Struggling with myself

[Fernode]

Hey there, I am new here and I am 18 (male) turning 19 at 15th feb 2018.

 

My main reason why I am here is that I don't know what is going on with me since long time ago.

The first thing and important thing is that I've mental disorder because of my childhood and following even depression and post-traumatic stress disorder.

If I am not wrong, I am often thinking about to import estrogen from internet.

Sometimes I feel comfortable as guy but sometimes I feel not to be what I am and again sometimes I feel absolutely wrong.

I also asked my psychiatrist 1 year ago where I was in clinic due of my mental illness (because of suicide prevention at age of 16-17). 

The psychiatrist said, it could be due of an sexual assault maybe? - Because of my trauma she thinks.

But even everything I did was unsuccessfully, also importing meds too, I did it sometime for 1 week or such but I canceled because of side effects.

 

The other thing is I want this for sure but I am afraid of 'point of no return' where the changes aren't reversible anymore. (I'm amazed this is possible)

 

Thank you for replying 

[MaryEllen]

Hello Fernode,

 

Welcome to TransPulse. My best advice would be to consult with a gender therapist. He or she can help you find the pathway that is right for you.

 

MaryEllen

[Fernode]

Just now, MaryEllen said:

Hello Fernode,

 

Welcome to TransPulse. My best advice would be to consult with a gender therapist. He or she can help you find the pathway that is right for you.

 

MaryEllen

 

Hello Mary,

I am thinking about to go to a special transsexual consultation in the clinic near the downtown.

Probably they can help me, I also had a meeting before in another clinic but couldn't go there because I was in clinic due of suicide prevention.

[Jani]

Hello Fernode and welcome.  I would caution about importing estrogen and applying a "do it yourself" approach.  This is dangerous and could cause serious health concerns as it changes the body chemistry.   I've read that sexual assault victims often bury the thoughts deep within as a means of coping.  Talking with your counselor would be a good way to work through these feelings and move forward.   As to your feelings about being a guy or not, a discussion with a qualified gender therapist would help.   If you were to start hormones under a doctors care, most of the physical changes are not permanent until later when your body has fully adjusted to the medicine.   I wish you luck in finding your way.

 

Jani

[Fernode]

Hello Jani,

okay probably I'll call LVR Clinic to ask for meeting, to talk to specialized doctors.

 

Thanks for tipps.

[Fernode]

18 minutes ago, Fernode said:

Hello Jani,

okay probably I'll call LVR Clinic to ask for meeting, to talk to specialized doctors.

 

Thanks for tipps.

On 2nd January 2018, the LVR Clinic here in my city has opened again. I also searched the number and I will call them in 3 days.  I also want to let you know my further steps in future.

 

But one thing I am really interested is, is it true that if you take Estrogene, your emotions and thinkings/character will change?

[Jani]

Thats great that you are reaching out to a clinic.  Bravo!

 

Under the spell of estrogen your emotions do become more apparent and easily provoked.  For me I became less angry and able to process things in a calmer way.  My character didn't change other than I think I've become nicer to be around. I am much less moody.  

 

Jani

[MaryEllen]

I'm curious as to what the LVR Clinic actually is. Could you tell us a little about it?  Do they have gender therapists there?   

 

MaryEllen

[Fernode]

LVR Clinic is a psychosomatic clinic also ambulance. There people will go with multiple disorders like depression, trauma, even transsexualism etc.

 

It is sub clinic of Uniklinik Essen.

[Guest Rachel Gia]

Hi Fernode,

Regarding HRT, I had a lot  concerns about HRT and other than the effects of Spiro it was and has been a great experience for me.

The process of transitioning in itself brings a certain degree of peace of mind and along with concerns of the effects of HRT and how I was going to deal with telling people that I know , I felt that peace arfter doing my intake into a trans program .

Dysphoria is hard to deal with alone and telling someone your truth will start the unravelling of the tensions you feel.

Rachel

[Fernode]

First, happy new year

Second, I am calling the clinic in 1-2 days of course. If I be honest it is not a fetish or somewhat else. I also hate to have beard (I have little bit). I also want to remove my hair in skin as good as I can... minimum is every week I precisely shave any hair I see in my face/skin especially hair on legs/arms/skin etc.

 

And if I be honest, I also wore bra and girls clothes too... and yes, I don't know what to say.

I don't think I am real girl then... the other side would be, I would like to look my androgynous or more likely a girl clothed like a boy, that's the ideal I want to be.

 

Subject Make-Up, I don't care really except some stuff I probably want to perform. 

 

But I still have some unanswered questions like:

• What would happen in first 3-4 weeks...
• Does I really look like a girl after 3-4 months?
• Do I feel any changes I am becoming then?
• Is to perform sex with new vagina possible, like bio females?
• Do you think I must coming out to a future boyfriend, if he doesn't know I am trans?
• Will my fat  from stomach go to breast and Pelvis?

 

Thanks for your replys till now.

[Fernode]

Terrible day today...  I will never be what I am probably should be...

I just told a gay friend today, I am not male or somewhat, and he's replying then you're transgender...

He won't see me either as Female, Androgynous or somewhat  else... I am sure I am not male.

 

Sorry for that, but my feelings are so on roller-coaster mode, and crying right now.

 

[Guest Rachel Gia]

HI Fernode,

I am not sure how old you are or how long you have felt the way you do.

The word transgender is pretty fresh on the lips of most people and other than the community itself , it is relatively unknown,

People use it like they understand what it means to be trans or just use it because that's the limit of their knowledge of sexual identity.

While you are waiting to see a professional , do some reading to distract yourself for a while from your discomfort.

Watch the Danish Girl or Transamerica. both decent movies that are trans centered.

The National Geographic has a whole issue on gender that came out in Jan of 2017.

It is excellent, albeit a little triggering in the emotions.

My transition doctor said in one of the more recent visits that I was at the least, non binary, and indicated in a subtle way that how far I am willing to go in transition might further define my identity.

Its going to be hard to sit in your skin while you wait for the appointment but spending that time reading non biased info on the web helps.

Wikipedia, various forums, and videos.

Believe me, nothing moves fast in transition so living your life in the meantime and becoming informed is vital to your sanity.

I envy the fact that you can cry so never feel ashamed when you do.

The ability to express your feelings is a gift that you don't lose.

Much Love

Rachel Gia

[Guest Rachel Gia]

Oops!

 

The ability to express your feelings is a gift that you don't want to lose.

[Fernode]

22 hours ago, Rachel Gia said:

I am not sure how old you are or how long you have felt the way you do.

5 years ago it started (2012).

 

22 hours ago, Rachel Gia said:

While you are waiting to see a professional

I got a meeting 15th February 2018 at Universitätsklinikum Essen, where I have chance to talk with psychiatrists who are specialized about gender thing and transsexualism.

 

22 hours ago, Rachel Gia said:

do some reading to distract yourself for a while from your discomfort.

I always looking for information, what'll change and who transition is going. I am often reading about timelines of other transgenders.

 

22 hours ago, Rachel Gia said:

My transition doctor said in one of the more recent visits that I was at the least, non binary, and indicated in a subtle way that how far I am willing to go in transition might further define my identity.

A friend told me I could be gender-fluid maybe.

 

22 hours ago, Rachel Gia said:

Believe me, nothing moves fast in transition so living your life in the meantime and becoming informed is vital to your sanity.

I know that It'll take time. I am thinking about 1-3 years such a transition will take time.

 

22 hours ago, Rachel Gia said:

I envy the fact that you can cry so never feel ashamed when you do.

Yes all that I thought it just a phase came back yesterday from nowhere after years... I emotionally collapsed.

 

21 hours ago, Rachel Gia said:

Oops!

 

The ability to express your feelings is a gift that you don't want to lose.

Don't worry, I know what you meant. Thank you. 

[Fernode]

Oh I forget something...

 

Just now, Fernode said:

22 hours ago, Rachel Gia said:

I am not sure how old you are or how long you have felt the way you do.

5 years ago it started (2012).

I am 18 turning 19 in one month.

[Guest Rachel Gia]

Thank you Fernode , it all sounds super positive.

It is my experience that you are far from being alone in your feelings and I found a group of people in my AA community that is Trans oriented. It is mostly young people and I am the oldest Trans person there but some are further along than I am in their transition.

They gave me a lot of strength in things like using a "she" pronoun and using my new name and talking openly.

I am still getting used to it.

There is transition and then there is also transformational which the right support group can be.

The more you let the right people (safe people) into your truth the easier it will get.

Although my first opening of my heart was to my Doctor, doing my intake with a health nurse for transition was the first time I spoke at length with no holding back. It just felt so good!

I have to go to work now as the Holidays have ended but I have my ipad.

Much Love

Rachel

[VickySGV]

Another resource for you to read is the World Professional Association for Transgender Health (WPATH) Standards Of Care Version 7.  (SOC7).  This is a worldwide association of care givers for Trans people.  I was at their meeting back in 2012 when SOC7 was adopted and shared a lunch table with two people from Dresden who were part of a clinic there.  SOC7 is available on-line for download. 

[Fernode]

Super good news!!!

I am so happy!!! I'd my coming out to one of many supervisors in my assisted living. I told her, I did an meeting on 13th Feb... After 15 minutes I told her, I want to be a female not male. Do you know what she said??? She wants to buy a epilator (to remove hairs with it's root (hair root)) and she wants me to buy some girls clothes ❤ ❤ ❤ She said, I fully support you.

 

5 hours ago, Rachel Gia said:

The more you let the right people (safe people) into your truth the easier it will get.

My supervisors already said, and I think every one of my flatmates are tolerant.

 

3 hours ago, VickySGV said:

Another resource for you to read is the World Professional Association for Transgender Health (WPATH) Standards Of Care Version 7.  (SOC7).  This is a worldwide association of care givers for Trans people.  I was at their meeting back in 2012 when SOC7 was adopted and shared a lunch table with two people from Dresden who were part of a clinic there.  SOC7 is available on-line for download. 

I'll take a look for sure.

[mersad]

hello,happy new year

well I think we human beings have both femininity and masculinity.

it is imp. to know in which phase u are more stable. to start u can choose an unisex for yourself. and as u told u wanna wear girls clothes, u can sometimes wear girly clothes and also can wear unisex clothes, u can follow the road of knowing yourself very little by little.

don't be sad if u think u are queer or even fluid. many people feel non binary. i think it is not bad at all, it is just imp. to find the way of living as u really are and feeling happy 

best

[mersad]

..... u can choose an unisex name..

(modified the text)

[Fernode]

I am really sure, I want to be female. I like boys but I don't really like to be a boy.

I want to have long hairs, I want to wear bras and girls clothes.

 

Just now, mersad said:

..... u can choose an unisex name..

I really thought about that, no joke.

 

2 minutes ago, mersad said:

hello,happy new year

You too!

[mersad]

9 hours ago, Fernode said:

I am really sure, I want to be female. I like boys but I don't really like to be a boy.

I want to have long hairs, I want to wear bras and girls clothes.

 

I really thought about that, no joke.

 

You too!

so that's awesome

[Fernode]

Yes  I am so happy right now. I can't wait till they get me green light for hormones. ❤ ❤ ❤ 

[Guest Rachel Gia]

I am happy as well to see that your are doing well spiritually.

I am working on an old song and have started to play it live again.

 

"In the ashes I see light

From the Phoenix burning bright

Take me home when you take flight

Turn around this lonely night".

 

Sorry , I am not usually that pedantic in my rhymes but this was rare time I was okay with it

 

Much Love to you Fernode and others

Rachel