I took a chance

[Guest AshleighP]

This may not seem like a big deal to some, but to me it kinda was. Wednesday is the day of the week that my wife leaves early to meet with a friend. She leaves at 5:30 and I don't leave for the gym until around 8. That leaves me a few hours of uninterrupted Ashleigh time, which I savor. My usual routine includes getting up as soon as she leaves to take a shower and get dressed. I get to take my time, put on perfume and makeup along with my outfit for the morning. She knows I dress, she just doesn't approve or want to ever see who I consider the real me.

Next, I head outside to get the newspaper. It's usually still a bit dark so there is little danger of being spotted in my crowded middle class neighborhood. I guess I haven't been paying much attention to the fact that it is getting lighter much earlier. Today is a clear blue morning with fairly bright skies, hence it was not at all dark. What to Do? I hate to miss my foray out into the world, as limited as it is. So I suck up my courage and head out the front door. I walk casually looking about and see that the next door neighbors garage door is open, the lights are on, and the kids are heading to the bus stop. My heart skipped a beat! But I finished my paper retrieval and walked calmly back inside. I'm not sure if anyone spotted me, but I truly feel that it would be ok if they had.

Anyway, back in the house with my lipstick marked coffee cup and my paper.  Enjoy your day y'all!

[Charlize]

Getting to the point where shame and guilt no longer held me back was so liberating.  It came in small steps.

Enjoy!

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Guest AshleighP]

Thanks Charlize. I'm getting there little by little.

[Timber Wolf]

I've found it also gets easier. I remember recently talking with my neighbor when he asked a question about my boots. I thought a moment about how safe he was to tell, then rather matter of factly told him I was transgender and we talked about that for a little. It's amazing how far those little steps take us over time.

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf?????

[DenimAndLace]

Awh, that brings back lots of emotions and memories from my own past.  I remember going for a drive while dressed and the freedom I felt along with the fear that someone might recognize me going down the highway.  Also, I remember the time I took pictures of myself on 35mm film and worried myself sick that the developers would make and distribute reprints of me.  That seems like a different lifetime now.

However fast or slow you progress or if you progress at all is up to you.  You'll do what you need to do when you need to do it and it's a beautiful journey when you go at your own pace.  My only wish for you (and for all) is that the shame and guilt not haunt you but is instead replaced by love and appreciation for who you really are.

[Guest AshleighP]

I have been out dressed numerous times. Been out to dinner and drinks with friends, not a care in the wold. I guess the anxiety came this morning because it was "where I live". Just kinda caught me off guard. 

[tracy_j]

I remember in earlier days going out half dressed in the car and changing some miles from home. I found it an absolute nightmare as it was tricky changing. Things are so much better now. It just takes building up confidence. There is maybe the odd smile from neighbours but, luckily, no real issues. Steady progress is what I found best. Before you know it you can wear anything reasonable and people will just accept it as you.

Tracy

[Guest AshleighP]

Thanks all for the encouragement.

[Guest]

Hi everyone. Reading the posts in this article rings so many bells for me. It was like I had written everyone's thoughts. Tracy your post is me looking in your mirror. Also Ashleigh I totally agree with Tracy. Confidence is so important to each of us. Take your time follow your heart and always enjoy each day and who you are. Hugs to you and everyone. Amber