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Alexx21

struggling

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Alexx21   
Alexx21

Am struggling  on Monday i had to go to my drs and ask for my anti depressants to be put up  which she did  been feeling very depressed and upset ...the reason my step dad's death am unsure what he would have made of me changing my gender what he would have made of this ... talked to my nieces about the possibility of my name changing after Christmas  but today i tried to say why and she said i look more female because of my curves ...hate being this size this body i feel worthless and my husband dont want  me to take T or have an op for anything  i cant change permanently  i want to so much one one way but am scared likke change my mind after the op or the T  plus i dont think i can inject myself every morning i have a fear of  syringes  because my niece who was on drug left a used one in the house  and my husband had to get rid of it  my niece is no longer takes drugs and has two little girl ( she an amazing mum )   the op i would have to be in  good place mentally not self injurying or picking at my wounds  this is a long prosses to go throught for me to go and change my mind ...i wanted to say something about my gender to my dr again so i could talk to a gender therapist but this time i didnt   also my faith is making me feel like i shouldnt do this i listen to christian radio stations but some of them are so trans and homophobic my husband has told me not to listen to them as they get to me and i feel worthless because of them  i dont  think my husband would accept me as fully male one because he feels am in the middle  he says he will not do  full guy on guy stuff because he thinks i got ill with an infection the last time we  did it and we have no clue about if that would happen or if we where  doing it safety enough  he says he will not  risk me getting that ill again i was  so ill  i had to be in hospital which was only a day but i was very ill at the time and a week after i go ill with a stomach bug   so we have been kinda scared off from that  i feel i should be male  but i cant be selfish and not listen to my husband :(  

av not cut in a while i have nothing i can harm self with apart from scratching or bruising myself and that will not make me ill  no one would notice them 

Sorry i feel very low  got to go to bed now ...its late here 

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MarcieMarie12   
MarcieMarie12

Alexx, for me at first I worried I would change my mind too. It is something I needed to work out and take whatever time I needed. I also had to be totally honest with myself, which is one of the things I plan to be the rest of my life. My answers did not come right away,  but eventually they did. 

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Carolyn Marie   
Carolyn Marie

I'm sorry that you're feeling so down, Alex.  I understand how frustrating it is to not be who you want to be,  There are so many things working against you right now.  Your husband is right about those Christian radio stations.  You should not listen to them, as they are doing the opposite of helping you.

I think the best thing right now would be to concentrate on not cutting again, and trying to find a gender therapist.  They can help you deal with issues of self worth, of the guilt you feel, and help you find the right path that will make you feel whole, even if that doesn't involve surgery.   How you feel about the T shots is the least of your worries right now, or should be.  That can be dealt with later.

We are here for you, hon.  Talk to us any time.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

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Jani423   
Jani423

Hi Alexx.  It's good to hear from you again.  I do have to agree with your husband and Carolyn 

1 hour ago, Carolyn Marie said:

There are so many things working against you right now.  Your husband is right about those Christian radio stations.  You should not listen to them, as they are doing the opposite of helping you.

There is no good to come from listening to these people.  They are not true Christians if they are advocating hate.  

As Marcie says the answers are there, but they will become clear in their time.  Please don't fret over this now.  Focus on staying healthy and avoiding cutting.  Continue the dialogue with your husband when you can.  He needs to understand your true feelings.  I'm glad you spoke to your doctor and were prescribed new medication for depression.  That is a good example of you taking charge of the matter.    

Jani

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Charlize   
Charlize

Alex i hope you've had a good rest.  I certainly agree that listening to "christian" radio isn't good for anyone.  Somehow every bit i've heard has forgotten the message of love and caring and replaced it with hate and guilt.  Christian?..... I don't think so.

I do think that talking to a gender therapist is a good idea.  We all need to find the acceptance of who we are.  Even with all possible surgeries and hormones acceptance is necessary.  Therapy can help with that as well.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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MaryEllen   
MaryEllen

Most of these Christian radio shows are just that. Shows. They're more concerned with raising money than they are of spreading the love and salvation of Jesus Christ.

MaryEllen

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Alexx21   
Alexx21

i think am in the middle non-binary   my mental health is gotten bad ok one minute upset the next  going from one crisis to another  my pastor feels that am at crisis point all the time every time he sees me am upset at something  and that isnt right to be this way   i have crisis of identity of who  or what i am  I have borderline personality disorder i can go from feeling happy to feeling like i want to die with in  a short time if something was too upset that much  i always need validation for being this person am born as  abandonment issues  

half the things wrong with me is stuff i need to figure out with a therapist but they have said that i dont need anymore therapy  because av tried it all and now that am forty i am on the scrap heap because am too messed up for them to care 

my husband says he loves me for me  but i dont know who or what i am i have nothing i can say about myself that is good or that i like  i really want to OD right now instead am going to bed  because if i stay up things are going to get worse and i have already self injured two days ago while my husband was sleeping 

 

am a mess  

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Timber Wolf   
Timber Wolf

Alexx, you've got friends here who care about you, and that's a pretty good thing to say about you. Your husband loves you, that's a BIG good thing to say about you. You are not worthless to us, so please don't feel yourself worthless. You are valued here, and you are valued by your husband. If that weren't so, we wouldn't care, but WE DO CARE! Your husband cares, you are of value. And you ARE good!

 

Lots of love and a big hug,

Timber Wolf🐾

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tracy_j   
tracy_j

I am pretty much in the middle non-binary too. I have concerns at times understanding and fitting in with society as it does not seem to work, male or female for any permanent period.  Many times I think things are going to blow up and disaster but it does not seem to happen. People do not understand but they accept. In general people are usually so used to accepting me in my feminine wear that they do not seem to notice, even when I am identified as male. I literally shift in thought and action between feminine male and female in an instant. My over-riding thought is that I am natural so what I do is natural. It is part of me.

It is confusing, and although I cannot see things from your angle, I can see it may not be easy. Just hang in there Alexx and take things as they come. You are not alone. Everyone here is with you and there are others with very similar concerns. We help each other.

Tracy x

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Charlize   
Charlize

I hope you got some rest dear.  Oftentimes my mood is low when i'm really tired.  Please take care of yourself and with us here before you hurt yourself.  You are not alone!

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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