3 months

[Clara84]

Hello everybody,

Some news.

I am already at the 3 months mark.

The blood test is perfect. Every value is in the "cis" range. 

Changes on my face and on my body are very impressive.
I've lost 60lbs.

My endocrinologist is very satisfied, so am I.

I feel better with my own image, but I still have some dysphoria signs.

I don't have anymore "passing" problems. I was able to pass as a cis-woman... in a trans* meeting !

Next appointment in 6 months; I will have THE LETTER for SRS.

 

Emotionally it's more complicated. I am questionning a lot about my life. I feel like I was just born and dropped into this life I've not chosen and that someone else built it for me. I need to build my life myself !

I reject everything from the past; I don't accept the fact I am a trans. It's a shame for me. This brings me a lot of problems with my wife and family.

Sometimes I am thinking about getting a new life. Without all those people who knew me before transitioning. ( I know it's a bad feeling)

I also feel like I am a lot younger. I am 32. But in my mind, I am about 18...

[Jani]

Very good progress Clara!  

It is certainly more complicated as you note.  There is no need to reject your past.  Its part of who you are.  Cast off the bad or unpleasant parts but cherish the good.   I think we all think of ourselves as younger than we are.  I know I do!   You are young with a full life in front of you and you'll do fine.

Congratulations,

Jani 

[VickySGV]

The physical changes I see in your pictures are very impressive and you are coming along very well.  It is over 8 years since I began my transition and one thing I have learned and need to caution you about.  Do not shut the door on your past or blank it out completely.,  Give your male self the high honor and love "he" deserves because "he" brought you to this point safely and to a place you could come out and become your True Self.  Your male self did not have as much time as mine did to do that for you but still he was there and was an important part of YOUR life.  You will find that YOU are carrying on the same goals and visions that he first had and You had before you had discovered YOU in your life or were able to even peek out of the old life.  People who knew me from 64 years ago had seen the "him" then but now know they saw ME even then, just so much more alive and so much more free to be a person they even then wondered if I was.  The old person was their friend then, and TODAY I am an open and loving GOOD FRIEND. but their memory of the old and their knowing the ME of today makes both of me even more special to them.  

[Clara84]

I can't remember good memories in a nice way.

First, memories seem to be "fading off" , like blurred.

Then, even the good memories are "wasted" by the fact I suffered from being in the wrong gender.

Perhaps I am too early in transition to ACCEPT. But I feel every people who knew "the old one" are still seeing me as "Clara, who was before ****"

For new people I am just ME and they can't imagine me otherwise than as Clara. That makes me feel very good to be around those people.

Others needs time, I also need time.

As you're a lot further in your transition than me; did you have the same feelings in early transition ?

[VickySGV]

28 minutes ago, Clara84 said:

As you're a lot further in your transition than me; did you have the same feelings in early transition ?

When I first began my transition, my fear and happy excitement that got heavily tangled with each other left almost no room for memories during the first months.  I was in a rush to get it done and the past actually was an anchor I did not want or need just then.  I could not quite go at the speed you seem to be going, but Transition occupied EVERY spare moment of my life when I was not actually doing my job or something else involving other people.  It was new and exciting to be sure.  I did balk at the idea of saving old memories at the time but others did keep me from totally trashing them.  So yes, I did have the same general feelings that you do right now.

It was in going through some of my pre-surgery counseling about two years into my HRT that I had to do another round of soul searching, especially due to my age and things going on in my family that I did come face to face with "him" and what had really happened until then (I was 64 at that time).  The HRT though had cleared my mind and I found myself actually looking at a good person who had done a lot of things that "he" had not seen that way at the time.  It was really quite a long list, and I knew I could not fully take credit for it and so it did belong to "him".  

Last summer I came to another confrontation, but in this one, childhood memories were in play, and I found out that I had to look at the child "him" and the child "me" and do things for both of them if I was to be the best "ME" today.  I am glad I had a therapist to help me with that one, and it was something I thought even my surgery had "cut out" of me, but I keep moving from Peace to Peace as a whole person who was the Him and the ME. 

You are doing fine for where you are, but please keep in mind that as Clara grows she will find peace with her past as well.

[Clara84]

30 minutes ago, VickySGV said:

You are doing fine for where you are, but please keep in mind that as Clara grows she will find peace with her past as well.

I hope so.

At this time, I see "him" like if "he" wasn't real.

Now I am real. But "he" wasn't, "he" was and acted like a machine, not like a human. That's my actual feeling.

I know I need time, but actually I just can't think about this. I just need to enjoy the present. (therefore I am sometimes aggressive towards people who talks about my past)

[Jani]

4 hours ago, VickySGV said:

The old person was their friend then, and TODAY I am an open and loving GOOD FRIEND.

Earlier in the week a very close friend said he did miss the old me. Over dinner last night he said he could never figure out why I could never be happy but he loved me just the same.  I admit I had faults back then but obviously there was some goodness there.  There is goodness in you as well and you will see if in due time.  

One of the struggles I went through was reconciling my old self with my newly exposed reality.  Only once I was able to integrate the two was I able to move forward to the point I'm at today, which is being happy with my life and the direction it is going.  You cannot deny the past, but we can learn from it.  It's never always bad.  

Jani 

[Kati]

I hope in time you will make peace with your old self.  It's part of your story.  You can't rewrite it, but you can put in perspective.  All the best. 

[JodyAnn]

Hormones can propel you to that age eighteen feeling. You have just started puberty. When you get to the five to seven year mark, hormones will be old hat! You will feel your age again but still new and improved.

Have you considered that you have always been inside of you? You had to be a good little girl and keep quiet. You were given a role and had to be a good actress however painful. Do not throw any of those memories away, bad or good. Just look at them and process through your female eyes. You were always there just playing that role.

Your comfort level will come up as the new wears off. Now may not be the time for impulsive changes. Some mistakes are hard to undo. Learn all thing female, that will naturally displace a lot of the old you. People will see that in you. What they do with it is on them. My motto is charm to disarm.