Anticlimax

[SugarMagnolia]

Today was my first time coming out to a family member. I told my wife last year and that went reasonably well although we'll be working through many things for the foreseeable future. I've also told a couple of friends and that's been fine. However, today is the day that I chose to come out to my mom.

i thought this would go well because she's a licensed clinical social worker who just wants to help people be happy, and because we've always had a very loving and open relationship. Still you never know, so I was a bit anxious.

what was funny is that she took it totally in stride, asked a few questions, told me she loved me, and let me share a bit. And then we just kind of moved on to other topics. I'm sure that we'll discuss this more over the remaining few days, but I feel sort of underwhelmed a bit, in that I was kind of expecting some big catharsis and that didn't really happen. 

Im just wondering if anyone else has had this sort of experience? Don't get me wrong, I'm Thrilled that it went so well and relieved to stop hiding such an important part of myself from someone that is such an important part of my life; but it was so easy that I keep thinking, " what's the catch?"

My dad is up next, and I know that will be more difficult, so I suppose I should just count my blessings and move on. ??

Hugs, Julie

 

 

 

[Charlize]

Thanks for sharing Julie.

  I have known that odd feeling that there should be a bigger reaction to my transition.  It  happened several times during my coming out process.  I came to understand that several factors may be in effect.  One that it's really not such a big deal to others.  It seems odd but indeed transition is my life not theirs.  Secondly i think it often takes folks some time to digest a new reality.  

I'm glad your mom is accepting!   Time will hopefully make that even stronger.  Best of luck with your dad.  Let us know how it goes.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[tracy_j]

I have always expected a big reaction but, by and large, it has not happened. I think that generally people are full of their own problems so, if not totally unexpected, is taken as confirmation of expected facts.

Tracy

 

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Julie,

It can't be that uncommon getting that kind of reaction. Two of my sisters have reacted in rather subdued fassion. Accepting, but certainly not getting all exhited either way about it. My younger sister's reaction was bigger, but in a very positive way. 

I'm glad your mom is accepting and hope your dad accepts you as well.

And by the way, Happy Birthday!???

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf?

[SugarMagnolia]

Thanks for the confirmations (and the birthday wishes!).

i guess I'm not surprised that this is a regular occurrence, but it just felt so different than I expected that I needed some validation. 

[Cecilia]

On 6/17/2017 at 11:34 PM, SugarMagnolia said:

Today was my first time coming out to a family member. I told my wife last year and that went reasonably well although we'll be working through many things for the foreseeable future. I've also told a couple of friends and that's been fine. However, today is the day that I chose to come out to my mom.

i thought this would go well because she's a licensed clinical social worker who just wants to help people be happy, and because we've always had a very loving and open relationship. Still you never know, so I was a bit anxious.

what was funny is that she took it totally in stride, asked a few questions, told me she loved me, and let me share a bit. And then we just kind of moved on to other topics. I'm sure that we'll discuss this more over the remaining few days, but I feel sort of underwhelmed a bit, in that I was kind of expecting some big catharsis and that didn't really happen. 

Im just wondering if anyone else has had this sort of experience? Don't get me wrong, I'm Thrilled that it went so well and relieved to stop hiding such an important part of myself from someone that is such an important part of my life; but it was so easy that I keep thinking, " what's the catch?"

My dad is up next, and I know that will be more difficult, so I suppose I should just count my blessings and move on. ??

Hugs, Julie

 

 

 

I am so glad to hear it went well with your mom.  I wrote a 2 page email to my mom but have not heard back.  I even said in the end of the email to just tell me she read it even if she has nothing else to say.  Sigh.   I also came out to my children.  One daughter is fine so far;  but I have not heard back from my son or other 5 daughters.   I also have not heard back from my 5 or so close friends.  So,  I guess they just need time to process it? 

I think I need to find new friends that are trans like me so I can have fellowship with them.  Even if my old friends remain supportive.  Right now it's just my wife and I (we are empty nesters) and so far nobody has been willing to visit us since coming out.  I guess we might be persona non grata?

 

[SugarMagnolia]

That's interesting, Cecilia. I haven't told come out to many people yet and they've all been in person, but I will be doing some via email soon and have been thinking about the differences.

Perhaps with email people people are worried about saying the wrong thing or about how to say the right thing and may take some extra time to wordsmith? How long has it been since you sent out the emails?

One thing I'm trying to remember is that I have no control over other people's reactions, and that I'm not telling them for their approval or even their support although that would be nice, but rather to be able to live my life openly and stop hiding.

Finding your support network is very important. I'm really worried about my dad's reaction and am trying to build myself up for that. Definitely a topic to discuss more with my therapist and my local trans friends that I know through a support group. I think its a great idea for you to seek that out as well. Do you have a therapist in place?

Let us know when you start to hear back from people and what their reactions are. And hang in there! 

[Clara84]

I got a lot of such experience during my coming out process. Especially from friends. I expected huge reaction and shock and most of the time I just get something like "ok what else?"

Now, 2-3 months later I got some feedback. Most of the people didn't understand well, a lot of them thought it was just a phase. Almost everyone just expected to see the same "me" dressed like a girl, period. Most find that weird but accept.

Now they see that I not only look like a woman, they notice I also ACT like a woman, have a lot of feminine manners, talk and have emotions like a woman. Now they understand it was something serious and why it was so hard to tell.

Some also told me that they miss the old one, because they understood he's dead, what most of them didn't expect at first.

The positive thing is that everyone, inclusive those who are upset and also some people I nearly don't know, told me how I look happier and more enjoying life than before. (Before transition I was often immediately identified as "depressive" by all the people I met.)

[SugarMagnolia]

I came out to my best friend last night. So far, so good! I was worried about it because we're so close that losing him as a friend would be very sad. It went well, though.

He was supportive, but he said it's hard for him to understand. I mentioned it taking me years to figure it out and how I'm still confused by some of it at times. 

I referenced something that I think I read here recently, or in an article linked to from here, about not worrying about understanding it and just focusing on how much happier I am now. That made sense to him. Another score for "anticlimax". :-)

I'm chalking this one up as a big success and heaving a huge sigh of relief!

[Cecilia]

On 6/26/2017 at 0:52 AM, SugarMagnolia said:

That's interesting, Cecilia. I haven't told come out to many people yet and they've all been in person, but I will be doing some via email soon and have been thinking about the differences.

Perhaps with email people people are worried about saying the wrong thing or about how to say the right thing and may take some extra time to wordsmith? How long has it been since you sent out the emails?

One thing I'm trying to remember is that I have no control over other people's reactions, and that I'm not telling them for their approval or even their support although that would be nice, but rather to be able to live my life openly and stop hiding.

Finding your support network is very important. I'm really worried about my dad's reaction and am trying to build myself up for that. Definitely a topic to discuss more with my therapist and my local trans friends that I know through a support group. I think its a great idea for you to seek that out as well. Do you have a therapist in place?

Let us know when you start to hear back from people and what their reactions are. And hang in there! 

 

So far I have knocked a home run out of the park with my letter.   All 5 daughters said they were behind me 100%,  my 1 son said he just needs some time and that he thinks this was "very bizarre",  my cousin, uncle and aunt all wrote wonderful responses, my mom also said she is there 100%,  and all 4 or 5 of my friends were 100% supportive.   Work was also a home run - my company has a Transgender Toolkit which has some processes and we have been working those processes step by step.   I cannot even describe how amazing my company is;  and I can see why they are known as the best diversity company in USA.  I never knew that when I took the offer to stay with them instead of retiring -  I am so glad I did! 

 

[SugarMagnolia]

26 minutes ago, Cecilia said:

 

So far I have knocked a home run out of the park with my letter.   All 5 daughters said they were behind me 100%,  my 1 son said he just needs some time and that he thinks this was "very bizarre",  my cousin, uncle and aunt all wrote wonderful responses, my mom also said she is there 100%,  and all 4 or 5 of my friends were 100% supportive.   Work was also a home run - my company has a Transgender Toolkit which has some processes and we have been working those processes step by step.   I cannot even describe how amazing my company is;  and I can see why they are known as the best diversity company in USA.  I never knew that when I took the offer to stay with them instead of retiring -  I am so glad I did! 

 

So glad to hear that, Cecilia. Since the rest of your family is so supportive, I suspect that will help your son to process and understand. We're both doing well so far!

It makes me wish that I'd been able to do this years ago, but I guess like a fine wine I just needed to age a bit. :-)

[Cecilia]

3 hours ago, SugarMagnolia said:

So glad to hear that, Cecilia. Since the rest of your family is so supportive, I suspect that will help your son to process and understand. We're both doing well so far!

It makes me wish that I'd been able to do this years ago, but I guess like a fine wine I just needed to age a bit. :-)

I'm an older lady too.  I am 56.  I am also 6'5" so I am going to have a lot of people ask me about being so tall.   I have a bunch of personal goals and surgical goals,  and hopefully when all is said and done I don't feel like I waited too long.  Personally I want to go from 300 lbs down to 180 lbs;  and surgically I want to do my SRS, breast augmentation, FFS, and have my voice repaired.  My timeline is Orchi now and start HRT,  do all the other surgeries in 12-18 months from now,  and have lost the 120 lbs within 2 years from now (1 lb a week).  I am going vegetarian except for fish,  and am ending the use of processed sugar, corn syrup, and bad/useless carbs like pasta and bread.

[MarcieMarie12]

Cecilia, avoid beer too, there is a lot of carbs in beers.

[SugarMagnolia]

You have a great plan! With respect to height, I know a number of gals who are transitioning and are well over 6 feet and they look fantastic. Confidence and happiness goes a long way.

My wife and I have largely eliminated meat and alcohol from our diets and without any other changes I've lost almost 40 pounds over the last year. We do eat some pasta and bread, but always whole grain. I'm close to my goal of 150 pounds (I'm 5'9"), so that feels good.

Your plan sounds like a good, sustainable one. Good luck!

 

[Clara84]

11 hours ago, Cecilia said:

I'm an older lady too.  I am 56.  I am also 6'5" so I am going to have a lot of people ask me about being so tall.   I have a bunch of personal goals and surgical goals,  and hopefully when all is said and done I don't feel like I waited too long.  Personally I want to go from 300 lbs down to 180 lbs;  and surgically I want to do my SRS, breast augmentation, FFS, and have my voice repaired.  My timeline is Orchi now and start HRT,  do all the other surgeries in 12-18 months from now,  and have lost the 120 lbs within 2 years from now (1 lb a week).  I am going vegetarian except for fish,  and am ending the use of processed sugar, corn syrup, and bad/useless carbs like pasta and bread.

You plan sounds very good. Very close to my plan!

I also want to do everything the most quickly possible.

For voice, you could try to train it by yourself, perhaps you won't need any surgery. (I've done a post about how I trained my voice)

Your need for FFS and breast agumentation will depend of how you react to HRT. Some MtF are satisfied about their face and breast after 2 years of HRT.

Your Weight loss plan sounds possible. I Started with 236lbs, today 196lbs. (40lbs lost in 2 months), but I am still far far away from my goal (135lbs). Yes, no alcohol, no sugar is a good way to start. Eating mostly proteines and vegetables is good.

[Cindy Truheart]

Most of my coming out stories are like this. Anti-climactic! The most exciting one was another couple who had been our best friends for over a decade, they are Southern Baptists, but REALLY free thinking for that kind of religion! They came back after a couple weeks and wanted to make sure my therapist wasn't the one steering me in the direction of transition! I literally laughed at that! And in the case of my sister it was, "I knew you were different, I just didn't know how!" I think that, at least for siblings, it's sometimes easier to understand than we expect because they know us so well!

Glad to hear that everything is going well for you all! And I wish I could say that I've eliminated alcohol from my life, but that isn't happening yet. I have managed to lose about 50lbs, but I'm starting to gain it back now. Of course I'm a foodie and can't help myself! Last night I made Rotisserie Cornish Hens wrapped in bacon, mashed potatoes with garlic butter, corn on the cob and a side salad. It was SOOO good! See? I'm making myself hungry again! I'm terrible!

Love and Light!

[Cecilia]

14 hours ago, MarcieMarie12 said:

Cecilia, avoid beer too, there is a lot of carbs in beers.

 

Thankfully beer has never been an indulgance for me.  If I do have a beer (maybe 2 or 3 bottles per year) I nurse the bottle for an hour or more and throw half of it out.   Only beer flavors I have even been able to tolerate are Kilian's Irish Red and Sam Adams Oktoberfest;  which to me taste almost exactly the same.

[SugarMagnolia]

One thing that I'm learning on this journey, whether it's food, alchohol or even financial expenditures is the power of habits. 

I was drinking every day and I was regularly eating desserts, breakfast burritos, meat heavy meals, etc. What has worked really well for me is to change my default to be no alcohol, no/less meat, small healthy breakfasts and so on. I don't tell myself that I won't have those things, but I try to save them more for celebrations or special occasions. 

That's easier said that done, of course, but after six weeks or so the new habits seem to kick in and stop seeming like deprivation and just become the new normal.

Of course, last night I grilled a tri-tip and we had that with grilled polenta and fresh tomato and purple onion, so I definitely haven't given up my carnivorous nature. And don't get me started on miracle that is bacon...

[Cecilia]

3 hours ago, Clara84 said:

You plan sounds very good. Very close to my plan!

I also want to do everything the most quickly possible.

For voice, you could try to train it by yourself, perhaps you won't need any surgery. (I've done a post about how I trained my voice)

Your need for FFS and breast agumentation will depend of how you react to HRT. Some MtF are satisfied about their face and breast after 2 years of HRT.

Your Weight loss plan sounds possible. I Started with 236lbs, today 196lbs. (40lbs lost in 2 months), but I am still far far away from my goal (135lbs). Yes, no alcohol, no sugar is a good way to start. Eating mostly proteines and vegetables is good.

 

I am blessed to have my wife here for both moral support and to help keep me on my diet.   My goal is going from 310 to somewhere around 180 depending on how it looks.  I'll know when I get there!  LOL    I am down about 10 lbs from my max of 314,  and I am starting my 3 day cleanse today and then I move onto a vegetarian diet.  My wife is a PA and her passion is biological physiology (that was her academic credentials).  She has always been into bio identical hormone therapy,  HGH, those sorts of Southern California things.   So I am jumping onto her diet once my cleanse is done.  Only down side - I am going to have to learn to like the weird foods she eats and say goodbye to my unhealthy diet.

I am a huge youtube fan of Stef Sanjati and of Allison Faye.  They are younger than me,  but remind me of how I wish I was in my 20s and 30s and I find them to be inspirational to me.

I did a weight adjustment program a few years ago that was nothing short of amazing;  but I failed because I did not accumulate enough recipes.  It was developed by an MD at Cleveland Clinic that is the head of Cardiac Surgery.  It was to stopping and actually reversing heart disease.  Here it is in a nutshell -  it's just a set of rules to live by:

* Nothing with a mother and nothing with a face.  So no meat, no dairy, etc.

* No coconut or avocado;  since both are very high in bad cholesterol.  (I honestly don't miss those 2 items!)

* No processed sugars and no processed carbs.  (I replaced sugar with Truvia / Stevia - worked just fine)

* Limit whole grains and avoid soy as much as possible.  (I moved from white rice to black rice and red rice).

* Limit using sodium on everything.  (When I do use salt, which is rarely,  I use pink salt from Asia).

* Eat often as you want;  but when you do eat try to keep it to about a fistful of food at a time because a human fist is the size of a human stomach that has not been stretched from over-eating.

* Walk for 30 minutes or do yoga for 1 hour 3x a week;  learn to meditate to lower stress.  ( am joining the YMCA to do swimming).

* Most of all - if you slip up just forgive yourself and get back on track.   (This is where I fail.  This is my albatross).

 

 

[Jani]

18 minutes ago, SugarMagnolia said:

I don't tell myself that I won't have those things, but I try to save them more for celebrations or special occasions. 

This is always a good plan, moderation.  It does involve a good dose of will power though.

Jani

[SugarMagnolia]

15 minutes ago, Jani423 said:

This is always a good plan, moderation.  It does involve a good dose of will power though.

Jani

It does at first, but once it's a habit then you stop needing to think about it as much. I do still appreciate one of my favorite Mark Twain quotes (below), though. If you don't have that banana split every once in a while then you're missing out on a lot, I think:

"Everything in moderation, including moderation"