Hello :)

[Natie]

Hello everyone,

 

I like to introduce myself as Natie (a short form of Natalie), though I was born as a male. To be specific, I am still not exactly sure of my true gender and I would like to discover finally get an answer to that question. I am 22 yo and I currently live in Eastern Europe - alone. My parents are a true example of being orthodox, that is why I never tried to speak to them. I simply knew how would it end. When I was little, I really enjoyed dressing as a girl and have a make-up, even though it was my older sister who dressed me like that. I enjoyed playing with girls too, when I was 5, my best friend was actually a girl and I still remember when we pretended to be the butterflies. Then the contact breached, as I had to move to a different place of the town and at 7, I was meant to go to an other school with completely different people I didn't know. I clammed up, at school I kept a company of boys but when I went playing outside after school, I didn't have any problem to play with everyone, even the girls. I disliked playing football, to be fair preferred to play in a sandbox. I was (and still am, a little) timid.

 

The real change arrived when I was 8 yo, then my entire family, as many others in these difficult times, decided to move to Western Europe for a better life. When I arrived, it was even worse than before, I didn't know anyone at all and I simply didn't know French. Had to learn it, was isolated, shy. I began to put myself into a virtual world - at this time, I've got a computer. I didn't have any difficulties with my gender at this time, I spoke of myself as a "he", my profiles where so too. Until I was 16. At this time, I began to question my identity, even though I was sexually attracted to women, many told me I was gay, now I know that maybe I'm simply bisexual and this has nothing to do with my gender. The point is that I began to question myself what it would be like to be feminine, I found myself dreaming of looking like a woman - not really crossdressing, I wanted to BE a woman, I questioned myself why I wasn't born as a girl, dreamed of it. At this time, I also had some suicidal thoughts, which have already passed. It was bothering me, but I kept living as a young man.Even if I would want to try, you have to understand I would never want to show up wearing women's clothes. It would be intimidating, I'm an introvert. So, as I wrote, I kept living as I was, enjoying the time with my friends of my birth-country, mostly girls. I compensated my desire by playing video games - you know, choosing female characters. I wrote stories with female protagonists too, I even preferred when books where written with a girl-perspective and I liked to present myself as being a girl in the web - you know, full anonymity. 

 

It has been so until this year, when I decided to make little steps to feel more comfortable. I started to take care of my body (I have a slight overweight) by eating less meat, more vegetables, flax seed, soy. I also take care of my face and get rid of my beard with a wax. I know this isn't too much, but these little steps help me feel less a man, as I don't fully identify as one. I'm not sure if I'm transgender either and I'm aware I should contact a therapist, however, you should understand I moved to Eastern Europe - here, in this region, it's mostly simply binary - you're a man or you're a woman. Especially when I live in a very little town, as I work remotely for a company in a bigger city. I hope though, that I will finally find an answer and I'm already reading these forums for a quite long time

[Dev]

Welcome to TransPulse, Natie.  I'm glad you decided to join and share your story.  I look forward to hearing the questions you may have and seeing your input on others' posts!

[Jani]

Hello Natie and welcome.   Questioning ones identity and gender is completely OK.  Wearing clothing of the opposite gender is intimidating at first but once you get past the fear and you realize that personally you are comfortable with what you wear, it is fine.  Start small and easy.  You can even shop online if you need to so not to draw attention.  There are things you can wear that will not give away your secret straight away but it may help by being comfortable for you.  

 

I think quite a few of us tend to be introverted by default since we are maintaining a secret.  I have found that since realizing the "real me" I am fairly outgoing.  You may be too!   That's great that you are taking care of your body. Eating well is important.  You say its isn't too much but it is!!!  We all take the steps we need to move forward at our own pace.  Your journey is yours alone.  But we are here to support and encourage you where we can.  I'm sure you've read many of our posts about our personal stories and found many are very similar to yours.  Parents are a particular concern since we have a direct link to them.  Mine are considerable older than yours and I can attest it is difficult. (I may be older than your parents!)  My father has a hard time, although I know he still loves me.   

 

You are correct that a therapist would be a big advantage.  You might be able to find one that does meetings via Skype or FaceTime.  That way you are not limited by geography.  I hope you find a response to the questions you are seeking to answer.  You've made an initial step and you are here.  Congratulations.  We are here to support you.  You are part of a large community.  Please join in the conversation when you can.

 

Cheers,

Jani  

 

  

[tracy_j]

Hi Natie

 

Welcome

 

It's good that you have taken your steps. It is something you would always wonder about, and need to explore.

 

I know cultures and people differ, but do not write off your parents completely. It is good to stay in contact, even if they never know the full extent of your change. I live as androgyne, and am usually dressed female. My brother, for one, along with his wife have seen me dressed in a local supermarket wearing girly clothes (skirt, tights etc). I suspect they were not impressed, but in our family there is no direct predjudice.  I have never explained anything to the family, except my partner and son. As I am not physically changing (surgery) and unlikely to officially change gender I think, for me, it would be too complicated (especially as my mother is very forgetful so I would have to continuously explain things). They accept me as I am with no problems.

 

You will find your way. Just to tread carefully for the first few steps until you get to know yourself and your environment better. You will become more confident with time

 

Tracy x

 

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Natie,

Welcome to TransPulse. I'm happy that you've found us. 

Remember that this is not a race. Take your time to explore yourself. Utilize the resources available to you. You're worth the time and effort.

I hope to hear from you again!

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf?

[MarcieMarie12]

Hi Natalie and welcome to Transpulse!

 

Hugs,

Marcie