Soul Vomit

[Guest Javey]

After loosing myself and finding bits and pieces of me here and there, I think I've come to the conclusion that i know WHO i am, but not necessarily WHAT i am. One day, I'm straight up female. Maybe with a little tomboy side, but definitely female. I feel happiest when i feel like that, because i have that already. There isn't any kind of crazy medical attention, or coming out process, or anything. And every time i feel that way, i hope its there to stay. But it usually doesn't last long. I'd give almost anything to be happy in the body i already have. But I'm beginning to think that might not be possible for me. Other days, I feel like a straight up male (Thats feminine), and i am sitting there planning how to pay for the surgeries (Which by the way, the surgeries kinda scare the hell out of me) and how to tell this to my mother. And the rest? I'm just kind of all over the place, one half of me is male and the other female. Thats it, I'm both, obviously. And then there are days where i don't really want anything to do with either. Recently, I've been feeling more 'All over the place' then definitely one gender or the other. Its scary and confusing.

Since I've started exploring more into the transgender scene, a lot of questions I had have been answered. But the "What am i?" one remains just barely touched. I wish it were easier, I wish i could just choose. I wish someone could just tell me, but i know that the answer to this one is up to me to figure out. Not that i can't have help along the way, of course.

It seems that gender identity isn't nearly as black and white as i thought it was. I thought there were boys and girls, and you were one or the other. I wasn't aware there were so many people that claim neutral, or none at all. Maybe thats me, I'm just neutral. Or a really really gay guy. Who knows. And who knew gender had more flavors then Baskin Robbins. I'm not sure what it is, what makes me want to be a boy. I just know the feeling is there, and it kind of sucks. I like (most) girl clothes and makeup. I enjoy a number of "Girly" activity's, but i long for a straight body, flat chest, and all the male bits and pieces about %85 of the time. Maybe a little more. As i said, how i feel changes from day to day.

I took a jump into dark waters and joined this site, told my therapist, and i plan on telling my best friend when he gets out of school in a few hours. So far so good, the water isn't as deep as i thought it was and the temperature is nice. I'm sure there are some gold coins hidden around here somewhere, too.

The "What am I?" question throbs in my brain mostly at night when I'm alone. Every movement feels right but wrong. Staged, as if I'm pretending to be something I'm not. But at the same time, like all is right in the world. Its hard to talk about for me, So i think I'm doing pretty good right now. Just saying.

I don't know what i am, and I'm growing tired of banging my head against the wall trying to figure it out.

Anyway, I'm gonna bring this thing to an end its getting kinda long. I wrote this song the other day, thought some people on here might like to look at it. In this song, I took my gender questioning, and spoke to it as if it were another person. I decided to get a little artsy with it, the other songs and poems are written from an outsiders perspective. If you'd like to know the meaning behind any particular part, feel free to ask. I'd be happy to tell you.

Skin and bones:

Little boy in the back of my brain, speaking words of wisdom and shame, I'm not sure where you came from or where your going.

(Chorus)

But if someday i should learn your name, you'll be hit twice with hate and blame. Though one day, perhaps, i could learn to love you. And when the whole world seems to be falling down, i can't help but wish you weren't around and make sure no one sees what's inside of me.

There you are in the back of my head, tears streaming. I kinda wish you were dead, And now anything anyone says can be odd and ironic.

And there for,

I keep you hidden underneath my clothes, flesh, blood, skin and bones... In hopes, someday you'll fade away.

(Chorus)

i wonder who else you've affected, you seem common and infectious. What did i ever do, to deserve you?

I wish it were somehow easier to pick and choose, Even though its not a choice to have such a bruise. Your screaming at the top of your lungs, but no one can hear you. Not till the day i open my mouth and say all the things i don't think I'm brave enough to speak.

(Chorus. And a guitar solo, hahaha)

But if everyone should learn your name, I'm sure you'll be hit a few times with pain and fame, but i know they can all learn to love you.

But still, when it seems the whole world is falling down, i can't help but wish you weren't around and that dumb silly things like this never went down.

I'm sitting in the same spot where i have sat for so long, the rain falls outside and i can hear his soft sobs and cry's.

I would give anything to not hurt her so, but still my voice goes high and i go low. The thoughts planted so long ago have begun to grow.

(The last part referring to "Her" is referring to my mother. All she ever wanted was for me to be a girl. And what do ya know? Just when she's happy to have achieved that....)

[Guest Evan_J]

Awwww. No gender referrences included in this reply on purpose. But quit hating yourself. Even a little part of yourself.

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Dear Dear Javey

Take pride in who you are! My dear, don't worry about trying to define yourself. Your selfless expression of yourself are your defining moments. Simply allow yourself to wear and feel each day that seems appropriate for you that day and that day alone. In time, like a picture over a slow internet connection becomes clearer and clearer... so will you! Do not despair my dear child! Look in the mirror each day and be glad for who you see. Physical characteristics are not nearly as important as how you feel inside. If you observe carefully, you will see many females that have the same characteristics as you! We all get caught up in some degree of the sterotypical expectations of how we should look. Do not be fooled by that! You are creative and wonderful. You are very special to humanity. You have real value! Do not ever be ashamed of who you are. At your stage in life, exploring is what you should be doing right now.

Explore my dear, and be glad that you can!!

Love

bernii

[Guest Javey]

I wouldn't say i hate myself so much as the situation. I definitely hate the situation. But yeah, doesn't mean its all that great in the self esteem factor. Honestly i think i have pretty good self esteem, but its not like all this helps anything.

Awwww. No gender referrences included in this reply on purpose. But quit hating yourself. Even a little part of yourself.

[Guest Javey]

I definitely have the same opinion, I'm working on all that. Its just difficult is all. I'm getting there though, maybe a little slowly, but getting there.

Thanks for that, it really made me feel better about everything.

Dear Dear Javey

Take pride in who you are! My dear, don't worry about trying to define yourself. Your selfless expression of yourself are your defining moments. Simply allow yourself to wear and feel each day that seems appropriate for you that day and that day alone. In time, like a picture over a slow internet connection becomes clearer and clearer... so will you! Do not despair my dear child! Look in the mirror each day and be glad for who you see. Physical characteristics are not nearly as important as how you feel inside. If you observe carefully, you will see many females that have the same characteristics as you! We all get caught up in some degree of the sterotypical expectations of how we should look. Do not be fooled by that! You are creative and wonderful. You are very special to humanity. You have real value! Do not ever be ashamed of who you are. At your stage in life, exploring is what you should be doing right now.

Explore my dear, and be glad that you can!!

Love

bernii