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By Abigail Genevieve · Posted
I thought I would try my version of this. Changes in bold. I am Transgender. Sometimes it is remote, sometimes close. Sometimes I am euphoric, sometimes depressed. It is something I cannot get away from and cannot welcome enough. I see some things both ways that neither men as men see or women as women see. I can be gentle and compassionate and hard as nails. I was born with male genitals but a female heart I have my heart. Whatever it is. When I look at a female, I wish I looked like her Depends on the woman. When I look at a male, I wish I did not look like him Ditto. I envy female movements, softness, behaviors, appearances, fashion...EVERYTHING Female Depends. Sometimes I get angry at them because women spend time and energy in ways men don't. It is not necessarily bad. I could do without the gossip. Not all women gossip. Excessive focus on fashion is something I find annoying. And expensive. I tolerate all things male out of social obligation...not because I feel like a man or because it makes me happy....but because that's what I was forced to believe was my only choice....beginning in early childhood. Sometimes it is helpful to put on the Iron Man suit and act accordingly. But I have seen some tough women. When I look at myself in the mirror in only bra and panties...I can see my nude female body...and it makes me smile and feel amazing and warm inside....yet sad because that is not my reality. I could go either way, mostly. Really. In tests in the last two years technicians have gone really quiet when they see how little body and leg hair I have. I looked at myself this morning. Remove a few clues and a girl is standing there. When I look at myself in the mirror in only boxers...I can see my nude male body and it saddens me deeply and makes me feel sick and depressed...and at times...even ashamed....Because this IS my reality. At this point I am not going to do that. In the mood I am in I might break the mirror. My true gender does not influence my sexual interests or preferences...or change who I am....in any form or fashion. Gender identity is in no way connected to anything sexually related on any level. Not sure I want to make that statement so categorically. Life as a male leaves me with a feeling that something is off...that something is missing...that something is not as it should have been. Well put. The idea of having to continue living as a male...as someone I am not...for the rest of my life...even if its only part time...causes great sadness and anxiety within myself. I've got priorities beyond this that this must fit into. The idea of living as the girl I am and always have been on a full time basis...regardless of where I am, what I am doing or who I am around...brings me great joy, happiness and a sense of peace within myself. Would be neat. Looking like and living as a girl makes me smile. Would be neat. There are downsides. Looking like and living as a guy makes me sad. I have had lots of practice accepting this. I am Transgender....I am a girl -
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By Ashley0616 · Posted
Good listener, respect them, and show sympathy/empathy, even just being there -
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By Sally Stone · Posted
Think positively, Ashley. I have no doubt you'll find your king or queen at some point. Hugs, Sally -
By Abigail Genevieve · Posted
Bob had the night off from teaching kara-tay and they planned to spend a lot of it at Cabaret. Once in, Taylor waited for her man to park and looked around. There was a sign "Mary, Paul and Peter LIVE tonight" and, sure enough, three microphones were standing in the open area. A new hostess came up to her. "Are you alone?" "Oh, no. He's coming." Taylor was led to a table. Bob was there in a minute and managed to get in there and seat her. She smiled. "The act will be along in a few minutes. And Congratulations! I am SO EXCITED!!" Taylor responded to his look. "I got promoted." "To what?" "Head of Marketing." "You're kidding." "Nope. It seems the Board finally woke up to the fact that the China cash cow may come to an end and they need to do something. Did you know that the VPs on up all get over a million dollars in compensation without really doing anything?" "No." "I am supposed to figure out how to re-energize over thirty acres of factory that have laid idle for forty years or more." "Why don't they do it?" She whispered,"the head of production is the son of the previous head of production. He has never produced anything." She explained that everything was made in China and exported back to the US and sold under different brand names. "How am I going to find someone?" He smiled. "Congratulations. Sounds like a problem. Hey, today we were talking about problems at our Philly plant. One, it was built before World War 2. Second the city and state are tightening regulations and the tax structure is adverse. Third, we get protestors every day, some of whom break into the factory. People are talking about relocating." "We are forty miles from an interstate." "That is a plus. Makes it harder for protestors to find us if we moved here." "You are really thinking that?" "I am, right now. I can't speak for the company. I know there is a rail line." "Spur, actually, with several sidings. The buildings are in good shape." "Do you have about five acres we could look at? How about if I take some pictures and send them off?" "Great. And protestors would not be tolerated in Millville. The factory area once upon a time was the main employer and people are very protective." Two weeks later she was in Philadelphia with Gibson and a few others. The deal was signed and by end of summer ten acres, with an option on another ten, were being upgraded and equipment was coming in by rail. Not five, but ten. She got a $20,000 bonus out of the blue. The company was flush with Chinese cash that they didn't know what to do with. She was developing plans. But back to dinner. "Did I tell you what they are paying me?" "No." She told him. "That is more than I am making." "You don't sound happy." "It takes some getting used to. You are Management and Croesus combined." "Yeah. Is this a problem?" "No. As I said, it takes some getting used to." The musicians arrived and were introduced: three local teenagers in Peter Paul and Mary clothing and wigs like it was the 60s. They began singing. "They are good," she said. "They are lip-synching." "They are good at lip-synching." They listened for a while. "Work is going to be intense for a while." "I'll bet." "I won't be able to talk to you about some of it." "I bet." They had a good evening. The high point for Bob was that she let him put his hand on hers. The high point for her was Bob did not seem threatened by her now being Management and making more than he did with a Masters. She didn't tell him she was likely to be in on the distribution of money the Chinese sent every year to keep them fat and happy. But she had to finish up that report, so the evening ended early. He drove her home, checked her apartment for people and again walked away hearing her lock the door three times. She didn't say it, but he knew she was going to have a long talk with her therapist as well. Her therapist was a night owl. -
By Ashley0616 · Posted
envy: painful or resentful awareness of an advantage enjoyed by another joined with a desire to possess the same advantage obsolete : MALICE : an object of envious notice or feeling -
By MaeBe · Posted
I sit back and think, am I this person? I definitely argue, but with the willingness to alter my opinion if I find that my information is lacking. So, no? I also don't go pointing fingers in faces like a crazed person, usually I am the one to argue with that kind of person; typically because they can't see past emotion and have little concern for actual facts. Sometimes it's sport that I do this (ENTP, baby!), but usually it comes from a place of trying to inform and shift opinion--or at least get them to actually obtain facts or get their facts from objective sources. -
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By Betty K · Posted
Thank you Vidanjali that is so great to hear. I'm glad the joy comes across even though the subjects are dark, and especially that my voice is pretty! This was really a breakthrough for me, and I revelled in the entire process. Never had creating music been so effortless from start to finish. -
By Charlize · Posted
The thoughts and suggestions above are certainly excellent! I might also suggest that you continue to reach out to the trans community where your feelings are understood through experience. I have found that helpful. The is especially true when i try to help another in distress, not to look for a fellow sufferer but to help another find a path to self acceptance and peace. Funny how helping another can pull me out of my own funk. We are here to help as we can. Remember you are not alone in your feelings. Hugs, Charlize
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