Checking in / Coming to terms

[Cindy Truheart]

Hey everyone, I thought I'd give an update on the roller coaster that seems to be my life.

 

It was going good for me for a while there. I thought I was starting to get some things locked down. But Thanksgiving was much more difficult than I could have believed. Things got bad, then things got worse, and really fast. Just when I thought I was coming out of that, I got hit with more stuff that sent me spiraling off into the abyss. I won't go into all of it, but let's just say that I've been dealing with things that I didn't think would be an issue once upon a time.

 

But I do want to say that I've discovered one thing, and it's been a really difficult pill to swallow.... You have to go through it. The emotions, the pain, the crying, the anger, the self-loathing, the depression, the insane disaster that may be life right now. I tried to cheat my way around that. I tried to avoid it by doing what I'm apparently really good at, repression. I'd managed to repress my gender and sexuality for over twenty years. I'd learned how from the physical and mental abuse I had as a child. I'd put it to work for me and managed to hide behind walls in my head for half my life. I tried to do it again so that I wouldn't have to deal with all these emotions and issues all at once. I was feeling overwhelmed by everything and I thought I could at least put my sexuality back into a box. But it doesn't work that way. I found out that even though I was making progress getting my sexuality under control, I was also going back to being an increasingly angry and miserable person again. I had to admit that it wasn't going to work. Not if my goal was to be happy.

 

I'm not there yet by any stretch of the imagination. I still have a hell of a lot to deal with. And I feel overwhelmed just thinking about everything. I'm going to try and keep myself active so that I don't think about things all the time. Maybe by getting out of my head and living life will help some. I've started looking at a UUA church in the area. I've never been one for organized religion, but I think I'll give it a try. At least it'll keep me from staying up too late on a Saturday night. We've bought a membership at the nearby community gym and swimming pool. I don't think I can bring myself to wear a bathing suit in public just yet. But taking some exercise classes in the evenings seems like a good way to occupy my time. I'm also looking at trying to find some free space to be able to practice Bellydancing again. Even before I could admit to myself that I'm female, it was one thing I absolutely loved and I've been missing it lately.

 

I think that simply realizing that transition is more than just the physical and social parts has helped. I used to think that one or the other would be the spark, the flipped switch that would finally make everything alright. I've managed to do the social part and it's been good. But I'm not going to be able to do the physical part. Or maybe not all of it. I think I'm going to have to start thinking really hard about what I want. Unless I can find a rich man or I win the lottery, I'll be lucky to afford bottom surgery before my health becomes an issue. So I'm trying to come to terms with being this person. I'm trying to come to terms with looking in the mirror. That isn't easy to do when you've got a sister who's always been beautiful and now seems to have the perfect man as well. I don't think Prince Charming was ever into trans women. Happy endings are for fairytales because this Cinderella is going to have to watch others have it all, just like when I was a kid. Like I said, I still have a hell of a lot to deal with.

 

But I wanted to let you all know that I'm still here. I haven't completely given up yet. I can't say that I have any hope right now however. Now I have to go deal with the next bit of adversity because I think our 14 year old kitty may be dying.... Sometimes I feel like it never stops. But I'm still here, and I'm still trying.

[Dev]

Cindy, it's good to hear you're still fighting, especially now that you've decided to confront the stresses that plague you.  I'm sorry to hear about your cat - mine turns 15 next month and I have no idea what I'll do without him.

[Jani]

Hey Cindy, thanks for the update.  We've all been worried about you and hoped you would make it all right.  It seems there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  Life and times can be difficult with unexpected turns that send you reeling.  It would be nice if it were all easy but as you noted "But it doesn't work that way."   You are right that transition is more than social and physical attributes.  It appears you are on the path forward.  This is good to hear.  

 

Hugs, 

Jani

[Rachael]

I wish I knew what to say to make it better for you. But I have no magic cure and everyone's journey is different. I like the church idea my faith helped me so much. Grab onto whatever faith you have hold on tight and never stop believing things will get better. If you are not going to a support group already find one and go it helped me I now go to two support groups. I hope your Christmas is enjoyable for you. 

[Charlize]

Thanks for checking in Cyndi.  This life we find ourselves living seems often to be rougher than we would wish for to say the least.  I think that simply trying to find acceptance of the hand i've been dealt is the best i can do.  Peace in my life only comes with that acceptance.  That being said it doesn't mean i don't keep working to move forward but where that takes me is beyond my control.  Best of luck with your cat.  Ours is over 20 now and totters around the house to get a bit to eat, go to the litter box and the bed in the corner.  Poor old guy...... soon enough that will be about all i can do but so far i'm still kicking as i can.

Keep in touch.  Reaching out here has helped me.  Perhaps it's because i know i'm not alone.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[tracy_j]

Hi Cindi

 

Thanks for the update. One thing I have noticed that it seems like one step back for every two forward for many. You will get there. I hope kitty comes out Ok.

 

Tracy

[DenimAndLace]

Ever feel like you tried to jump the fence between the two genders only to get caught and all tangled up in the razor wire?  I wish the adage, "no news is good news" was true for we who are transgender but it isn't.  It's always good to hear from everyone once in a while just so we don't worry about each other.  I'm glad you checked in Cindy, but sad to hear things aren't going as you would like.

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Cindy,

It sounds to me like you're starting to do some good things. I think exercising at the gym is a good idea. Joining the church could be very helpful. Even if the religious part isn't exactly what you're looking for in the end, the fellowship you get there could be really good for you.

 

Something I have to remind myself sometimes is that when you read posts about how wonderful life is after HRT or surgery , or after coming out at work, or living full time, or even how good it is for me being Carla with my family, we are focussing on one aspect of our lives. It doesn't always mean things aren't rough in other areas of our lives. There is no one thing that acts like a magic wand to make all our dreams come true and keep all our woes away. This may seem like the obvious, but sometimes we have to work to remember the obvious. I know I do. 

 

Sometimes my own situation gets feeling hopeless. I don't know what direction my life will end up taking me. And when woes come, they seem to have a way of coming in bunches. But there is always hope for something, even when we can't see what it is.

 

Transition is a rough road full of bumps and potholes. Just when are road seems to smooth out a bit, we run into more rough spots. That's the way life is with huge changes. And face it, transition is a huge change. Just look at the members here who have  transitioned some time ago. There lives still have some bumps, but they have smoothed out over time. Ours will too! We just have to keep plugging away at it, and we'll get there, where ever "there" turns out to be. That's my hope.

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf?

 

[MarcieMarie12]

After losing my job almost two weeks ago I wonder if I am just stunned or really I am ok with it. Life is having a down moment for me as well, but I've got my friends, my health (except a bug I am fighting), and I am not broke. Transitioning is a process that never ends, and while HRT and surgery are milestones, they did not make me happy, they just allowed me to be. Which is weird since I just lost my job (which I am not happy about), but I am still happy with my life in general. 

[Jani]

Thank you Marcie for reminding us that there are limits to what transition milestones do for us.   Well spoken.  

3 hours ago, MarcieMarie12 said:

they did not make me happy, they just allowed me to be.

 

Jani 

[Cindy Truheart]

The cat is going to live. Her kidney's shut down because she was sick and not eating or drinking. We think she walked across a floor that had been mopped with a strong cleaner and then licked it off her paws. It cost $1,000 at the vet, money we didn't have and had to put on the credit card which was almost maxed. Then we got the news that my BFF/roommate/ex-wife's mother died. There's an insurance policy to pay for the burial, but no money to get back to NC. I don't think she wanted to go to the funeral anyway, her mother had been really evil to her ever since she'd been born.

 

I'm going to have to quit my job. I transitioned while working there. At first it seemed like everyone was doing all they could to support me. But lately it's been getting bad. I've had my boss and the one above him both insinuate that I shouldn't use the Ladies Room. I was fine with that at first, I thought it would change with a bit of time and after everyone realized that I'm not some sex crazed freak. I even made sure to let everyone know that I'm actually into men, but it doesn't seem to matter. There's a single stall, all gender bathroom that I was using instead. I didn't miss that people have been watching to see what bathroom I've been using. At first everything was fine with this arrangement, I was willing to let it go. But lately it seems like more and more guys are using the single stall bathroom and they are staying in there longer and longer. I've been trying to not make a fuss, so I haven't said anything despite being in pain from holding it and almost messing myself several times. But last Friday was the company Christmas party. I knew that all the Field Techs and Sales people would be there, which means more people using the bathrooms. I made a note and taped it to the single stall bathroom door. I explained that it was the only bathroom I could use and asked that people only use that restroom if necessary. Someone complained immediately and I got in trouble. I was told that I was discriminating because it's an "all gender" bathroom. When you combine this with the other little things people have been doing, the message is clear, they don't want my kind there. I made out like I had work to do and skipped the party.

 

I cry a lot more now. I have to. I can't keep hurting myself to make it go away. I'm risking permanent damage whenever I slam my fist into solid wood or concrete. But I'm still hiding it from everyone except my therapist. They don't understand and every time I try to explain how I feel they get it wrong and say things that either don't help or make it worse. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of it all. Yes I wish I could end it. But I can't. I owe my BFF/roommate/ex-wife for everything I put her through. I can't put her through that much pain. "Duty is heavier than a mountain, death is lighter than a feather." I'm hopeful that one day she'll find a man who honestly loves her and can make her happy. I can give them my blessing, let her move on, and then I can move on as well knowing that she'll be fine. I pray for that. Because there's no hope for me. I've been trying to have hope, I even picked it as my middle name. But I don't have hope. People don't want me around, not really. Guys don't want me, I'm just too ugly and I can't afford the surgeries to change that. Manipulating photos to make me look better doesn't help when they see me in person. And when they learn what I am, it goes from kind, warm, and friendly banter to "come over, bend over". I may as well become a prostitute, same treatment but at least I'd get paid.

 

Sorry folks. I only meant to give a quick update about the cat. But I'm in a pretty dark place.

[Jani]

Cindy, I'm glad to hear your cat is doing better.  Thanks for checking in.  As to quitting your job, despite how difficult it is please make sure you have another one before you do.  I don't know how the job market is out there but a new one may not come along quickly.   Best of luck.

 

Jani

[tracy_j]

I agree with Jani here - It is always easier to get another job when you already have one.

 

Another thing I have noticed in life is that it always seems the predators notice a weakened individual in the herd and gang up on them. This can easily be seen in animals and really shows in the primeval behaviour of groups at times. Something to realise is that not everyone will be party to this and there will be people at work who won't go with any group behaviour. Also some may use the facillities as a matter of course and not to deliberatly obstruct you. To you it will seem that way as, when depressed, we often think the worst.

 

I have also noticed a trend in the past in which someone is 'flavour of the month'. ie the current person to be subject to group grief! Usually after getting by this period people's main attention diverts to the next unfortunate individual (more primeval behaviour?).

 

Following the above, the answer is usually to tough it out and be confident. Think logically and try to supress emotion (I know that is difficult). If you can rise above it you will gain friends and better times will come

 

Thinking of you

 

Tracy x

 

[Laura Beth]

To me it sounds like your bosses are discriminating against you. If the note requested other be considerate of your need to able to use the washroom then the management should have told the one who complained to get back to work and to use one of the other washrooms then or you are allowed to start using the Ladies Room without issue.