Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

3 months


Clara84

Recommended Posts

Hello everybody,

Some news.

I am already at the 3 months mark.

The blood test is perfect. Every value is in the "cis" range. 

Changes on my face and on my body are very impressive.
I've lost 60lbs.

My endocrinologist is very satisfied, so am I.

I feel better with my own image, but I still have some dysphoria signs.

I don't have anymore "passing" problems. I was able to pass as a cis-woman... in a trans* meeting !

Next appointment in 6 months; I will have THE LETTER for SRS.

 

Emotionally it's more complicated. I am questionning a lot about my life. I feel like I was just born and dropped into this life I've not chosen and that someone else built it for me. I need to build my life myself !

I reject everything from the past; I don't accept the fact I am a trans. It's a shame for me. This brings me a lot of problems with my wife and family.

Sometimes I am thinking about getting a new life. Without all those people who knew me before transitioning. ( I know it's a bad feeling)

I also feel like I am a lot younger. I am 32. But in my mind, I am about 18...

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Very good progress Clara!  

It is certainly more complicated as you note.  There is no need to reject your past.  Its part of who you are.  Cast off the bad or unpleasant parts but cherish the good.   I think we all think of ourselves as younger than we are.  I know I do!   You are young with a full life in front of you and you'll do fine.

Congratulations,

Jani 

Link to comment
  • Admin

The physical changes I see in your pictures are very impressive and you are coming along very well.  It is over 8 years since I began my transition and one thing I have learned and need to caution you about.  Do not shut the door on your past or blank it out completely.,  Give your male self the high honor and love "he" deserves because "he" brought you to this point safely and to a place you could come out and become your True Self.  Your male self did not have as much time as mine did to do that for you but still he was there and was an important part of YOUR life.  You will find that YOU are carrying on the same goals and visions that he first had and You had before you had discovered YOU in your life or were able to even peek out of the old life.  People who knew me from 64 years ago had seen the "him" then but now know they saw ME even then, just so much more alive and so much more free to be a person they even then wondered if I was.  The old person was their friend then, and TODAY I am an open and loving GOOD FRIEND. but their memory of the old and their knowing the ME of today makes both of me even more special to them.  

Link to comment

I can't remember good memories in a nice way.

First, memories seem to be "fading off" , like blurred.

Then, even the good memories are "wasted" by the fact I suffered from being in the wrong gender.

Perhaps I am too early in transition to ACCEPT. But I feel every people who knew "the old one" are still seeing me as "Clara, who was before ****"

For new people I am just ME and they can't imagine me otherwise than as Clara. That makes me feel very good to be around those people.

Others needs time, I also need time.

As you're a lot further in your transition than me; did you have the same feelings in early transition ?

Link to comment
  • Admin
28 minutes ago, Clara84 said:

As you're a lot further in your transition than me; did you have the same feelings in early transition ?

When I first began my transition, my fear and happy excitement that got heavily tangled with each other left almost no room for memories during the first months.  I was in a rush to get it done and the past actually was an anchor I did not want or need just then.  I could not quite go at the speed you seem to be going, but Transition occupied EVERY spare moment of my life when I was not actually doing my job or something else involving other people.  It was new and exciting to be sure.  I did balk at the idea of saving old memories at the time but others did keep me from totally trashing them.  So yes, I did have the same general feelings that you do right now.

It was in going through some of my pre-surgery counseling about two years into my HRT that I had to do another round of soul searching, especially due to my age and things going on in my family that I did come face to face with "him" and what had really happened until then (I was 64 at that time).  The HRT though had cleared my mind and I found myself actually looking at a good person who had done a lot of things that "he" had not seen that way at the time.  It was really quite a long list, and I knew I could not fully take credit for it and so it did belong to "him".  

Last summer I came to another confrontation, but in this one, childhood memories were in play, and I found out that I had to look at the child "him" and the child "me" and do things for both of them if I was to be the best "ME" today.  I am glad I had a therapist to help me with that one, and it was something I thought even my surgery had "cut out" of me, but I keep moving from Peace to Peace as a whole person who was the Him and the ME. 

You are doing fine for where you are, but please keep in mind that as Clara grows she will find peace with her past as well.

Link to comment
30 minutes ago, VickySGV said:

You are doing fine for where you are, but please keep in mind that as Clara grows she will find peace with her past as well.

I hope so.

At this time, I see "him" like if "he" wasn't real.

Now I am real. But "he" wasn't, "he" was and acted like a machine, not like a human. That's my actual feeling.

I know I need time, but actually I just can't think about this. I just need to enjoy the present. (therefore I am sometimes aggressive towards people who talks about my past)

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
4 hours ago, VickySGV said:

The old person was their friend then, and TODAY I am an open and loving GOOD FRIEND.

Earlier in the week a very close friend said he did miss the old me. Over dinner last night he said he could never figure out why I could never be happy but he loved me just the same.  I admit I had faults back then but obviously there was some goodness there.  There is goodness in you as well and you will see if in due time.  

One of the struggles I went through was reconciling my old self with my newly exposed reality.  Only once I was able to integrate the two was I able to move forward to the point I'm at today, which is being happy with my life and the direction it is going.  You cannot deny the past, but we can learn from it.  It's never always bad.  

Jani 

Link to comment

I hope in time you will make peace with your old self.  It's part of your story.  You can't rewrite it, but you can put in perspective.  All the best. 

Link to comment

Hormones can propel you to that age eighteen feeling. You have just started puberty. When you get to the five to seven year mark, hormones will be old hat! You will feel your age again but still new and improved.

Have you considered that you have always been inside of you? You had to be a good little girl and keep quiet. You were given a role and had to be a good actress however painful. Do not throw any of those memories away, bad or good. Just look at them and process through your female eyes. You were always there just playing that role.

Your comfort level will come up as the new wears off. Now may not be the time for impulsive changes. Some mistakes are hard to undo. Learn all thing female, that will naturally displace a lot of the old you. People will see that in you. What they do with it is on them. My motto is charm to disarm.

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   7 Members, 0 Anonymous, 97 Guests (See full list)

    • Petra Jane
    • SamC
    • MaryEllen
    • MirandaB
    • MaeBe
    • Heather Shay
    • April Marie
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.6k
    • Total Posts
      767.9k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,014
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Quillian
    Newest Member
    Quillian
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. l.demiurge
      l.demiurge
  • Posts

    • Heather Shay
      CAT FACTS A cat's jaw cannot move sideways. The only domestic animal not mentioned in the Bible is the cat   A house cat’s genome is 95.6 percent tiger, and they share many behaviors with their jungle ancestors, says Layla Morgan Wilde, a cat behavior expert and the founder of Cat Wisdom 101. These behaviors include scent marking by scratching, prey play, prey stalking, pouncing, chinning, and urine marking. Cats are believed to be the only mammals who don’t taste sweetness. Cats are nearsighted, but their peripheral vision and night vision are much better than that of humans. Cats are supposed to have 18 toes (five toes on each front paw; four toes on each back paw). Cats can jump up to six times their length. Cats’ claws all curve downward, which means that they can’t climb down trees head-first. Instead, they have to back down the trunk. Cats’ collarbones don’t connect to their other bones, as these bones are buried in their shoulder muscles. Cats have 230 bones, while humans only have 206. Cats have an extra organ that allows them to taste scents on the air, which is why your cat stares at you with her mouth open from time to time. Cats have whiskers on the backs of their front legs, as well. Cats have nearly twice the amount of neurons in their cerebral cortex as dogs. Cats have the largest eyes relative to their head size of any mammal. Cats make very little noise when they walk around. The thick, soft pads on their paws allow them to sneak up on their prey — or you! Cats’ rough tongues can lick a bone clean of any shred of meat. Cats use their long tails to balance themselves when they’re jumping or walking along narrow ledges. Cats use their whiskers to “feel” the world around them in an effort to determine which small spaces they can fit into. A cat’s whiskers are generally about the same width as its body. (This is why you should never, EVER cut their whiskers.) Cats walk like camels and giraffes: They move both of their right feet first, then move both of their left feet. No other animals walk this way. Male cats are more likely to be left-pawed, while female cats are more likely to be right-pawed. Though cats can notice the fast movements of their prey, it often seems to them that slow-moving objects are actually stagnant. Some cats are ambidextrous, but 40 percent are either left- or right-pawed. Some cats can swim. There are cats who have more than 18 toes. These extra-digit felines are referred to as being “polydactyl.”
    • Willow
      Good morning,   I over slept yesterday was a couple minutes late clocking in.  But no breakfast or coffee.  Got caught up but it was go go go all morning.  I had to ask for a refresher on how I was to enter something but once I got a quick answer it came back to me.    @KymmieL sorry Ford didn’t work out.  We are always looking for good reliable people, I could get you a job here but the commute would be rough.  Today I have three audits to get done, plus other things during my shift on top of the regular things.  Since I am opening that puts me in the drivers seat.  The Asst Mgr comes in part way throuh my shift but she will have to handle customers while I do the work she would be doing if she opened. Tail wagging the dog.  Guess she’s getting punished for not following the Mgr’s requests.  They do tend to butt heads a lot.     Butting heads with people is a thing the Asst is known for.   @awkward-yet-sweet do you think just maybe this new graphics request was in the offing?  And why you were asked to go to work with your husband?  Obviously, he cares about you a lot and is trying to do things to help you.   speaking of meeting people @Adrianna Danielle we have a youngish customer who comes in frequently, I’d like to approach her but I’m just not certain yet.  She still dresses male but has long hair and early chest development.  My approach, if I ever decided I should would just be supportive but I really can’t be sure that is what is going on here or what and I would not want to make a big blunder if that’s not what he is doing.  A male with early teen boobs doesn’t want to be noticed.   well, I can’t be late again, I’ve got to leave now.  See you again later for afternoon tea and crumpets or scones. Mmm scones!   lol   Willow
    • Carolyn Marie
      https://www.nbcnews.com/nbc-out/out-health-and-wellness/scotland-pauses-prescriptions-puberty-blockers-transgender-minors-rcna148366     Carolyn Marie
    • Carolyn Marie
      https://www.huffpost.com/entry/a-second-trump-presidency-would-be-a-nightmare-scenario-for-transgender-people_n_661ff9a9e4b07db21fd5d59b     Carolyn Marie
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      Well, HIPAA is basically useless for keeping government out of your medical stuff.  It doesn't seem to prevent employers from making workplace medical demands either.  About the only thing it seems to do is keep somebody's sister or spouse from having the tools necessary to help you when you're in trouble.  As usual, government made things worse and added unhelpful red tape.  I really doubt HIPAA will be any use in the area of trans rights either.    Honestly, I don't see anything good will come of this no matter how it goes.  If some state AG's win on this, it will cause issues for trans folks.  If the Feds win on this, it'll be a precedent to stomp on states' rights even more than has already been done.  And I'm not sure which way things go will make a difference when it comes to officials from one state trying to do nasty things to people who have left that state and gone elsewhere.    What a crap sandwich... and no matter which plate it gets served on, "We The People" get to eat it. 
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      At least you tried!  Something equivalent or better may come up, and the waiting could be worth it.  Just keep trying and you'll eventually get what you need and want.      For me, having somebody to love was the most important.  Everything else follows after that.  I waited a long time to find somebody...and she ended up leading me to more than I ever thought possible.    Actually, I'm feeling pretty good right now.  I have something work-like outside of my home responsibilities to do for the first time in about 18 months.  Nobody seems to mind the real me.  And this evening, my husband said something that just really made me feel special.  He was rubbing my back, shoulders, and chest while we talked, helping me relax.  He told me that he thought I was really cute in my girl form, but that he thinks my boy form might even be cuter.  And that he's proud of his "smart little Pocket Fox."    For me, the combination of those sweet words and the physical affection was exactly what I needed. 
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Hi!   That was probably hard to write and then read and say, did I really write that?  Been there.   I'm glad you call it a journey.  It is.  One step at a time, and sometimes two steps forward, one back.    Abby
    • April Marie
      Welcome to the forums, Violet! We glad you found us! No one here will judge you. Each of us is unique yet we all share some similarities. And many of us are in the relative early stages of self-discovery.   Take time to wander the sections of the forums. You’ll find lots of information and ideas.   Ask questions if you feel comfortable. You will find lots of people willing to share their experiences.   Is it possible for you to possibly work with a gender therapist? Many of us have found that to be extremely helpful in finding our identity and out true selves.   Just jump in. We don’t bite! We’ve all been in some version of where you are.
    • April Marie
      Literally. 
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Shameless plug for my "Taylor" story down in Stories You Write.  I am not Taylor and the experiences she goes through are not what has happened to me, but there is an emotional expression that I think is the best way to say some things that I don't know how to say otherwise.  I am not Bob, either.  But you might find out some things about me by reading it.  And I hope it is a good read and you enjoy it.  I am not done with it.  If you would like to comment on it, I would appreciate it.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Tuesday night.  They had a quick supper together at a fast food place.  Bob went off to teach karate and Taylor locked herself inside her apartment and worked on her hiring plan.   First the web site problem.  The two guys who ran it were self-taught and knew little.  It currently had three pages, the Home page, the About page and the Contact page,  She asked them to work with Karen in terms of redesigning it and she needed three designs to show Gibbs tomorrow.  The problem was three fold: the two guys and Karen.  Millville was a small town and all three were relatives of members of the Board.  Millville, Millvale. She was doing it.  People here called it either way, sometimes in the space of a few seconds.  She thought it was Millville.  All three had complained about the work, because the two boys regarded it as done and untouchable, even though they actually had not worked on it at all for months.  Like a number of people, they showed up and collected generous pay checks and did nothing.  She had looked at a number of websites and she had been told the company wanted one both internal and external customers could log into.  Her chief difficulty at the moment there was that there was very little content.  She decided to send the three complainers out tomorrow to take numerous pictures of the thirty acres  Or was it forty?  No one seemed to care. She cared, because she needed to get it right.  She debated outsourcing the website to a company, but first she needed something to outsource, and before then she needed to decide whether to keep these people.  She didn't need to mess with them.  So she decided to recommend they hire an experienced website developer with management skills. Would such a person come to Millville?  The schools were good, because the company had poured money into them, and the streets were well paved.  The company had bought all the abandoned houses and maintained them, hoping someday they would be filled again. Millville was crime-free.  People did not lock their doors. Neighborly. Very conservative, but in a good way.  Hard working, ethical, honest. Maybe the Chinese money was corrupting the town?  Not sure.  So she thought they would hire someone, even if it were a remote position.  She would rather have them here, but she would take what she would get.  That would move the website out of her hair. Secondly, she needed an effective presenter.  She could not do all these presentations herself.  She had natural talent but a lot could be passed on. She needed another Mary and another Brenda, or their understudies, effective hardworking people.   Bob. Was he okay with this?  He said she was Management.  Was that a problem?  And she was now earning a ridiculous salary, which she put down to company dysfunction more than anything she had done.  Was that a problem? She was not sure.  He was highly competitive and he had that male ego.  She did not.  A feeling of guilt rose.   Her therapist had brought up her feelings of guilt about not making Dad's expectations, never being the man Dad wanted her to be.  She never could, and this physical evidence backed that up.  What would the doctor say?  She thought about it, and that her therapist said she needed to find a sexual assault survivor's group more than a transgender group right now. Was there one here?  She thought about serving in a women's shelter.  There was one here, oddly enough connected to the church they had visited.  That F on her drivers' license would help.  She was waiting until after she talked to the doctor again to move on that stuff.   Was Bob really buying 160 acres near the old air strip on speculation?  Much of the land around Millville had been for sale for a long time.  That land was being offered at a dollar an acre, the owners having inherited it and now living out of state. Common knowledge.  They would take the first offer, and it had been for sale since the airstrip closed twenty years ago. Airstrip.  That would help.  Not tonight. Focus, girl, she told herself, and read over her notes to do so, which were making less sense the further down she went. It was eleven, and she gave up and went to bed.
    • violet r
      .my name is violet. I'm new here and thus is my first try at forums. I'm 45 and just recently having came to terms of who I really am. Thought a lot of self discovery since I stopped drinking. Drinking was my coping mechanism to hide a lot of thing. There were plenty of signs though the years. As I look back. That i hid inside. Now really sure what made all of this bubble to the surface at this time in my life.  Mabye it was waiting for me to be open minded and ready to accept that I am trans. I have a very unhealthy environment at home that is anti trans. I really don't know what else to say but hi. I hope everyone here will be accepting of me and me work through my journey of finding the real me. I know that since I accepted it I have been much happier than I can remember. Being to real me makes me happy. I hate having to hide this all the the time at home. I work retail management and have no idea if I could even stay in this business if I am to fully come out. Wow that was scary saying all that. It's a first for me
    • Ivy
      It is a lifesaver for a lot of us.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Thanks.  What I do as a man is what a woman would do if she were a man.  There is just something feminine about the way I act as a man.  It's not that being a woman is actually better, or something to aspire to, but it is just that I am one, while not being one.   If beating my head bloody to get rid off this stupid dysphoria would fix it I would find the nearest wall, but I know that if I did that, when I woke up, it would still be there.   If I did not have this struggle I would be someone else and I would be less of a person than I am.  They say an oak tree growing in an open field is far stronger than one in a forest.  The storms come and go and I stand.   This forum is the first time I have interacted with other people struggling with the same struggle and parallel struggles. It helps.
    • Ashley0616
      I'm sorry! :( Hopefully something better will come up
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...