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Brand New Start as Forest


Immortal Forest

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Well everybody, Hello.

 

On April 18th I finally found out there was stuff that could be done about me not wanting to be a woman all my life. Instantly I knew I wanted HRT etc as soon as possible. I came out to my husband that night when he came home from work. Less than a week later I started socially transitioning, and I don't go out very often as I have agoraphobia and my doc just gave me the okay to drive somewhat recently, so that is something I will need to learn, but after getting a male haircut and getting men's clothing,  I passed as male three times! Yay!! It helps that I am pretty flat chested and have no waistline, hips, butt etc. my voice is the major hurdle as it will Out me I am sure if I am not careful. I can't wait to see if it drops with T. I will probably go bald as most of the men on my mom's side go bald by age 30. :(

My hubby and I are getting divorced asap because he is heterosexual and I am pansexual and he requested a divorce which was totally unexpected by the both of us. I am trying to understand attraction. I feel I will be the same person always no matter what. I am basically heartbroken, but quickly adapting to the situation. We are still best friends though. At the moment we will be roommates until I get my documents changed which is pretty easy here. This has all been complicated by my disabilities and the fact that hubby has been my caregiver in the past. Right now I am the healthiest I have been in 15 years. Yay!! So this is perfect timing for a transition to me being on my own for the first time ever. 

I will return to college at 52 years old and major in psychology and religious studies and get certificates in performing arts and the Hawaiian language hopefully. This will be a tremendous challenge for me. I have tried to go back in the past, but my disabilities got the better of me at that time in my life. I have the support of my family doctor, my psychiatrist and my therapist, but I have no friends. I lost them all when I left Christianity and being basically confined to the house has made it next to impossible to make any new ones. I have 4 adult kids (and 6 grandkids) and so far I have come out to 2 of my kids and they are very supportive. Two more to go, so wish me luck! 

My parents will absolutely disown me over this as they have threatened to for much less! I will be coming out to them as transgender and pagan at the same time. My psychiatrist agrees with me on keeping them out of contact with me for my emotional protection, so I have changed my email and will be changing my phone number really soon before I tell them by mail. I will give them my new post office box number when I get it, but not reading their replies until I am able to handle it safely, which has been an issue in the past when they have rejected me when I have disappointed them. I am the most emotionally stable I have ever been, but still not taking any chances where they are concerned as rejection is a big trigger of mine and I am already dealing with that in spades. 

I will probably make some mistakes, being I am not very aware of proper language to describe my transgender experience and so please forgive me. I am trying to learn as quickly as possible so I don't offend anyone. That would be especially grievous to me.

 

love,

Forest

 

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Welcome to Laura's Forest! BTW-T will drop your voice.

Hugs,

Marcie

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  • Root Admin

Hello Forest,

Welcome to Laura's Playground. Thank you for sharing your story with us. :)

MaryEllen

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  • Forum Moderator

Hi Forest,

Welcome to Laura's! There are lots of friends here. Feel free to participate on the forums. I'm glad to meet you.

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf?????

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  • Admin

Welcome to the Playground, Forest.  I wish you all the best in your current situation.  It is never easy separating and you have other issues to deal with.  But you seem to have a great attitude, and I wish you luck with your schooling.  I look forward to hearing more from you on these forum pages.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

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  • Forum Moderator

Hi Forest

Welcome :)

Tracy x

 

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  • Forum Moderator

Welcome to Laura's Forest.  You are not alone.  While all of our journeys are unique i've seen many overcome past difficulties when they find themselves.

Glad you've joined us.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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Hi Forest,

Welcome to the playground!  Transition is frequently not easy, but the rewards can be amazing.  Your voice will definitely get lower, and more resonant with T.

My fiance Alex, and I are both pagan as are many of our friends.  So I think it is groovy to welcome another pagan to LP.   

hugs,

Stephanie

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Well, making that post gave me a panic attack lol I wasn't expecting that. Then during the attack I got a bad pain in my side, worst pain ever!! Ended up in the ER  and they think it is kidney cancer :(

i will start on morphine soon. today I was okay and I just had Percocet. In the ER they gave me like 6 meds for pain and nothing helped. So good days and bad days ahead I guess... I lost ten pounds this week and my doc was mad at me... nausea...Started nausea meds today. I also have a uti that is going on 5 weeks. On my third course of antibiotics.  Well enough complaints from me. I just have no one to tell this stuff to really.  

I am trying to get back the hope in my first post. Hard today. I still don't know what I am going to do for medical insurance yet. I have been really sleepy. Catching up from all of the insomnia I guess. Gonna go.

love, 

Forest

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  • Forum Moderator

Sorry to hear that things are not so good with you. See what the tests you will be getting find. There are a number of things which can cause bad kidney pain, and the UTI  may well be part of the same problem.

Good luck

Tracy x

 

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Thank you so much for all of the encouragement. I really appreciate all of you being here for me at this crazy time. 

 

StephanieViking, so good to see a fellow pagan here. I just became one last year and i don't know any pagans yet, except one email pen pal, that i talk to occasionally. Gotta start getting out more.

 

thanks again, love to you all!

 

Forest

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I have a biopsy scheduled Wednesday morning. If anyone prays or sends good happy thoughts please do! 

 

Also, tremendously wonderful news. After having a long talk, my husband and I realized we had been having a terrible long string of miscommunication after miscommunication and happily we found out we both want to stay married!!! This is after each of us were grieving for a whole month what a terrible thing this divorce was going to be and how much we would miss each other terribly because we were so much in love still!!! We almost divorced by accident lol.

 

I wrote a very long letter to my family explaining my decisions and choices and about facts about transgender and my experience being a guy in a girl's body. Then I changed my phone number and email and only sent them to those who would be supportive and will be giving a p.o.box number to the few who I know will absolutely reject me over this. So I can read any comments only when I am mentally and emotionally healthiest.

My therapist and psychiatrist agree that this is the best plan in order to keep me safe as their reactions to me might make me suicidal as they have in the past for lesser "evils" in their opinion I have committed. The ones who have my info are trustworthy not to share it as they have seen the abuse I have received in the past for things beyond my control. 

If anyone prays, please pray for the best possible reception of this information by my family. I have told three out of four of my children and they were very supportive. My husband suggested writing to my daughter as she is not speaking to me currently. I will hopefully mail the letters on Monday. 

Thank you for listening and being so supportive.

Love,

Forest 

 

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  • Admin

I hope that everything works out for the best with your family, Forest, as well as with your health concerns. Life is a game of craps, and i hope you roll your number and keep those dice going for a very long string.  Beating the house odds is a really good feeling.  I'm happy for you that you and your husband are working things out. 

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

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1 hour ago, Carolyn Marie said:

I hope that everything works out for the best with your family, Forest, as well as with your health concerns. Life is a game of craps, and i hope you roll your number and keep those dice going for a very long string.  Beating the house odds is a really good feeling.  I'm happy for you that you and your husband are working things out. 

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

Thank you for your reply and your good wishes. I feel like anything wonderful can happen again now that I feel I am united with my true love!!?

I was starting to feel everything was against me and I was losing hope quickly for my transgender life changes ahead of me making me feel better in ANY way. Today, I thanked my sun goddess and my husband said next to me, "it is going to be a good day," and for the first time in a month I felt truly blessed as once again I awoke next to him instead of in another room.

 

I feel like everything will work out once again and I have hope that I can do anything I need to to bring about my transgender transformation! I am grateful for the experience of losing him for that once month of tremendous grief as I can have a better idea of what some go through. Compassion is such a beautiful thing and I was blessed with a bit more of it. I thank my gods that that wasn't my path!!! Almost 33 years of marriage, and I know in my heart of hearts I belong with him!

This is such a needed blessing, as we had grown apart by changes in our lives - he became an atheist 5 years ago and I went from Buddhist to atheist to new ager and then pagan in that same time, so we have learned a lot about tolerance and acceptance in that span of time. In middle age, you often question things like your marriage, "am I on my right path, still?" And I can finally say, absolutely yes!! 

 

As for my my extended family, I also had questions... how long do I let them in? Have they hurt me enough to say, "Back off!" For a while. How could I ensure my happiness with someone (my father) insisting I talk to them weekly and them making me feel wretched because I was living many lies within our conversations and in the dynamics of our relationships??

Well, I am finding the strength to come clean about who I am in many ways, coming out about my gender and my religion and myself in other ways and it was necessary for my health and self esteem. How could I go on to train in my selected career paths (Shamanism, Expressive Arts Therapy, and Interfaith Group Leadership) with my entire extended family wondering if I was still a fundamentalist Christian? 

We finally broke away from that 5 1/2 years ago, but hadn't been walking it for some time. We just hadn't gotten up the strength to get really set free from it....

so, life is good!! So good! I am curious and trepidatious about this biopsy. Anything can happen at this point. But suddenly with everything else looking up, I feel very positive that somehow it will be okay in the end and that is exactly what I needed at this time. 

Thank you, for listening!!

love,

Forest

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