Coming out as Confused Letter

[Evie]

I have been at odds with my emotions for a few weeks and decided to re investigate my gender as a blank slate. This past Thursday, I had not closed my email and my parents saw messages I had been sending to another trans-girl about my gender. They took me out of school to discuss it and I passed it off as a phase I had went through. I know this wasn't the right move, but I hadn't been prepared for them to know so early especially since I was still grappling with my identity. Luckily, I am pretty sure they knew that wasn't the truth or at least the entire truth. I typed a letter that I plan to give to them which displays my real thoughts and feelings. I was hoping you guys (and I mean that as a general term) could provide feedback on it.

 

Here it is.

 

Dear Mommy and Daddy,
                I don’t know how to say this so I am typing it. I know it is more informal than handwriting a letter, but as you know, I am a faster typer. I feel like you deserve the right to know what has been going on with me, and I’m sorry my feelings have had to come out through emotional breakdowns and looking through texts/emails. I’m just not good at letting those I care about see inside of me because I subconsciously fear letting people down, and despite the claims that I can never let you down, I have trouble getting past my fears. It all happened last year when I began having some strange thoughts. I wanted to wear girl costumes (Disney princesses, super heroines, etc.). I never thought much of it at the time and naturally assumed it was one of the many effects of puberty. I’ve always viewed myself as a little girly because of my love for Disney, my lack of athleticism, and just some of my general behaviors. I attributed that to growing up with two older sisters who influenced some of my likes and dislikes. Eventually, I thought more about everything and realized the idea of being a girl actually interested me. I knew that I couldn’t just say I’m a girl because I find it to be nice. I needed reasons. I was looking for proof and it wasn’t meant to affirm my status as a male or to say I was meant to be a girl, but to discover who I am. Purpose has always been the one thing in life that I can’t comprehend. I’ve prayed to God to reveal it to me, provide me with any hints, and years went by without seeing any signs. I really wish the answer was as simple as turning to God, but it has become really complicated and I feel distanced from him. I have constantly asked God to help me and my family out, but then my aunt died, I got diabetes, and suddenly he just seemed like a cruel mastermind. I don’t know where my life is headed. I haven’t gotten a girlfriend, I’m not the smartest person at school, and I haven’t chosen a career.  The whole gender dilemma was just another issue that got added into the list. I researched everything I could about transgender people and learned some of the common threads that tied everyone together. I never had the major signs of being transgender and so I was drawn even more into confusion. I experienced some of the minor signs, but it was never enough to confirm anything. I don’t know what went through your heads when reading those emails. I don’t know your political stance on the issues, but I can understand that it isn’t completely positive if it is at all. I just want you to know that no matter what, I’m giving you a major say in decisions related to this. My number one fear of pursuing the desire is losing my family. After garnering some information and deciding that there was still a thread that needed to be followed, I joined the support chat Susan’s Place about two weeks before we left for the mountains and eventually Laura's Playground. I asked my questions and realized the mess I had gotten into. I felt every answer I received was more of a side-step and it was because the people on there didn’t want to influence any decisions I made as it was all about who I am and their opinions shouldn’t change that. I stuck around on the chat trying to get some more guidance and I did. I made my own opinions on everything and realized that it wasn’t a group of people defined by the same beliefs and everyone had their own feelings towards certain issues. Eventually I fell under the same paradox I always do where I overthink things. My interest in pursuing my desire aroused during a day’s time period and that certainly wasn’t enough time to understand everything, so I restarted as a blank slate. I stuck firm to my belief that I was a guy and soon gained the same results as before. I understand this completely strange to you. I don’t want you to think that you did anything wrong. I could not have asked for better parents and this is just something that occurred because of my curiosity. I’m not going to say I have everything figured out. Truth is, I don’t know if this is a phase. I’m not going to commit to anything until I’m 100% sure that I can handle any negative results. I don’t know if this is just a “grass is greener on the other side” scenario, hormones affecting me, etc. The only thing that I’m certain of is that something happened to me. Something I can’t explain. Something I don’t know if it’s real or not. I just need to explore it some more. I get that you were completely caught off guard when you read those emails. I was too. I didn’t understand why I was possibly thinking these thoughts. How could I be enjoying life as a guy, yet at the same time wanting to experience it as a girl? I’m not sure what this letter even is. If it helps any, it definitely isn’t a coming out letter. More of a “crazy thought” kind of letter. I’m not asking you to feel comfortable with all of this because I know that is going to be a hard request. Before I even had thoughts like these, I always viewed transgender people as more of an anomaly and it took experiencing the internal struggle to understand them. I’m not asking you to support ever decision I make. All I need you to do is love me no matter the outcome and attempt to understand what is going through my head same as I am. Believe me, I wish I could claim this was just mere wonder, but considering what I’ve done to explore it, there has to be more to it. This is a part of me now and I think the best thing for me is to continue exploring it. I don’t want you to feel like you are losing someone by me having these thoughts. I’m already doing that. I feel broken right now and I only care about making that feeling go away. If you find that this is all too much to handle, then I understand. I can’t promise you that these thoughts will go away, but I will not do anything with them aside from research if you are unable to deal with my feelings. I’m really hoping that this letter will help provide a sense of trust towards my feelings. I’m always going to find it awkward to discuss this and other issues I’m going through with you. I wish that wasn’t the case, but I don’t want to disappoint you in any way and you have all these expectations for me that I want to reach. I worry that everything I deal with is preventing me from reaching those goals. I love you and I know that you wish I’d let you in because I do to, but my fears cause me to hide those feelings.
Love your son/

 

[Jani]

Hello Evie.  Your letter is well written and shows the thought you've put in to it.  I would update the reference to Laura's Playground to be Transgender Pulse as that is our name now.  

 

I'm sorry you felt answers to your questions were side steps, but the truth is we are all on our individual journey and though there is a common thread in our lives, they are our lives to live.  My life and the reasons I transitioned are mine alone.  Was there someone to tell me I was transgender?  No, but when I read all that I could find I saw there were so many similarities in the lives of my fellow travelers.  That didn't tell me I was transgender but it did give me solace that I was not alone.  I choose to go public with my story to my family and friends, but the story didn't begin there, it had started many years before when I was quite young.  I hope you find your story and that your decision concerning it makes you happy.  That is all that matters.  

 

Jani

[Charlize]

I agree with Jani that we cannot in any way say if you are transgender or not.  We all make that decision ourselves and it seems a struggle to find that acceptance is more or less universal.  I might suggest that you might want to add a sentence asking for support from your parents in finding a gender therapist to help you.  I know after i worked with my therapist i was more able to make a decision. I found an understanding of how i could handle the way my issues might affect my loved ones.

 Best of luck with all of this.  It isn't easy and that's for sure.  What i can say is that i grew in the process and the struggle to find myself regardless of my path.

We are here to help as we can.  Your not alone.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Evie]

I was thinking of waiting off on the gender therapist for a few weeks so they have more time to process it. I wasn't trying to be rude with the comments about side-steps. I did feel that way sometimes but still got valuable info. My mom just didn't want me to get information from online chats so I wanted to show her that they didn't influence my decision and rather gave me a small spark to begin my journey.

[MarcieMarie12]

One of the things is we are not you. We all have different experiences, levels of dysphoria (or none), and family/job situations. 

 

I do not know if you have come across this, but I found it very helpful when I was questioning what was going on with me.

 

http://freethoughtblogs.com/nataliereed/2012/04/17/the-null-hypothecis/ 

 

 

[DenimAndLace]

17 hours ago, Evie said:

Purpose has always been the one thing in life that I can’t comprehend. I’ve prayed to God to reveal it to me, provide me with any hints, and years went by without seeing any signs. I really wish the answer was as simple as turning to God, but it has become really complicated and I feel distanced from him. I have constantly asked God to help me and my family out, but then my aunt died, I got diabetes, and suddenly he just seemed like a cruel mastermind. I don’t know where my life is headed.

 

I just want you to know that no matter what, I’m giving you a major say in decisions related to this. My number one fear of pursuing the desire is losing my family.

 

I'm not going to commit to anything until I’m 100% sure that I can handle any negative results. I don’t know if this is just a “grass is greener on the other side” scenario, hormones affecting me, etc. The only thing that I’m certain of is that something happened to me. Something I can’t explain. Something I don’t know if it’s real or not.

 

I'm  not asking you to support every decision I make. All I need you to do is love me no matter the outcome and attempt to understand what is going through my head same as I am. 

 

...but I will not do anything with them aside from research if you are unable to deal with my feelings.

 

...but I don’t want to disappoint you in any way and you have all these expectations for me that I want to reach.

 

Overall???  it's a well written letter.  I don't know a single thing about you except from what I just read and from that, I see a person who is exploring their gender but leaning heavily towards transgender rather than cis gender.  is that what you're trying to convey?  if so, then you hit the target.

 

One things that stands out to me however is you are giving your parents a lot of power (see the excerpts above). You may need to keep them happy to keep a roof over your head - that's very important.   however, IMO, your gender journey is YOURS alone.  you can't be someone you are not because someone you love wants you to be a certain way.  you have to be true to yourself. If you live your life according to their wishes you'll never be happy.

 

On a totally personal note, you sound a lot like me.  I mistook my parents approval for love.  when they withdrew their approval, I was crushed and I learned the difference between conditional and unconditional love.  conditional love demands conformity to what the love giver wants.  unconditional love loves no matter what.  Your religion, and the religion of your parents will be a stumbling block if you are in fact transgender and pursue transition.  Your "religion" may perish but your faith in God doesn't have to.

 

I wish you the best Evie.  Storm clouds are looming on your horizon but you're seeking help.  That's good.  We can't give you "warm fuzzy" love but nonetheless, you ARE loved (and understood) in a different way here. 

 

[Rachael]

I think your letter is great. It is difficult to say in person. 

If there was an easy answer you would already have it. 

It is a long and difficult road and I am at the beginning myself so I have no experience on coming out. I have only told those at the support group.

I have drawn support from the stories here on trans pulse, and my belief in God. Hold tight to your beliefs even if the people in your religen fail you.