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Cindy Truheart

Sorting it out

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Cindy Truheart

I've posted my story several times in other areas of this site, but essentially I'm dealing with repressed memories and such. I've remembered my adopted brother molesting me when I was four years old. But lately I've begun to suspect more that I just haven't remembered yet. (My memory is like swiss cheese, my repression had been so complete before that I literally couldn't remember anything before the age of ten and very little of my life between the ages of ten and sixteen.) I get 'bad touch' feelings whenever my wife tries to get physical with me. I've told her whats going on and she tries to be respectful of that but sometimes she slips. It's difficult for her in many different ways, so I try to be understanding. But I've noticed some things.

First, I can push past those feelings and put them in a box. This usually results in my feeling very bad about myself later and I tend to spiral into a depression so I don't do that anymore. Second, in the moment that she takes things to the physical intimacy level, I find that I can't say anything or stop her at all. She usually catches herself when she realizes I'm not into it. But I can't bring myself to stop it even though it doesn't feel right. Third, my memory repression is probably something that has been going on with me my entire life. I remember telling my mother when I was fifteen about a house down the street and how I remember staying there once because I remember being in my pajamas and someone helping me in the bathroom. My mother denied it, but I've since come to realize that my mother is a Narcissist and I've caught her gaslighting me and others several times. Every time there is an incident with my wife, for some reason I start thinking of that house.

My father was an abusive alcoholic and my parents fought a lot. There were several occasions when my mother packed us kids into the car and dropped us off at someone's house while she went to scour the bars for my father because it was late and he still wasn't home. I'm beginning to wonder if something happened to me in that house. I vaguely remember the people who lived there when I was young, but I remember that my Mom used to be friendly with their mother. I also remember that this was a single mother back in the early 80's with a grown son who was always out partying and an almost grown daughter who did the same. And I remember that I was in that house with only the mother, her son came home briefly and then went back out.

I'm wondering if I've connected the dots right. I'm wondering if I was molested by more people than just my adopted brother. An interesting side note, my sister can't remember her childhood at all and she told me that the first time she had sex there wasn't a hymen to break. So she's repressed her memories just like I did and it's pretty obvious she was molested too.

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Dev

I see a lot of me in you, Cindy.  Particularly in your description of putting feelings - and memories - in a box.  For many years, I had a similar box in my brain, and once I stashed something in it, there wasn't a hope of getting it back out.  It sounds to me like you might be ready to confront more of what you don't remember.

If you haven't already, I recommend finding a therapist who's qualified in EMDR therapy.  Though they'd probably cringe to hear it, I like to call EMDR, "hypnosis lite."  You would retain full awareness and control of yourself, but the process makes it far easier to access long-buried memories and deal with them in a safe environment.  It was EMDR that finally got me past my own issues with childhood sexual abuse.

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