Newly Questioning(not common)

[Lauryn Michelle]

First question:

 

What are good questions to ask myself?

 

2nd question:

 

How can I explore feminimity? 

(My mom is a tomboy, and my sister is 7 years older than me)

 

I watched a lot of sissy-porn. Does that brainwash me? Am i just a pervert? This crossdressing a delusion? Or is there something to me watching that? Why watch it unless i identified in some way?

 

Another question lead by some observance 

 

Observance: I have been reading some forums and watching Gender therapists speak of "Gender Questioning". What commonly arises is the idea of a "spectrum". Like if one even questions, then they are somewhere on that spectrum.

 

Question: The analytical obsessive part of my mind wants to know at least roughly where I currently am on that spectrum(30%? 50%?), and where my momentum lay(i currently know my momentum is going opposite of my assigned gender).

That is probably too much to ask, so here is some info about me, perhaps a nice person on here can help me "rough shot" this, or redirect my thinking.

 

36 year old, never have had an intimate long term relationship. Been crossdressing since about June, also had my first experience with a transwoman around the same time. A lot of newness in my life. My preference is cis, and transwomen, and versatility.(I find encounters with trans more enjoyable, and dare I say natural, but the ones i have seen arent attracted to other transwomen)

I feel really good when i wear make-up, fem clothing, and a wig. There is a sense of eroticism as well. I am getting closer to buying heals and a dress of some sort. I want to learn more about make up application.

 

I can't stop thinking about this topic, my sponsor in SAA(i am 12 days sober in sex, but 8 years sober from alcohol) advised I get on a forum, ask questions, get to know more about what is going on with me. Nonstop thinking about this, like an obsession, hope this isnt a head sickness?

 

I have been reading a lot of your good forums, have been all over youtube, and recently ordered a book on Gender.

 

I dont feel that I dislike my male body, but I have a desire to lose weight, to shape my body to be more feminine with exercise( i stopped weight lifting a month ago, and even though I did it a lot, i dont see myself power-lifting again. Whatever the drive was, is gone), i entertain the notion of taking dancing classes, and recenly signed up for yoga.  I desire to shave my body hair, to try and regrow head hair, maybe even paint my toe nails. Perhaps at some point peirce my ears, i feel like that would be the borderline before taking this further. I feel uneasy about things that are visibly questionable to others. I DONT WANT TO ANSWER QUESTIONS HAHA, but should this truly progress, that will be impossible. Part of me hopes that this will just go as far as by myself in my bedroom, and yet another part of me feels a sense of happiness when thinking of myself fully adorned in a safe public space.

 

Do men that dont prefer men, eventually prefer men once transitioned?

 

Would I be like a lesbian if I still didnt prefer men, and what would the likliehood of finding love be in that narrow field?

 

Ok, that was long, and its time fgor Yoga. If anybody actually read this, awesome, thank you.

If you respond, even better

[MaryEllen]

Hello Clara Bell,

 

Welcome to TransPulse.   Your thoughts of a gender therapist would be a good avenue to pursue. He or she could advise you and answer a lot of your questions. There's no timeline as to how quickly you do this but it's perfectly fine if you wanted to start feminizing yourself. Letting your hair grow out, shaving bodily hair, painting your nails, etc. As far as sexual orientation, that up to you. You may want to turn to men as you progress or you may want to stay with women. Time will tell.

 MaryEllen

[MarcieMarie12]

To your first question, I would suggest reading this article: https://freethoughtblogs.com/nataliereed/2012/04/17/the-null-hypothecis/. It really helped me in my questioning phase. 

 

To your second question: I took stock of every step to see if for me it felt wrong. I had my gender therapist there as well to help me understand myself better, and to keep me honest with myself. He also helped me though some of the tougher parts of transitioning such as coming out to my family and work.

 

Sexual orientation did change slightly for me, after realizing I was trans and started to transition I realized I was also pan. 

 

[Charlize]

I'm glad you've joined us here Clara Bell.  Many of us come here (perhaps most) looking for answers similar to the ones you ask.  It takes time to find a path.  I received the same advice that Mary Ellen has given you.  Don't rush and go to a gender therapist.

Reading and posting here helped  me as well.  

 

You are not alone.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Lauryn Michelle]

Thank you all for your quick suppport!

I will seek a gender therapist, and do this the best i can. 

Thank you MarcieMarie12 for the aricle you reccomended, it  was great, emotional. I dont know why I cried reading it, i dont know why I cry about this sometimes. I just do.

I am definitely feeling it is wise to go slow, yet my desire to be more fem grows, and my desire to let more close friends know grows. I hope i can be mature about this, and be reserved.

 

Thank you all ?

[Katelyn]

Hi there Clara Bell, 

 

Letting other's know can be a good step, though I don't know if shouting it from a rooftop would be advised. The support of friends and family can help normalise the chaos in the questioning and doubtful thoughts we have.

 

This was the case for me when I decided to acknowledge my fem side. My best friend, an uncle and an aunt and later my father and step mother. Around those people I could vent, attempt to dress, do makeup and be honest about it, a safe place if you will. During my lows they helped pick me up again too. 

 

I hope you have someone who would be able to help you in a similar way in your life. 

 

Oh, and welcome. Hope to hear more from you.