Dysphoria out of control

[Clara84]

Hello

I am 4 months into transitioning and 2 months HRT.

Everything went VERY fast in my mind, of course physical changes are going slower.

Consequence : each day my dysphoria gets bigger and bigger, it's now totally out of control.

Being socially accepted and treated as a woman helped me a lot, but the numerous remaining things aren't anymore bearable.

I detect something masculine on my face -> I cry

When I have to shave in the morning -> I cry

I think about my past, or someone talk about it -> I cry

I see my deadname written -> I cry

I think about my genitals -> I cry, if I made a mistake and I see them -> I vomit (really! happens twice.)
I am never naked. I do wear a bikini bottom to take a shower.

I have the feeling that nobody understand me.

- My wife don't understand and is fed up with my dysphoria so I stopped to talk to her about it, but she saw each time I cry and ask why

- Other trans people just told me I am not enough patient

- My therapist told me I am going TOO FAST and said it's worrying but she didn't gave any clue to help

... but I am just suffering, very much, it's mentally painful and I feel alone.

Am I really alone ? How can I increase my "patience" ?

 

[MarcieMarie12]

Well, one thing I did (and you describe some of the things I occasionally go through in the mornings) is just focus on the fact that I am in an inbetween state, things are getting better. I also realized that it was the dysphoria, and not me. It usually took me a few minutes to calm myself down. 

One of the weird things about transitioning for me was that it certainly removed dysphoria for the most part. But, when it happens the feelings are much more intense.

 

[Clara84]

12 minutes ago, MarcieMarie12 said:

Well, one thing I did (and you describe some of the things I occasionally go through in the mornings) is just focus on the fact that I am in an inbetween state, things are getting better. I also realized that it was the dysphoria, and not me. It usually took me a few minutes to calm myself down. 

One of the weird things about transitioning for me was that it certainly removed dysphoria for the most part. But, when it happens the feelings are much more intense.

 

It's exactly what you describe.

I know we're in a "inbetween state". Almost physically. (mentally I am 100% female)
But when I think about that "inbetween state" I feel like I am a weird monster.

[Cbxshawn]

Hi Clara,

I can relate to what you are saying. I had to start putting on makeup every day so I don't look into the mirror completely hate what I saw. I now can't even imagine leaving the house without it on.

About two weeks ago I was so upset with what I saw I wanted to rip my face off. Instead of that I went back to bed and covered my head. I was in a really bad place. 

Hang in there. I know it's hard but we are here for you. 

Hugs 

Shawnna 

[MarcieMarie12]

In my questioning phase I wondered if I was non-binary or gender fluid. Once I went out and started going out more it became obvious I was a woman and not something in between. But coming out at work and other things developed physically due to HRT my Dysphoric episodes have gotten much less. 

 

 

[Clara84]

40 minutes ago, Cbxshawn said:

Hi Clara,

I can relate to what you are saying. I had to start putting on makeup every day so I don't look into the mirror completely hate what I saw. I now can't even imagine leaving the house without it on.

About two weeks ago I was so upset with what I saw I wanted to rip my face off. Instead of that I went back to bed and covered my head. I was in a really bad place. 

Hang in there. I know it's hard but we are here for you. 

Hugs 

Shawnna 

Same as me.

I sometimes do some crazy things to fight the dysphoria. I often put some foundation during the night.

I sometimes accept my face but because of beard shadow no makeup isn't an option.

And like you, when I definitely feel too boyish I go to bed and I cover my face. Sometimes I cancel planned activities because dysphoria is coming and I have to go to bed. It happens to me about once a week.

[Clara84]

41 minutes ago, MarcieMarie12 said:

In my questioning phase I wondered if I was non-binary or gender fluid. Once I went out and started going out more it became obvious I was a woman and not something in between. But coming out at work and other things developed physically due to HRT my Dysphoric episodes have gotten much less. 

 

 

Yes coming out and HRT helps

Dysphoric episodes comes less often. But when it comes it's much more intense than before hrt and the more I progress the worst are the dysphoric moments

[JodyAnn]

3 hours ago, Clara84 said:

Hello

I am 4 months into transitioning and 2 months HRT.

Everything went VERY fast in my mind, of course physical changes are going slower.

Consequence : each day my dysphoria gets bigger and bigger, it's now totally out of control.

Being socially accepted and treated as a woman helped me a lot, but the numerous remaining things aren't anymore bearable.

I detect something masculine on my face -> I cry

When I have to shave in the morning -> I cry

I think about my past, or someone talk about it -> I cry

I see my deadname written -> I cry

I think about my genitals -> I cry, if I made a mistake and I see them -> I vomit (really! happens twice.)
I am never naked. I do wear a bikini bottom to take a shower.

I have the feeling that nobody understand me.

- My wife don't understand and is fed up with my dysphoria so I stopped to talk to her about it, but she saw each time I cry and ask why

- Other trans people just told me I am not enough patient

- My therapist told me I am going TOO FAST and said it's worrying but she didn't gave any clue to help

... but I am just suffering, very much, it's mentally painful and I feel alone.

Am I really alone ? How can I increase my "patience" ?

 

I can relate. I'm almost seven years in, five years (June ninth) HRT, Two years post op (August sixth) and I still get the crying jags too. Let me work down your list a bit.

I'm old and a minimum wage burner, my transition has placed me in poverty so many choices are not in my relm of possibilities. I see others that have so much and have transitioned so well and I cry. Though I would never want to trade my life for theirs.

I Still have to shave, it's different now. I can't afford electrolysis. I'm numb to that fact. Facial surgery is out too. Funny thing is I can look at a hundred women and see masculine features in seventy five of them or more. Most are very pretty.

IF you like sex, your appendage is mearly your clitoris. It's just a little deformed and one day you will have it corrected.

I tell old stories about me in the context of female. After all, I have always been in me, just hidden under a crushing male facade. Soon she will be free of his rule, not free of his memory.

Two of my biggest helps:I studied all things female night and day. Male information was a know and not useful to me. Female health, reproductive and medical issues. Social and political issue effecting women. That will free your mind from what you don't have and fill it with information you do need. We step into a completely female role for the rest of our lives, so it isn't about fashion, hair and make up. It is about surviving and thriving in our new roles.

SEcond I surrounded myself with women. Hundreds, then thousands of us in intimate non romantic or sexual relationships. That is where I blossumed and my dysphoria dissipated. An old guy in AA used to say about recovery, "It is not instant coffee!" Same here. You cannot sidestep the the five to seven years of puberty, you cannot avoid the ugly duckling phase. What you can do is adopt some healthy female coping skills. Slow down, time takes time. You will do far less damage control later. Hug. JodyAnn

[Clara84]

15 hours ago, JodyAnn said:

I can relate. I'm almost seven years in, five years (June ninth) HRT, Two years post op (August sixth) and I still get the crying jags too. Let me work down your list a bit.

I'm old and a minimum wage burner, my transition has placed me in poverty so many choices are not in my relm of possibilities. I see others that have so much and have transitioned so well and I cry. Though I would never want to trade my life for theirs.

I Still have to shave, it's different now. I can't afford electrolysis. I'm numb to that fact. Facial surgery is out too. Funny thing is I can look at a hundred women and see masculine features in seventy five of them or more. Most are very pretty.

IF you like sex, your appendage is mearly your clitoris. It's just a little deformed and one day you will have it corrected.

I tell old stories about me in the context of female. After all, I have always been in me, just hidden under a crushing male facade. Soon she will be free of his rule, not free of his memory.

Two of my biggest helps:I studied all things female night and day. Male information was a know and not useful to me. Female health, reproductive and medical issues. Social and political issue effecting women. That will free your mind from what you don't have and fill it with information you do need. We step into a completely female role for the rest of our lives, so it isn't about fashion, hair and make up. It is about surviving and thriving in our new roles.

SEcond I surrounded myself with women. Hundreds, then thousands of us in intimate non romantic or sexual relationships. That is where I blossumed and my dysphoria dissipated. An old guy in AA used to say about recovery, "It is not instant coffee!" Same here. You cannot sidestep the the five to seven years of puberty, you cannot avoid the ugly duckling phase. What you can do is adopt some healthy female coping skills. Slow down, time takes time. You will do far less damage control later. Hug. JodyAnn

Very interesting

It sound sad that you had to slow your transition because of money. It's unfair.

The facial hair problem is very frustrating. I am enough lucky to have a kind of passable face without make-up (I don't agree but a lot of people told me that inclusive here) but full coverage foundation is mandatory because of that beard. I know it will take years and a lot of $$ to fight that problem and I have no certainty to win that war. 

I read your post in the morning before going out. And I looked at the women. You're right it's a good thing to do. I won't say 75% but almost 50% have masculine features, really. The fact they are cis should make this a lot more easy to live with than for us. I also see some women who didn't look good at all. I use to be severe with myself but I could honestly notice that I look better than some cis women. That makes me feel better and more confident. I also notice that a lot of girls looked pretty good but don't take care of themselves, they are so lucky to be so beautiful (and cisgender!) and they don't highlight their beauty. I don't understand. Some are really dirty, some have crappy clothes and/or weird hairstyles. 

I am not pretty but I do take care of myself and it's visible.

Looking at others women is really instructive.

About sex... I used the trick of the "big clitoris " during months even before transition. It was really helpful. Since I started hrt I became "too female" in my mind to accept this. I totally gave up sex. It's too disgusting, my body disgusts me. That part is a foreign body. It don't belongs to me.

I will start fighting with my health insurance at the end of the year to have SRS. My surgeon accept to do it after 8 months HRT. But insurance asks to wait 2 years to release the money. But negociating with them is possible. 

Like you I also translated my past into female. Inside I've always been a girl. I had a lot of questioning phases but now that's 100% obvious I've always been totally binary female. It explains every moment of my life.

But all my memories are ruined by the fact I lived in the wrong gender. Even good memories became bad ones because of this.

Studying female things. what a good idea! You're right, we need this. We've learned a lot of things whose are now useless. And we've less time than others to learn useful things.

I try to make new female friends because I really need it. Most of my new friends are trans* women. The cis friends I had are still here. I notice that being with new people who never knew me otherwise than as female is really a good feeling and it reduces dysphoria. Old ones are cool but they know what I was and it's not the same feeling.

I realized that as a trans person, we live years with a big secret. Then some of us have the courage to tell the secret to the whole world to have a better life. In that new life we also have a big secret to keep: the fact we're trans and our past in the wrong gender. It's difficult to admit but there's no escape.

I don't want to sidestep the puberty years. I just want to live it being happy and not suffering.

I feel like I am at the heaven door but I am still not allowed to enter. I can sometimes put a foot inside to see how it looks. The good thing is that I definitely leaved hell. But I shouldn't bring some hell items into heaven therefore I am not allowed to enter...

[LizK]

As I tore down those barriers that caged Liz I found I also tore away all those bad coping behaviours I used. So when Dysphoria hits me I have very little in my arsenal against it. Over time I have found much better ways of dealing with it. I have a cry, or a scream, let myself have the emotion let it escape...unlike many other previous coping mechanisms I actually feel better after this one. I am about 14 months into HRT and it is slowly starting to get better..., Be a little kinder to yourself, 

I will never be a cute, pretty or even remotely good looking as a  woman, that however does not change the fact I am one. I present myself appropriate for women of my age and I am treated as such...I have just had 2 days of electrolysis and facial injections but I got mam'ed today, despite how my face looked but because my presentation screamed female, no one batted an eyelid. It took me a long time to accept that most people just don't even care enough to look hard and as long as I am giving out enough of the right queues they will gender me correctly. Get out and be you if it is safe to do so 

Good Luck

Liz

[Clara84]

3 hours ago, LizK said:

As I tore down those barriers that caged Liz I found I also tore away all those bad coping behaviours I used. So when Dysphoria hits me I have very little in my arsenal against it. Over time I have found much better ways of dealing with it. I have a cry, or a scream, let myself have the emotion let it escape...unlike many other previous coping mechanisms I actually feel better after this one. I am about 14 months into HRT and it is slowly starting to get better..., Be a little kinder to yourself, 

I will never be a cute, pretty or even remotely good looking as a  woman, that however does not change the fact I am one. I present myself appropriate for women of my age and I am treated as such...I have just had 2 days of electrolysis and facial injections but I got mam'ed today, despite how my face looked but because my presentation screamed female, no one batted an eyelid. It took me a long time to accept that most people just don't even care enough to look hard and as long as I am giving out enough of the right queues they will gender me correctly. Get out and be you if it is safe to do so 

Good Luck

Liz

You're all right Liz.

Emotions are intense but we need to let them escape.

I know it will get better in the future but when dysphoria hits, time appears to be long.

I've understood that we don't need to be cute or pretty to "pass". I do pass pretty well. Although I often don't believe it. Last time I was misgendered was... pre-HRT. Some people still have perhaps some doubt about my gender, but if they gender me it's always "Madam".

The acceptance of our self image is another part of our journey. We can pass everywhere without any problem but being still struggled with our image, that's the problem.

I sometimes see the girl in the mirror, and sometimes not. I know that's normal.

 

[MarcieMarie12]

I feel that my worst critic is myself, then my family and those who knew me before transitioning. The best judge of if I am passing are complete strangers.

[Clara84]

1 hour ago, MarcieMarie12 said:

I feel that my worst critic is myself, then my family and those who knew me before transitioning. The best judge of if I am passing are complete strangers.

I totally agree. We are the worst with ourselves. And about all the people who knew us in the wrong gender. A compliment can always mean "despite the fact you're trans..."