Confused

[Guest Sandra]

So I've been agonizing over transitioning for a while, especially these last few months. Basically I want to transition (mtf) but I cannot come out to family and friends at all and I need them in my life. I've gone through a lot of huge struggles and I thought I could do everything on my own. But then I realized that I'm not as self-sufficient as I thought I was and I need them as my support network, even if it's for something as simple as a phone conversation.

It would be too weird to come out as a trans-girl to them because they think they know the 'real' me (a guy) and would assume it's some bizarre phase or I'm losing my mind or something. It just wouldn't work and I know my friends would find it strange and laughable-no way I'd come out to them as TS. I'd have to cut everyone off and that's nearly impossible as mentioned.

I know for some transgendered people the need to transition is as great as the need to breathe-for them it's not even an option. So they make that change and then hope for the best after-in a sense I admire that because they're doing what they need to do to become whole. In my case I can mostly keep the feelings under control but some days are difficult because I really want to transition.

At the same time I am bisexual and love females, so if I was to transition then I would lose out on having relationships with girls. Some might say that you could be a lesbian, but let's be honest, once you're a trans-girl, then the vast majority of (cis) girls do not want you, because they're straight and want to date men and would find dating tgirls even weirder than dating a genetic female.

Only a tiny percent might be accepting of dating a tgirl-which is like trying to find a needle in a haystack and it's hard enough just being a normal guy trying to find a cute girl to date. If I transitioned, it's something I'd have to forget or go on some lame dating sites and hope to get lucky and usually such girls are into weird fetishes-not my thing.

I wish it was possible to switch genders on the fly so you could be male when needed or female, that'd be the best solution...but in the real world, we are forced to be one or the other. I don't buy into that new fad where people call themselves gender fluid and so forth and I don't think most of society buys it either, it makes more sense to be just one or the other gender...otherwise you'd just be a social outcast.

I honestly don't know what to do, I don't want to just live as a boy and forget about my other side. I really want to transition, but the reasons mentioned are stopping me. Also I know transitioning is hard enough on it's own. Every time I see beautiful women I get envious (aside from being attracted to them) and wish I could be like them also.

While I have a desire to become a tgirl and marry a man, be a wife, I also like the idea of being married to a girl...the former is more of a fantasy, the latter is something I prefer slightly more. That's the trouble when you're bisexual, both sides of the fence look appealing.

But that's not that big of a deal-the harder question is whether I stay as I am, occasionally x-dressing, wishing I could transition or to make the leap and live with the consequences. Often times you have more to lose than to gain by transitioning. Plenty of sob-stories where people lose their friends/family, live alone, can't make new friends and so forth.

It's not like driving, where you come to a fork in the road and either path doesn't bother you. The strong feelings don't just go away if I decide not to transition-they'll keep eating at me until I decide to go ahead with becoming a tgirl. I wish there was an easy answer.

 

 

 

 

[VickySGV]

1 hour ago, Sandra said:

Often times you have more to lose than to gain by transitioning. Plenty of sob-stories where people lose their friends/family, live alone, can't make new friends and so forth.

Most of that is going to depend on how the person reacts to it from inside, not how it happens outside.  I have more friends that I really know, but I have to go OUT and meet them to do anything there.  I have some friends who need more time to grow, and some of them are not friends, they are relatives. In time they stand a better chance if I am there for them, not the other way around, and I am the Trans* woman!!  Go figure. 

[Guest Sandra]

@VickySGV

Well it's good that your friends/relatives have come to accept your transition (and that you're being patience with the other ones who need time to mature).

It just couldn't work for me, I don't actually want my friends/family to know this side of me. So I'd have to cut them off completely and transition to make myself happy or stay as I am and be frustrated that I can't become a tgirl.

If I do transition then I'd have to make a new set of friends who are accepting of trans-people or never tell them I was born male. I've dealt with some tough problems in my life but this is one of the most difficult.

[tracy_j]

My take on things for me, at least at the moment, is not to transition fully. I was pretty much in the same mind as you a few years back Sandra. I also knew it was time that I needed to change. I was worse in that I was mentally very down. I had much to gain by acting and far less concerned about what others thought. I just gradually changed. There were some minor concerns from people and some still are not impressed, but largely I am, although not fully transitioned, living how I feel. I do go out round town in a dress or skirt and be accepted as a woman. My family are used to my feminine wear, although I don't push things with my mother, being elderly and forgetful. It is possible to live like that, but I can see it would depend a lot on your social circle and family. I have found newer friends are more readily accepting than thse I have had for years.

I do fear that if you do nothing things will always be a worry to you. My view is to progress steadily toward change and not take transition as an 'on/off' switch that cannot be reversed if activated. There are points of no return but I feel it is possible to stop short of these. Above all you need to be relaxed in yourself. Do not fear the future. It may be better than you think.

Tracy

 

[Sabine]

Dear Sandra, first, take some time. Life is always moving forward and we cannot decide the future in the present. You make a fundamental (yet very common!) error in your fears. You lament the idea that if you come out as TS to your family and friends that they will say you have some other "mental thing" going on, etc. We understand that this is not acceptable... How can anyone know what is in your head and judge it better than you? They don't even have the right, technically. However, you accidentally do the same thing by assuming they will not accept you, that it "could not work for you." This is judging all your friends and family from the inside, and is fundamentally wrong.

Take it slowly. Sort yourself out first. You seem to be going from 0 to 100 to zero again, which indicates uncertainty. (Not that uncertainty isn't "normal!") You may find that over time your internal truth will require more attention, and that living your life for others doesn't work as well, or at all. If you can think of ways to SLOWLY gently bring people around to thinking that you are more than you seem, it will pre-prepare them in a way.

Good Luck,

Sabine.

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Sandra,

When I first acknowledged that I was trans, I was sure my family wouldn't accept it. I thought just like you, that they would think it was a phase or that I needed psychiatric help of some kind. I didn't think I could ever come out to them. But I finally got to the point I could no longer live a lie with them. When I came out to my younger sister via email, I was terrified. Then came the reply. She was not only accepting of me, but very supportive. No, there are no guarantees how they will react. But that goes both ways. Sometimes the people you are most sure will reject you turn out to be the most supportive. You don't have to come out to them before you're ready to. But when you are ready, try not to pre judge them. You might just get a very nice surprise.

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf?

[Cbxshawn]

Hi Sandra, 

I understand your worries about your family and friends. I too had the same worries but now I have come out to almost all of my family and friends. I also have come out at work to about 120 people I work with on a daily basis. It has been a long process because it's been one on one talks. The way I start is I ask the person what their opinion is about transgender people. After I feel comfortable with their answer I let them know I'm transgender. This has worked very well for me. Everyone is very supportive of me. I know this doesn't happen to everyone, but try and get feedback on their opinion. It doesn't mean you have to tell them that your transgender unless you feel comfortable with their answers. 

I hope this helps. 

Good luck and hugs to you 

Shawnna 

[TexasLibraryLady]

We've all been where you are. Right now you have a lot of fears and worst case scenarios running through your head. None of us can tell you the right decision, that's up to you. What I can tell you is that the worst case scenario rarely happens. People can surprise you in good ways. Your feelings may lessen if you decide not to transition, but they don't usually go away, and will likely return at some point.

a lot of us buy into the notion that romantic relationships are impossible because we're transgender. Sure they are harder, but a lot of the people on here are in relationships, some with men, some women. From my experience you're just as likely to find women who are not interested in being with a bi man (unfair prejudice)

[Guest Sandra]

I don't have time to respond individually atm, so I would like to thank everyone for their thoughtful comments/advice. I see that you decided to proceed with your transition (in most cases) and then worked on getting others to accept it.

I don't feel I could fully be myself without becoming a girl-the real person I feel myself to be inside. I liked Trace_j's suggestion of not fully transitioning but then I do want to take hormones to complete the transformation. I have dressed a little femme in the past, people didn't really pick up on it and I kind of enjoyed it.

I thought I could try to live a double-life, at least for a while-wear baggy clothes, to hide the new body from friends/family but that could only go so far with breasts, eventually they become noticeably and the females in my family are 'well-endowed' so I expect mine will be ample also, to an extent when developed. Perhaps I could come out then....another option is to 'go away' not see them for a few years, fully transition and then re-introduce myself to them as a transgirl.

This is something I intensely feel I need to do and I guess I might take the leap that most of you have and deal with the consequences after. Thanks again to everyone, cheers.

[MarcieMarie12]

Sandra, and the other thing is that as time passes the first reaction may not be the final reaction from friends, family and relatives. For me, it was a big jump, that turned out pretty much ok in the long run. But things have changed. I am much happier for what I did even with the downsides of getting the divorce and my family relationships needing to be rebuilt.

[Guest Sandra]

I hear you Marcie, it will shake up my relationships but ultimately we have to live our own life for ourselves, not to make others happy-while we remain miserable. I think once I'm a bit more established financially then it'll be easier to pull off.

I would hate to lose my good friends and some family members, we shared a lot of great times together-but people move on in life. I'm thinking the going 'stealth' might work out best for me. Perhaps down the road I could see them again as a woman or not, time will tell.