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Demeaning


Nora Kayte

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Here is a little story of why I have tears in my eyes and feeling hurt. When I don’t think I should be. 

 

I finally was was able to get up early this morning. Like I have been wanting to. I have been wanting to start my days earlier by waking the dog then doing some stair stepper. And get moving earlier. 

 

So so I was feeling awesome this morning and my wife was in the kitchen and asked me to hand her an Apple. I handed her an Apple and I was thinking how many times she has taken fruit with her for lunch and have not eating it so I tried to be cute and I said.....

 

this apples feelings would be hurt if you take him with you and don’t eat him. I was just trying to tell her to eat her fruit in a cute way. 

 

She said that that was being demeaning to her. I was completely dumbfounded by that and it lead to a little bit of an argument and me having all kinds of feelings come back from my childhood. My dad who was the most demeaning person I have ever known. He was so demeaning to me and my sister, could only imagine how he was to my mom and step mom. Both of them who divorced him. 

 

For me, calling me demeaning is as bad as if someone called me a bigot. Being demeaning is something I grew up around. As well as my bigot father. Something I vowed I would never be. I would never be like my dad. Never! I could never understand why anybody would do something to hurt someone with words. Even when I managed people in my work place, I would always try and be the best I could be. I never told people what to do. I would ask. I would say can you do me a favor. Never tell someone. And the respect way always worked for me.   

 

Being demeaning is is part of what’s wrong with society. A big part. If people would just go out of their way to try and make people feel good about themselves. How great would the world be. Smile at someone. Say good morning to someone. Try and find cute ways to get someone to eat their fruit. Tell others they can do anything they set their mind to. Pump people up, instead of bringing them down. What everyone of us here try and do for our sisters and brothers here in this site. Love love love. Love can win. I love everyone, until I have a reason not to. I love. I don’t hate. I can’t even hate those who hate me. They can still learn to love. 

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  • Forum Moderator

Nora I'm sorry to hear this and that you ended up arguing.  It's never a good way to start the day.  

 

Now, personally I don't think your comment got to the level of being demeaning but I don't know your wife or your history as a couple.  I've said something in the same vein to my wife before and she just brushes it off.  We're all different with differing trigger points good and bad.  

 

Unfortunately society is made up of all types of personalities, introverts and extroverts, people who think of others and those who are self centered, so hoping for us all to work at making others feel good may be a stretch at this point in time.  But I do believe it all starts with us as an individual.  Our own acts of kindness whether they are overt or quietly behind the scenes is what will change the world.  We change the world one person at a time.  I can see where your head is and that you are trying.  Don't get disappointed when your efforts fail, even with someone you love.  

My wife and I have different communication styles and for me to be a better spouse I have had to alter my style to better communicate with her.  Whether she has done the same for me is besides the point as I cannot control (nor do I want to) her.  This is one way I am trying to impact the world, by being kind and trying to understand others.

 

Keep smiling and doing your best.

 

Cheers, Jani   

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  • Forum Moderator

Hi Nora,

Love is the way. I try to spread it where I can and seen it change the world around me. I've seen some amazing responses to it. I've also seen it hit with a dull thud on uncaring people. I've felt pain from it. But I've also found some of the most special friends I've ever known with it. Those dear friends I would not trade for all the protection against pain in the world. 

 

Keep spreading the love!

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf?

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@Nora Kayte

You're telling us that you said it in a cute way, not intending it to be demeaning - I believe you.  I really do.  BUT, because of other ways we communicate (tone, inflection, body language, etc) OR just because there was/is something about her and the way she heard it this morning, it WAS demeaning.  That's also a fact.  She told you so.

 

Two words:  Intent and Impact

 

At this point, it doesn't matter what your intent was; you hurt her.  The impact of your words was hurtful.  Own it.  Ask for forgiveness.  Don't justify or explain it.  Maybe later, you'll be able to explain your intent but not before she forgives you and her emotions calm down.

 

Like I said in an earlier post, you have to be willing to hear hard things, including, "you hurt me" AND be able to say hard things, including, "will you forgive me?" 

 

This is an unusually strong, no BS answer but please don't be mad at me and remember, IT GOES BOTH WAYS!  The roles WILL be reversed some day and it will be her intent that impacts you wrongly.  If you guys get good at this, I bet (and hope) you'll be thanking me someday. :)  Try it.

 

P.S.  This conversation reminds me that I need to reiterate my apology for snapping at my wife last night.  I let some minor ways she  hurt me pile up and when she asked me a question, I unleashed the sum total of my emotion for those hurts in harsh words.  It blindsided both of us but I told her I was sorry (about an hour later).  Now I need to ask for forgiveness.  It's just the nice habit we've gotten into that prevents animosity between us.

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  • Forum Moderator

D&L, thank you for a great response.  This is something we all know but seem to forget from time to time, including yours truly.    

 

Jani

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I love this place and you guys even though I’ve only been here a short time. But one thing I know is my wife has the biggest heart in the world. She deserves a lot better than me. But she loves me and I love her so we try and try. I have apologized to her and her to me. I did tell her I was sorry that I made her feel that way and explained why I was hurt. She pretty much did the same. One thing that we talked about is how much better I have been. I used to have a short temper and would yell at the slightest hint of a disagreement. Now I don’t yell and I am working on tone. It is hard for me to understand tone. I feel I am calm cool and collected. And she still says I am yelling at her, when I know for sure I am not yelling. But it is the tone. It’s the way I say it. 

Again I want to thank everyone for telling me how they truly feel on every subject. Whether you think it may upset me or not. Honesty is the one thing I respect more than anything. I love blunt. I always have said and feel if you don’t want the truth. Don’t ask. 

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Whew!  I'm glad my response didn't upset you.  I was worried my INTENT would IMPACT badly LOL.  Another one of my mantras is that there IS a way to say almost anything to anyone in a way that it will be received well.  I'm so glad you and your wife worked things out.  Congratulations!!!  Now go and do it again.  :)

 

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57 minutes ago, DenimAndLace said:

Whew!  I'm glad my response didn't upset you.  I was worried my INTENT would IMPACT badly LOL.  Another one of my mantras is that there IS a way to say almost anything to anyone in a way that it will be received well.  I'm so glad you and your wife worked things out.  Congratulations!!!  Now go and do it again.  :)

 

In my opinion, You should never have to worry about what you say upsetting anybody. But we all do. Me personally, I love it. I like knowing how people really feel. Even if I do not agree with something I can respect others point of view. For some reason I am the one who has always gotten along with people that others think I would but heads with. The last person I worked for became one of my good friends. Him becoming my friend is why I worked for him the last time. When the whole company found out he was being transferred to my store as my manager everybody said I would be fired wothnin the week. He was hard but fair. Said what he meant and how he felt. And I was the same way. We had mutual respect. He was the reason I became manager of my own store. Then when the company tanked he bought his store and I went to work for him. Now, because of distance we are Facebook friends who don’t really talk anymore. 

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  • Forum Moderator

One of those comments that ends up being caught the wrong way. I say that because my partner and I often communicate with similar comments. It is one way I can tell if she is in a good mood because if the response is negative she isn't.  It's not really demeaning when taken in context - perhaps regression to childlike behaviour and talk - playfull and teasing - a return to early love?

 

Tracy

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