Thinking About Kids

[Guest Ryles_D]

I haven't been on in awhile, getting back on more. School blocked this as "adult/sexually explicit" (>_<!!!) and I couldn't get on for a few months so I ended up on other sites that I could. Sorry.

Since you might not know- I'm female bodied and identify as neutrois (neither male nor female). I want to transition to that to have a more neutral body- basically get a mastectomy and maybe hysterectomy and figure out what to do about hormones. I realize Ic an't pass as neutral, maybe try to get a 50/50 split of "he" and "she" and try to get those close to me to understand it. My partner is male-bodied genderqueer, so they're really accepting of this and I'm trying to help them while they figure out waht they want.

One of the things I've started thinking about when trying to figure out transitioning is whether or not I want to have a kid. I definitely want to adopt, and wouldn't want to actually give birth to more than one when there are kids that need a loving home out there, but if I want to have a kid then I have to decide before I start all this.

Has anyone else thought about this? How can I decide if it's worth it to put off something that I need so badly to have a kid or not? And to people who have kids and are transitioning- how do kids take it?

[Guest angie]

Actually,

Kids are very adaptable.My own grandson's had no problem adopting the female pronouns.

Now their parents,that is another story.If you want a child that is your flesh and blood,then

by all means I would go ahead and have one.Then carry on with your journey.She/he will

love you for who you are,be it mommy or daddy.(wink)

Angie

[Guest Elizabeth K]

I hear some therapist recommend 'banking' eggs aor sperm, prior tohaving proceedures taht woul alter your ability to have children. It sounds expensive but it would certainly insure that if there are later regrets, there might still be options.

Just an idea

Lizzy

[Sally]

I would say that you have to ask yourself, how badly do you want to give birth?

You are the only one who can answer and if you must - delay your transition, one can be put off and the other is irreversable.

Have the baby and breast feed before undergoing any surgeries or hormone treatments.

It is so simple when viewed from the sidelines - do ththings in order and you can have it all.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Ryles_D]

Actually,

Kids are very adaptable.My own grandson's had no problem adopting the female pronouns.

Now their parents,that is another story.If you want a child that is your flesh and blood,then

by all means I would go ahead and have one.Then carry on with your journey.She/he will

love you for who you are,be it mommy or daddy.(wink)

That's good, thanks. Depending on the exact time line, I might be able to set it up so I can get at least top surgery not long after they're weaned, but it might not be for awhile- and I'd rather know if that'd be bad for a kid or not. I'm not looking forward to dealing with the school system, but I can if I've got to. If I thought a kid couldn't handle it, that'd be even worse. ^^;

I hear some therapist recommend 'banking' eggs aor sperm, prior tohaving proceedures taht woul alter your ability to have children. It sounds expensive but it would certainly insure that if there are later regrets, there might still be options.

Just an idea

Lizzy

I might. But it seems like a surrogate might not go well unless it's someone you know well enough to be sure they wouldn't try to keep it for themselves or something, and even then you can' tbe sure, so I'm worried about that going wrong. At least when you have it yourself you know the "mother" won't change their mind and go to court to keep them. I'm not sure how often that happens, but I've heard it does and, well, htat'd suck.

I would say that you have to ask yourself, how badly do you want to give birth?

I'm trying to decide that. I think right now the giving birth I'm sure of, but it's the breast feeding that concerns me. I don't know if I could survive without top surgery long enough (and that they'd get bigger wouldn't help one bit) but I also know that if I did, I'd regret not being able to breast feed my kid like that. I just have to try and figure out which is more important to me- being more comfortable with my body, or that.

It is so simple when viewed from the sidelines - do ththings in order and you can have it alll

It generally is easier from the sidelines, which is why I wanted an outside opinion. Thanks.

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Dear RDeis,

Kids are just wonderful and will simply accept you as the care giver and the one that they trust. What is so beautiful about children is that they are so loving that they bypass the gender sterotypes that are learned later in life. The children is not your worry, it would be the adoption agency. Depending upon their prejudices, that is where your issues would really exist. Adoption or not, transition at your own schedule and initiative depending upon your immediate life situation and future expectations.

Kids? Kids are cool!

LOL

bernii

[Guest SaraNetherlands]

Dear Ryles,

Like Eli said, banking is an option. Because of my lesbian sexuality I do consider having in my case semen banked, as I'd like to have the option to have a biological child if my other half agrees. In your case they'd bank an egg I assume (multiple probably). Better be safe than regret.

As for your own children accepting you, that usually comes by itself. You are after all their parent.

[Guest Aurea]

I didn't bank anything, mainly because I don't want kids.

I'm pretty sure I don't want them. Might sound a bit egotistical but I got so much on my hands that I just can't have kids next to it, also it's also that I would be able to raise them properly, they will not have a good future with me. No, that's not a dark thought, it's accepting reality. If I wanted kids I would have had them already, and I would only want kids if I could give them a decent life/standard which I won't see happening. So it's a conscious decision, this way I don't raise kids that grow up missing their parents all the time.

[Guest Zabrak]

I don't want kids, never have wanted them and never will. Too much money, too much time and losing my life over them is way too much to ask from me. Why people want biological kids still confuse me, kids are kids. Maybe this stems from having unloving parents but thats besides the point. A boyfriend is as far as I go when it comes to anyone really close to me.

[Guest DisDwarf]

Im a bio-male, I try to function as a male and if I find out that I really cannot then I might transition as a last resort to live a normal life. I think I want kids, in the natural way, so I want to find a lifelong soulmate first before I embark on any changes (and who must be OK with the possibility of transition).

[Guest CharlieRose]

As far as delaying top surgery so you can breast feed, well, most children who need homes are actually older children. Babies, especially white, female babies, tend to be snatched up pretty much instantaneously. Fertility problems have been increasing lately, as well as the number of mothers choosing to abort unexpected pregnancies or raise them as a single mother, so the demand for newborns is way way up among well-off infertile couples who tend to be white and want babies the same race. Whereas older children in foster care are still in huge need and there's much fewer people willing to adopt them. Not to guilt trip or pressure you into anything you don't want, but it's something to consider if you really want top surgery ASAP but feel like you'll be selfish if you get it.

[Guest ChalenAustin]

I heard Evan_J say that eggs are effected after exposure to high amounts of T.

Where did he get this cuz I can't find anything about it?

Just something else to consider I guess.

As far as adopting- I am intern. adopted by the way- international adoption agencies are more likely to be pro trans parents then a lot of American ones. And if you want an infant that would be the easier route to go for a baby-baby.

[Guest Nicodeme]

I'm trying to decide that. I think right now the giving birth I'm sure of, but it's the breast feeding that concerns me. I don't know if I could survive without top surgery long enough (and that they'd get bigger wouldn't help one bit) but I also know that if I did, I'd regret not being able to breast feed my kid like that. I just have to try and figure out which is more important to me- being more comfortable with my body, or that.

I feel the same way. There's no doubt in my mind that I want the full experience of becoming a parent...even if I'm using my uterus (though I like to call it my "duderus" ) to do it. But I cannot handle the idea of breastfeeding. I need to be rid of what I have there and ever since...well, I was sexually assaulted, and there was a lot of focus on that area, and I can't stand the thought of another human mouth ever getting near that, even for the best intentions.

Luckily my girlfriend might be transitioning by then, so if she's been on HRT for at least 6 months, after I give birth she can stop for a while (a sudden change in sex hormones causes a surge of prolactin) and should be able to breastfeed. I did my research and brought that up with her, and while at first she seemed a little embarrassed, when I explained it'd be healthy for our kids and a good way to form a bond with them, she was a lot more interested.

I know that might not totally apply to you, but if your SO would be interested in taking some mild form of estrogen or something along those lines (hormonal birth control is what some people use) and/or do a whooooooole lot of pumping, then despite being a bio-male, xe might be able to breastfeed. That's worth mentioning to xem if you haven't already, since there are health benefits to it even if it's not from the biological mother. There's no reason you should have to feel guilty about it.

Wow...long post is long...I'm just going to end up making it longer by mentioning that when Ryan and I are older and will likely have become virtually sterile from hormone therapy, and our kids are a little older, we're likely going to look into adopting or fostering more.

[Guest Donna Jean]

Nicodeme....

Honey...I really like your attitude on all of this...it's really refreshing for a change....

I mean, if the point is to end up with biological children..why not use whatever means that you have and just leave the gender out of it?

Huggs

Donna Jean

[Guest Nicodeme]

Nicodeme....

Honey...I really like your attitude on all of this...it's really refreshing for a change....

I mean, if the point is to end up with biological children..why not use whatever means that you have and just leave the gender out of it?

Huggs

Donna Jean

Thanks! I see parenthood as a human desire. (Sorry if I sound too much like Beatie in saying that; I don't know any better way to put it. :X) The only things your gender has any bearing on is what physical role you're comfortable filling (not all transmen want to bear children, and not all transwomen want to beget them; additionally not every androgyne or neutrois wants to partake in any of that...in fact the exact opposite seems to tend to be the norm) and what your kids call you.

And even then, I know of some transwomen who refer to themselves as "female fathers." (Though I think that term's a little more accurate for transmen. At least in my case. I'm female, physically. But my kids will be calling me dad.)

Why people want biological kids still confuse me, kids are kids.

I doubt I can speak for all biological parents, but I look at it this way: I want kids that look like Ryan (my girlfriend) or that at least have some of her genetics. She wants kids that might look like me, and that have my genes as well. For us, the obvious solution is to have kids that are genetically related to us both. I like and interact well with virtually all children, but I know being able to look at my child and see something like Ryan's curly hair or big green eyes...I dunno. I have a hard time explaining it.

Additionally, there are some people who not only want children but want the experience of bringing them into the world, as well. That in itself, I don't think is a valid reason. And it isn't my reason. (My reason is the one above. Being able to give birth to them is just a bonus.)

[Guest lvmyftm]

Carrying and giving birth to a child is a VERY bodily experience. Once you become pregnant your body is no longer your own. I am not trans and I had a hard time dealing with this while I was pregnant with my daughter. While pregnant you end up having alot of pelvic exams. You get poked and prodded and examained every which way and by the end I really didnt have much of my dignity left. I understand wanting biological kids, just giving you a warning of what the process entails so you are prepared if you go that route.

As for breastfeeding, not every mom does. Nothing wrong with formula feeding. I had a breast reduction several years before getting pregnant and wasnt able to make enough milk for my daughter so I had to use formula along with breastfeeding. Sadly the boobs grew back with the pregnancy, so I wouldnt suggest having top surgery until after having a baby so you wouldnt have to have the surgery twice.

If you do decide to have a baby yourself please please please make sure that you have a good therapist around to help you through the process. I would imagine that being pregnant would make the dysphoria much worse at times.

[Guest viv]

Carrying and giving birth to a child is a VERY bodily experience. Once you become pregnant your body is no longer your own. I am not trans and I had a hard time dealing with this while I was pregnant with my daughter. While pregnant you end up having alot of pelvic exams. You get poked and prodded and examained every which way and by the end I really didnt have much of my dignity left. I understand wanting biological kids, just giving you a warning of what the process entails so you are prepared if you go that route.

As for breastfeeding, not every mom does. Nothing wrong with formula feeding. I had a breast reduction several years before getting pregnant and wasnt able to make enough milk for my daughter so I had to use formula along with breastfeeding. Sadly the boobs grew back with the pregnancy, so I wouldnt suggest having top surgery until after having a baby so you wouldnt have to have the surgery twice.

If you do decide to have a baby yourself please please please make sure that you have a good therapist around to help you through the process. I would imagine that being pregnant would make the dysphoria much worse at times.

Priceless info and advice Hun ,,,thanks . luv,viv

[gennee]

Hi Ryles. I adopted my son 23 years ago. Kids really want someplace where they are wanted. It's wonderful that you want to adopt. I wish you success.

Gennee

[Guest Ryles_D]

Luckily my girlfriend might be transitioning by then, so if she's been on HRT for at least 6 months, after I give birth she can stop for a while (a sudden change in sex hormones causes a surge of prolactin) and should be able to breastfeed. I did my research and brought that up with her, and while at first she seemed a little embarrassed, when I explained it'd be healthy for our kids and a good way to form a bond with them, she was a lot more interested.

Men can generally breastfeed naturally- so it's pretty likely we'll just have my partner do that. I've found a lot of instances of guys lactating just from simulating suckling or their child suckling. One instnace is where a dad in a country where they don't really have baby formula- his wife died, and his baby was crying in hunger, out of desperation he put the kid to his breast and the kid started suckling and actually getting milk. So the hormones help- but they aren't necessary.

Hi Ryles. I adopted my son 23 years ago. Kids really want someplace where they are wanted. It's wonderful that you want to adopt. I wish you success.

Gennee

Thanks. Adopting still makes me kind of nervous- I can't help but wonder if this government would willingly let someone like me have a kid.

[Guest Nicodeme]

As for breastfeeding, not every mom does. Nothing wrong with formula feeding. I had a breast reduction several years before getting pregnant and wasnt able to make enough milk for my daughter so I had to use formula along with breastfeeding. Sadly the boobs grew back with the pregnancy, so I wouldnt suggest having top surgery until after having a baby so you wouldnt have to have the surgery twice.

Actually, with a mastectomy most to all of the breast tissue is removed, and not reduced. So there's nothing left to grow back. Transguys are usually left with less mammary tissue than cisguys. 'Cause cisguys actually have some...and after top surgery transguys usually have...well, none.

Men can generally breastfeed naturally- so it's pretty likely we'll just have my partner do that. I've found a lot of instances of guys lactating just from simulating suckling or their child suckling. One instnace is where a dad in a country where they don't really have baby formula- his wife died, and his baby was crying in hunger, out of desperation he put the kid to his breast and the kid started suckling and actually getting milk. So the hormones help- but they aren't necessary.

'

That was my point. But even the most dedicated pumping is pretty hit-or-miss according to the research I've done. That case is rare and only really happens in times of distress, where hormones would be pretty out of whack anyway.

There are also herbs you can get, many over the counter, to encourage an increase in prolactin. (That's the hormone you're looking to boost. Stimulation works more on oxytocin, which is responsible for the release, more than the production.) But generally the most effective route is to increase estrogen levels for about 6-9 months and then let them drop (or decrease all sex hormone levels to a low level and let them rise) because that's how the body's designed to do it. But that's in part up to your SO, and your SO's doctor.

Adopting still makes me kind of nervous- I can't help but wonder if this government would willingly let someone like me have a kid.

Most adoption agencies aren't actually really sponsored by the state, but rather through religious charities. Just as an example, the closest agency to where I live is run by the Salvation Army...and their track record with the queer population...well, yeah.

But I'm sure there's a database of adoption agencies that are GLBTetc.-friendly. I know a quick search I did a while back at least turned up ones that were friendly to the GLB part.

[Guest Nothingbutpain]

There is NOTHING like having your own child i do mean nothing. That being said its a long 10 months.. you heard me 10 not 9 The cost of having your own child is staggering i cried for the first 3 months i worked for my insurance company and still paid about 10 grand probably because of the emergency c-section. Althought lots of mothers are opting for a c-section rather then vaginal birth and i dont doubt you could find one that would just let you go that route which there is less prodding that way.

Like others have said there is nothing wrong with formula feeding a baby, my son only got one month of breast milk thats all i could do and the rest was formula he is strong and just as smart if not smarter then kids his age. formula is expensive, i think at the end when we switched to regular milk at a year it was close to 150 a month for formula.

start buying diapers way before hand i dont think i had to buy diapers until my son was like 8 months no lie we just bought them all the time before we had him since after you have them there is no extra cash flow unless you have a great job then i say go for it!

Bottom line is its up to you, either way adopting or having your own there are always ways to do it children are So worth it they bring a joy to your life that you never thought possible and until you experience no one can fully explain it.

[Guest lvmyftm]

start buying diapers way before hand i dont think i had to buy diapers until my son was like 8 months no lie we just bought them all the time before we had him since after you have them there is no extra cash flow unless you have a great job then i say go for it!

That is a good idea UNLESS your child is allergic to certain brands or styles. Which you dont know until they get here and you try them. I got a ton of huggies as gifts. My daughter is allergic to huggies. I have been giving those diapers away for the last 2 years! lol

[Guest Ryles_D]

Most adoption agencies aren't actually really sponsored by the state, but rather through religious charities. Just as an example, the closest agency to where I live is run by the Salvation Army...and their track record with the queer population...well, yeah.

But I'm sure there's a database of adoption agencies that are GLBTetc.-friendly. I know a quick search I did a while back at least turned up ones that were friendly to the GLB part.

Religious organizations! Even better!

I'm sure there are- I just really hope that they aren't gay & lesbian only... I'm kind of jaded about that.

[Guest ChalenAustin]

Actually international adoption agencies might be more willing and accepting!

I heard that Spain is really friendly.

Some Asian countries are moving in that direction I heard but I can't say for sure.

Nic you didn't tell me Ryan was trans, too!

Why didn't you say so? You til will definitely make it work now! Jeez always last to know the good stuff!

Blessings man, blessings!

[Guest Ryles_D]

Actually international adoption agencies might be more willing and accepting!

I heard that Spain is really friendly.

Some Asian countries are moving in that direction I heard but I can't say for sure.

My partner's british, so we might end up going with that- I imagine that it'd be easier for a citizen to adopt, adn even if we go to some other country, Europe seems more willing to deal with other Europeans than other continents thanks ot the EU and stuff.