what am i? please help! (afab)

[rydberg]

So essentially, I've been having an existential crisis the past few weeks. I was assigned female at birth, and I've always been pretty neutral in gender expression. I never really felt there was something wrong, per se, with me being a girl. But as a kid I always not only always liked male characters better but I wanted to be them. Halloween costumes were always of male characters, if they were a gendered costume. I hated (still do) and felt uncomfortable (still do) in dresses, skirts, etc. I don't enjoy wearing makeup and I don't like wearing traditionally feminine things. I've never minded being called a girl.... but being called he/him, I don't know, kind of excites me? I've begun going by a new name on the internet, a masculine name, and I like it.

But the thing is I'm not sure if I like being a male more in theory than in concept. Whenever I try to imagine, really imagine, myself as being a guy– in real life, going on T and dressing like a male and telling people to call me a male name– I'm not sure I'm comfortable with that. I'm not sure that feels completely right. And I never felt like there was something wrong with me being female. It's really weird. It's like I feel magnetized towards being a male, drawn towards it by forces outside of my control, but I don't know if I like or hate this trajectory... I'm also terrified of what my family would say, how people would view me. I'm sexually attracted to boys and I'm afraid no man would ever want to be with me if I am trans... and this freaks me out because one of my worst fears in life is being alone forever. I want to find a soulmate and I'm afraid I wouldn't get that if I am. That's not even counting that I don't even know for sure if I am. I don't experience dysphoria. I don't hate my breasts or hips. I just... kind of like it when I'm called male, or a male name I guess.

I have no clue. Does anyone have any advice? Ideas as to what I am? Anything is appreciated, really.

[DenimAndLace]

@rydberg

 

My opinion?  Have a look at the graphic below.  There are multiple aspects of your identity that you seem to be questioning and if I'm understanding you right, you want/hope that all of them would be firmly planted on the left or right (male or female).  Because of my own experience, I believe (but I may be wrong) things are not as black or white as our society has thought.  There are infinite positions along each of the spectrum's and those positions may even change from time to time.  Your anatomy may be clearly male or female ...or it may be somewhere in between.  How you identify as "male" or "female" in your heart may be strongly one or the other ...or anywhere in between.  Likewise, how you express yourself, present yourself and who you are attracted to are infinitely variable.  And it's ALL GOOD!  You're amazing no matter what combination you are today or tomorrow.  It's what makes each of us interesting and it WILL be attractive to your future soul-mate, I promise.

 

Are you transgender?  I'm not sure.  If it helps, my biological sex was the polar opposite of my gender identity and since it is easier for me to change my body than it is to change my mind, I am reshaping my body.  I'm told that makes me "transgender".  Sadly, for those of us with a lot of variability, we have to figure all this [expletive] out.  ...Ahh, to be cis gender and hetero normative.

 

http://identityalaska.org/wp-content/uploads/spectrum-handout-infographic.jpg

[Gwen]

1 hour ago, rydberg said:

Does anyone have any advice? Ideas as to what I am? Anything is appreciated, really.

Hello rydberg. It sounds like you have some significant gender/identity issues that are obviously confusing for you and a distraction in your life. Have you considered seeing a gender therapist? It might be helpful to have someone really hear what you're describing and help you figure out a way forward. This stuff is like a maze sometimes and it's hard to get out without some guidance. If therapy is not an option, is there anyone close who can allow you to ANYTHING as you sort it all out?

 

Hugs and good luck.  

 

Gwen

[Jani]

Hello Rydberg and welcome.  There's good advice above from my friends.  It does seem like you may be leaning towards an androgynous presentation without any need to transition.  Remember not all women are girly in how they look or see themselves.  There are certainly "tough" women who are loving and caring, so don't be so certain that you would not find a soul mate.  There is someone for everybody.   You may just have to look little harder.  A therapist would certainly help you work through this to a point where you could be comfortable in your head and body.    Plus, we're here to answer any questions you have the best we can. 

 

Jani

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to Trans Pulse, Rydberg.  As my friends have said, there is no one way to feel or act or be.  What is fine for one person would be horrid to the next person.  Take your time and look around the various forums and that might help you see how different we all are.  I might also spark more questions, which is fine.  A gender therapist, as has been suggested, would also help.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie