.  Perhaps if we had been younger that may have happened but i was already 63 so the bedroom wasn't as important as it once was.  We have actually grown much closer.  I say this only because i know it can happen.  It took time and tenderness for us to work through the issues but don't loose all hope.  My therapist was able to help with our relationship as well.

Please don't try to self medicate!  It is very dangerous and mayl not get you decent results either.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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Hi Amy, welcome to Laura's!

Others have already said everything that I would say, so I will say this instead. Coming to terms with who you are is a journey. I like to think of it as our own personal epic tale. Each of us has our own story and each of us has our own obstacles to overcome. Sometimes our story is similar to other's stories, sometimes our story is very different. But all of our stories share some common things and those common experiences unite us as a community. Here you will find support, understanding, and love. <3

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Hi Amy

Welcome :)

Others have explained things well so there is little I can add, except for my experiences. I am not taking hormones or contemplating surgery in the near future. Even so, I spend 95% of time dressed as a woman and except for legal issues and similar (banking etc), I live as such. My partner was intially not happy at all but now is generally accepting, and more like a girlfriend. It takes time and understanding, of your environment and people around you. It will time them time too. Time brings confidence, and that changes a lot. There are others here in varying circumstances. There is not one defined route or destination.

Tracy

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Hello Amy

Men who start out cross dressing generally are not gay men they are anything but. They begin as straight heterosexuals.  You grew up in the 1960's where parents acted  straight laced,  Where they knew absolutely nothing about transgendered people. And often feared we were gay and mentally ill.  

My own parents knew I expressed the wish to be female,but shut me down anyway.  My pediatrician a Harvard trained doctor also knew nothing.  I pleaded with him to fix me.  He told me only an   Act of God could change me.  That was the 1960's.  Back then you only really had two choices if you were transgendered,  Suicide or suppressing your feelings by burying yourself in masculine professions.  I did the Army, then law enforcement.  Then  I could tell myself. only a real men work in these professions.  But God was I miserable playing the game,denying my feminine side.  When I reached age 55 the dysphoria exploded inside of me.  I had to do something.  I started out here on Laura's,like you.  I talked first to a doctor I worked with who specialized in treating  LGBT patients. and she would have been excellent, but my labs would have been handled by people in my department and that would have outed me sooner than I was ready for.

So I reached out to   my GP and he was wonderful.  I also started seeing a gender therapist.  She certified that I was suffering from Gender Dysphoria from being transgender.  My doctor started me on hormones three months later and monitored me.  I then began with the help of my therapist to start transitioning.  I  am 62 years old.  I am a full time woman 24/7  enjoying life.  I did lose my job with the University,but found another 6 weeks later.  I've completed all the surgeries.in 2013 and 2014.

But losing my job also cost me my excellent doctor.  I had to move a 125 miles.  I had a lousy new physician,,my fault who did not pay attention to my hormone levels.  And two strokes later at age 60 Left me disabled.  So hormones are dangerous,  Don't self medicate because even having a doctor prescribing hormones is no guarantee of complete safety or success with them.  Your gender therapist can help with a spouses anger and explain that transitioning  is not a choice.  Feeling suicidal  is common in transgendered people is why we have a suicide rate over 50 %.  So dont put off seeing someone.  Amy,you live in the UK, a country that covers the cost of transitioning and surgeries along with hormones.  So even if you get beat up in a divorce.  Your country helps trans people. 

I met a lady from your country who was transitioning and decided to pay for feminine facial surgery.herself. We both went to Mexico where we met  and had FFS surgery and I got breast augmentation But she got her   Gender Confirmation Surgery at Cherring Cross Hospital and she lives full time now..  I hope my post helps to guide you on the correct path.  .

Hugs
 

 

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Thank you everybody - I will try to be strong but I'm actually so scared of moving forward. 

I think I will try and find ways of being more feminine without pushing things too far (maybe more androgenous clothes or even hair removal - (I hate having to shave - I didn't need to until quite late) anything that thins out facial hair would make me feel better but it appears really expensive and even though I work I'm broke - only wage earner).  I've been practicing walking 'softer' with a little more hip action (feels really nice with some soft panties on) and even tried some DIY voice therapy on my own in the car (seems like a great place to practice - anyone looking on just assumes you are singing along to something)!

Hugs

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  • Forum Moderator

Hi Amy,

There is no rush. Let your pace follow what's comfortable for you. Take this time to get to know yourself better. I started out really scared myself. But believe it or not, you've already taken the scariest step. You've begun accepting yourself and come out to us. In other words, you got the ball rolling. And that's fantastic!

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf?

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Hello Amy

Sure you can beginning transitioning without medical assistance, involving new clothes, hair removal, make-up. But PLEASE don't play with hormones it's dangerous. I don't know the situation in your country but it may exists some health care insurance who can help for the financial questions.

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Hi Amy and welcome!

I'm also new here and just finding my way, so I can relate to some of what you're feeling. Everybody here has offered solid advice-- please stay as safe as possible! I think a gender therapist would be really helpful for you right now. 

I also find myself practicing my voice while driving, it's a great place because I don't feel so self conscious (I'm one of those people who sings loudly with the radio when I'm driving anyway)!

Best of luck with everything and I'm glad you're here. 

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Hi everyone and thanks for your kind words.

I've been looking for suitable therapists but they appear to be completely absent from where I live (a long way southwest).  I have located a trans support group who meet once a month in the evening (I'm sure they would know some therapists to recommend) - but even getting to go there would arouse suspicion from my wife as I don't go out much independently and this would be way out of my normal behaviour (that's the problem of not wanting to get involved in male activities and being seriously introverted). Probably wouldn't be a problem if I was a half decent liar - but I'm just not.  I was thinking of asking at my GP surgery if any of the practitioners had any experience in gender identity issues and talking to them rather than my own GP who I have a feeling wouldn't be that supportive. I don't think I can carry on not doing anything and consequently have tried to order some Estrofem online (I'll be amazed if it turns up) - don't worry because if it does (it would only be at extremely low doses as I don't want dramatic change (too many questions) - just to feel that something is changing - it's the standing still and sense of confinement that hurts) - then I'll probably go to the GP and ask to be supervised. I guess if they take me seriously they'll point me in the direction of a counsellor/therapist who I can arrange to see during the day.

Sorry for the ramble - not been having a good day - Any thoughts on this would be welcome?

Hugs

 

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Hi Amy,

I understand the desire to make changes to better conform to our true selves, but I am concerned about getting any form of hormones on your own. I know you said you hope to get eventual supervision from your gp, but this is something you really should have guidance from a gp and gender therapist before even starting hormones. We often want to progress with changes asap, but it's important to slow ourselves down and get a better picture of who and what we truly are and want to become. Once we begin physically changing ourselves, there are things that happen that can not be reversed. A prime example is sterility resulting from HRT. A gender therapist can help us be more confident about making these changes. After the fact is a bad time to realise we've made a miatake. This may sound like cold water being poured down your back, but I give you this opinion because I care.

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf?

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Amy, if the support groups has an e-mail or phone number try contacting them that way. They can offer suggestions and how to deal with the NHS. Something I am completely unfamiliar with, but maybe somebody else on Laura's that has can speak to it.

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  • Forum Moderator

Hi Amy.  I'm a little late but I do wish you a hearty welcome to Laura's.  There's lots of good commentary by my friends.  I look forward to reading more from you.

Jani

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On ‎20‎/‎04‎/‎2017 at 8:33 PM, ChickenLittle said:

Hi Amy and welcome!

I'm also new here and just finding my way, so I can relate to some of what you're feeling. Everybody here has offered solid advice-- please stay as safe as possible! I think a gender therapist would be really helpful for you right now. 

I also find myself practicing my voice while driving, it's a great place because I don't feel so self conscious (I'm one of those people who sings loudly with the radio when I'm driving anyway)!

Best of luck with everything and I'm glad you're here. 

Hi Chickenlittle

Thx so much..

Do you mind if I ask you how old you are and if you are/have been in a relationship - and if so how did you cope/deal with this??

I'm not sure what the next step is/should be/or how to take it???

Hugs

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6 hours ago, Amy P said:

Hi Chickenlittle

Thx so much..

Do you mind if I ask you how old you are and if you are/have been in a relationship - and if so how did you cope/deal with this??

I'm not sure what the next step is/should be/or how to take it???

Hugs

Hi Amy!

I'm 27 and married-- I've been with my partner for five years. I only recently came to the realization that I'm trans and came out to my partner (during a panic attack/argument, no less) shortly after I realized. At first, I was terrified that he wouldn't believe me or that he wouldn't love me or find me attractive any more, but thankfully that has not been the case in my situation. His eventual reaction was, among some feelings of worry, "I've always wanted a boyfriend but kind of mostly just wanted you to be my boyfriend so this is perfect." 

I think my situation is unique because my partner and I have never really felt particularly attached to traditional gender roles and we're both bi/pansexual so that makes a HUGE difference. Also, I have yet to start hormones and I'm a little worried that the reality of my body changing might make things difficult in some ways for both of us (even though most of the changes are things that I want). He's a healthcare provider and worries a lot about how hormones/transition related stuff will affect my health in the long-term. 

I think everybody's situation is different, which means that our first steps are usually different too. But know that you've got a supportive community here that will listen and offer advice when we can help! It sounds like you've been struggling with depression, which I'm sure many of us (definitely myself, at least) can relate to. I think the best first step you can take would be to find a therapist you can trust to help you sort through your feelings and decide what you want to do and when. The most important thing you can do right now is take care of yourself and try to stay healthy-- emotionally and physically. Grappling with something like this takes a lot out of you and things always feel worse when your body and mind can't keep up with daily life. 

Sending lots of love your way! 

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On ‎29‎/‎04‎/‎2017 at 5:49 AM, ChickenLittle said:

Hi Amy!

I'm 27 and married-- I've been with my partner for five years. I only recently came to the realization that I'm trans and came out to my partner (during a panic attack/argument, no less) shortly after I realized. At first, I was terrified that he wouldn't believe me or that he wouldn't love me or find me attractive any more, but thankfully that has not been the case in my situation. His eventual reaction was, among some feelings of worry, "I've always wanted a boyfriend but kind of mostly just wanted you to be my boyfriend so this is perfect." 

I think my situation is unique because my partner and I have never really felt particularly attached to traditional gender roles and we're both bi/pansexual so that makes a HUGE difference. Also, I have yet to start hormones and I'm a little worried that the reality of my body changing might make things difficult in some ways for both of us (even though most of the changes are things that I want). He's a healthcare provider and worries a lot about how hormones/transition related stuff will affect my health in the long-term. 

I think everybody's situation is different, which means that our first steps are usually different too. But know that you've got a supportive community here that will listen and offer advice when we can help! It sounds like you've been struggling with depression, which I'm sure many of us (definitely myself, at least) can relate to. I think the best first step you can take would be to find a therapist you can trust to help you sort through your feelings and decide what you want to do and when. The most important thing you can do right now is take care of yourself and try to stay healthy-- emotionally and physically. Grappling with something like this takes a lot out of you and things always feel worse when your body and mind can't keep up with daily life. 

Sending lots of love your way! 

Hi ChickenLittle

Thanks for letting me know your story - I'm so pleased that you have chosen your partner so well - it's as if you both knew before you got together (maybe instinctively that was part of the attraction?)  I am looking for a therapist and will keep people here updated.  It's funny thinking about therapy because I guess (even with my confusion) I'm worried that they'll say 'oh your just a mixed up cross dresser - get on with it'  - and if they did I think I'd bust into tears or be really depressed - which I suppose confirms that must want more than to stay where I am....

Hugs x

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You are on a really scary journey here Amy, taking time to figure things out is a good idea. But don't let what you *think* will happen guide you. We tend to envision the worst, and I've found that it really isn't as bad as all that. I came out to my wife about ten months ago and we are still together. It hasn't been easy, but here we are! I came out on Facebook and to the world as a whole about a month ago and got a huge amount of support from my friends and family! There have been those who weren't supportive, but I made the decision long ago to cut anyone out of my life that wasn't supportive. This is how I chose to deal with things. I decided that I was strong enough to lose almost everyone. The ones that I didn't think I could lose I approached privately first and had long conversations with them with plenty of time for them to become adjusted to the idea before I went public. No, it hasn't been all rainbows and double chocolate birthday cake. But it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be! I'm still not full time, I'm waiting to establish a good work history at my new job. I don't see it being a problem with them, I've already acted feminine in front of some and didn't have the slightest hint of a negative reaction.

I think you should continue trying to find a therapist, but most importantly, you need to get to that support group. I know what you mean about being an introvert, that has been me. I don't do anything without my wife at my side. Not only can they put you into contact with resources to help you, they can direct you to resources to help your wife. Continuing to hide this part of yourself will only make things worse, I speak from experience here. And holding it in will only make your relationship with your wife worse because you will be struggling to keep things going and the stress of that will break you down, again, I speak from experience. I can't begin to know you or your wife, but I do know your situation. Looking back, I'm glad I told my wife when I did. But this is your life and your decision. I wish you the best in this and know that we are always here for you!

Love and Light!

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On ‎30‎/‎04‎/‎2017 at 4:32 PM, Cindy Truheart said:

You are on a really scary journey here Amy, taking time to figure things out is a good idea. But don't let what you *think* will happen guide you. We tend to envision the worst, and I've found that it really isn't as bad as all that. I came out to my wife about ten months ago and we are still together. It hasn't been easy, but here we are! I came out on Facebook and to the world as a whole about a month ago and got a huge amount of support from my friends and family! There have been those who weren't supportive, but I made the decision long ago to cut anyone out of my life that wasn't supportive. This is how I chose to deal with things. I decided that I was strong enough to lose almost everyone. The ones that I didn't think I could lose I approached privately first and had long conversations with them with plenty of time for them to become adjusted to the idea before I went public. No, it hasn't been all rainbows and double chocolate birthday cake. But it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be! I'm still not full time, I'm waiting to establish a good work history at my new job. I don't see it being a problem with them, I've already acted feminine in front of some and didn't have the slightest hint of a negative reaction.

I think you should continue trying to find a therapist, but most importantly, you need to get to that support group. I know what you mean about being an introvert, that has been me. I don't do anything without my wife at my side. Not only can they put you into contact with resources to help you, they can direct you to resources to help your wife. Continuing to hide this part of yourself will only make things worse, I speak from experience here. And holding it in will only make your relationship with your wife worse because you will be struggling to keep things going and the stress of that will break you down, again, I speak from experience. I can't begin to know you or your wife, but I do know your situation. Looking back, I'm glad I told my wife when I did. But this is your life and your decision. I wish you the best in this and know that we are always here for you!

Love and Light!

Thanks again ChickenLittle - you are kind to take the trouble to write and explain.  Good luck with coming out at work (I've tried to imagine what that would be like at my place - I would probably have to take a lower paid office based role as I'm customer facing at the moment).  I'm coming to realise that everything is going to take a lot more time and preparation than I ever imagined (I just keep feeling that time isn't on my side).  I'll probably have lots of questions to ask so will be back in touch.

Thanks again x

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Hi

Thanks for everyone's advice - I got the message, and after much Googling have found one local therapist who works with gender identity (also female, yay!) who I have made an appointment with in just over a week's time. It's in the evening so I'm working on my excuses already..

Does anyone have any advice on how to approach a first therapy session - I'm going to be really nervous about this?

Many thanks for your help so far..

Hugs x

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Be honest and open. Therapists are there to help, not to judge. If you have certain issues you want to bring up, mention them, otherwise they're pretty good about directing the session.

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    • Sally Stone
      Post 6 “The Military Career Years” In 1977 I joined the Army and went to flight school to become a helicopter pilot.  To fly for the military had been a childhood dream and when the opportunity arose, I took advantage of it, despite knowing I would have to carefully control my crossdressing activity.  At the time, military aviation was male dominated and a haven for Type A personalities and excessive testosterone.  I had always been competitive but my personality was not typically Type A.  And while I could never be considered effeminate, I wasn’t overtly masculine either.  Consequently, I had little trouble hiding the part of my personality that leaned towards the feminine side.    However, serving in the Army limited my opportunities for feminine self-expression.  During this period, I learned that being unable to express my feminine nature regularly, led to frustration and unhappiness.  I managed these feelings by crossdressing and underdressing whenever I could.  Underdressing has never been very fulfilling for me, but while I was in the Army it was a coping mechanism.  I only cross-dressed in private and occasionally my wife would take me out for a late-night drive.  Those drives were still quite private, but being out of the house was clearly therapeutic.    I told myself I was coping, but when it became apparent the Army was going to be a career, the occasional and closeted feminine expression was clearly inadequate.  I needed more girl time and I wanted to share my feminine side with the rest of the world, so the frustration and unhappiness grew.  Despite my feelings regarding feminine self-expression, I loved flying, so I wasn’t willing to give up my military career.  Consequently, I resigned myself to the fact that the female half of my personality needed to take a back seat, and what helped me through, was dreaming of military retirement, and finally having the ability to let Sally blossom.   About Sally. Ironically, she was born while I was still serving.  It was Halloween and my wife and I were hosting a unit party.  I looked upon the occasion as the perfect excuse to dress like a girl.  After a little trepidation, my wife agreed I should take advantage of the opportunity.  Back then, my transformations were not very good, but with my wife’s help, my Halloween costume looked quite authentic.  Originally, my wife suggested that my presentation should be caricature to prevent anyone from seeing through my costume.  But that didn’t appeal to me at all.  I wanted to look as feminine and ladylike as I could.   To my wife’s and my amazement, my costume was the hit of the party.  In fact, later in the evening, my unit buddies decided they wanted to take me out drinking and before either me or my wife could protest, I was whisked away and taken to one of our favorite watering holes.  Terrified at first, I had an amazing time, we all did.  But on Monday morning, when I came to work, I learned that I had a new nickname; it was Sally, and for the duration of that tour, that’s what I was called.  Well, when it came time for me to choose a feminine name, there weren’t any other choices.  Sally it was, and to this day I adore the name, and thank my pilot buddies for choosing it.   And this brings me to my last assignment before retiring.  I was teaching military science in an Army ROTC program at Mercer University in Macon, Georgia.  I had been a member of TRIESS (a nationwide crossdressing support group).  I wasn’t really an active participant but when we moved to Georgia, I learned there was a local chapter in Atlanta.  I reached out to the membership chair person, and joined.   Because the chapter meetings took place in Atlanta, a trans friendly city, and because Atlanta was so far from Macon and any of my military connections, I felt it would be safe to let my feminine hair down.  The monthly meetings took place in the Westin Hotel and Conference Center in Buckhead, an upscale northern Atlanta suburb, and the hotel itself was 4-star.  The meetings were weekend affairs with lots of great activities that allowed me to express myself in a public setting for the first time.  It was during this time, that Sally began to blossom.   I have the fondest memories of Sigma Epsilon (the name of our chapter in Atlanta).  Because the hotel was also a conference center, there was always some big event, and in many cases, there were several.  One weekend there was a nail technician conference that culminated in a contest on Saturday evening.  When the organizers learned there was a huge group of crossdressers staying at the hotel, they reached out to us looking for manicure volunteers.  I volunteered and got a beautiful set of long red fingernails that I wore for the duration of the weekend.   During another of our meeting weekends, there was a huge military wedding taking place, and imagine what we were all thinking when we learned it was a Marine wedding.  Our entire group was on edge worrying we might have to keep a low profile.  It turned out to be one of the most memorable weekends I would experience there.  First off, the Marines were all perfect gentlemen.  On Friday night and throughout the day on Saturday before the wedding, we rubbed elbows with most of them and their wives in and around the hotel, and at the hotel bar.  In fact, we got along so well the bride invited us to the reception.  Somewhere, there is a picture of me with a handsomely dressed Marine draped on each of my arms, standing in the lobby of the hotel.  Sadly, I never got a copy of it because the woman who took the picture used a film camera (yes, they actually took picture that way in ancient times).    My two-years with Sigma Epsilon was the perfect transition.  I went from being fully closeted to being mostly out.  I enhanced my feminine presentation and significantly reduced my social anxiety.  It also signified the end of one life and the beginning of another.  I had a great career and never regretted serving, but I was ready to shed the restrictions 20-years of Army service had imposed on my feminine self-expression.  My new life, Sally’s life, was about to begin, and with it I would begin to fully spread a new set of wings, this time feminine wings.    Hugs, Sally
    • Sally Stone
      Ashley, for a very long time she clung to the term crossdresser, because for her it was less threatening.  Over the years, though, she has come to recognize and acknowledge that I have a strong feminine side.  And like me, she now has a much better understanding of where my transgender journey is going, so me being bigender, isn't the threat she might have perceived it as, years ago. 
    • Carolyn Marie
      https://apnews.com/article/title-ix-sexual-assault-transgender-sports-d0fc0ab7515de02b8e4403d0481dc1e7   The revised regulations don't touch on trans athletes; which I totally understand, as that's become a third rail issue and this is an election year.  But the other changes seem pretty sensible, and will obviously result in immediate right wing lawsuits.   Carolyn Marie
    • missyjo
      darling you have wonderful taste..I especially love the red dress n sneaker outfit   enjoy   missy
    • Carolyn Marie
      Very well said, @Abigail Genevieve, and very true.  Thank you.   Carolyn Marie
    • Susan R
      Trans Group Zoom Meeting Tomorrow!!   Trans Group Zoom Meeting Times: April 20, 2024 6:00 PM Pacific Time April 20, 2024 8:00 PM Central Time April 21, 2024 11:00 AM Australia/Melbourne   Message me for the meeting link if you’d like to attend.   *Hugs* Susan R🌷
    • Susan R
      They may win a few battles but not the war! as @Davie pointed out there is little truth if it full of lies, inconsistencies, and ignores evidence to the contrary. I saw this article earlier and have to agree here. Truth will win. This isn’t the first time this tactic has been tried. Always stick with the truth!
    • Susan R
      Welcome @violet r! Glad you joined our forum and got through the hardest part…that first post. As many have mentioned, we are more than accepting here as we affirm your gender identity and hold no judgement, whatsoever. There’s so much here on this forum, I think you’ll find very helpful. If you have trouble finding an answer just reach out, try the search but starting a new thread is usually best to get some quick answers. Many are here for various transgender related issues but many, if not all, are here to help one another if we can. It’s great to have you onboard.   Warmest Regards, Susan R🌷
    • Willow
      good evening   good day at work today.  I did do some things a little out of normal but everything was completed successfully.  As I said earlier, the Asst Mgr was my second today.  I don’t think she was too happy about that.  Several customers asked her where Richard was her answer was the manager cut his hours.  Well that is only part of the story,  his hours were cut just like mine were and several others but in his case he made demands about his hours that couldn’t be met.  But instead of making some non complaining remark about it she made sure to lay it all on the manager, thus throwing the manager under the bus.  Similarly when asked why she hadn’t been at work early mornings, she said she was being punished by the manager.  Well that’s partly true, she wouldn’t do what the manager told her to do so she took her off opening.  But secondarily she didn’t have a car to drive temporarily.  You can’t open the store without a car because who ever opens has tasks that require them to leave the store, so it was  at least partly her own fault.  But she chose to throw the manager under the bus for that.  I think she is asking to be fired for insubordination.  And if the manager gets these conversations off the security tape tomorrow she just might get her wish.   im pretty close to being ready to take the asst position but there isn’t anyone ready to take over my job, at least not at our store.  I suppose the other shift lead could if she is able to work earlier shifts and if the other closers were just a bit more reliable.   Ive been wanting some homefried chicken.  We found a BBQ place not far away that had such a chicken but I is made fresh when ordered so it has a 30 minute wait.  It was worth the wait and the other things we tried were also good.  Another restaurant on the list.  At least half of what we ordered came home for another meal.   i get to sleep in tomorrow, I go to work at 1:30!   Willow
    • Abigail Genevieve
      It was nine thirty.  Saturday morning had rolled around more quickly than Taylor could believe.  She groaned, whined, thought of a million excuses why she should just stay in bed and knock the alarm across the room.  But it would still be going on, and so would the promise to Bob: when the gi came in, she would be in. There it was in its nice package, out where she could not miss it.  Why didn't she hide it?  She shook her head.   Up she got.  Sometimes you just do.  Her hair was a wreck. She patted it down and went to the bathroom.  Nine forty five. Shower later. No make up. She hated kara-tay especially at an ungodly early hour on a Saturday morning. Bagel. Instant coffee.  She was five minutes away when she realized she had forgotten the gi.  Back she went.   Into the dojo.  She had about five minutes to get the gi on.  She attempted to slip in unnoticed and go to the little restroom. Someone barked something out in Japanese or something, and there was a dead silence.  She turned to see what was going on. Both classes were getting into their lines, but everyone, including Bob, was bowing slightly. To her. Bob nodded, and she returned the bow.  Life started again. She was touched.   Bowing three times. Oath. Kata.  She was facing off with Judy as her partner.  Judy looked worried.   "Sometimes you just gotta pick yourself up and try again," Taylor told her. She nodded. "Let's do this."   Lunge punch and lower block.  They traded off like nothing had happened the last weekend.  Lunge punch and middle block. Lunge punch and upper block.  It was kind of like dancing. Taylor enjoyed it.  She wanted to learn more.  Brown-belt Maggie adjusted position of limbs and hips for both Taylor and Judy, telling them when she was about to do something: elbow up a bit".    "How'd you do?" Bob asked her later.  They had both gone home and showered. Now they were in a booth at a fast food place.   "I was kind of disappointed class ended. I was ready for more."   "That's my trooper."   "I'm not allowing you in my apartment until we are married," she said suddenly.   "You think I am a problem?"   "No.  I think you are safe. You passed the test  I am the problem here."   "Okay."   "What did the doctor tell you?"   "It's complicated.  More tests coming.  Like getting into college.  I got a letter back.  It seems there is this big fat M on my transcript and my current picture is not an M type picture.  I have to write a letter and send them notarized proofs and stuff. Just delays. This is a pain. Nothing cut and dried."   "I will say.  I'm glad I'm not transgender."   "Hah. You are pulled into my world.  You are involved in this stuff as much as I am, and, as you put it, of your own free will."   "You are worth it."   "I hope so."   "I know so."      
    • Abigail Genevieve
      On the way back to her desk she was interrupted by six short, urgent conversations that had to be attended to. Then she slipped into the women's room and locked the stall door.  She took a deep breath, then another, and allowed herself to shake for five minutes,  Then deep breathing, ten in and ten out, stretch up, touch the floor, neck rolls and she was fine. She used the toilet and a woman knocked and said, "Taylor, are you okay?"   "Ready to conquer the world!"  on her way out she found her makeup was fine.  Three stalls, two sinks.  If she ever designed a women's room with three stalls, there would be four sinks, with plenty of space to plunk your stuff down between them.   She met a deferential Karen.  "Here is the branding I came up with," she said.  And she went back to working as hard as Brenda and Mary, who looked up worriedly and then went back to the proposal.   Shortly before 5:00 she received an email with the title Consolidation and Compensation.  In it she learned that the position of office manager was eliminated, and the current office manager was to become the chief executive officer. The former CEO, along with the CFO, the chief legal officer, and sundry staff, had been terminated, per the Board of Directors.  Effective immediately everyone would receive a base salary of $20,000 with a commission to be set by the individual's supervisor.  Each supervisor would be given a certain percentage to distribute.  Most functions they had been handled would be outsourced as needed.   "The question of what profit was made last year is frequent enough to be answered.  The company lost over 500,000 in fiscal 2023.  At this point further cuts are not anticipated.  We will be strategically adding positions that will enhance our profits. Hard work is expected of everyone."   Her two web guys had been complaining because their games had been remotely uninstalled.  After the memo came out they were absolutely silent.  That gave her an idea, and after an exchange of emails they were reassigned to maintenance out at the plant, effective tomorrow morning.  There were lots of weeds that needed pulling, if nothing else. That email went out after they left early, for the day.  The maintenance foreman was a no-nonsense type who did not tolerate slacking, and they would learn a thing or two.  This also freed up two spaces for her to put new people.
    • MaeBe
      So…I didn’t know your Facebook avatar was public. So, on my birthday, a couple people used a group avatar message to wish me a happy birthday…and now my Facebook friends can see a short video of my female avatar dancing with an old friend’s and another with my uncle’s avatars. So am I “Facebook out” now? 😬
    • Davie
      No, they are not. Truth wins in the end and this report is full of lies that poison the whole thing: see this: "Dr. Cass Backpedals From Review: HRT, Blockers Should Be Made Available it's said. Dr. Cass's latest statements are likely to cast more doubt on the validity of the study, which has come under fire for disregarding substantial evidence on trans care." https://www.erininthemorning.com/p/dr-cass-backpedals-from-review-hrt?publication_id=994764&post_id=143743897&isFreemail=true&r=rebf4&triedRedirect=true I hope Dr. Cass wins The Mengele Award for it.
    • Adrianna Danielle
      Boyfriend and I went to a support group for spouses dating or married to a transgender person on Tuesday night for the first time.It was amazing meeting other couples like us.One was a genetic woman whom has been dating a transgender male for the first time and she is supporting his transition.Us,they were amazed by us agreeing on something we said,love and acceptance have brought us together
    • Abigail Genevieve
      By which I mean there is a cultural stereotype of what a man is, and one of what a woman is.  Even worse, of what a transgender person is.   You be you.   I read of a boy who thought he was a girl because he did not adhere to some (rather toxic) conceptions of what it means to be a man, so he decided he was a girl.  He was told he didn't have to conform to stereotype and got happy. "You mean I don't have to transition?" He didn't want to, and was relieved.   Once upon a time if you were transgender they told you either you transition or die.   Incorporate the best of what it means to be a man and the best of what it means to be a woman as much as you possibly can, and let the rest go.  Be fully human. Be alive. Don't conform to some cultural crud.
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