Did you ever consider yourself a member of your assigned at birth sex?

[mochi90]

I've always had I call transgender tendencies. I always had boyish interests and didn't fit in with other girls. I spent a lot of my life wishing I could be a boy, for a variety of reason. I must have been about 12 when I realized this wasn't normal, and decided I simply could not be a boy because I was born AFAB. I decided to be the prettiest, girlies girl ever. I would wear swishy miniskirts and fufu dresses, and grow my hair out to my ankles. I would be beautiful and people (my mother) would love me. 

It didn't work, but because I was convinced that genitalia defined gender, I decided that I was just weird. A weird girl. I struggled to embrace it and for a long time, it almost worked. I was never happy. I've had depression since I was 7 and was suicidal by age 12. I'm not sure if I will ever be happy. But I see now that there's a reason why I never fit in with girls and why I was so unhappy. I'm just not a girl, and that's ok. 

Never pretend to be something you aren't in order to make other people happy. Those who matter won't mind, and those who mind don't matter. 

[Willow]

Jackie, My story is similar.  I was very close to my mother growing up.  Didn’t like ruff housing or typical boys play.  Learned to sew and knit. I had a period when I had no thoughts of wishing I was a girl.  I was in the service, met my future wife, got married, had kids etc. but as I got older I once again started wishing I was a girl.  I’ve been to therapy and to my doctor.  Both agree I’m transgender and have been for a long time.  My wife is not supportive which makes it very difficult.  I’m trying to walk a fine line between my desires are her demands but it isn’t easy.

 

Willow

[VickySGV]

23 minutes ago, Willow said:

I’m trying to walk a fine line between my desires and her demands but it isn’t easy. 

 

These are NOT your desires, these are your NEEDS.  Her demands are for her desires and NOT her needs.  Think of it that way and the line really disappears.  It is true that she may be hurting a bit, but you have been hurting for years and years.  It is still hurting on both sides, but  you see the route to relieving the hurt in your life.  No it is not selfish to become who you really are.

[BrandiBri]

I guess that I always thought I was a boy until last year after seriously studying the terminology and the meanings. I was 11 years old when I discovered that I was "different" and shortly after read about people called "transvestites". Since that was the only word that I knew, I thought that was what I was. After realizing that wanting to wake up as a girl, among other things throughout my 58 years of living that lie, I became aware that I am a woman. I never realized how hard it was to keep my secret as I just accepted that I had to hide from the world; even from my parents. Now the rules have changed, I am the woman that I was born to be and couldn't be happier.

 

Brandi

[Kirsten]

I would have to say no. Not to my knowledge at least. I sure played the male part well. But I never felt like I was being true. As long as I can remember every day I would go to sleep wishing to wake up female, and wake up male and sad. 

I did try everything I could to change this. College degrees, highish paying job, lots of girlfriends, fast cars and big trucks, kids, eventually marriage, and I’m sure a million other things. 

But nonetheless here I stand in transition. Decades late. But finally moving forward. And I wouldn’t give up any of it. Any of that male life. Because even though I was depressed for most of it, and lying about who I was, I did some truly awesome things. And they have set my life up for me moving forward. And made me the person I am today. 

Kirsten

[Willow]

5 hours ago, VickySGV said:

 

These are NOT your desires, these are your NEEDS.  Her demands are for her desires and NOT her needs.  Think of it that way and the line really disappears.  It is true that she may be hurting a bit, but you have been hurting for years and years.  It is still hurting on both sides, but  you see the route to relieving the hurt in your life.  No it is not selfish to become who you really are.

Vicky I know you are correct.  My therapist said the exact same thing and your words could be a recording of his words.  Unfortunately at our age it’s too late to start completely over so I feel I need to work out my needs with her issues before I can move on.  I had stopped posting here for a couple of months because my antidepressants had broken my cycle.  But even my doctor said they would return eventually and they are back a lot sooner than I had expected.  The result is I’ve got less time to work with my wife than I had hoped. 

 

Willow

[SugarMagnolia]

I suppose I never really felt like much of anything. "Being" a guy was something that I learned to do reasonably well to the point where it felt, if not comfortable, then at least routine. However, I don't think it ever felt natural. Worse, I couldn't really picture anything else even though I knew deep down it was what I felt/wanted/needed. If asked whether I was a guy, I probably would have answered, "yeah, I guess".

I was able to compartmentalize and deny for many decades. That protected me and probably saved my life, but I wasn't able to thrive until I accepted myself. 

[KymmieL]

While I may have not thought I was a girl then. but I did show feminine traits. I would sit on my feet like a girl. I was taught to Knit, sew, embroider. I was mostly an out cast while in school. Always seeming different. I have never liked normal boy sports. Even playing little league one year. I didn't have to show my stuff as my dad was talked into being a team manager. So I automatically made his team. My batting average IIRC was 3. I was even bullied then. It got worse when we moved and changed schools. I went from somewhat popular to bottom of the food chain. The bullying lasted till high school. Where it tapered off. I have been a motorhead all of my life. In school people knew me by my car not me.

Seeming like out of the blue I joined the military. Still to this day don't know why. Spent 9 yrs in the service. during that time I got married and started a family. I was harassed while in the service. Mostly one having friends that I worked with. One even becoming my best friend. 

I got out mostly because of the harassment. Using the force reduction program in 1992. Me and my family returned to our home area. Where I bounced around from Job to job. having  6 jobs in the three years we put up with the area. Even adding to the family I still had the feminine traits. Not making the connection until it started about 5 years ago. I slowly came to conclusion that I have always been feminine inside. With my traits and  my thoughts I made the realization about 2 years ago. I am transgender. but it took me until last week to come out to my long time counselor.

 

Kymmie

 

[jae bear]

16 hours ago, SugarMagnolia said:

"Being" a guy was something that I learned to do reasonably well 

 

 I tried but often failed,  even after I got my College girlfriend pregnant she wouldn’t marry me because she was certain I was gay!

 

16 hours ago, SugarMagnolia said:

However, I don't think it ever felt natural.

 

  Oh goodness no! Dressing female while alone since I was a kid reinforced the “not natural” aspect of my life, it weighed on me constantly.

 

16 hours ago, SugarMagnolia said:

I wasn't able to thrive until I accepted myself. 

 

 You took the words right out of my mouth sister !

[Adaline]

It’s hard to say.  I grew up in an age when you were defined by the doctors announcement “its a boy”. You add to that family and religious expectations and it seamed wrong to question.  What, I strongly remember is being drawn to girls clothing and wanting to know how it felt to be a girl.  At a very young age, I started wearing my sisters clothes in secret, in my mind to wear the clothes would be to switch genders and if I did it just right, others would accept me as a girl.  I was not unhappy as a child, I was. not abused or neglected, but the feeling of wrongness prevailed.  In school I was always very socially isolated, at that time girls played with girls and boys played with boys, I didn’t fit into either group.  When I hit my early teens, that’s when I wanted to transition, I didn’t know that such a thing was even possible, but the urge because unbearable. It was also around this time that a strange disassociation with my own body occurred, that has persisted till I recently started HRT.  It’s like I know it’s my body but when I look in the mirror I’m convinced it’s not me.  I offer felt that if I stabbed myself with a knife that it wouldn’t hurt because it was not me.  Fortunately, the feeling never got to the point of actually doing it, but the feeling persisted.  The clothes the makeup everything feminine was what I wanted and there way no way to get there.  The cross-dressing increased dramatically and on a few occasions, If I felt that I would not be recognized, I presented female.  Nothing dramatic like going to school or anything but walking to a different area of town, changing and just enjoying being out in the public in girl mode.  This is the point where I got caught.  I don’t know how but in some manner my parents found out.  Me and my dad had the awkward talk and as a result the suppression began.  I still cross-dressed on occasions but for the most part I threw myself into all things manly 

 

This went on until my early 20s.  Around that time, the desire to be female came back with a vengeance.  I thought getting married would cure the problem and I met the most beautiful and kindest person on the face of the earth.  Getting married didn’t help one bit, in fact the situation got even worse.  I started trying on her clothes within a few months of being married, soon I was acquiring my own clothes and hiding them away.  She would occasionally find them and I would lie.  To release the anxiety, I started drinking more and more.  On business trips I would take women’s clothing with me and like my early teen years, just walk around enjoying the moments of freedom.

 

like others, the secrets, lies, anxiety and insanity heavy drinking where all taking its toll.  I was miserable and my wife felt excluded from my world.  Then one day the bubble popped.  I was super careless at work and was outed.  I lost my job, my home, and much of my old life.  My world may have crashed but it’s given me and my wife the opportunity to build a new one.  For many reasons, I need to stay part time, to find a balance, to keep the things I treasure while establishing a place for Adaline to live.

 

I guess it comes back to that opening question, did I always know?  Its taken me an exceedingly long post to answer that (I apologize for that but putting feelings into words clarifies my thoughts) but I would have to answer, no and yes.  My concuss mind would never allow me but the woman inside has always been trying to take her place in the world.  Giving her room, giving myself and opportunity to live, has finally allowed that little girls voice to shout, I am woman, hear me roar.

 

Again, I apologize for the length of the post.  I just felt like I had something to say.

 

hugs

Adaline

[Cthorne]

TW This may upset some people... lol it upset me.

 

For me I guess growing up I just accepted it.. there was nothing I could do about it so why even think about it although I don't remember ever consciously thinking 'I am a girl but wanna be a boy' I don't even remember thinking of myself as female anyway I just pushed all thoughts of gender away. I do remember having moments where I would practice being like a boy.... like styling my hair in a way that would look more male, secretly so that no one would catch me.

 

Then the dreaded change happened and it was the worst feeling in the world... things were changing and I would give anything for them not to. I found myself wanting to hide away from the world, I didn't want anyone to see me I just wanted to be alone, in the darkness. To hide away the shame of my own body, I was disgusting and wrong. (omg tearing up right now lol) I'm gonna stop before I actually have a full on cry.

 

After a while I used to dream about an amazing life, for some reason I was always male... I never questioned it, it just was and I felt so much better. The dream would make me so happy for a short time but eventually the truth would hit home 'it was just an impossible dream that could never be... I will be 'this' forever' and I HATED IT ?  the soul crushing depression would hit me and I would pull away from everyone and everything... 

 

Then I read something on the internet about people that dream they are the opposite gender. I spent all night reading their stories and it was like I was trapped in the dark room and a door opened and there was a tiny little light shining in... and I ran like hell toward it! As soon as I knew I could be who I wanted... who I needed to be I had to tell someone.. I couldn't survive another day like that.

 

Anyways giant essay for a simple answer: Did I always know? No I didn't know I was meant to be a guy but I did hate being classed as a female. (I hope this answers the question hahaha) 

 

CJ

[Ronin82]

I've vacillated between feeling like a "masculine" female, and feeling male my whole life. I remember being as young as 4 and being more comfortable with boys than girls. I remember being 6-10 and PRAYING every night that I would wake up a boy, and it never happened (which made me feel worse, due to the religious cult I grew up in). I've always preferred "boy" activities and toys, hated Barbies with every fiber of my being, and loved physically strenuous sports like weightlifting, football, and martial arts.

 

Due to family and religious pressures I kept my true feelings very well hidden and just tried to be what got me in the least amount of trouble. At 12, after fighting with my mother for the last time about the issue, I stopped wearing dresses to church. I've NEVER been comfortable "dressing up" as a female and have tried to dress as androgynous as possible to prevent conflict with my parents. It's only in the last 3 years that I've been able to accept the fact that I've ALWAYS been more male than female; that even though my biological sex may be female, my brain and personality are NOT! I spent about 20 years trying to accept the fact that I was a female who just couldn't fit into the female pigeonhole, but now I know I'm a male stuck in a female body that I HATE! So I'm going to rectify that little goof-up, and take steps to make my outside look the way I feel I should. Even before hormones I can build muscle VERY easily, and facial hair is a thing, so I don't think I'll need a lot of T to see a difference. But I've never really felt like a true female. I've always had a latent male-ness that I could never truly shake. Ahh, dysphoria....at least I know now, in my 30's and can start making changes early in my life.

[killjoyaiden]

this is really late, but i always thought that either A) it was weird to want to pee standing up or B- it was normal that people had those thoughts of wanting a different body, so i kept it to myself.

[JimmieJasmine]

On 7/24/2017 at 6:21 PM, Jani said:

Welcome!  Why don't you make a post to the Introduction page?  We'd love to hear from you.

How do I make an introduction page?

[JimmieJasmine]

?  Yes, briefly when our children were born.  I love them, I know I'm a woman inside, but dig down deep to try to be Daddy whenever needed.  They can always call me Daddy- that's how I began with them- as loving, accepting, strong, and most of all, silly.

[Jordy]

I have days where I feel feminine but I always knew I was supposed to be a guy.  My mother, upon reflection, recognizes that I was more than just a tomboy at heart but never knew what to do about it.  She says she was so hard on me when I hit puberty because she was terrified I would become pregnant at too young of an age even though I had no interest in those activities until I was 18.  I did try to be a girl for my mother. I thought she wanted a girl badly and loving her as I do I did not want to be a disappointment.  I had always been attracted to gay men or bi men.  I guess that makes me a gay man too.  I thought something was wrong with me because as far as I knew trans people were all women born in the wrong body. I didn't know it worked the other way too.  It was freeing to learn it does and that I'm not broken that way.

[BrandiBri]

Hi JimmieJasmine, to answer your question about starting an introduction page, just go to the introductions forum and start a new thread.

Btw, welcome to TransPulse!

[JimmieJasmine]

Thanks BrandiBri

[JTCaterpillar]

I hated being a guy for the first 18 years of my life but fully embraced being one. I just decided to hate myself instead, because even though I was 'plagued' by thoughts and deep-rooted desires to have been female, I believed those desires to be foolish and wrong.

 

I've since learned self-love and acceptance of who I am. I love who I am and I could rock being a guy. There are perks being male that I would certainly lose upon my transition.. but ultimately being male makes me uncomfortable even now. It's not worth it. I want to be female... And I'll still be the exact same me upon the change. I'll still love myself!