Looking for answers...

[J_S]

Hey, so I've been questioning since early-mid Sept, and the one thing that gets me to think I'm maybe not is that everyone that I ask usually says something along the lines that "they always knew" which I feel like is stopping me from questioning further? I'm kinda hoping to hear some people on here say that no that they had to question for a while. Cause I've always had the question of "What if I was born a female instead of male?" and I've posted that question to some friends earlier in life and they looked at me like I had 4 heads. Now having that thought again, I finally asked myself why was I asking myself this question. Essentially I love dressing Fem, wearing gaffs, breast forms, skirts, fem clothing, makeup, and I'm so much happier with it on but besides a few other questions My main one is just, are there other trans people who didn't "always knew"? cause that's one of the things that's kinda turning me away from this questioning...

[DenimAndLace]

Yes there are MANY trans* people who didn't know from an early age.  Period.  I personally know several people who emerged late in life and plainly say, the feeling arrived well into their lives.  But remember, it hasn't always been like it is today.  Being trans was (and still is for some intersection) very dangerous.  It was / is a matter of life or death.  You knew you were better off repressing the feelings than coming out of the closet.  The mind is a powerful force and it can convince you you are cis if it needs to for self preservation.

Even though I consider myself one of those who, "always knew" it wasn't as clear to me then as it is now.  I mean, how could it be that I was female???  My anatomy told me I was male, my parents told me I was male, my friends told me, my doctors, my teachers, my birth certificate, my drivers license, my church my..., my..., my...  It's hard for a young mind to assert itself against all that.

And of course your cis gender friends will look at you as if you have four heads.  They can't fathom anything other than cis gender.  It's outside of their reality.  My suggestion is to relax.  Question.  Explore.  don't fear what you might find and don't let others control you.  It's your journey.  You are your best guide.

[Dev]

Offering up my personal experience, I didn't have a clue until I was almost 30.  I might have had vague inklings here and there that something just wasn't right, but it never dawned on me until then.

[Jani]

Hello J_S.  Welcome to TransPulse.  You will find people who would answer your question with a multitude of answers.  I knew I was different as a younger person but didn't know why or what and really didn't do much to investigate it until much later in life.  In my opinion, a lot of folks go through stages where they investigate and experiment and they either find comfort and happiness or they continue and move to the next step.  The gender spectrum is wide and there is a place for all of us.  

 

Whats most important to understand is that the experiences other people, while informative, is not your life.  Please feel confident that you will make the best choice for yourself in your own time.  That said, we are all here to support you.  Many of us have been where you are and we are all on our personal journey.  Please ask your questions and I'm sure you  will get a variety of responses to consider.   Most importantly, enjoy the trip. 

 

Jani

[Kristen1114]

I wouldn't say I always knew but I've always felt different, always had 

a hard time enjoying masculine things, when I was a kid I liked playing with 

my female family members more than my male family members.

Of course growing up in the 90's I just repressed my feelings as

it was a much more ignorant time. 

Actually transitioning was and still is a dangerous thing.

[Charlize]

There have been several very articulate descriptions of how i felt expressed above.  I knew and yet i didn't.  I was considered male and that's how i was meant to act.  If and when i explored i hit major resistance.  All male schools became my fate.  I learned to man up and did my best.  At times i dressed in secret but soon felt guilty and purged.  Perhaps i always did "know" but certainly couldn't recognize, admit or accept what i felt.

It has taken me time to find that acceptance.  Being here and knowing i'm not alone helped me with that as did therapy.

Welcome.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Timber Wolf]

I knew something when I was young, but I didn't understand what. Later as a teen I knew I wanted to be a girl and swiped my sisters clothes to dress.

 

When I got out of school I decided that I had to be a man. I repressed it, and boy did I ever repress it. I convinced myself that my feelings were perverted and I mustn't have them any more. They came out in my dreams though. I would dream that I was dressed (girly), but then would realise I was in public and become terrified.

 

Occasionally I would dress for real, but then purge and tell myself it was perverted and hide from it again.

 

Finally years later it all just exploded out. The genie wouldn't go back in the bottle.

 

My hope is that reading my story along with the others will point out that we are all different. Just because you do or have questioned what you are does not mean you aren't. It's just the path you have taken, and it's ok.

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf?

[MarcieMarie12]

Well, shame and denial caused me to not realize I was not male until later in life. But some of the clues:

 

1. I always thought boys secretely wanted to be girls but were not supposed to admit it. Apparently not.

2. Daydreaming about being your dads daughter when young might have been a clue.

3.  Wanting girl parts, I probably should not have dismissed those feelings.

4. Being male felt forced.

5. Having to watch how I move, speak or act to not appear feminine should have been another clue. 

 

Did I ever feel trangender, no. I just felt confused.. It took me a while to figure things though. 

[Happy]

Marcie, I was the same way. I played with “girls toys” but I also played baseball. In 6th grade one of the girls who came over for a party/swim left her bag at my house. I admired the way girls looked and I didn’t know exactly at that moment I wanted to be one but I got a lot of use crossdressing with clothes in the forgotten bag. I was one of 3 boys growing up, the only clothes around long term were my moms box of “skinny” clothes. Being in 6th grade in the 80’s feeling like you are the only boy alive who is like this, craving to be a girl was tough. I kept my secret for years and years. Got married, had children but always this secret. During a counseling session 7 years ago “post divorce” I told the first person my secret. My counselor asked me many questions, schooled me on the transgender existence and gave me homework. I’m still trying to figure out just how far this rabbit hole will lead but I’m contemplating surgery this year. Just a little commitment. I struggle most often than not but it is the “what was” vs “what can be” that keeps me on my toes daily. 

[MarcieMarie12]

I run under the philosophy of live today, plan for tomorrow, and don;t worry about the past, just learn from it. It is one of the things that keeps me from getting depressed about all the things I missed not being a cis-girl.