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Clara84

Update... life becoming a mess. The price of a transition ?

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Clara84

Hello everybody,

I haven't written anything here during a few months. Here some news.

 

About my transition, everything goes very well, I got some good changes, blood tests are very good.

I haven't had any "passing" issue since months. I obtained official name and gender change and new ID.

 

But unfortunately my personal life became a total mess.

I changed, changed a lot, I am totally another person now. Not only physically but also personality and attitude.

A lot of people told me that there is NO REMAIN from the old one.

 

Because of all these changes, my wife became afraid and began to distance herself from me. She wanted me to leave. I tried to insist, a lot, but no way.

Finally we separated 3 months ago and she began a war against me about money and children, telling the court that she can't bear me because I transitioned.

I have never been so sad.

 

In between we both began a new relationship with another person and try to create a new life, but it's difficult.

Since one week, my wife is coming back to me, telling me she can't live without me and apologize for the last months events. She said that was because all the changes were too fast and that she was very afraid. My therapist also told me she never saw someone who transitioned so fast.

 

Now we're both in love with two persons; I began to have some secret dating with my wife this week without telling our partners.

I absolute don't know what to do. I am totally lost in my mind. My family is destructed and I can't accept it. Too many things are broken to switch back to my wife and live as before, but the idea of re-beginning a story with her is very present in my mind.

 

On the other side, I am also living some beautiful moments with my new partner who is really in love with me.

No matter what I will do, there will be sadness and tears and I don't want that.

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Clara84

I am really thing about this.

Is it really possible to transition without any mess in our lives ?

...or such problems like mine are like the "price of the transition"

I read too many articles about trans persons who lost everything during the transition. I wanted to be an exception, I failed.

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MaryMary

Divorce is very common. That's what happened to me and my wife too. The only thing that saved us is that we didn't insist. When we saw that we could not stay lovers we separated and now we are the best of friends. I changed a lot too, my theory is that it'S not really because of the hormones but because a 20 years long depression ended with the start of my transition. I think this has the most impact on my life really.

 

To answer the question, I think it's hard to transition without making our life a mess especially if we cling to the old things. Sometimes it's more destructive to try to stay friends or lovers with people at all cost. The ideal thing is to reconsider relationship based on if the person is an ally or not and what place should she take in our lives. But hey, we don't live in an ideal world.

 

My life is kind of a beautifull mess right now. Gotta embrace the mess and the change :P

 

good luck with your struggles. ;)

 

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MaryMary

I think I was in a depression for so long I became my depression. My friends were friends with the depression really. When they described me they described my depression. No wonder that if I make a transition it's a shock for them ;)

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MarcieMarie12

As one who ended up divorcing, for me it caused a mess. But then again, life goes on. For me, transition allowed me to be my full self, so I am sure I seem different. But in reality, I never was that other person to begin with.

 

I can't offer advice on the how to handle you specific situation, I never had kids. So that made divorce an easy decision (due to things other being trans in hindsight), since we had some long term issues we were ignoring. One question I have is what would you curent partner, wife, and her partner think about an open relationship? I found it easier throwing out the book on what is expected relationship wise, it has made things so much easier, though not without complications.

 

Since divorcing I have seen her on more than one occasion, but it comes out to seeing her about once every 3-6 months (no kid made this easier). 

 

PS; It is good to hear from you and you look great. 

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Clara84
1 minute ago, MaryMary said:

I think I was in a depression for so long I became my depression. My friends were friends with the depression really. When they described me they described my depression. No wonder that if I make a transition it's a shock for them ;)

You're right. Main change is the end of the depression.

Before transitioning I would have killed myself if I lost my wife. Now it's hard but I am still living.

 

6 minutes ago, MarcieMarie12 said:

I can't offer advice on the how to handle you specific situation, I never had kids. So that made divorce an easy decision (due to things other being trans in hindsight), since we had some long term issues we were ignoring. One question I have is what would you curent partner, wife, and her partner think about an open relationship? I found it easier throwing out the book on what is expected relationship wise, it has made things so much easier, though not without complications.

 

Our new partners are both against an open relationship.

Her partner knows she's thinking about coming back with me and is understanding.

Mine hates my wife. He sees her as "a competitor " and is jealous.

 

What is expected? I don't know. Not sure of what I want. I began a new relationship just to be "not alone" but now, love is here. But the other love is still alive too.

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Charlize

   As in read your posts i see how fortunate i have been.  I thought it took me a good bit of time to transition but as i look back at it for my wife it must have been quite sudden.  I'm fortunate that we have stayed together.  She had known and loved him for 40+ years and now she loves her as well.  She can see i'm happy and at greater peace than ever before. Our roles haven't changed as she may have feared at first.  Friends and family haven't turned their backs and in the long run after 63 years of living as a man many of my likes and interests have remained despite transition.  There was a period when i thought i must change completely but that passed.  I now work the farm as i did the difference is that customers see me as a strong woman.

   I can't offer any advice except to pray.  In time the situation will resolve and your path will become clear.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

 

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Clara84
Just now, Charlize said:

   As in read your posts i see how fortunate i have been.  I thought it took me a good bit of time to transition but as i look back at it for my wife it must have been quite sudden.  I'm fortunate that we have stayed together.  She had known and loved him for 40+ years and now she loves her as well.  She can see i'm happy and at greater peace than ever before. Our roles haven't changed as she may have feared at first.  Friends and family haven't turned their backs and in the long run after 63 years of living as a man many of my likes and interests have remained despite transition.  There was a period when i thought i must change completely but that passed.  I know work the farm as i did the difference is that customers see me as a strong woman.

   I can't offer any advice except to pray.  In time the situation will resolve and your path will become clear.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

 

Yes you're fortunate!

I know it's a schock for our wives.

For myself. After 9 years living together, everything changed in... 6 months.

Before separating my wife was often disappointed about me saying I was "too happy" and "too much smiling "

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Clara84

Seriously, I think she's just trying to make me suffer.

 

My wife and I continued to see each other discreetly. Last Thursday we kissed and said how much we are in love each other.

 

She asks me for a clear answer about my feelings for several weeks. We decide to try to reconstruct our story slowly.

 

Yesterday she tells me that I have to leave my boyfriend because she really wants to come back, she is 99% sure that she wants to be with me..

 

An hour later I tell her that I agree and that she is the one I love the most. Then she said she does not want me, it was a mistake and we must "assume our new lives we chose" and that she does not love me.

 

Since 24 hours I am crying. I do not know what to do. I will never be able to forget her. Especially if she comes back with "I love you / I don't love you"

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Gwen

Hi Clara. You describe some very painful and confusing moments with your wife. My heart goes out to you. It's clear you are both feeling some intense emotions that are making it difficult to make wise decisions. Is it possible to agree to take a vacation from each other, even if it's a week or two with some basic rules? If you're meant to be together, you'll get through this. If not, you can begin the work to separate and find the happiness you deserve.

 

Hugs

Gwen

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Clara84
58 minutes ago, Gwen said:

Hi Clara. You describe some very painful and confusing moments with your wife. My heart goes out to you. It's clear you are both feeling some intense emotions that are making it difficult to make wise decisions. Is it possible to agree to take a vacation from each other, even if it's a week or two with some basic rules? If you're meant to be together, you'll get through this. If not, you can begin the work to separate and find the happiness you deserve.

 

Hugs

Gwen

It sounds good to take a vacation but it's impossible because we've got children and we fight about who will live with the children.

Worst thing she don't want the children but she also don't want they live with me. Child protective services took our children away!! And she don't fight against them, I am alone. She said it's better that the children are not with us.

 

Work to be separate... we worked on it since 6 months and obviously it don't works because we miss each other.

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Guest Rachel Gia

I tend to be more concerned about your kids then your mutual need for intamacy and drama.

Don't confuse codepency for love and if there are things other than your transition that led to this place , looking at those is where you might start.

My ex wife has no substance problems but her mother was an alcoholic thus my wife in my opinion was untreated Alanon. It ends up being the same thing so I go to Alanon to deal with my issues with my ex wife and the effects of the trauma that I still live with caused by both my mother (also untreated Alanon) and my wife.

There is just not enough information here for an outsider to have an solution.

Focus on the welfare of your kids is all I can say and also that being in the solution is the solution.

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Nora Kayte

Clara,

Love that name by the way! 

I can only tell you what I would do and why. My wife is my soulmate. She is not 100% on board with my transition. She accepts but does not like that I am in full transition doses of hormones. Let’s me wear what I want under my clothes or at home I can wear anything I want. Usually one of my favorite skorts. I only have women’s underwear and shoes. Ears are pierced. And she hates the electrolysis. But let’s me do it. Had a fit when I asked for an orchiectomy. Said she would leave. But then came to me to discuss it later and probably will let me in the future. But for my personal reasons it’s on the back burner for now. And the nails. Omg the nails. If I get them she only likes a French mani and pedi with a matte top coat so they look natural. But it’s something. Just trying to give you an idea how she is. Now I move forward at a pace I feel is best for her. If it were up to me I would be going faster. But at least I am moving forward.

 

You are lucky. You are living the way you want and your wife wants you. I would kill to be in your position. 

 

I feel there will be a time in the future where my wife would leave. She knows where I want to be with my transition. I always make sure she knows and make her acknowledge. 

 

I also feel she would do the exact exact thing your wife did. Realize that she loves me and can’t live without me and me like this is better than a dead me. 

 

She knows it make me happy and thats why why I am where I am now. My happiness is important to her. It’s just hard for her. She is like most wives. She says she is not gay and married a man. Blah blah blah. 

 

Ok ok with all that said. As harsh as it would be to a new partner I would have. In a heartbeat I would be back with my wife. As I stated before she is my soulmate, the one I think about all day every day. Whether I am with her or she is working or on a trip for work. She is what I care about most. More than myself to a point. I am so blessed I get to have what I do. 

 

I love my life with her. No possible way I could ever be happy without her in it. I would survive. I always have. I’ve been thru deaths in the family. I’ve been homeless. You name it it’s probably happened to me in some way. But seeing her face is the best thing about my day. Everything else just does not compare. Always thought that  this soulmate stuff was stupid until I met her. I knew the day we met for the first time we would be together. 

 

So so what I am saying. Is she your soulmate? Is she the one that you think about when she is not around. Who would you save on this earth if you could only save one person. And kids don’t count. Because they always come first. But I know you understand what I am saying. IS SHE THE ONE??? Is she the one you would give everything up for. Except transition. Because I’m my opinion that does not count. It’s not a choice. 

 

I am so so sorry you have to go thru this. It sucks. But I understand everything you are going through. And I am just telling you what I would do. Being honest. Sorry if it does not help. 

 

Nora

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Clara84

A little update...

 

I fought for the kids and I finally won. I was at the court last Friday and the judge gave me the child care, kids are now with me.

It's very unusual that the kids are given to a trans person. At first, my transition was my wife's only defense. But the court considered us as two equal mothers.

 

I was happy receiving the official letter written "the kids go back to their MOTHER, Ms. Clara...."

 

Now... my wife... it's still a total disaster but the war is over.

We spoke a lot together. I KNOW she's still feeling something for me, but she can't admit it.

She writes to me almost everyday. We're still having sex together. And each time we reach the point where anybody should admit we're in love, she changes sides, she become angry and cold. She sometimes insults me. In those moments, I can even cry in front of her and she's still cold like an ice cube :( Two days after, she come back.... She already reproduced this story-line dozens of times.

 

She said she is blocked by my transition. It's not the fact she don't like women. It's the fact she can't admit having lived a "false story" during years with someone who wasn't really me. She is mad with the fact I didn't came out earlier.

She's ok with the physical changes, she's still attracted to me. But the social and mental changes are too much for her.

 

She also can't admit my view of gender. She's still mourning about "her husband who's dead". She also mad about the fact she married and had child with a woman without knowing it. 

 

In my country, official gender change is backdated. On the official registries, we are married as two women since years. And the child parents are two mothers, me and her. On that point, she becomes sometimes trans-phobic... saying no child can be born without a man !

She thought trans persons should never have biological children, because it's dangerous for the children and too "complicated"

 

(As counter-example, I spoke her about some FtM persons who are pregnant and had child... A lot of them consider themselves as fathers. For her, as they are pregnant, they are women and mothers !)

 

I miss her, I miss her very much. But I am tired of this. I wish to be aromantic, life would be easier. I love her so much, that's horrible.

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Jani

Hello Clara.  Congratulations on receiving custody of your children.  I'm sure that is a huge relief and they are happy to be with you.  Your wife is another thing; sorry.  She sounds like she could benefit from some time with a therapist, even it the ultimate goal isn't getting back together, just to obtain some peace of mind.  

 

Interesting thing the way your countries laws are, very progressive.

 

Jani  

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Clara84

 

15 hours ago, Jani423 said:

Hello Clara.  Congratulations on receiving custody of your children.  I'm sure that is a huge relief and they are happy to be with you.  Your wife is another thing; sorry.  She sounds like she could benefit from some time with a therapist, even it the ultimate goal isn't getting back together, just to obtain some peace of mind.  

 

Interesting thing the way your countries laws are, very progressive.

 

Jani  

 

Thank you Jani

Yes, we will see a therapist. She said she was ok to come with me to a therapist. I hope she won't change her mind.

Children are happy to be back. They are still hoping my wife will come back. It's hard for me to speak about that with them...

 

No, the laws aren't progressive at all. There are simply no laws. Trans persons don't exists in the swiss law...

Legally, what we have to do is telling the court there is "a mistake" in the registry (gender and name are false). If they admit our gender don't match with what we really are, they simply correct it. Then every document since birth can be corrected.

 

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ErinLeach

Hi Clara,

I am in a similar situation as you are. I was in a 19 year relationship with a woman and she didn't take well to my transition either. Luckily for us, the children are off on their own already. She and I are on a break right now, so to speak. We have both blocked each other from facebook, and we didn't speak for a couple of months. She made contact with me right before Christmas, and there has been some contact since. She tells me she still loves me as well, and then goes to saying she has a lot of mixed emotions. I think your wife is having a lot of mixed emotions too. My girl is in individual therapy, which I feel she needs. Only she can sort through these mixed emotions and their causes. I am getting the impression that your wife needs the same thing. My girl and I don't have sex right now, because sex can confuse your emotions. Maybe you two should take a break from the sex too, give each other a little breathing room, and time to work on your individual issues in therapy.

 

Erin

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Clara84

Yes mixed emotions. She persists saying I lied to her presenting myself as male 10 years ago.

 

At first she was totally OK with my transition when I came out to her.

3 months later, the nightmare began. I was at 1 month hrt and she began to have some doubt as she noticed the mental effects of hrt.

 

That period also matches with the moment she stopped misgender me. I've also have same experience with some friends... at first OK and when they recorded the fact that I am really a girl... no more OK.

 

She sometimes want to have sex with me because she finds me very attractive . She says it's only physical and she's no more in love.

 

She already has her own therapist. I think she's depressed. She lives in a hotel room. She's most of the time alone... she don't even care about the children.

She's alone but many times when I suggest to do something with her she prefers saying no. Because "shes no more in love and she shouldn't see me" it's like she decided that as a rule. 

 

The only times she wants to see me is when she want to have sex. 

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MarcieMarie12

Glad to hear you have your children back. Sorry to hear your wife is still having trouble. I hope she can come around eventually. 

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Guest Rachel Gia

Hi Clara,

I am so happy to hear the news about you and your children being together!

I also loved how the court document stated

On 2/22/2018 at 2:51 PM, Clara84 said:

I was happy receiving the official letter written "the kids go back to their MOTHER, Ms. Clara...."

 

That must have warmed your heart! It warmed mine:)

My ex-wife seems to having issues with the past and I get the feeling I will be on the other end of passive aggressive comments for a while yet.

I hope your wife can find some help beyond the meetings with your marriage counsellor. Isolation is bad medicine and as she needs to meet you and your children somewhere in the middle.

Much Love to you and your family

Rachel

Vancouver BC

 

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Clara84
Just now, Rachel Gia said:

Hi Clara,

I am so happy to hear the news about you and your children being together!

I also loved how the court document stated

That must have warmed your heart! It warmed mine:)

My ex-wife seems to having issues with the past and I get the feeling I will be on the other end of passive aggressive comments for a while yet.

I hope your wife can find some help beyond the meetings with your marriage counsellor. Isolation is bad medicine and as she needs to meet you and your children somewhere in the middle.

Much Love to you and your family

Rachel

Vancouver BC

 

 

Hi

Yes this letter warmed my heart, really.

 

Those passive aggressive comments are really sad and it hurts...

I don't have much hope about the future with her. She's so obtuse on some points.. it would be hard.

 

Thank you for your greetings... but I feel like I don't have anymore family. I am just a single mom.

Love

 

Clara 

 

P.S. Rachel is also my wife's first name 

 

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Guest Rachel Gia

Hi Clara,

I am single mom as well but my kids love me and I have a family is the trans and gay community in Vancouver now.

It a place we "get" each other without explanation.

I need to do trans chic stuff for a bit but will be around to look at the computer.

You can call me Gia if you like as its my middle name.

Gia

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Clara84

Today is my wedding's birthday. A very sad day.

Wife is now totally denying the fact she had a love story and a wedding with me.

She always said it wasn't with me but with "my twin brother".

 

In her mind, she never met me, she never loved me, she never married me, she never left me.

When she speaks about the past with me, she never used the pronoun "you"

 

It should be a mess in her head.

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Timber Wolf

Hi Clara,

It's always sad to hear something like this, and I am very sorry that it happened this way. But even in a dark storm of life like this, the sun will shine again. We just have to keep looking ahead to that day.

 

Lots  of love,

Timber Wolf🐾

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Jani

Clara, I'm sorry to hear this.  She is obviously taking this very hard.  I hope you can both find some common ground to reconcile on.

 

Jani

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      I'm about as liberal as they come, but I have no problem with responsible gun ownership for personal protection for those who choose to do so. It's not something that I personally feel the need for, but I respect those who choose to exercise that right. 
        I do think this must seem a bit strange to our forum friends out side the USA, though. 🙂  
    • Katie_marie
      That’s perfect advice SugarMagnolia! Thanks!
    • SugarMagnolia
      That's so great, Katie!

      I agree with the search idea above.

      I'd also suggest taking it one step further and thinking about what parts of your body to play up, not just hide. That's different for all of us, but it can sometimes be helpful in putting together outfits. Ultimately, you can't hide your body but you can play to your strengths and that will make the process a little more enjoyable. 😀

      For example, I don't have much in the way of curves and would be classified as having a rectangular body shape, but I do have long trim legs and so showing those off appropriately (no short shorts or mini skirts!) is something that I can feel good about even as I work to minimize my shoulders, not draw attention to the size of my feet and provide the illusion of cleavage. 

      I'm not sure how helpful this info is for you, but I wish you luck and joy in finding your style. It can be a lot of fun!

      Julie
    • SugarMagnolia
      Posting this for other CA folks thinking about the same. It is quite detailed and includes examples in the appendix. I've attached the file and included the link below so people can get the latest copy in the future.
      https://transgenderlawcenter.org/resources/id/id-please ID_Please_FINAL_7.25.14.pdf
    • VickySGV
      I had the very real experience of a Trans friend telling me that some three of four days before they had been approached by a police officer asking if they knew a <Male Name> shortly after a person we both knew had been badly beaten up, but thankfully had lived without too many lingering problems.  I vaguely remembered a part of our victimized friend's long ago male name  but the person talking to me had never known them as anything other than Trans female.  My unhurt friend  did have information on suspects for the attack and went to the Police department who eventually did get the culprits but that was several months down the line.   SIGH.   
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