Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

Cindy Truheart

Sorting it out

Recommended Posts

Cindy Truheart

I've posted my story several times in other areas of this site, but essentially I'm dealing with repressed memories and such. I've remembered my adopted brother molesting me when I was four years old. But lately I've begun to suspect more that I just haven't remembered yet. (My memory is like swiss cheese, my repression had been so complete before that I literally couldn't remember anything before the age of ten and very little of my life between the ages of ten and sixteen.) I get 'bad touch' feelings whenever my wife tries to get physical with me. I've told her whats going on and she tries to be respectful of that but sometimes she slips. It's difficult for her in many different ways, so I try to be understanding. But I've noticed some things.

First, I can push past those feelings and put them in a box. This usually results in my feeling very bad about myself later and I tend to spiral into a depression so I don't do that anymore. Second, in the moment that she takes things to the physical intimacy level, I find that I can't say anything or stop her at all. She usually catches herself when she realizes I'm not into it. But I can't bring myself to stop it even though it doesn't feel right. Third, my memory repression is probably something that has been going on with me my entire life. I remember telling my mother when I was fifteen about a house down the street and how I remember staying there once because I remember being in my pajamas and someone helping me in the bathroom. My mother denied it, but I've since come to realize that my mother is a Narcissist and I've caught her gaslighting me and others several times. Every time there is an incident with my wife, for some reason I start thinking of that house.

My father was an abusive alcoholic and my parents fought a lot. There were several occasions when my mother packed us kids into the car and dropped us off at someone's house while she went to scour the bars for my father because it was late and he still wasn't home. I'm beginning to wonder if something happened to me in that house. I vaguely remember the people who lived there when I was young, but I remember that my Mom used to be friendly with their mother. I also remember that this was a single mother back in the early 80's with a grown son who was always out partying and an almost grown daughter who did the same. And I remember that I was in that house with only the mother, her son came home briefly and then went back out.

I'm wondering if I've connected the dots right. I'm wondering if I was molested by more people than just my adopted brother. An interesting side note, my sister can't remember her childhood at all and she told me that the first time she had sex there wasn't a hymen to break. So she's repressed her memories just like I did and it's pretty obvious she was molested too.

Share this post


Link to post
Dev

I see a lot of me in you, Cindy.  Particularly in your description of putting feelings - and memories - in a box.  For many years, I had a similar box in my brain, and once I stashed something in it, there wasn't a hope of getting it back out.  It sounds to me like you might be ready to confront more of what you don't remember.

If you haven't already, I recommend finding a therapist who's qualified in EMDR therapy.  Though they'd probably cringe to hear it, I like to call EMDR, "hypnosis lite."  You would retain full awareness and control of yourself, but the process makes it far easier to access long-buried memories and deal with them in a safe environment.  It was EMDR that finally got me past my own issues with childhood sexual abuse.

Share this post


Link to post

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

  • Who's Online   8 Members, 0 Anonymous, 220 Guests (See full list)

    • Bobbyd
    • Kirsten
    • CaraMC
    • AsTheCrow
    • DeeDee
    • Michelle F
    • DevilDog
    • sara albert
  • Who Was Online

    112 Users were Online in the Last 48 Hours
    • Bobbyd
    • Kirsten
    • CaraMC
    • AsTheCrow
    • DeeDee
    • Michelle F
    • DevilDog
    • sara albert
    • Timber Wolf
    • MaryMary
    • Charlize
    • Dev
    • reyindium
    • Jani
    • Clara84
    • MaryEllen
    • Sandra's journey
    • gracey01
    • Cyndee
    • ToniTone
    • Wrightful
    • gaypricot
    • VickySGV
    • SugarMagnolia
    • Carolyn Marie
    • Leo
    • MsLindaV
    • Amy LeBlanc
    • KymmieL
    • Mybuttlost
    • SaraAW
    • Zoey
    • Dani1
    • Stuckinchina
    • Ashlee
    • Susan
    • Ellora
    • killjoyaiden
    • Josie Beth
    • Kole Rickard
    • Topher
    • Jennaroxie
    • Elyssia
    • Spyke01
    • Janeshannon
    • lauraincolumbia
    • Rachael
    • Jackson Max
    • figuringitout
    • tracy_j
    • Yamel
    • Jocelyn
    • Petra Jane
    • Alex C
    • galayogeda
    • Kate Parlee
    • Hello
    • Lorry
    • Sasha
    • Nichole Spencer
    • Taja
    • Willa
    • Astrid
    • Ronin82
    • Tessa
    • Mackenzie Holiday
    • JJ
    • Joel Allen
    • Terry
    • ChristinaDryadstar
    • ScooterKatie
    • Snow Princess Sophie
    • Maid In Bedlam
    • MelissaAndProudOfIt
    • Julie pg
    • Lexa83
    • Ned
    • Arjen
    • Sandra6sandy9sand
    • LittleRed
    • LotsOQs026
    • EvanC
    • My name isn’t Megan
    • Kylie
    • MarciMay
    • JessicaVioletta
    • G Singh
    • BowlofPetunias
    • michelle_kitten
    • Stillhaunted
    • Mediator
    • Dranor
    • Cheyenne skye
    • Victoria X Dayne
    • pandorasbra
    • Laura Beth
    • trans1964
    • Sharon Aml
    • Piper
    • mom1972
    • a random individual
    • Dakota16
    • thatguy04
    • NotSamuel
    • Pidge
    • Cindy Truheart
    • Amber Marie
    • jo_g
    • Willow
    • Wise
    • Motormouth95
    • KeiraC
  • Topics With Zero Replies

  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      68,114
    • Total Posts
      616,327
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      5,227
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Yamel
    Newest Member
    Yamel
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Clara_D
      Clara_D
      (48 years old)
    2. Deborah121
      Deborah121
      (59 years old)
  • Posts

    • Timber Wolf
      Hi everyone,   Well, I'm up to my old shenanigans again. My landlord is here working. He's going to do some painting in my place, so I had to try to hide my cat, Gizmo. Gizmo had been my cat for 11 years almost, and is the most precious thing in my life. Unfortunately, I'm not supposed to have a cat. My landlord is currently working very close to where I've got Gizmo hidden. So far, when I've been near there she's been really quiet. I'm very nervously hoping he doesn't find her. He hasn't said anything, but he often doesn't say anything right away. Hopefully when he  leave this evening I'll be able to start breathing again.   I've lost everything else I love in my life, my home in the National Forest, my Siberian Husky Lupi, my Black Lab Chemuhk. Gizmo's the last one. She keeps me from being all alone. She's helped me get through some really tough times in my life. Without her, I'm not sure what would have happened. Didn't sleep well last night, too scared. Guess this is what happens when you do things on the sly, like bring a cat into where it's not allowed. She's the last of my family though, family I live with that is.   I just wish I could get an apartment that allows cats and end this danger Gizmo and I live with. My credit rating is still too bad to get into a corporate apartment complex though.😔 It's a little better than it was due to my checking account and the fact that there have been no new defaults I guess, but it's still bad. One serious health issue puts my credit right back in the toilet again. Can't afford health insurance. Actually, with tax issues for no health insurance, my credit may already be right back in the toilet.   Just venting, under a strain here today.   Lots of love, Timber Wolf 🐾
    • Kirsten
      You will be the last to know that you pass. I know when I look in the mirror I see the same person that I’ve seen my whole life. Some subtle differences, but I don’t see someone who passes as female.  But when I went on my trip last week I was gendered female 100% of the time. I didn’t think much of it cause I get gendered that way at home too and just assumed it was people being nice because of where I live. But after talking to my therapist she says going to a place like the Carolinas you truly learn how well you pass. Apparently it’s not a very accepting area and if they don’t fully believe you to be female, then they call you sir. A ma’am is a hard thing to get in that area. Idk if I fully believe that but I sure want to. Lol. Either way it made me feel better about how I look. And if it’s true, I really am the last to know that I pass. 🤣   also i guess trans people are required to use their birth restrooms in North Carolina by law and I was helped to the women’s room two times that I asked where the restroom were. So 🤷🏻‍♀️ Maybe just maybe right.    My point being these awesome things will happen more and more. And they really are awesome. Relish in them! ❤️❤️ And before you know it you’ll pass too. 
    • Jani
      I had been gendered female in person from when I was a teen through my 50's.  Sometimes I saw it but other times...   I think you are showing more feminine attributes than you think Josie.     Jani 
    • Jani
      Going back to your initial question, for me it was day 1.  Inside I know I was transgender and transitioning but my image to the world was as the woman I saw myself as.   This is what its all about in my opinion.    Jani
    • Jani
      Great for you!  This kind of validation is wonderful as it comes across as being honest.     Jani
    • VickySGV
      Over on FB, I just report all of them as SPAM.  I do have one picture of a can of Vienna Sausages that I have been known to send back in PM's (DM"?) before I block them.  I also have one picture that I put on my site from time to time when I have been cloned that warns my real friends to look out for my doppelgangers and report the fakes.  It is a deliberately ugly evil picture of how I can look!!  
    • VickySGV
      Now why didn't I suggest that up above??  An excellent way to go. You are a special type of parent!!
    • ToniTone
      Fun! Y'all look like you had a happy, relaxing time. Love going to the ocean!
    • KymmieL
      Kymmie , has finally gotten her own Facebook page. luckily I only have state trans and Lgbt pages liked. I haven't had any creeps yet. If I don't know them I don't even respond I just ignore the ask.   Kymmie
    • ToniTone
      And I seem to be taking to it alright. I think my fat distribution has changed subtly too. Not enough to show yet, but it is inspiring some confidence. 
    • ToniTone
      Thank you Carolyn Marie, Josie and Vickie!  Like I said I'm going to be very patient with alot of things, notably the orchi. I'm still pretty early in transition and kinda torn. It is one of those big step, one-way decisions that I should really discuss with a therapist. I guess I'm not too hung up about that aspect of my anatomy, just the rest of it, lol!    I am concerned about the impact of hrt though, the risk to benefit ratio. So far I'm in good health 
    • Amy LeBlanc
      Welcome and enjoy
    • Amy LeBlanc
      I get a mix of them.  Some I know they are bots cause when I check their profile, There is no information and they only have one picture.  So that there to me is a bot.  Then I do get the real guys where on their profile they are married and have kids and yet they are requesting to be friends with me and sending me cheesy pickup lines and wanting to hook up.  So I get a mix of real and bots.  
    • Ellora
      Welcome! Enjoy!
    • Ellora
      I was wondering the same, i hope things are working out, or at least that this brings you peace and comfort.
  • Upcoming Events

×
×
  • Create New...