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Without make-up


Clara84

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Some people told me I can pass without make up. I absolute don't believe them.

I do notice some nice changes on my face.

The no make-up picture, just 20 minutes after waking up.

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Today I tried to go out with much lighter make-up than usually.

I am not sure I passed because I haven't met a lot of people. But no one has been weird-looking at me.

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Personally I think you pass perfectly fine in the first picture. The second one is nice too. I stopped wearing even my concealer, which was usually the only make-up I used unless I was going out to a special event, a couple months ago.

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It's amazing. But I don't feel confident yet without heavy make-up. Some friends told me I look like a Barbie when I do heavy makeup. (It's not a compliment, but almost Barbie is a girl ;-) )

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  • Admin

Based on your no-make-up picture and the one under it, I would suggest going for one shade darker on your foundation, but maybe too as a creme compact type instead of a liquid.  The purpose of the foundation is to even out, and not hide your complexion color, and if it is too light, it does give the "china doll" effect that I think your friends are talking about.  Make the color a little more matte. Your eyes in the lower picture are fine for evening wear, but for the day, use eye shadow that is two or three shades darker than your foundation but in a more tan color and it will tone down the heaviness they are talking about. Go for a brown eyeliner on the top eyelid and forget the mascara.   I really think your hair in the top picture looks great and should be your normal wear that way,  Some of your pictures have shown too many sparkly hair clips and pins which keep your hair from helping to shape your face which it does in the top picture.  A warm, secure smile also adds a sparkle to your face.  You are not trying to put on a mask, which many of us feel we need to in our early stages, you are taking a very nice face and making it show our inner person who is softer and yet more color rich that we have shown in our lives.   

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  • Forum Moderator

In my opinion the first picture is best for everyday. Where I live very few women wear more than a touch of makeup during the day. The first picture is a more natural look, which is more usual. Here you would totally stand out as in the second pic, except perhaps in the city centre.

Almost no women here would wear such heavy use of mascara other than to a night club / evening out. It is similar with the glittery eyshadow as well. The recommendations I have found over the years are for just the upper lashes in the daytime, using brown other than black in moderation (if at all). Eyshadow being more sudued.

My approach these days for daily wear is for some foundation (as it includes sunscreen and evens things out). Eyebrow colour (my brows are trimmed short and fairly colourless), a touch of mascara on upper lashes only and a fairly non obvious lipstick (pink or subdued red). I do attempt to cover any shadow above my upper lip. I am somewhat older so I try to keep things low key (although I am sometimes a bit outgoing so totally get it wrong :D ). Depending on your location things may be Ok but one thing to notice is what are other women of your age where you are wearing?

Tracy

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1 hour ago, VickySGV said:

Based on your no-make-up picture and the one under it, I would suggest going for one shade darker on your foundation, but maybe too as a creme compact type instead of a liquid.  The purpose of the foundation is to even out, and not hide your complexion color, and if it is too light, it does give the "china doll" effect that I think your friends are talking about.  Make the color a little more matte. Your eyes in the lower picture are fine for evening wear, but for the day, use eye shadow that is two or three shades darker than your foundation but in a more tan color and it will tone down the heaviness they are talking about. Go for a brown eyeliner on the top eyelid and forget the mascara.   I really think your hair in the top picture looks great and should be your normal wear that way,  Some of your pictures have shown too many sparkly hair clips and pins which keep your hair from helping to shape your face which it does in the top picture.  A warm, secure smile also adds a sparkle to your face.  You are not trying to put on a mask, which many of us feel we need to in our early stages, you are taking a very nice face and making it show our inner person who is softer and yet more color rich that we have shown in our lives.   

Ok I'll try all of these. But some advice you give sounds difficult.

I feel naked without mascara...

The only day my hair was in natural style like on the picture I didn't pass well. Perhaps it has nothing to do with hair. And it was preHRT. But each time I have a "fail" I try to identify the problem and avoid to reproduce it. Perhaps I'm doing total false...

Your conclusion is the main issue. I still don't accept my apparence so I do add makeup until I see another person.

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You'll drive yourself crazy if you try to adjust something every time you get clocked. I can go a month without getting clocked and suddenly boom it happens. What ever the reason it probably won't be the same as the next time. 100% if the first pic was your Facebook profile pic and not posted her, I'd never think that you were a trans woman.

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44 minutes ago, tracy_j said:

In my opinion the first picture is best for everyday. Where I live very few women wear more than a touch of makeup during the day. The first picture is a more natural look, which is more usual. Here you would totally stand out as in the second pic, except perhaps in the city centre.

Almost no women here would wear such heavy use of mascara other than to a night club / evening out. It is similar with the glittery eyshadow as well. The recommendations I have found over the years are for just the upper lashes in the daytime, using brown other than black in moderation (if at all). Eyshadow being more sudued.

My approach these days for daily wear is for some foundation (as it includes sunscreen and evens things out). Eyebrow colour (my brows are trimmed short and fairly colourless), a touch of mascara on upper lashes only and a fairly non obvious lipstick (pink or subdued red). I do attempt to cover any shadow above my upper lip. I am somewhat older so I try to keep things low key (although I am sometimes a bit outgoing so totally get it wrong :D ). Depending on your location things may be Ok but one thing to notice is what are other women of your age where you are wearing?

Tracy

Other woman of my age.. on daily basis I would say

50% nothing

25% light makeup

20% average (like on my 2nd picture above)

5% heavy makeup (like on some of my other pictures)

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27 minutes ago, TexasLibraryLady said:

You'll drive yourself crazy if you try to adjust something every time you get clocked. I can go a month without getting clocked and suddenly boom it happens. What ever the reason it probably won't be the same as the next time. 100% if the first pic was your Facebook profile pic and not posted her, I'd never think that you were a trans woman.

Last time was 2,5 weeks ago for me. And Yes I drive myself crazy, you're right.

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2 hours ago, Clara84 said:

I feel naked without mascara...

OK, I know the feeling, but possibly use a brown or chocolate brown, and a little less of the length and weight.  If something draws attention to you on one detail, others will be seen and that is where it goes downhill.

2 hours ago, Clara84 said:

The only day my hair was in natural style like on the picture I didn't pass well. Perhaps it has nothing to do with hair.

That would be my guess, because it was not the hair that I would say was calling attention to you.  My hair has gotten finer on HRT, and one of the items I was warned about was over-washing my hair.  Today I wash my hair only about once a week, but on two other days I rinse it and use a creme conditioner that I rinse out after a few minutes, let dry without combing, but when it is dry, I use a spray leave in conditioner / detangler and it does look more full.  I let mine just hang most of the time after that,

 

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Guest ZombieDracula

I, personally, wouldn't give you a second look wondering if you were also trans if I saw you in either picture. 

I'm also AFAB and have no idea what my actual gender is, but for makeup - I agree with sparkly eyeshadow for night time events like clubbing and such. On the (extremely) rare occasion that I wear makeup, I like the eyeshadow that has a base, lid, and brow colors (all being different but matching).

Also, you look good in both. :) 

- ZD

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Sorry for the multi post..

There also are some makeup I put  on just because I LOVE it. I love glitter. I love pink colors. So it's for pleasure too.

I notice all of you are saying I do pass on the first picture?!?!.  It's one of the worst picture I have! No makeup, tired eyes because it was just after waking up.

It begins with my wife who said she didn't see the boy anymore. I posted this picture FOR FUN on reddit and asked people to gender me. Nobody said male. Some said "hard to tell/androgynous " and all the others said female. I didn't trust that it sound impossible. Then I posted here.. same results. 

I do notice some changes on my face but for me I definitely look 100% male. I must admit it can be false...

How is it possible? I am only 5,5 weeks on HRT. 

In other terms, you mean it begins to be difficult to pass as male?  That sounds too good to be true.

but I need to do a kind of transition in my head to adapt my feelings and my confidence to this new wonderful reality. In my mind it still sounds "Clara, you're a trans girl, yo do have an ugly male face, put a lot of make-up to correct that fact or you will never pass" I will follow your services, thank you everybody. But it would take days/weeks to have some confidence with a more natural look.

Tonight I was out with very light make-up (even less than on the 2nd picture above). I was at a school's party where almost 50% of the people know I am a trans woman. So I can't tell if I "passed". But I didn't feel good at all, no confidence at all about my look. And everybody knows that if we are not confident or afraid about not passing, people would notice and we won't pass, even with the best look.

The only "test" I've done was when I used the bathroom, there were some old ladies who certainty didn't know me in the bathroom, they didn't have any reaction just said me "good evening" so it seemed to be OK but in my head it's not.

Other question.. I have a very masculine body shape (no hips, tiny (fake) breast, and enormous belly - I am now 200lbs for 5'6") so I also think it would be better if all the attention goes to my FACE and not to my body, wouldn't it?

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  • Admin

I guess its time for me to post a recent picture here and maybe you will feel better about yourself. :eek:     This is one in my gallery where if a girl's figure is not the best, nothing is going to be.  The date on the picture itself is wrong by a few years, it was actually taken on Jan 21, 2013.  Six days after a significant piece of surgery, gallery_14243_2031_265043.jpg

 

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Guest Lizzie McTrucker

I mean, just my opinion, but I like the top picture, but if you like wearing makeup and it's something you enjoy doing because you want to, by all means wear makeup. Your light makeup would be my regular every day makeup, but we each have our own preferences for what we like and what we want to wear. :)

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It does take some time to figure out what works, what you need, and what you don't need. I drop eyeliner, and keep mascara in my everyday look. For eyeshadow I usually go for a mid tone.

The biggest thing I do is what makes me comfortable. Tomorrow I am going to have a little fun with my eye shadow pallate for going to a party with some friends. I don't usually mess with contouring because I don;t think it does much for me.

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Hello everybody

Thank you for all your feedbacks. It's very nice to help me.

You're all right, going to the supermarket with heavy evening make-up looks too gaudy, but I had to do this to have some confidence.

Now, I realize that I can look female also with more natural look. Today I just put some foundation (no foundation isn't an option because of the beard shadow), little powder, very light blush. For the eyes I use light eye-shadow and less mascara than usually. Lips, only volumizer (no color). Basically a daily basis makeup like others woman who likes to make-up, but not too much.

No specific hairstyle, just natural like on the pic above.

I wear a basic black top and an above the knee skirt. Just casual look.

It seemed to pass well. People gendered me correctly without any doubt. Even an unknown middle aged woman told me "madam, you're very beautiful, I like seeing beautiful women like you" it was very nice and it makes me feel more confident.IMG_20170624_140641-416x555.jpg.3c8e2b6b1bd120d0c1efb45f31ac988b.jpg

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Clara, you look lovely in all the pictures you've posted! I've got the opposite worries about my body than you do, I'm all hips and don't like it one bit, but I've been trying to remember that lots of cis men have somewhat wide hips like me and some cis women have quite narrow hips! We all work so hard to fit into an idealized body shape, but if you stop to think about it very few cis people even fit those ideal standards completely. I hope that with time you can see the same you that we all see and feel more confident more often. :) 

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1 hour ago, ChickenLittle said:

Clara, you look lovely in all the pictures you've posted! I've got the opposite worries about my body than you do, I'm all hips and don't like it one bit, but I've been trying to remember that lots of cis men have somewhat wide hips like me and some cis women have quite narrow hips! We all work so hard to fit into an idealized body shape, but if you stop to think about it very few cis people even fit those ideal standards completely. I hope that with time you can see the same you that we all see and feel more confident more often. :) 

Yes,Mother nature hadn't been nice with us. You're FTM and you've wide hips like I as MTF dream to have

I hope to feel more confident soon. This topic already helped me a lot, and my today's experience added a bit of confidence. But it's still not perfect. And I know the next time I would be clocked (I know it will happen), it will go back to zero. 

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Clara, you are a beautiful woman! I know it's hard to see, I've been on HRT for eight months and only last night was I finally able to look in the mirror and not see a man. I still don't think I look female unless I put on a ton of makeup, but I've been gendered as a woman without makeup AND 5 o'clock shadow! I wouldn't worry about it if I were you, you blend in perfectly even without makeup! But if you are worried about it, try these two videos. It's all about what works best on YOUR face, because everyone's face is different. It's not about going heavy, it's about accenting the right things. I think you are beautiful the way you are, but if you nail the makeup you will look absolutely stunning!

 

 

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12 hours ago, Cindy Truheart said:

Clara, you are a beautiful woman! I know it's hard to see, I've been on HRT for eight months and only last night was I finally able to look in the mirror and not see a man. I still don't think I look female unless I put on a ton of makeup, but I've been gendered as a woman without makeup AND 5 o'clock shadow! I wouldn't worry about it if I were you, you blend in perfectly even without makeup! But if you are worried about it, try these two videos. It's all about what works best on YOUR face, because everyone's face is different. It's not about going heavy, it's about accenting the right things. I think you are beautiful the way you are, but if you nail the makeup you will look absolutely stunning!

 

Hi Cindy.

What you wrote is exactly how I feel, same as you. Most people do see a woman but I still see a man.

And doing heavy makeup is a way for us to avoid accepting our real appearance.

I switched to lighter makeup on Friday and it seems to pass well, but it's still hard to accept for me. I know it will be some days when I will feel too boyish and I will redo heavier makeup.

Yesterday I went to a party and some friends also noticed that my face has changed, even one who has seen me one week ago told me I really looked more feminine. That's nice but it's still very hard to believe.

Last night you saw a woman in the mirror, that's great. I think it's a big step. I hope I will see the same in a few time.

Acceptance of our real image is something which takes some time. But being gendered correctly without ant makeup should have boosted your confidence. That's sound great for you. You're doing well and I admire your courage.

I also have a big discrepancy about my age. I'm 32 but I don't accept that and since I began HRT I feel much younger. It must be the puberty effect. I will never be a teen again. I lived that teen period in the wrong gender and I regret it very deeply.

Therefore I sometimes do or want to do things like very young girls, like putting little bows in my hair, dressing all pink, glitter everywhere...

When I got clocked last thursday at the gas station. I was wearing a pink T-shirt with plenty of hearts. A fuschia belt. A pink bow in my hair and some flower pins. Pink glitter on my eyes a lot of foundation and blush. I loved that look, but now I understand it was too much.

I transformed the bedroom into a "princess room" ;-) I bought the curtains in the kids section and I am not ashamed of this.

Also when I do shopping I take a look at kids/young teen section and thought "if only I could wear this". Looking at those outfits that I couldn't wear because it was forbidden and now I can't wear because I'm too old. This makes me sad and even sometimes crying.

I love being very girly and I sometimes doing too much. Perhaps I should keep such things at home and be the 32yo woman outside.

Thank you for the tutorials I will try to improve my make-up. I also booked a makeup session with a specialist in a few days.

You've all more experience than me and I must learn from my errors too. 

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In my opinion things take time. It takes time to become confident in who you are. Having lived many years in a male role things will not seem natural for some time being female and knowing it.

I was thinking yesterday about an incident the other day in which a pair of younger women may or may not have been amused at me checking out clothes on the racks at a local supermarket. I don't know as it really just brushed over me. It is so long now since I have shopped for male clothing (the last time being a pair of shoes in a closing down sale  - and there the assistant did not think they were for me), that it would matter not whether I had adverse reaction as I would be less than confident with male clothing either. It is just natural to be in the female section!

Tracy

 

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54 minutes ago, tracy_j said:

In my opinion things take time. It takes time to become confident in who you are. Having lived many years in a male role things will not seem natural for some time being female and knowing it.

I was thinking yesterday about an incident the other day in which a pair of younger women may or may not have been amused at me checking out clothes on the racks at a local supermarket. I don't know as it really just brushed over me. It is so long now since I have shopped for male clothing (the last time being a pair of shoes in a closing down sale  - and there the assistant did not think they were for me), that it would matter not whether I had adverse reaction as I would be less than confident with male clothing either. It is just natural to be in the female section!

Tracy

 

You're right Tracy, I need time. I used to use makeup as "crutch" to improve confidence.

Being seen as female is our goal. But we also need to get used to.

Shopping in the female section is also natural for me; but I am still a little afraid when the sales woman talk to me. Last time, they had some problems with the computer and I couldn't pay for my clothes immediatly. The sales woman introduce the conversation with me during the waiting time. It was a long conversation; about 20 minutes of talking of where we lives, weather, etc... It was a little bit scary but a really good experience. I still do sometimes forget that : women like to talk with other women.

Being seen as female my other men is also something I needed to get used to. They do look at me like they look at all the girls. Some find me attractive and stop me to tell it to me. (some are really not shy to do that) This still sound strange to me.

If I compare to my previous life in the male role. shopping was a torture. I felt bad and "not at the right place" in the male section. (and also felt "banned" from the female section)  I was always seeking for the most basic, dark and sad piece of clothing they have. Cause I always wanted to hide me with clothes.

I also noticed the context do affect our passing.

Shopping in the female section => 100% pass (no one expect to see a man here)

Alone with kid(s) => 100% pass (directly identified as the mother)

With my wife and kids => I don't pass very well (two mothers isn't very common in my country, so people do more "checks")

In the morning => 100% pass (a man wouldn't crossdress and go out early in the morning)

In the evening => Less passing (some crossdressers go out in the evening)

10 years ago, I was working in a customer center, where 95% of the employees were women. I was often the only "male" present. There I got sometimes called "Madam" by some customers; those customers didn't looked at me, they were just used to say "Good Morning Madam" in that place because it was a woman's job. That was funny.

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8 hours ago, Clara84 said:

I also have a big discrepancy about my age. I'm 32 but I don't accept that and since I began HRT I feel much younger. It must be the puberty effect. I will never be a teen again. I lived that teen period in the wrong gender and I regret it very deeply.

Therefore I sometimes do or want to do things like very young girls, like putting little bows in my hair, dressing all pink, glitter everywhere...

When I got clocked last thursday at the gas station. I was wearing a pink T-shirt with plenty of hearts. A fuschia belt. A pink bow in my hair and some flower pins. Pink glitter on my eyes a lot of foundation and blush. I loved that look, but now I understand it was too much.

I transformed the bedroom into a "princess room" ;-) I bought the curtains in the kids section and I am not ashamed of this.

I think all of this go through what you describe to a certain degree. I'm 42 now and trust me, I cried and cried and cried for the time I've lost. I had been repressing and denying for over twenty years, when I woke up and the memories started coming back to me I finally had an explanation for what I am and why I've always felt different.

I have a fascination with the color pink that borders on obsession and I absolutely go crazy for sparkly things! It's okay, it's part of the process. Eventually you will learn to tone things down a bit, don't worry about it too much. You will slowly "age" mentally so that your mind and body catch up with each other. You will always lament the time you lost to a certain degree, but moving past that is the only way to live your life in the here and now. Oh, and I wanted a princess bedroom set as well, but my wife squashed it! :D

If you want to blend in, just tone it down a bit. Adult women get a pass on the girly stuff as long as they don't go overboard. But if you don't care to blend in, then do what you want to do and ignore everyone else! But mostly, in all things, enjoy the freedom of being yourself!

Love and Light!

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The other documents would be easy to change. She waited in a waiting room.  They gave her lunch at noon, and at 2:00 the discharge papers finally arrived. "I will need some way to get home." "He's downstairs in the lobby.  You can meet him there." "Great." ----------------------------------------------------- "What are we going to do about Marketing?"  this was the Chairman of the Board.  He had been asking this for years. This Saturday afternoon the Board had dropped their golf game in light of the sudden drop in sales.  This was not quite an emergency, but close. There was debate.  They finally agreed that since Gibson had been given something that they now considered a raw deal, and turned it into a cash cow for the company anyway, he deserved promotion.  They needed to ramp up Marketing  and Sales because the traditional products were market laggers now and there was pressure to open up the forty acres of industrial facilities they had closed when the jobs went to China.  They needed to find a way to create jobs. Gibson would be moved from Marketing to be the new Vice President of Marketing and Sales. A key job would be identifying new markets they could enter and expanding product appeal. "So who gets his job?" Discussion. Obviously it needed a college graduate.  There was only one in Marketing, this Taylor person.  Should they promote a transgender?  HR spoke up and said that since she was the only one in Marketing with a degree, it would be almost a fatal flaw not to promote her if they could.  Policy was to always promote from within if possible. She was beginning to work on her Master's. Point in her favor.  She brought fresh, young blood to the company. Another point.  Everyone liked her. Quick learner. Sharp. Emotionally stable.  Positive. They had confidence in her, even if she was new to the company, that she could handle the job.  When could HR have the paperwork ready?  Good. This would be announced first thing Monday morning. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bob found himself at a loss as to what to do with himself.  He made himself coffee with the new coffee maker and the new coffee, made a PBJ with the new bread, the new PB and the new jelly, and ate an apple, all at the new table.  It was almost like she was there.  He even did the dishes and put the clean ones in the dish rack and made his bed.   He threw himself into work that could have waited for Monday.  He worked on a financial projection and his personal budget and then went over to the hospital. No, he would not be allowed to see her.  She was fine. Don't worry.   He went for a walk this nice spring day.  He just happened to walk around the hospital, hoping she would be standing at a window somewhere. Nope.  He ate a TV dinner she had bought him and tinkered with his motorcycle and went to bed.   The next day he ate a breakfast that happened to be there from the stuff Taylor had bought, which made him miss her even more.  He went to the church they had visited Wednesday night, partly because he was curious, but mainly to sit next to the chair she had sat in Wednesday night, as if that would make her appear.   Worship was similar to Wednesday night and Brother Mike spoke.  Before he began he saw Bob and in surprise said, "Sir, I wanted to catch you Wednesday night but I didn't. Can  I ask you please to stay afterwards and come up here and talk to me?" That was fine with Bob.  They also had information no one in town had.   The sermon, altar call and closing song over, Bob made his way to the front. Brother Mike came over to him.  "Sir,I want to ask your forgiveness for want it must have seemed like to you Wednesday night.  And on behalf of my wife, for Tuesday. She had Taylor confused with someone else.  Will you forgive us?" Quite the start.  "Sure." "In 2015 I was the youth pastor at Hutton Church." [Hutton is a little village outside of Roosevelt, consisting of a church, half a dozen houses, a gas station and a Dollar General Store. The kids go to Roosevelt schools.] "Small world." "I remember there was a terrible assault on one of the youth at the high school, and there was a prayer campaign for that boy. He made a full recovery.  I recall a number of  news articles even though the family requested privacy.  I remember a Bob being mentioned as a close friend of the assaulted.  You strongly resemble him, and I am puzzled by your companion. She looks like the boy a lot.  That is why I kept looking in your direction.  Not in accusation." "She was him." "Really." "This is the same Taylor people are talking about - who changed from male to female?" "I think she was never a male, actually." "Really.  Well, I didn't build this church by accusing anyone or making anyone feel bad, and I think both those things happened with you and - Taylor.  I want you to know you are welcome here.  If there is anything I can do to help, let me know.  Did you know that over half this church came forward Wednesday night with sexual issues of one sort or another?  You are not alone. Excuse me, that is presumptuous, that you have such issues. I have no right to pry.  But thank you for coming back."   Not bad, Bob thought. Not bad at all.    A quick fast food lunch and he was at the hospital.  Was she being discharged? He was her ride, so they were willing to tell him. He could wait. And he did.        
    • Adrianna Danielle
      Was excited today,my new toolbox has been shipped out,Snap On dealer told me this.It took this long since it was ordered to get it.My other co workers and I were right about the new employee that started yesterday,He was fired this afternoon.Was on his phone again and boss caught him do it.Plus he did call me an offensive word,the C word my boss hates.I did report that to my boss.My boss believes in treating women right
    • Sally Stone
      ss,   I can't say that my image in the mirror has helped me understand why I am bi-gender.  I'm pretty certain the reason I identify as bi-gender  has to do with how I feel inside.  About mirrors though, I do clearly see my inner woman when I look at myself in the mirror.  
    • MaeBe
    • Abigail Genevieve
      The tornado called Taylor ripped through Bob's apartment. After a trip to a laundromat, two trips to grocery stores for cleaning supplies and what Taylor opined were Basic Staples, everything was scrubbed within an inch of its life.  A new dish  drainer with a new hand towel and dish cloth were by the side of the scrubbed out sink; motorcycle parts were in a box under the newly made bed.  Floor, shower, toilet, sink had been hit in the bathroom and new towels hung there the way Taylor liked them. "I don't recognize the place/" "So move out." Taylor was sitting on one of the new kitchen chairs.  There were four of them around the little wooden table.  In the middle was a flower arrangement.  Bob had made his last trip to the dumpster.  Not a pizza box remained. A row of card board boxes with books had been replaced by shelves full of neatly arranged books. "Look at this." "I am not going to do this all the time.  You clean your own place from now on. I am bushed." "Many thanks, babe." "No problem, Big Guy." "Hey, I wanted to talk to you about exercise.  Karate in particular."  He pronounced it ka-ra-tay. "I am a second Dan black belt and there is a certain obligation there to teach other people." "Kara-tay? I don't know." "A friend of mine runs a dojo here and needs my help. He talked to me already.  Tuesday and Thursday night and Saturday mornings." "Oh.  So you will be there then." She looked disappointed. "I'm hoping you will be there." "Sounds dangerous.  But I could use the exercise." "And self-defense would be good. It might help." "It might. Huh.  Saturday morning?" "8 AM I need to be there. Classes run until noon. I don't need to be there the whole time." "Is there an intro class or anything?" "Yes. 10 to 11." "How about if I try that."  She was not very enthusiastic.  Punches and kicks and stuff.   Saturday morning they arrived together.  She wanted to watch the Green Belt class that met then just to see what she was in for. Sensei Mark came to the front of the room, before the big American and Japanese flags. Between them was a picture.  "I am honored to introduce to you Sensei Bob.  He is a second Dan black belt.  He has actually beaten me in tournaments.  I have known him through tournaments.  You will listen to him as you listen to me.   Sensei Bob, take the class. The two sensei bowed to each other.  Sensei Bob pointed out that Sensei Mark had beaten him, as well. Taylor was sort of standing against the back wall, scrunched up, a mouse in her crisp new beltless gi.  Her t-shirt was off white underneath it and she was hoping no one would notice. "I am Sensei Mark. You are Taylor." "Yes, sensei!" she stood at attention and shouted it. He laughed.  "This is not Cobra Kai and we are not in a Karate Kind movie.  You do that here only between bows.  Bob tells me you are a complete beginner." "That is an understatement." "Here, let me fix your gi."  She had it on a little incorrectly.  She drew back. "What's the matter?" "I am pretty touchy." "Okay.  Untie the straps in front and tie them the other way, like mine." "I don't have a belt." "There. That is right. You will get a belt after three months and passing tests on kata, kumite and karate knowledge." "I don't know what that is." "And we touch a lot here.  Not romantically. You see how Sensei Bob is going around and adjusting people's stances and arm locations." "Yes, I see that." No enthusiasm. "You are Sensei Bob's girl, right?" "Yes.  What is important to him is important to me, so here I am."  He wished her well and told her to go see Margie, who handled registration at the little table. "Hi, I heard about you." Margie began. "What does that mean?" "It means we treat everyone here with respect.  That was the wrong way to start." "I'll say. Try again." "Good morning. How can I help you?" "I want to register for the beginner class." "You are Taylor, right?" "Right." "Sensei Bob paid for your lesson today." He would. She gave name, address, age, height, weight, and they came to gender. Margie asked it twice. "Put down female." "The only other choice is male." "Then that is it." "Earlier I was thinking about tournaments, which are big here. The rules are that boys fight boys and girls fight girls - there are Men's and Women's Divisions.  I know you look like a woman, but they go by the birth certificate." This was awkward.  Really awkward.  Down at the other end of the room they were moving in unison when Bob said HAI!, turning, punching, kicking, etc. "I don't plan to go to tournaments.  One step at a time, shall we?" "Okay.  And I meant it when I said respect.  We bow to each other.  You will see. As a sign of honoring other people." Margie bowed slightly, sitting down.  Taylor returned the bow and smiled. The class moved into sparring, breaking into twos and practicing moves against each other.  Bob was moving among the pairs, adjusting positions of hands, hips, feet.  Taylor was unsure about someone touching her like that, her hips particularly.    The green belt class ended as new students came in for the beginners' class. Down at the other end the brown belt class began.  The room was large enough you could do two classes at the same time.   The other beginners, nervous, lined up at Margie's table.  People got into gis, the men in their big area and only woman in the little restroom that was for them.   Sensei Mark greeted them and showed them where to stand: on the little x's on the floor. He explained the School Code.  They would recite it at the beginning of class and they needed to memorize it for the white belt test, at which time they would, of course, receive a white belt. He explained some terms.    They warmed up with some basic, easy stretches.   They learned a kata called Taikyoku Shodan, involving blocks, punches and some movements. This was not bad.   She was now paired off with Judy.  Things were going well and this was not too bad. Judy was sixty years old and had been told to exercise by her doctor.  Taylor said her boyfriend was teaching the other class, which was impressive, and he wanted her involved.   "You remember the gedan barai - downward block?"  They did. Everyone showed him and he went around and made sure everyone had it down. "And the lunge punch?"  They did. "Now we are going to put them together. One of you will punch and the other block it. Okay?"   Taylor squared off against Judy.  Her heart was pounding.  She practiced her gedan barai as Judy practiced her lower lunge punch.  Then they faced each other. "Okay, first partner, lunge punch.  Second partner, lower block.  Slowly.  Go!" Taylor saw the punch coming at her, but instead of blocking it her eyes welled up with tears and she dropped to the floor, weeping uncontrollably. "Oh God, Oh, God, Oh God, make it stop, make it stop" she shouted to parties unseen. Fetal position, rocking back and forth. Crying hysterically. "I didn't go near her," Judy said, bewildered. "Taylor?"  this was Sensei Bob.  Both classes had stopped and were looking at her. She kept crying. "I am here, "Bob told her, not touching.  "Oh Bob you need a wife who can be a real woman to you. I am making you into a monk or something." And she continued crying at full volume. "You need someone better than me, someone who can give you kids." Everyone could hear this.  They were turning away, trying to pretend they could not hear this. "I need to get her out of here and take her." Bob said, and he and Mark bowed to each other. He scooped her up and she bawled into his shoulder.  She clung to him.  First hug ever. Death grip, more like it. "Judy, would you get her things?" "I did nothing," Judy said, and moved towards the restroom, stunned.  "Nothing." "I know what she was wearing," Margie said, and got them. "I've got a gym bag. It 's red and it says Roosters on it. Can you get it? Mark got it.  He accompanied them to the car.  Taylor was non-stop crying deeply, clinging to him for dear life. Mark unlocked the car and together they managed to pry Taylor off of him, even though it took both of them to do it.  She was in the car seat and they managed to buckle her in it. "I am going to take you to your apartment," he said. "No. Emergency room," she said. "Maybe the psych ward."  He didn't doubt it. She calmed down in a few minutes on the way. "Well, that was embarrassing." "Everyone remembers their first day of karate class." "Bob, what I love about you is your sense of humor." "I love everything about you." "Even this?" "Yes. Even this." She managed to walk into the ER.  They were both still in gis. "Karate accident?" "No. I am Taylor and I am a nut. I wear a gi all the time. I make my boyfriend wear one, too." "She had a triggered event.  She's had some difficult times." "I see. Do you you know are bleeding?" "No."  Her crotch was wet with blood and the blood was seeping down both legs. She was wheeled away. "Sir, please wait here." He did.  He had no legal right to see her right now. After a while a nurse came out and said he could come on  back. There she was in a hospital gown.  "Seems like old times." "yeah.  We gotta stop meeting like this." The nurse buzzed around and left them. "They are running tests." "I bet they are." "I got an MRI. On a Saturday morning, too."  First ever. "You rate.  But why?" "They figure some of the old scar tissue - you know, from the- from the past - ripped open and they need to see what is going on." "We know what is going on,"said a doctor, stepping in. He looked at her. "I am Doctor Michaels.  They called me in.  I just happened to be in the building and they wanted me to see this and take the case.  My specialty is Disorders of Sexual Development. But what I am seeing is little in the way of disorder.  Look at this." They looked at the image. "This is a perfectly ordinary uterus." "Uterus?" "Yes, your uterus." "What?" "That is not all.  This is a cervix, and this is a vagina." "It's blocked up." "Yes.  It looks like you had surgery to do exactly that when you were an infant.  They used to do that." "This is me?" "You." "Really?" "I imagine this takes some getting used to. "Can it be undone?" "Absolutely. I mean, I cannot guarantee it, but it is more than likely. I would like to run some tests." "And the bleeding?" "It looks like the hormones you have been taking have kicked of a regular monthly cycle. Then you did a whole bunch of exercise.  Not surprising." "What?" "I want you to come to my office next week for follow-up.  Have you ever had a genetic test of any sort?" "No." "Well, your testes - one looks at first glance more like an ovary." "Ovary. Can I have kids?" "Too soon to tell.  You look happy." She did.  "Bob, you look stunned." "I am." "Given what happened earlier today we want to keep you overnight for observation.  I understand you are a trauma victim and something triggered it." "I got a punch thrown at me in kara-tay class, is all. I am a wimp." "Well, I will let you two talk for a minute and they will come and get you shortly.  No bad news here." "They are coming to take me away, hah-hah, they are coming to take me away," Taylor chanted. "Bob, I am not done with kara-tay.  I want to at least finish a first class. I mean, you paid for it and I want you to get your money's worth." "I think I got that." "Kiss me, you fool,"  she said, and he did, with energy.        
    • April Marie
      These arrived in yesterday's mail. I'm out working in the yard today so just old clothes. I'm looking forward to wearing this t-shirt dress when the weather warms up a bit more.  
    • missyjo
      Ashley I've known busty girls who wore b nice bras tl work n such then like a sift sports bra to lounge or sleep in hugs
    • missyjo
      your nails b hair came wonderful  congratulations  enjoy
    • Willow
      The one thing about this position, if you want more hours just wait and be flexible.  I’m now working until 7:30 pm instead of 4:30.  
    • Ashley0616
      I hope your head cold goes away soon! Sorry you have to cut grass with that.   Love the new t-shirt   I love that one.    What Jeep would you want to get? That is awesome about your wife getting better!
    • Ashley0616
      Welcome Mattie! I would recommend the first step is finding a gender therapist and see if you are or aren't. Then one of the biggest steps if you are do you want to start hormone replacement therapy. The decision should be thought long and hard. There are irreversible effects. Looking forward to your next post! Take care!
    • Ashley0616
      Congratulations on being able to pick up a cancellation! I hope to hear more updates about your transition. 
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