Wondering why I try.

[Cindy Truheart]

I've spent $1,000 at my new doctor's office in the past 3 months. $600 for blood work because they had to test me for every &#%-ing sexually transmitted disease there is despite the fact that I've been in a committed, monogamous relationship for thirteen years! And then I got snagged for $200 for each of my office visits. I'm supposed to be scheduling a follow up visit, but they keep canceling my appointments after I spend days logging in to the system two or three times each day because my doctor is apparently so popular I can't get an afternoon appointment! And I NEED an afternoon appointment so I can keep my job, which apparently pays me just a nose hair too much to qualify for assistance of any kind! And then there is my appointment with the mental health facility, which I'm being told by my insurance company, MAY or may NOT be covered, it depends!! If it isn't covered I'm looking at something like $1200-1400 out of pocket for THAT! And because we're trying to sort out my medication, get me on the shot and adjust some things, it means I have to keep going BACK! Of course then there is MY WIFE'S medical problems as well! We were looking into getting her a lap band or gastric bypass, but instead she wanted to try a diet plan except that the BOTTLE OF PILLS COST $350! For one month!! And it isn't like I don't have insurance here! All of these numbers are AFTER they've paid their share!

We sold our home to move out here because they actually had transgender health care and we knew it would be more accepting. We had $18,000 from the sale of that home and we knew that it would take some money to get us set up. But then a hail storm totaled my car and we had other things happen. But it was okay, because we knew it would take some time and some money and we were SOOOO thankful we had both of those things. And we always said that once the dust settled whatever was left over from that money would be used toward my surgery fund. Well now it's less than $4k and with our current monthly bills just for medical costs we are going in to the red every month! Even if I stop having a doctor's office visit every month, my prescriptions put us right at the brink! And that isn't even BEGINNING to address the fact that I'm having extreme pain with arousal! I started HRT in October, the pain started in December, and it hasn't lessened in the slightest! I guess I need to just give up on ever having sex again while the world hates me for being a sexual deviant?! How about that for irony?!

So I'm sitting here wondering why  I'm even trying. My surgery fund is getting flushed down the medical industry toilet and the chances are we're going to have to use the rest of it for car repairs before it's all said and done anyway! Great. Perfect. Just dandy. *sarcasm* So I get to live the rest of my life as celibate as a Nun, with this thing, this deformity that I don't want, and forever teetering on the edge of bankruptcy.....  It's no wonder I can't stop drinking.

[MarcieMarie12]

I get pain upon arousal too, I do think it is the spiro or estridol. It happens to some of us. 

I knew I did this because I had no choice. I don't think I would be alive today if I didn't. In spite of all the challenges and issues it caused. I am having a hell of a time getting the referral from Kaiser for my surgery, and that is scheduled on August 1st. The way I am handling it is venting to anyone with an ear and willing to listen and taking it day by day. I am also bugging anyone at Kaiser trying to find a solution. 

Hugs,

Marcie

[DenimAndLace]

Tis the life of a transgender person.  It'll drain your bank accounts and have you in tears fighting for your next breath and then the one after that.  Just when you think you finally caught a break, you have to fight again.  I have "good" insurance and yet I've waited so long for things it would have killed any other patient in need of health care.  Even when preauthorized procedures are completed, the battle over payment has just begun.

But it makes us a resilient lot.  We overcome when ordinary people throw in the towel.  We do things others wouldn't even attempt.  We have compassion for anyone who is our ever faced adversity and a host of other admirable qualities.  And that's what makes us extraordinary, amazing, friends, spouses, citizens and employees.

 

[KathrynJulia]

Being trans ain't for Sissies a direct and favorite quote of DJ.   The haters and religious right have succeeded in making our lives  hell.  Today my Veterans Care Coordinator had to tell my primary care doctor that I was switching to a Trans friendly doctor.  That I had become tired of being mis-gendered  too many times. Received lousy care because I was transgender.  And if she had ever bothered to check, I have female genitalia.  She will listen to my heart,but that is as far as she will go.  

Being trans never gets easy. even with full surgical transformation.  There are haters who will screw with you. even if they are your doctor.   Sigh......   I love my friends who see me as the woman I am.  But for those people who deliberately mis-gender me on purpose, I try to educate you once or twice then I turn ignorant and mis-gender them back and keep doing it.knowing that now I'm annoying them.  They learn that they don't like being mis-gendered either.  It's about respect give it to receive it.

Kathryn 

[JJ]

And yet for all the worry and struggle, (Though I have only had one instance of intentional misgendering in years which I ignored and kept responding in a friendly upbeat way to the woman trying to needle me in a county office until she ended up switching to correct pronouns. She wanted me to be offended and react. Sometimes it works best to do the opposite of what they want), it is still far, far better now than ever before in my life. The rightness at the core makes each day a gift even with that trans awareness that gets so old.

It was such a struggle in the dark all those decades trying to be what I was not that I can handle the challenges that being trans brings.

And still be thankful for my life.

Johnny

 

[NancyBalik]

Cindy Wow!  And I think my life is complicated?  You seem like a sweetheart who deserves some better luck to come your way.  I'm reading your story thinking, 'She's got all this going on and she still took a moment to welcome me to the forum?"  It's worth it because you are being true to yourself.  If you give up then the rest of the world defines you.  I hate that so much of what you need becomes about $$$$.  Hope winds start blowing the way you're going, Nancy

[Cindy Truheart]

41 minutes ago, NancyBalik said:

Cindy Wow!  And I think my life is complicated?  You seem like a sweetheart who deserves some better luck to come your way.  I'm reading your story thinking, 'She's got all this going on and she still took a moment to welcome me to the forum?"  It's worth it because you are being true to yourself.  If you give up then the rest of the world defines you.  I hate that so much of what you need becomes about $$$$.  Hope winds start blowing the way you're going, Nancy

Thanks Nancy, I do try to welcome people as much as possible, we are all siblings as far as I'm concerned. But I try to not complain much (I fail), I'm not accustomed to all of this I guess. Whereas some of us always live with this in the back of our heads, I managed to suppress everything completely and convince myself that I was "normal". I popped my cap and started remembering things twenty years after making the decision to repress. So I had nearly twenty years of being a confused child and young adult, then twenty years of being convinced I was a cis-white man despite so much evidence to the contrary. I'm trying to adjust, but, I see all this money going toward my needs and nothing for my wife despite her needs, and now the money that was supposed to be the foundation of my surgery fund is gone. It's just, very hard to deal with, extremely depressing, and astronomically unfair that any of us should have to go through this.... Sorry, still not doing good.

[VickySGV]

8 minutes ago, Cindy Truheart said:

It's just, very hard to deal with, extremely depressing, and astronomically unfair that any of us should have to go through this.... Sorry, still not doing good.

You are doing one good thing about it Cindy, you are talking to us about it.  I wish I could pick a set of winning lottery numbers for you to solve this, but you have friends to share things with and it makes you think and look for ways to handle our wacky lives.  Keep coming here to us, and ride the wild rivers that you need to.  You and your spouse (from a picture I saw elsewhere ) are survivors and partners, you will make it.

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Cindy,

I hope I can find a way to say this the way I want. Being trans is not the easy way. I heard somebody say this and it is so true. We see huge problems looming ahead, and we work like devils to overcome them, only to find other problems behind them. And when we overcome them, we find even more problems behind them. We can become so preoccupied finding the problems that we forget to look behind us at all the progress we've made.

I know it probably sounds like I'm saying it's easy. It's not. In my recent life as trans and life in general, I've faced and am facing mountainous obstacles to overcome, loosing my dream home in the north woods along with my beloved dog Chemukh and so much of my stuff that I just had no way  to retrieve. Incurring over $26,000 in medical bills that I still don't know how much my insurance will pay for. I have a lot of anger issue's and very deep pain. With all that, any hope of any kind of medical transition seems like a lost dream. 

 

It would be easy for me to dwell on all my hardships and live with an "oh woe is me" attitude. I try to remember to look back and see the progress I have made. My family accepts me and I am Carla with them! I was able to bring my dear cat Gizmo down here with me! I've got a job that I enjoy for the most part! 

I choose to try focusing on the good things that have happened as best I can, rather than get lost in the gloom. I can't do anything about my home. I can't do anything about my medical bills. I do the things I can do and strive for the positive. It's far from easy, but it keeps me above water. And that's how I get through it. That's my $.02 worth of experience and hope.

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf?

[Jani]

Thank you Carla, you've said it all.  Cindy, life can be hard and sometimes it seems like there's no end in sight.  But looking back, you have accomplished so much.  I'm not just blowing sunshine, it's true.  

8 hours ago, Timber Wolf said:

I choose to try focusing on the good things that have happened as best I can, rather than get lost in the gloom. ...And that's how I get through it

Above all I'm glad you're here to tell us about it.  Sharing a burden does make it easier.  *Hugs*

Jani

[Charlize]

I'm always amazed at the wisdom and acceptance i see here from all of our members.  We get through difficult situations and continue on.  I remember a time when i thought that i'd burst if i didn't get surgery.  I was in a rush.  Life would be great as soon as that was done.  Well it's done and a host of other things appear.  I'm beginning to understand that i had better start being grateful, enjoying today for what i have.  Otherwise it's just an obnoxious race.

I read a great quote the other day.  Happiness is tomorrow when we are children and it is in the past when we are adults.  Maybe now what i need is just acceptance and the help of my friends to understand.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Cindy Truheart]

Well, I've come to some conclusions about things. I'm going to have to accept that there are things I can't control and I have to deal with it. I still can't seem to get a follow up with my doctor, all the appointments are blocked out and they keep canceling when I do make an appointment. So I'm looking at going to Planned Parenthood or maybe some other doctor if I can find one. It makes no sense to me to have a doctor that is so busy I can't get in to see them.

I've also come to the conclusion that I can't do anything about the pain with arousal that I'm having. My wife pointed out to me that there are a lot of women who have given up on having a sex life. She has a point. And to be honest, I can't think of any man who would want me anyway, so screw it. (And yes, for those who don't know, my wife is my best friend and we're both into cis men.) So I'm just going to stop worrying about it.

As far as my finances and insurance are concerned I'm going to take a 'wait and see' approach. My wife is only working part time right now, but when she eventually goes to full time the insurance she would get is much better than mine. So that is one light at the end of the tunnel. And when it comes to my surgery fund, I'll just take it as it comes and hope that I can eventually get there. But in the meantime I'll work on trying to find ways to cut back on the money we spend. I can see lots of rice and beans in my future, but what the hell else am I going to be doing? It's not like I'm going to be at the club trying to find a man! Since I won't have the money to do much of anything I can concentrate on my writing. I've always wanted to be a novelist, so here is my chance.

In the long run I will at least be able to fully come out and live completely as myself. I have a meeting with my boss and his boss later this month and next month is when I go full time officially. I'm still going to need electrolysis for the light blond and grey hairs, so I'll look at the small victory of getting enough money each month for one session. Maybe it will be enough. Maybe one day I'll be able to afford the Orchi at least.

So I will do my best to not be jealous of the girls who make much less money than me but are getting GCS because they qualify for assistance. I'm going to be happy for them, because they are probably struggling more in other ways. I'm going to try and be content with my life as is because I seriously doubt there is a Prince Charming in my future. I'm going to concentrate on my career and ignore the voice in the back of my head that laments the fact that I've never even kissed a guy. I don't need that. And men are mostly jerks anyway. And maybe if I keep telling myself these things I can work a little bit of my repression and denial magic like I did when I was nineteen and actually make myself believe it.

[Jani]

Cindy it seems like you've come to the conclusion to play with the hand you've been dealt.  That is a great position because wishing for something else that is unattainable in the near term (or maybe at all) is a lesson in frustration.  And we can all see you've been frustrated.  Hang in there girl, you'll be fine.  

You are correct that others struggle in ways you don't see.  I try to be happy for other's successes because celebrating joy is a reward in itself and it will come back to you when you have a winning situation.  And believe me, you will.  You've shown that you (and your wife) are determined.   The changes you've made in moving across the country are not for the faint of heart.  It was a big deal.  Congratulations!  The rest of the pieces will fall into place in due time.  Again, hang in there.

Jani

[Guest Hannah Emma]

Cindy, if you need help with insurance issues, you can send me a message.  I used to work for a major insurance company and know how to navigate pretty well.

 

I am so sorry you are going through all of this.  I really wish that someone would just start an LGBT town with all the services everyone could think of.  This way, we live in peace and harmony.