Wow...I was way off...

[Dakota16]

About a month ago, I came out to my parents and they ended up seeing me as Dakota for the first time a few days later. At the time, everything appeared fine other than the understandable shock of their son saying he's transitioning into a woman. They were still talking to me, and aside from some awkwardness I thought it'd be okay and don't worry about it too much since they just need to wrap their heads around it.

I was way off.

My wife and I have visited them a couple of times either in person or on the phone since then. The awkwardness continued but I've noticed something else. In person, neither of them look at me. I'll say something to them and they'll respond back, but they're looking at something else. There might be a very quick glance but that's it. I get that it could still be difficult but do they really have to act like I'm invisible? Last week, I called to ask if they could help us get our kids to their after school activities. Although I got a yes, I also got "you have no trouble calling us for help with the kids, but you don't call and tell us about your struggles for the past year? The part that hurts the most is that you had to tell us at a restaurant."

Last night was my daughters' orchestra concert and my parents came to town for it. It didn't go any better. I saved seats next to what would've ended up being me. They sat behind us. After the show, while my wife went up to get pictures of our kids, my parents said I needed to let my sister, aunts/uncles, and grandma know before other relatives in town see me and tell them for me (which I think is valid). They also wondered out loud how confused the girls must be with me changing (they've been fine with it from day 1, but our 3-year-old is probably not old enough to understand yet). I just stayed quiet since we were still in the school auditorium and probably not in the best spot for that conversation.

On the way home, I thought about everything. I clearly ended up hurting them although I didn't intend to. I don't know if the sudden cold shoulder is either still just shock or a passive way of saying they're rejecting me. Maybe the best thing to do is email everyone in one shot and get it over with. That seems a little impersonal and could make things worse, but based on my parents' reaction I don't see how telling everyone else in person would make it any better.

I'm at a loss of what to do now. 

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Dakota,

I'm saddened to hear you're parrents are struggling with this. Sometimes one's just got to let these things play out. It is often hard for parrents. We are not the only ones who transition. Our family relationships also transition. Sometimes it just takes time for them to work through all thier emotions. Hopefully they will sooner than later find acceptance and things will get better.

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf?

[MarcieMarie12]

It may take time for them to come around. Once they see how happy you and your family are and that their fears about your future and your kids futures do not materialize they might come around. They are not flat out rejecting to you and that at the very least is a better start than being ostracized or shamed by them. My parents I think are like yours, in that they were surprised and hurt that I hid this from them.

My dad understands why (and more importantly tried to understand), my mom still pretty much tries to ignore the situation. I recently told my dad I was in Philadelphia for my surgery consult and told him the date. He was a little taken a back, but not angry. I told my brother last night, his comment was to make sure I have enough leave. I have not told my mom (I probably never will until afterwards if it comes up).