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Shiratori

First GIC appointment tomorrow

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Shiratori

Well, the time has finally come. My first appointment at Daventry GIC is tomorrow afternoon. I'm currently experiencing a mixture of panic, elation and relief. It actually feels real now. Things are going to start happening.

One of the things they ask you to do is to write a short essay about yourself to make the process easier so that if you get an attack of nerves you have stuff written down that the therapist can refer to. I thought you fine ladies and gentlemen would like to see what I wrote:

Probably my earliest memory of not wanting to be a little boy was when I was sent to a local preschool and I learned that there was a difference between girls and boys. I always wanted to do the things that the girls got to do rather than “boy things”. This being the 1970s I didn’t really have a choice in the matter and had to do the stuff the boys did. My best friend there was a girl and so we usually hung out together at playtime and avoided the boys.



When it came time to start proper school it started to become even more apparent to me that I wasn’t allowed to do things with the girls, particularly during PE lessons. 5 year old me started to think that if I were allowed to wear girls’ uniform then maybe I’d turn into a girl, although I never actually got up the courage to try this.

When I was at home there were actually some girly clothes in the dressing up box so I would usually pick out one of the skirts to wear and would play at being Wonder Woman. It wasn’t too long before my father’s amusement turned to annoyance that his son was “a bloody jessie” and I wasn’t allowed to do that anymore and was pushed towards things that would “toughen me up”. 

During most of my childhood at school there were usually at least a couple of other boys who preferred to hand out with the girls at play at playtime instead of playing football so I would usually spend my time with them.

Once I started at secondary school I had a reputation with the others who had transferred to that school with me as “the weird kid” so most of those 5 years were spent as one of the school outcasts and I spent most of my time with my own company as the girls at secondary school weren’t interested in hanging out like they previously had. I spent most break times in the school library reading or using the computers.

I got a Saturday job at Woolworths and would occasionally steal girls’ clothing from the stock room (either underwear or swimsuits that I could put on under my clothes and not be noticed) but soon stopped that due to feelings of shame. 

I only had a couple of girlfriends during my teenage years and early 20s and those relationships didn’t last very long as I would end up feeling jealous and resentful that they had the body that I wanted so badly. I think the longest I managed to sustain a relationship during those years was about 3 months and I would normally end up ignoring them until they left me.

The majority of my 20s and 30s were spent smoking lots of cannabis and getting drunk every night as it helped to supress the feelings that hurt so much. I also decided that it was easier to not pursue any more relationships as I hated the way they made me feel and the way they made me hurt the girls I was with.

All that came to an end 4½ years ago when a girl I’d known for many years and I suddenly discovered that we had become a couple. As the relationship progressed I came to realise that I would have to tell her the truth about myself if we were to have a future. I was nervous as hell, but luckily she was very accepting and has been really supportive and was the one who encouraged me to get our GP to refer me to the GIC as I kept chickening out. We have been engaged for a little over 3½ years but have agreed to hold off getting married until after I transition. She is the one who, when I get depressed about my body hair, baldness or masculine features reassures me that I’m a pretty girl and that she loves me. When I read about other transwomen losing their partners when they come out I realise how fortunate I am to be with Jem.

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MarcieMarie12

I think you will do fine tomorrow! Whenever I hear the story of someone's journey, it amazes me how similar and how different they are to mine.

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Jani423

Very good.

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Charlize

I'm certainly glad your reaching out for professional support with he support of a friend.  I am also fortunate.  I'm sitting here typing with my wife watching BBC America news.

Best of luck tomorrow!  You'll do fine.  Simply be as open and honest as you have been here.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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Shiratori

That went well. :)

We basically went over what I'd written down in the essay in a bit more detail. I'm so glad they ask you to do that because it makes it a whole lot easier as you can get down what you want to say beforehand in case you go blank. As it turns out I ended up being really open and chatty and at the end he was happy to provide an initial diagnosis (to be confirmed at my next appointment with a different therapist. Apparently I'm transgender, who'd have thought it? :D

There was a second psychiatrist sitting in at the session. Apparently he's in training to be a gender therapist as Northants GIC are trying to increase the number of therapist s available so that they can get the waiting times back down to a reasonable level (they're currently up to 24 months from initial referral). I was asked if I was happy to have him sit in so I said yes. Anything that helps to ease the strain and get people treated quicker is a good thing in my books. :)

He says that I'll have another appointment in 3-4 months and after that I should get the OK to start hormone treatment and facial hair removal. He's also going to see about some vocal training for me.

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Jani423

Very good! 

3 minutes ago, Shiratori said:

As it turns out I ended up being really open and chatty

Boy, that was me too.  It was as if a dam had broken and all my pent up thoughts came streaming out.

You are on your way. 

Jani

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Charlize

Wonderful news.  I'm sure your going through a mixture of elation and frustration at having to wait.  Try to just breath and relax.  The journey your finding can be a bit frustrating but beautiful at the same time.  I remember those feelings but at one point i also understood that i was adjusting to a new expectation and future as time passed.  I think we may need that time to find and accept a new reality.

 

Hugs,

Charlize

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      A very good essay.   Interestingly the comments were not incendiary.  I liked this (partial) reply to one, though it didn't speak to the scouting aspect of the essay.  "While the specifics of moving from male to female and female to male differ, the motivations are essentially the same: they are all about identity, and really have nothing to do with "the grass is greener on the other side." We transsexuals think about this long and hard (because all we hold dear is at-risk), and we realize that when we change, we are gaining the problems of one side whilst losing the problems of the other (and having transgender problems besides!), BUT most of find the new problems worth the joy of being true to ourselves - very very few of us go back."  Hopefully the prior commenter who seemed supporting learned something.     Changing my problems for new ones; thats an action I can understand!   Jani
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      Line up someone to assist you with daily activities like shopping, cleaning and the such for the first week or so afterwards.  You'll be tired and busy with "homework".   Jani 
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