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MaryMary

Dating scene

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MaryMary

I'm curious to ear about experiences that you might have on the dating scene. I think I "pass" quite well but I seem to hit a limit. For whatever reasons, I can't seem to understand how i'm supposed to date lesbians. I am / have a tendencies towards asexuality. I have a more easy time dating guys and being accepted by them (just having a basic date and have a nice chat, not talking about love yet). It seems that lesbians aren't interested even talking to me if they know i'm trans*. Is it an experience you share? or it's just that i'm unlucky? On online dating sites I put a transgender flag in my photos and put it in my description and yet a lesbian cis woman will routinely like me and in the first couple of questions they will finally read my profile and reject me, litteraly telling me : sorry, haven't realised you were trans*. I'm surprised by that behavior since it seems that they go out of their way to underline that they reject me because of that.

 

that leaves me very confused. Luckily because i'm asexual I don't take that too bad because... let's say it, I don't understand all of that AT ALL. lol

But why? Is it common? Do you share my experience? What's the deal exactly?

I would love to understand. Do I have to go out in bars? If it's like that in bars it will be a very sad experience, lol. I kind of don't want to attempt it just by fear.

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MaryMary

I found out trough experiment that saying I am transgender improve the experience since some people love a person that in confortable with what they are and/or love a person that feel confident.

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Jani

Hi Mary.   I don't have any relevant dating experience so I cannot offer a direct comment but I think dating a confident person would certainly be preferrable.  So I guess I'm reading that stating you are Transgender is a double edged sword in that lesbians tend to reject you while the general population (guys?) accepts that part of your life.  That's interesting as I would have considered it just the opposite.  Are you talking about a large group of responses?  Being in Quebec, is there a difference in english versus french speakers?  

 

I think the bar scene would be a last resort as the danger factor is certainly worrisome.  If you do try it, go with a friend, or two. 

 

Jani

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MarcieMarie12

I prefer pan and bi women, they seem to have fewer issues. Many transwomen I know have said the same thing about lesbians.

 

 

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MaryMary

I have now talked with a couple of bisexual woman and they are just like lesbians and don't even want to talk to me. I find all that stuff very confusing. It's really a question I ask. I say that with 3 years of very sporadic dating. If I am to believe my ex dating isn't necessarily easier for heterosexual cis woman... lol

 

I would have thought that the opposite was true too. There's no english speaking population where I live. I guess it would be the same?

 

Guys that i've talked too might be less incline to go out with me in the long run but if they think i'm pretty and if i'm fun to talk to there's no problem usually. Lesbians, let's be frank, treat me like I have leprosy or something like that.

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Jani
1 hour ago, MaryMary said:

if they think i'm pretty and if i'm fun to talk to there's no problem usually.

Well, we know where a lot of guys brains are!  

 

I'm always taken aback by populations that are marginalized that treat others poorly.  I don't get it. 

1 hour ago, MaryMary said:

Lesbians, let's be frank, treat me like I have leprosy or something like that.

 

Jani

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VickySGV

I have had no problems with lesbians in person on the friend/ pal/ buddy side of things, and the ones I have gone out to dinner with for just plain fun, have been just that.  Big deal is that we do know each other in person and started that way in a friendly, or a service oriented activity and have just hit it off.  Instead of the internet, go to functions where the groups meet up.  I am more demi-sexual than anything (even though post op, I am not really into dating males) but at my age, sex is a word in the history books and my Lesbian buddy's are a similar age.  One or two  are widows which really has nothing to do with this line here, but that is how I have fun.   I have not dated any Trans Folk, but again, have fun in a mob of them and get the needed hugs for good health.

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DenimAndLace

Have you thought about trans men Mary?  All but one trans man I have met have been delightful people.  They have depth and can connect emotionally unlike many of their cis gender counterparts.  It just seems like no one understands a transgender person like a transgender person.  ...And there's nothing cuter than a cis couple who have both transitioned.

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MaryMary

lol, yeah, i'm open to trans man it's just... rare :D there are like little pearls scattered trough society :P

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Briana

Hi Mary, Like Jani I don't have any experience dating but I do have some lesbian friends that I've talked to about accepting and/or dating a trans woman.  One has been a friend for a loooong time.  We first met at work and she eventually worked for me.  She knew me before and after.  We would go out all the time, with and without other friends.  Of the places we went, lesbian oriented clubs and bars were not one of them. 

 

When I asked her why - she tried to describe and explain an issue that some lesbians/bi-women had with us MtF TG folks calling ourselves women. She felt that it was an issue that could sometimes cause those that identified as lesbian/bi to marginalize us or at least not consider us as suitable relationship/romantic partners. 

 

While she was my work friend and outside of work friend, and recognized my feelings etc., she had a problem with me calling or describing myself as a woman.  She always used the correct pronouns with me etc., but was hung up on the fact that I didn't have the "real-life woman experience".  Because of that, she said that like some of her peers, they feel that those of us that identify as MtF transwomen are encroaching on their space - their experience.  

 

It seemed like a resentment kind of thing to me.  And it's  a topic that most us have heard about or read about and even discussed - how some cis women feel about transgender women.  It's one of those discussions like religion and politics that can evoke a lot of emotions. 

 

It was a strange and long conversation taking about clubs and bars to dating.  Actually many conversations.  Bottom line for her was that she felt I was very lucky (...which I am!) that I had a partner that was loving and accepting and stayed with me.  Otherwise she felt that I would have a very difficult time finding someone that wasn't just looking for sex or kink or had a fetish to keep satisfied. 

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MaryMary

Well Briana, a flame war would be useless but that was exactly what I was saying when I was talking about leprosy. ;) lol

I get that the majority of people don't accept us but 'only' respect us. That's life, what can I do about it really?

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MaryMary

I don't get it, i'm very confused about all of this. The argumentation you underline is one of the things that gets me very confused. There's some things like that that i've given up really understanding.

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Jani
2 hours ago, MaryMary said:

I don't get it, i'm very confused about all of this.

Well I don't want to say we're "enlightened" but that the general populate might respect but not accept us (or other non-mainstream types) does highlight the stereotypical notion that there are only two genders, or that one race is superior, or that male dominance is correct, etc etc.  

 

When I have had discussions around this subject I find the line between respect and acceptance to be very thin.  Like you, I don't get it.  

 

Jani

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MarcieMarie12

Maybe the thing is respect is using the right pronouns and name, and other gender references. But that is it, acceptance is when they actually treat transwomen  just like they would any other woman.  I am also thinking there is some grey area and acceptance is not a black or white, yes no thing. Depending on the person, their level of acceptance varies. 

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Charlize

  I am fortunate to have been out of the dating scene for about 48 years now.  I don't know how or where i'd even start at this point.  Back in my drinking days i went to gay bars as a  safe place to be myself when i could.  Men would sometimes buy me drinks and it quickly became apparent that they wanted something in return and it was never a relationship over time.  I did find some women who were quite accepting and that amazed and intrigued me.  My wife at the time was not in the least accepting.  I spent a good bit of time with one woman and she helped me confront my fear and get into the cis world, shopping and simply being myself.  I was also given a big kick (literally) by a female marine in a gay bar.  She obviously didn't like trans* folks.  

  I guess if i was trying to date today i'd simply move around doing what i love with an eye to being me, honest and open to advances and hoping i might find acceptance and love somewhere.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

 

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ElissaMtF

I am a straight trans girl and I pass. My voice is also nicely on point since it never dropped during puberty and I’m 5 feet 5 so my length also doesn’t give it away.

 

I date straight cis males only, so I don’t know what your experience would be if you date trans men and bi men. 

 

The straight men I have dated were surprised when I told them that I was trans, but not shocked. They were open minded. They were fortunately not the types of chasers that adore you even more once they know you are trans. At least I’m lucky not to attract those chasery types.

Anyway, the guys asked me if I had already had my surgery. When I told them that I didn’t have the surgery yet but that I 100% plan it asap and when I told them about my genital dysphoria, they were relieved that I think like a woman 100%. That I would not want to top them,... they were scared of the pornesque image that regularly gets hung up of transsexuals. 

When they realised that I’m just a normal woman with a normal female mind, they were eager to give me a chance.

I always made it clear that in bed my penis would be covered up and that I would drop them like a hot potato as soon as I remark bisexual tendencies like wanting to touch the penis,... They were very well aware of that.

They respected it.

A few even offered to pay for my SRS because they wanted me to have a vagina asap. I hesitated to accept their offer but owing them that much money would cause trouble if the relationship were to end, so I told them I would save up for it by myself without their help.

 

I have a difficult character.

That’s the reason that I’m still single. I’m not ready to bind myself yet. I cannot commit to one guy. I also want the most handsome and most successful alphamales out there. I’m very picky.

But my transsexuality has never caused anyone to reject me. Not even the straightest men. Because my brains immediately give it away that I was a very early onset transsexual MtF.

That I was born with it.

And the guys respect me as any other woman.

 

I have had lesbians hitting on me but I have made it clear that I’m very traditional and only believe in a relationship between a man and a woman. They stopped hitting on me after that.

They know I’m very conservative and hetero-normative. I want to marry my future husband in a clerical ceremony. 

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