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Cindy Truheart

My post angst, crybaby, white trash, worthless life.

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Cindy Truheart

I started drinking at 9:28am. I fixed my drink in the same glass that I used last night, it still had a little left in it. I just went and hit the pipe too. I don't know why I'm doing this. I'm just going to make myself sick again rather than make it go away

 

The top of my thighs are a mess of black and blue. The pain isn't helping as much but I keep trying to stop hitting the walls and tables. My hands have been showing the signs of years of hitting things until I hurt and bleed. Arthritis is already setting in, but it doesn't really matter. I'm just trying to get it to go away again and pain was able to train it out of me before.

 

I'm blasting heavy metal as loud as I can. It helps to drown out some of the thoughts. F*<; my neighbors.

 

If it wasn't for the fact that I don't want my bff (former wife become best friend) to kill herself, I'd have checked out a long time ago. But not only did she stay while I transitioned, she stayed even when I discovered that I'm not attracted to women.

 

Despite transitioning, I feel trapped in a life that I don't want. I can't be me. I'm a step closer and it does make day to day life easier to deal with, but I can't have all that I want or be all that I am. I can't hurt her, so I can't leave her and I can't end my hell. The pain would be too much for her and she would end her life, I can't do that to her.

 

But it doesn't matter anyway. Every male I knew in my life up until I entered high school beat on me and caused me pain. I don't know that I could trust a man enough to be with him. I'm desperately curious about sex because I've never really enjoyed it before, but that's because I've never been with a man. But the ones I've encountered since I've come out are either looking for a fetish or not interested. I'm only going to attract those who are interested a kinda female exterior and mostly male body to have sex on the down low. And yes, I'm sure I'm attracted to men. Those of you who didn't have a mix up with your sexuality and know you are attracted to women can just shut up. I'm sick of you telling me that I need to just be with women because it's better. I didn't choose this sh!! and I didn't choose to have my father give me a concussion because he thought I was acting like a "sissy" when I was 8 years old. I didn't decide to like d*<; just because my adopted brother molested and raped me when I was 4 years old. It was programmed in from the beginning and now I'm stuck living this hell.

 

My therapist has come to understand how much I lie. I lie about damn near everything. I was finally able to get her to understand a bit, but I don't think she knows how much I do it. I've gotten so good that sometimes I don't even realize that I'm doing it. I used lies with physical pain to train myself to live as a straight cis male. I didn't realize what I'd done for over twenty years. I'm doing that again to make myself forget that I'm attracted to men. That's why I'm bruised. I desperately want to shove my sexuality into a box and pretend that it doesn't exist. It's not working, just like the first time. I'm going to have to escalate just like the first time. Maybe I could pay someone to beat the crap out of me every once in a while.

 

My genitals hurt. It wasn't supposed to last this long (over a year), but it won't go away. I've tried different things, but nothing has worked. My insurance is crap so I haven't tried to go to a specialist like my doctor wants. My blood work when I first went to them was $600 out of pocket and I'm afraid of what it would be for a specialist. The pain started out happening only when I was aroused, but now I get pain sometimes for no reason. Because of this and other things I suspect I was born intersex. Several family members have told me that when I was born I had to have a surgery on my genitals.

 

Whenever I go off like this I think I'm whining about nothing. I feel like my problems aren't important and don't matter. So I feel like I'm wasting your time if you bother to read this. I feel like I'm being a cry baby and that makes me punish myself again.

 

My meds are off. I know I shouldn't be thinking this way. My doctor told me that HRT could mess with my other medications. The last time I was there we tweaked things and I think I finally hit tip over. I went in for blood work in anticipation for my next appointment and they posted some of the results online. My levels are dangerously off and I know that it could be part of the reason for how I feel right now. But to be honest for once in my life, I always feel this way, it's just a matter of it coming to the surface. Unfortunately I can't take a lot of medications though. My body reacts strangely. It's been this way all my life and at least half the reason why I was too afraid to try anything harder than marijuana. The first time I smoked pot I puked all over a table while people were eating, got kicked out of the restaurant and spent the next two hours unable to move. Cholesterol meds make me feel like I'm either having a heart attack or someone is stabbing me in the chest. Anti-depressants make me more depressed to the point of physically finding it difficult to move. I really wish I could take anti-depressants though. I'd like to know what life is like.

 

I found a website last night. I think this is how it all started. Its a site where Moms of LGBT kids write letters for those in the community who's family doesn't accept them. The letter I read took me back to basic training, back before I repressed. I thought the military would "fix me". But I was so lonely and afraid. I begged my parents to write me and I called when I could. I would ball my eyes out when I talked to them to the point that very few words were spoken, it was mostly me sobbing and crying. Despite writing close to ten letters to my mother even though I didn't have time to write, I only received two from her. Ever. After basic I spent thousands of dollars and took out loans to go back home and visit for years. So far the only people who have visited me is a cousin who was passing through and stopped by, and my sister who came to see me this year after I came out. My parents have never called, texted, or emailed me unless I initiated the contact. We went for years without any contact even during the holidays. Now my Dad is dead and my Mom is dead to me after lying to me and talking trash about my decision to transition behind my back.

 

My best friend from high school was my secret crush. He's rejected me completely, misgendering me and using my dead name on purpose then insinuating that I'm a mentally ill freak. I still love him. Or at least who he was anyway. But I suppose it doesn't really matter, why should it?

 

I stopped posting here because I believe that everyone here has better things to do than read my posts. I've tried to be active in other places, but ultimately I'm either attacked for reasons that I'm unaware of or I start to feel like I'm being too much of a burden and whining too much.

 

I can't seem to stop crying. That doesn't matter either. Nothing does. I'll drink until I pass out then wake up and do it again. I'll hide myself and what I'm going through from the world, like I always do. When it's time to work, I'll work. When I don't have to work, I'll get drunk and high. I wish I had the courage to try the hard stuff, maybe it would work better. I wish I had the courage to leave this world. But I'm a coward. Always have been. I ran from the bullies in school and when my Dad insisted that I stand up to them I had to put myself into a berserker rage to do it. I hate confrontation. I hate people for the most part. I hate myself and what I am more.

 

Is it possible to die from drinking too much? I always thought you would just puke and pass out. But I've heard of alcohol poisoning. Ah. Still suicide. I need an accident. Maybe she could get past that. Seat belt unfastened, 80mph and a swerve at the last second should do it. But if I survived it, it'd be worse.

 

Now I'm rambling. Or at least now I realize it. It doesn't really matter, nothing ever does.

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Carolyn Marie

Hello, again, Cindy.  I'm so sorry that I was away and didn't see your post until just now.

 

Hon, I hear your pain and despair, and I wish I could be there and give you a long hug, because you sure as hell need one right now.  I want to assure you that no one here thinks you're whining, or thinks you're wasting anyone's time.  All of us have had times when we need to just cry out and let others know of our pain.  You can post your feelings any time you want, as often as you want.  That's the reason all of us are here; to help people get through their crises without hurting themselves.

 

Cindy, I can't solve all your problems.  I don't know if I can solve any of them.  What I can do is listen, and offer bits of advice, and remind you that you, and your life, matters.  Your life has meaning, even if you can't see that right now.

 

If you can, I urge you to log into Chat and have a real time conversation with our crisis staff.  That's probably a lot better than trying to converse via the forums, because you get immediate response, and those folks are trained and experienced.  But if you can't, we can help here in this forum.

 

If your therapist has 24 hour contacts, I would really like you to contact her today or over the weekend and explain about how you're feeling right now, and she can help you.  Perhaps there is a medication that your body can tolerate that will make you feel better.  Drinking and smoking pot aren't the answers, but I know that they can seem like the answer at this moment.  I hope you can resist that urge, and the urge to hurt yourself, too

 

Can you find something to take your mind off your feelings for a bit?  Maybe take a walk, find a nice place outdoors that is peaceful, or if hard exercise might help, can you go for a job or a bike ride or the gym?  If exercise isn't the answer, maybe some of your favorite music (besides the heavy metal?) would calm you down some.

 

Do you have any friends that can come over and keep you company?  It's important to talk to someone you can trust.  If not, as I said, we can keep you company here.

 

You know, as far as attraction goes, it isn't unusual for trans women to like men.  That is certainly nothing to be ashamed of or apologetic about.  We all have different desires when it comes to attraction and sex, and there is no 'right" way to be.  I can certainly relate to much of what you said, including the crush on a high school friend.  It brings back some memories for me.

 

You've gone through so much in your life.  You deserve better, because you're important.  I hope some of what I said resonates with you, hon.  Hang in there.  It will get better.

 

((((HUGS))))

 

Carolyn Marie

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MarcieMarie12

Hi Cindy, you were never a bother. We are here (even if just virtual) for each other, support and to vent. I wish I could do more than give you a virtual hug. I have heard dataing while trans is tough because most of the men that might be interested are interested in the Fetish side of things . Some of my trans friends had better luck with bi/pan men (they tend to have fewer hang ups). 

 

You need to have an honest talk with your therapist, you also need to be honest with yourself. Drinking and doing hard drugs does nothing to solve the issues, just spending money and impairing your ability to handle any of it (it can also impair your medications). Instead of doing either find either a boxing gym or some other safer way to vent your frustrations. I found walking along the river front  worked for me, yoga did not.. One friend of mine prefers to meditate, and actually has a room in her town house where she does just that. 

 

I would second Carolyn's suggestion to call your therapist, or chat with one of the members here via the chat.

 

We are all here for you, hugs-Marcie 

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Charlize

Hi Cindy.  Hopefully your feeling better now or getting some rest.  There is so much in your post that brings back my past and my eventual addiction to alcohol.  I prayed that alcohol would take me and it nearly did.  My heart medications didn't work.  I was on anti depressants with no effect.  I was fortunate and somehow managed to walk into an AA meeting.  I found a path away from alcohol.  I also found a path towards self acceptance through an honesty i found in the program of AA.  Tonight i'm off to an GLBTQ meeting where i and others trust others in ways i never thought possible.  I can share my fears there as nowhere else.  The honesty i found there has helped me get past the need to hurt myself.  With time in sobriety the anti depressant worked.  Now i no longer take it.

I'm glad you were open here.  I can in no way tell you what to do, only where i found relief.  I can say your not alone.  

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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Timber Wolf

Hi Cindy,

Let me start out by telling you something I was told 12 years ago. You are not a bad person, you are a good person with a big problem. I was told this while in a drug rehab.

 

I have read your posts in the past. Those posts were written by a good person, and that person was you. You are a good person.

 

In recent years I have lost almost everyrhing that I've loved and held most dear. My home in the north woods, not just the house, but the entire way of life that I loved so dearly. I feel betrayed by a god that I had placed my complete trust in. Instead of living in the forest, I now live in one of the worst neighborhoods in Grand Rapids. I have a lot of pain and anger that I feel every day. It's like having a dagger tthrust into my heart. I find myself wondering if I will ever be able to live without this pain again.

 

But I have learned through life's experience that drugs and alcohol won't make anything better. Harder drugs won't make pain go away, they will only make things get worse faster. They are so deceptive. They promise numbness and deliver it just enough to lead you on, and then they fail you. We only end up worse off than before.

 

The only way I've found to get through my own situation is to move forward. We need eachothers help to do so, and sometimes professional help. And it takes work, hard work. But as time has passed, I've begun to discover beauty in life, even here in this miserable city. And I look for those things, for that beauty in life. It took time to get to where I'm at now with my own struggles, and I've still got a long way to go. I don't want to live the rest of my life with this pain. I know that life is too important to give up and quit. So I move forward. That's the only real way out of my pain that I know.

 

I hope you can see what I'm trying to say. I'm not offering a quick fix. They say time heals all wounds. I don't know if that's really so, but I do know it takes time. It also takes hope, and that's something I refuse to give up on. 

 

You do have a very strong and positive thing going for you, and that's the love of your wife. It shines like a becon if you look for it. You also have the love you find here. Reach out to it. Never feel you're being a bother for doing so. If I felt I was being bothered, I wouldn't be here. But I am here. I care. I will love you until you can love yourself, because you are worth it. Look for the hope and love. They get me through a lot of rough times.

 

Lots of love and a big hug,

Timber Wolf🐾

 

 

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Jani423

Cindy, my heart aches for you now.  I echo what our friends say and will reaffirm that you are a good person with a worthwhile life to live.  Please seek out the help you need.  We're counting on you to do what's best for you.

 

Hugs, 

Jani

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Cindy Truheart

I passed out listening to heavy metal. Woke up and started all over again. The pot gives me an appetite otherwise I doubt I'd eat anything. I don't like the high much, I prefer my booze. Together it's a love-hate relationship that leaves me feeling sick until I pass out. I don't always use pot, it's just that lately the alcohol isn't as effective.

 

My bff/roomate/ex/whatever gets me out of my head a bit. But I have to navigate the web of being invited to her room and her hitting on me. You'd think that when she saw me kiss that guy she'd have gotten the hint, but no, she still wants me in her bed. I wish I could, life would be easier. Of course, every time I express my sexuality she suddenly starts coming on really strong. It's like, my wanting to be myself threatens her and she has to reestablish what was.

 

But it's starting to work now. The training. I don't feel anything when I think about kissing a guy despite knowing that it was the single greatest feeling I've ever known. I don't relive it, I don't feel those feelings now. Objective number one, achieved. Eventually I will be able to tell myself that it never happened. I'll believe it too.

 

I'm not sure how I'm going to give myself my E shot tomorrow though. Softly touching my thighs is enough to hurt. You'd think I'd look forward to it, another chance for pain and punishment. But I hate needles. I mean really, really, really hate them. Always have. But if I know it's coming, if I can prepare, it never hurts much.

 

I've been told laser hair removal was painful. Not really. Even with the old school, at home system I have. My tattoo was worse and I didn't think it was bad until they hit my shoulder blade. My pain tolerance is REALLY high now. Maybe it's because I've continued to hurt myself for so many years. But I'm starting to wonder if my pain tolerance is high enough finally. I couldn't do it before because I was afraid of pain. But it doesn't matter.

 

I thank you all for your concern. But really, I'm not going anywhere. I'm trapped, remember? Trapped. In hell. Because I won't cause anymore pain. I won't let another person suffer because of me. And she would suffer if I left. So I'm here, even though I really wish I wasn't. So I keep her at arms length and pray she stays all at the same time. Mixed signals to her. No wonder we have so many issues.

 

And again, it doesn't matter. None of it does. I'm not getting out of this. I couldn't do it as long as she needs me. I'm tied here. Taking up your time to post about something that doesn't matter and can't change. Perfect.

 

Time for another shot. I'm still going to remember this tomorrow. Not that it matters.

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VickySGV

If I were there in Denver I would be wanting to drag you to a place to help you get rid of that highly unreliable guy named Al C. Hol.  I know at this point in time you would not get anything good going if I did that, but I can dream I could get you to do that.  Al does not really get rid of pain, it actually makes it worse and gets in the way of making some big forward moving decisions that will make life manageable for both or more of you there.  I know I am shouting down a well here, but I have been there nine years ago and know what it is to sober up and find out things look nowhere near as bad as they are.  You say you don't want to hurt other people, but ALL the folks I know in recovery say that the booze and drugs ends up with a hurt that can be really tough to heal for you and every person you touch.  Lets break the self harm cycle and get some life going, it will not be comfortable or easy for a while, but it gets better every day, as I have found over 3,333 days today. 

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