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Anticlimax


SugarMagnolia

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Today was my first time coming out to a family member. I told my wife last year and that went reasonably well although we'll be working through many things for the foreseeable future. I've also told a couple of friends and that's been fine. However, today is the day that I chose to come out to my mom.

i thought this would go well because she's a licensed clinical social worker who just wants to help people be happy, and because we've always had a very loving and open relationship. Still you never know, so I was a bit anxious.

what was funny is that she took it totally in stride, asked a few questions, told me she loved me, and let me share a bit. And then we just kind of moved on to other topics. I'm sure that we'll discuss this more over the remaining few days, but I feel sort of underwhelmed a bit, in that I was kind of expecting some big catharsis and that didn't really happen. 

Im just wondering if anyone else has had this sort of experience? Don't get me wrong, I'm Thrilled that it went so well and relieved to stop hiding such an important part of myself from someone that is such an important part of my life; but it was so easy that I keep thinking, " what's the catch?"

My dad is up next, and I know that will be more difficult, so I suppose I should just count my blessings and move on. ??

Hugs, Julie

 

 

 

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Thanks for sharing Julie.

  I have known that odd feeling that there should be a bigger reaction to my transition.  It  happened several times during my coming out process.  I came to understand that several factors may be in effect.  One that it's really not such a big deal to others.  It seems odd but indeed transition is my life not theirs.  Secondly i think it often takes folks some time to digest a new reality.  

I'm glad your mom is accepting!   Time will hopefully make that even stronger.  Best of luck with your dad.  Let us know how it goes.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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I have always expected a big reaction but, by and large, it has not happened. I think that generally people are full of their own problems so, if not totally unexpected, is taken as confirmation of expected facts.

Tracy

 

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Hi Julie,

It can't be that uncommon getting that kind of reaction. Two of my sisters have reacted in rather subdued fassion. Accepting, but certainly not getting all exhited either way about it. My younger sister's reaction was bigger, but in a very positive way. 

I'm glad your mom is accepting and hope your dad accepts you as well.

And by the way, Happy Birthday!???

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf?

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Thanks for the confirmations (and the birthday wishes!).

i guess I'm not surprised that this is a regular occurrence, but it just felt so different than I expected that I needed some validation. 

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On 6/17/2017 at 11:34 PM, SugarMagnolia said:

Today was my first time coming out to a family member. I told my wife last year and that went reasonably well although we'll be working through many things for the foreseeable future. I've also told a couple of friends and that's been fine. However, today is the day that I chose to come out to my mom.

i thought this would go well because she's a licensed clinical social worker who just wants to help people be happy, and because we've always had a very loving and open relationship. Still you never know, so I was a bit anxious.

what was funny is that she took it totally in stride, asked a few questions, told me she loved me, and let me share a bit. And then we just kind of moved on to other topics. I'm sure that we'll discuss this more over the remaining few days, but I feel sort of underwhelmed a bit, in that I was kind of expecting some big catharsis and that didn't really happen. 

Im just wondering if anyone else has had this sort of experience? Don't get me wrong, I'm Thrilled that it went so well and relieved to stop hiding such an important part of myself from someone that is such an important part of my life; but it was so easy that I keep thinking, " what's the catch?"

My dad is up next, and I know that will be more difficult, so I suppose I should just count my blessings and move on. ??

Hugs, Julie

 

 

 

I am so glad to hear it went well with your mom.  I wrote a 2 page email to my mom but have not heard back.  I even said in the end of the email to just tell me she read it even if she has nothing else to say.  Sigh.   I also came out to my children.  One daughter is fine so far;  but I have not heard back from my son or other 5 daughters.   I also have not heard back from my 5 or so close friends.  So,  I guess they just need time to process it? 

I think I need to find new friends that are trans like me so I can have fellowship with them.  Even if my old friends remain supportive.  Right now it's just my wife and I (we are empty nesters) and so far nobody has been willing to visit us since coming out.  I guess we might be persona non grata?

 

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That's interesting, Cecilia. I haven't told come out to many people yet and they've all been in person, but I will be doing some via email soon and have been thinking about the differences.

Perhaps with email people people are worried about saying the wrong thing or about how to say the right thing and may take some extra time to wordsmith? How long has it been since you sent out the emails?

One thing I'm trying to remember is that I have no control over other people's reactions, and that I'm not telling them for their approval or even their support although that would be nice, but rather to be able to live my life openly and stop hiding.

Finding your support network is very important. I'm really worried about my dad's reaction and am trying to build myself up for that. Definitely a topic to discuss more with my therapist and my local trans friends that I know through a support group. I think its a great idea for you to seek that out as well. Do you have a therapist in place?

Let us know when you start to hear back from people and what their reactions are. And hang in there! 

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I got a lot of such experience during my coming out process. Especially from friends. I expected huge reaction and shock and most of the time I just get something like "ok what else?"

Now, 2-3 months later I got some feedback. Most of the people didn't understand well, a lot of them thought it was just a phase. Almost everyone just expected to see the same "me" dressed like a girl, period. Most find that weird but accept.

Now they see that I not only look like a woman, they notice I also ACT like a woman, have a lot of feminine manners, talk and have emotions like a woman. Now they understand it was something serious and why it was so hard to tell.

Some also told me that they miss the old one, because they understood he's dead, what most of them didn't expect at first.

The positive thing is that everyone, inclusive those who are upset and also some people I nearly don't know, told me how I look happier and more enjoying life than before. (Before transition I was often immediately identified as "depressive" by all the people I met.)

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I came out to my best friend last night. So far, so good! I was worried about it because we're so close that losing him as a friend would be very sad. It went well, though.

He was supportive, but he said it's hard for him to understand. I mentioned it taking me years to figure it out and how I'm still confused by some of it at times. 

I referenced something that I think I read here recently, or in an article linked to from here, about not worrying about understanding it and just focusing on how much happier I am now. That made sense to him. Another score for "anticlimax". :-)

I'm chalking this one up as a big success and heaving a huge sigh of relief!

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On 6/26/2017 at 0:52 AM, SugarMagnolia said:

That's interesting, Cecilia. I haven't told come out to many people yet and they've all been in person, but I will be doing some via email soon and have been thinking about the differences.

Perhaps with email people people are worried about saying the wrong thing or about how to say the right thing and may take some extra time to wordsmith? How long has it been since you sent out the emails?

One thing I'm trying to remember is that I have no control over other people's reactions, and that I'm not telling them for their approval or even their support although that would be nice, but rather to be able to live my life openly and stop hiding.

Finding your support network is very important. I'm really worried about my dad's reaction and am trying to build myself up for that. Definitely a topic to discuss more with my therapist and my local trans friends that I know through a support group. I think its a great idea for you to seek that out as well. Do you have a therapist in place?

Let us know when you start to hear back from people and what their reactions are. And hang in there! 

 

So far I have knocked a home run out of the park with my letter.   All 5 daughters said they were behind me 100%,  my 1 son said he just needs some time and that he thinks this was "very bizarre",  my cousin, uncle and aunt all wrote wonderful responses, my mom also said she is there 100%,  and all 4 or 5 of my friends were 100% supportive.   Work was also a home run - my company has a Transgender Toolkit which has some processes and we have been working those processes step by step.   I cannot even describe how amazing my company is;  and I can see why they are known as the best diversity company in USA.  I never knew that when I took the offer to stay with them instead of retiring -  I am so glad I did! 

 

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26 minutes ago, Cecilia said:

 

So far I have knocked a home run out of the park with my letter.   All 5 daughters said they were behind me 100%,  my 1 son said he just needs some time and that he thinks this was "very bizarre",  my cousin, uncle and aunt all wrote wonderful responses, my mom also said she is there 100%,  and all 4 or 5 of my friends were 100% supportive.   Work was also a home run - my company has a Transgender Toolkit which has some processes and we have been working those processes step by step.   I cannot even describe how amazing my company is;  and I can see why they are known as the best diversity company in USA.  I never knew that when I took the offer to stay with them instead of retiring -  I am so glad I did! 

 

So glad to hear that, Cecilia. Since the rest of your family is so supportive, I suspect that will help your son to process and understand. We're both doing well so far!

It makes me wish that I'd been able to do this years ago, but I guess like a fine wine I just needed to age a bit. :-)

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3 hours ago, SugarMagnolia said:

So glad to hear that, Cecilia. Since the rest of your family is so supportive, I suspect that will help your son to process and understand. We're both doing well so far!

It makes me wish that I'd been able to do this years ago, but I guess like a fine wine I just needed to age a bit. :-)

I'm an older lady too.  I am 56.  I am also 6'5" so I am going to have a lot of people ask me about being so tall.   I have a bunch of personal goals and surgical goals,  and hopefully when all is said and done I don't feel like I waited too long.  Personally I want to go from 300 lbs down to 180 lbs;  and surgically I want to do my SRS, breast augmentation, FFS, and have my voice repaired.  My timeline is Orchi now and start HRT,  do all the other surgeries in 12-18 months from now,  and have lost the 120 lbs within 2 years from now (1 lb a week).  I am going vegetarian except for fish,  and am ending the use of processed sugar, corn syrup, and bad/useless carbs like pasta and bread.

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You have a great plan! With respect to height, I know a number of gals who are transitioning and are well over 6 feet and they look fantastic. Confidence and happiness goes a long way.

My wife and I have largely eliminated meat and alcohol from our diets and without any other changes I've lost almost 40 pounds over the last year. We do eat some pasta and bread, but always whole grain. I'm close to my goal of 150 pounds (I'm 5'9"), so that feels good.

Your plan sounds like a good, sustainable one. Good luck!

 

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11 hours ago, Cecilia said:

I'm an older lady too.  I am 56.  I am also 6'5" so I am going to have a lot of people ask me about being so tall.   I have a bunch of personal goals and surgical goals,  and hopefully when all is said and done I don't feel like I waited too long.  Personally I want to go from 300 lbs down to 180 lbs;  and surgically I want to do my SRS, breast augmentation, FFS, and have my voice repaired.  My timeline is Orchi now and start HRT,  do all the other surgeries in 12-18 months from now,  and have lost the 120 lbs within 2 years from now (1 lb a week).  I am going vegetarian except for fish,  and am ending the use of processed sugar, corn syrup, and bad/useless carbs like pasta and bread.

You plan sounds very good. Very close to my plan!

I also want to do everything the most quickly possible.

For voice, you could try to train it by yourself, perhaps you won't need any surgery. (I've done a post about how I trained my voice)

Your need for FFS and breast agumentation will depend of how you react to HRT. Some MtF are satisfied about their face and breast after 2 years of HRT.

Your Weight loss plan sounds possible. I Started with 236lbs, today 196lbs. (40lbs lost in 2 months), but I am still far far away from my goal (135lbs). Yes, no alcohol, no sugar is a good way to start. Eating mostly proteines and vegetables is good.

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Most of my coming out stories are like this. Anti-climactic! The most exciting one was another couple who had been our best friends for over a decade, they are Southern Baptists, but REALLY free thinking for that kind of religion! They came back after a couple weeks and wanted to make sure my therapist wasn't the one steering me in the direction of transition! :D I literally laughed at that! And in the case of my sister it was, "I knew you were different, I just didn't know how!" :D I think that, at least for siblings, it's sometimes easier to understand than we expect because they know us so well!

Glad to hear that everything is going well for you all! And I wish I could say that I've eliminated alcohol from my life, but that isn't happening yet. I have managed to lose about 50lbs, but I'm starting to gain it back now. Of course I'm a foodie and can't help myself! Last night I made Rotisserie Cornish Hens wrapped in bacon, mashed potatoes with garlic butter, corn on the cob and a side salad. It was SOOO good! See? I'm making myself hungry again! I'm terrible! :D

Love and Light!

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14 hours ago, MarcieMarie12 said:

Cecilia, avoid beer too, there is a lot of carbs in beers.

 

Thankfully beer has never been an indulgance for me.  If I do have a beer (maybe 2 or 3 bottles per year) I nurse the bottle for an hour or more and throw half of it out.   Only beer flavors I have even been able to tolerate are Kilian's Irish Red and Sam Adams Oktoberfest;  which to me taste almost exactly the same.

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One thing that I'm learning on this journey, whether it's food, alchohol or even financial expenditures is the power of habits. 

I was drinking every day and I was regularly eating desserts, breakfast burritos, meat heavy meals, etc. What has worked really well for me is to change my default to be no alcohol, no/less meat, small healthy breakfasts and so on. I don't tell myself that I won't have those things, but I try to save them more for celebrations or special occasions. 

That's easier said that done, of course, but after six weeks or so the new habits seem to kick in and stop seeming like deprivation and just become the new normal.

Of course, last night I grilled a tri-tip and we had that with grilled polenta and fresh tomato and purple onion, so I definitely haven't given up my carnivorous nature. And don't get me started on miracle that is bacon...

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3 hours ago, Clara84 said:

You plan sounds very good. Very close to my plan!

I also want to do everything the most quickly possible.

For voice, you could try to train it by yourself, perhaps you won't need any surgery. (I've done a post about how I trained my voice)

Your need for FFS and breast agumentation will depend of how you react to HRT. Some MtF are satisfied about their face and breast after 2 years of HRT.

Your Weight loss plan sounds possible. I Started with 236lbs, today 196lbs. (40lbs lost in 2 months), but I am still far far away from my goal (135lbs). Yes, no alcohol, no sugar is a good way to start. Eating mostly proteines and vegetables is good.

 

I am blessed to have my wife here for both moral support and to help keep me on my diet.   My goal is going from 310 to somewhere around 180 depending on how it looks.  I'll know when I get there!  LOL    I am down about 10 lbs from my max of 314,  and I am starting my 3 day cleanse today and then I move onto a vegetarian diet.  My wife is a PA and her passion is biological physiology (that was her academic credentials).  She has always been into bio identical hormone therapy,  HGH, those sorts of Southern California things.   So I am jumping onto her diet once my cleanse is done.  Only down side - I am going to have to learn to like the weird foods she eats and say goodbye to my unhealthy diet.

I am a huge youtube fan of Stef Sanjati and of Allison Faye.  They are younger than me,  but remind me of how I wish I was in my 20s and 30s and I find them to be inspirational to me.

I did a weight adjustment program a few years ago that was nothing short of amazing;  but I failed because I did not accumulate enough recipes.  It was developed by an MD at Cleveland Clinic that is the head of Cardiac Surgery.  It was to stopping and actually reversing heart disease.  Here it is in a nutshell -  it's just a set of rules to live by:

* Nothing with a mother and nothing with a face.  So no meat, no dairy, etc.

* No coconut or avocado;  since both are very high in bad cholesterol.  (I honestly don't miss those 2 items!)

* No processed sugars and no processed carbs.  (I replaced sugar with Truvia / Stevia - worked just fine)

* Limit whole grains and avoid soy as much as possible.  (I moved from white rice to black rice and red rice).

* Limit using sodium on everything.  (When I do use salt, which is rarely,  I use pink salt from Asia).

* Eat often as you want;  but when you do eat try to keep it to about a fistful of food at a time because a human fist is the size of a human stomach that has not been stretched from over-eating.

* Walk for 30 minutes or do yoga for 1 hour 3x a week;  learn to meditate to lower stress.  ( am joining the YMCA to do swimming).

* Most of all - if you slip up just forgive yourself and get back on track.   (This is where I fail.  This is my albatross).

 

 

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18 minutes ago, SugarMagnolia said:

I don't tell myself that I won't have those things, but I try to save them more for celebrations or special occasions. 

This is always a good plan, moderation.  It does involve a good dose of will power though.

Jani

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15 minutes ago, Jani423 said:

This is always a good plan, moderation.  It does involve a good dose of will power though.

Jani

It does at first, but once it's a habit then you stop needing to think about it as much. I do still appreciate one of my favorite Mark Twain quotes (below), though. If you don't have that banana split every once in a while then you're missing out on a lot, I think:

"Everything in moderation, including moderation"

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      good evening   good day at work today.  I did do some things a little out of normal but everything was completed successfully.  As I said earlier, the Asst Mgr was my second today.  I don’t think she was too happy about that.  Several customers asked her where Richard was her answer was the manager cut his hours.  Well that is only part of the story,  his hours were cut just like mine were and several others but in his case he made demands about his hours that couldn’t be met.  But instead of making some non complaining remark about it she made sure to lay it all on the manager, thus throwing the manager under the bus.  Similarly when asked why she hadn’t been at work early mornings, she said she was being punished by the manager.  Well that’s partly true, she wouldn’t do what the manager told her to do so she took her off opening.  But secondarily she didn’t have a car to drive temporarily.  You can’t open the store without a car because who ever opens has tasks that require them to leave the store, so it was  at least partly her own fault.  But she chose to throw the manager under the bus for that.  I think she is asking to be fired for insubordination.  And if the manager gets these conversations off the security tape tomorrow she just might get her wish.   im pretty close to being ready to take the asst position but there isn’t anyone ready to take over my job, at least not at our store.  I suppose the other shift lead could if she is able to work earlier shifts and if the other closers were just a bit more reliable.   Ive been wanting some homefried chicken.  We found a BBQ place not far away that had such a chicken but I is made fresh when ordered so it has a 30 minute wait.  It was worth the wait and the other things we tried were also good.  Another restaurant on the list.  At least half of what we ordered came home for another meal.   i get to sleep in tomorrow, I go to work at 1:30!   Willow
    • Abigail Genevieve
      It was nine thirty.  Saturday morning had rolled around more quickly than Taylor could believe.  She groaned, whined, thought of a million excuses why she should just stay in bed and knock the alarm across the room.  But it would still be going on, and so would the promise to Bob: when the gi came in, she would be in. There it was in its nice package, out where she could not miss it.  Why didn't she hide it?  She shook her head.   Up she got.  Sometimes you just do.  Her hair was a wreck. She patted it down and went to the bathroom.  Nine forty five. Shower later. No make up. She hated kara-tay especially at an ungodly early hour on a Saturday morning. Bagel. Instant coffee.  She was five minutes away when she realized she had forgotten the gi.  Back she went.   Into the dojo.  She had about five minutes to get the gi on.  She attempted to slip in unnoticed and go to the little restroom. Someone barked something out in Japanese or something, and there was a dead silence.  She turned to see what was going on. Both classes were getting into their lines, but everyone, including Bob, was bowing slightly. To her. Bob nodded, and she returned the bow.  Life started again. She was touched.   Bowing three times. Oath. Kata.  She was facing off with Judy as her partner.  Judy looked worried.   "Sometimes you just gotta pick yourself up and try again," Taylor told her. She nodded. "Let's do this."   Lunge punch and lower block.  They traded off like nothing had happened the last weekend.  Lunge punch and middle block. Lunge punch and upper block.  It was kind of like dancing. Taylor enjoyed it.  She wanted to learn more.  Brown-belt Maggie adjusted position of limbs and hips for both Taylor and Judy, telling them when she was about to do something: elbow up a bit".    "How'd you do?" Bob asked her later.  They had both gone home and showered. Now they were in a booth at a fast food place.   "I was kind of disappointed class ended. I was ready for more."   "That's my trooper."   "I'm not allowing you in my apartment until we are married," she said suddenly.   "You think I am a problem?"   "No.  I think you are safe. You passed the test  I am the problem here."   "Okay."   "What did the doctor tell you?"   "It's complicated.  More tests coming.  Like getting into college.  I got a letter back.  It seems there is this big fat M on my transcript and my current picture is not an M type picture.  I have to write a letter and send them notarized proofs and stuff. Just delays. This is a pain. Nothing cut and dried."   "I will say.  I'm glad I'm not transgender."   "Hah. You are pulled into my world.  You are involved in this stuff as much as I am, and, as you put it, of your own free will."   "You are worth it."   "I hope so."   "I know so."      
    • Abigail Genevieve
      On the way back to her desk she was interrupted by six short, urgent conversations that had to be attended to. Then she slipped into the women's room and locked the stall door.  She took a deep breath, then another, and allowed herself to shake for five minutes,  Then deep breathing, ten in and ten out, stretch up, touch the floor, neck rolls and she was fine. She used the toilet and a woman knocked and said, "Taylor, are you okay?"   "Ready to conquer the world!"  on her way out she found her makeup was fine.  Three stalls, two sinks.  If she ever designed a women's room with three stalls, there would be four sinks, with plenty of space to plunk your stuff down between them.   She met a deferential Karen.  "Here is the branding I came up with," she said.  And she went back to working as hard as Brenda and Mary, who looked up worriedly and then went back to the proposal.   Shortly before 5:00 she received an email with the title Consolidation and Compensation.  In it she learned that the position of office manager was eliminated, and the current office manager was to become the chief executive officer. The former CEO, along with the CFO, the chief legal officer, and sundry staff, had been terminated, per the Board of Directors.  Effective immediately everyone would receive a base salary of $20,000 with a commission to be set by the individual's supervisor.  Each supervisor would be given a certain percentage to distribute.  Most functions they had been handled would be outsourced as needed.   "The question of what profit was made last year is frequent enough to be answered.  The company lost over 500,000 in fiscal 2023.  At this point further cuts are not anticipated.  We will be strategically adding positions that will enhance our profits. Hard work is expected of everyone."   Her two web guys had been complaining because their games had been remotely uninstalled.  After the memo came out they were absolutely silent.  That gave her an idea, and after an exchange of emails they were reassigned to maintenance out at the plant, effective tomorrow morning.  There were lots of weeds that needed pulling, if nothing else. That email went out after they left early, for the day.  The maintenance foreman was a no-nonsense type who did not tolerate slacking, and they would learn a thing or two.  This also freed up two spaces for her to put new people.
    • MaeBe
      So…I didn’t know your Facebook avatar was public. So, on my birthday, a couple people used a group avatar message to wish me a happy birthday…and now my Facebook friends can see a short video of my female avatar dancing with an old friend’s and another with my uncle’s avatars. So am I “Facebook out” now? 😬
    • Davie
      No, they are not. Truth wins in the end and this report is full of lies that poison the whole thing: see this: "Dr. Cass Backpedals From Review: HRT, Blockers Should Be Made Available it's said. Dr. Cass's latest statements are likely to cast more doubt on the validity of the study, which has come under fire for disregarding substantial evidence on trans care." https://www.erininthemorning.com/p/dr-cass-backpedals-from-review-hrt?publication_id=994764&post_id=143743897&isFreemail=true&r=rebf4&triedRedirect=true I hope Dr. Cass wins The Mengele Award for it.
    • Adrianna Danielle
      Boyfriend and I went to a support group for spouses dating or married to a transgender person on Tuesday night for the first time.It was amazing meeting other couples like us.One was a genetic woman whom has been dating a transgender male for the first time and she is supporting his transition.Us,they were amazed by us agreeing on something we said,love and acceptance have brought us together
    • Abigail Genevieve
      By which I mean there is a cultural stereotype of what a man is, and one of what a woman is.  Even worse, of what a transgender person is.   You be you.   I read of a boy who thought he was a girl because he did not adhere to some (rather toxic) conceptions of what it means to be a man, so he decided he was a girl.  He was told he didn't have to conform to stereotype and got happy. "You mean I don't have to transition?" He didn't want to, and was relieved.   Once upon a time if you were transgender they told you either you transition or die.   Incorporate the best of what it means to be a man and the best of what it means to be a woman as much as you possibly can, and let the rest go.  Be fully human. Be alive. Don't conform to some cultural crud.
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