Still Confused and Frustrated

[TiaMaria]

Hi Everyone,

I haven’t been here in a while, but I’m just feeling very frustrated right now and I’m looking for a little advice. So… for the past few months I have been seeing a gender therapist and I recently got my referral letter to start HRT. I should feel happier, but I’m still feeling confused and it’s frustrating. Even after all this time, I can still only see myself/ identify as a male. It’s because of this that I’m scared to even try HRT.

My dysphoria comes in waves. A lot of the time I feel fine, okay (although not necessarily happy) with being male, and dysphoria is not a problem. Other times I find myself so scared about how I feel and really wanting to just get on with it and transition into a woman's body. I am sad that the current state of medicine means I can only “make do” with what hormones and SRS can provide, but my broad shoulders and masculine body shape are here to stay (and deep voice). And not having a real vagina or ovaries or periods or all that. Then my dysphoria goes away and I feel like transitioning would be the stupidest thing I could do because I feel fine and modifying my body in such a drastic way is NOT a good idea. How will I feel 10 or 15 years down the line? Depending on my state of mind the answer varies. And, of course, I worry about 'passing' all the time.

So that is what has been on my mind lately. My biggest concern is that I want to make the right choice for myself: I am afraid of masculinizing any further but don't want to transition until I am absolutely sure that I will benefit from it. I can't be sure because my dysphoria comes in waves (although those waves are increasingly more frequent) and a lot of the time I feel like it would be easier  just being a man rather than opening the can of worms and discrimination and trauma triggers that transitioning would entail. Another concern is that my dysphoria tends to wind down a lot after masturbating, so I am scared I may not be Trans but rather an autogynephilia or something, and I want to make the right choice for myself. I mostly masturbate to the thought of having sex as a woman. Sometimes I masturbate to 'normal' guy thoughts. Just putting that on the table in case it helps.

Ultimately I just want to make the right choice for myself, but I don't even know who I really am. This is tearing me apart. If I do transition, I don't know if my family will accept it, but more importantly I don't know if I can ever accept myself. I would really appreciate any advice anyone has. Thank you! <3

 

[tracy_j]

Hi

 

Just a few of my thoughts on this as I have not been through the whole process to give you a total example, but I think it is something to discuss with your therapist.

 

It is my (and many other peoples view) that the gender spectrum is wide and anyone can be settled at any point along that spectrum. Additionally someone may not really be at any fixed point and vary to and fro. This does make it seemingly difficult. The first thing to do is accept yourself and be relaxed in who you are. I would say understand yourself, but I know from personal experience that it is not easy.

 

My dysphoria relates almost totally to social dysphoria, as I don't see my body as ideal, but not totally wrong. I just used to be very unsure, even nauseous at times in all male situations. It just felt wrong. I also could not relate to typically male behaviour. Bearing in mind that I live in a relatively safe area, I was able to change to a female lifestyle and dress with fairly few probelms. This was without hormones or SRS. I have found, as you are feeling, that once the dysphoria went I did wonder if I was being stupid and that it was just a fad. I then looked in the mirror, and although seeing a very masculine look, I was dressed fully female, and living, to the most part, as such. It is really what is in the mind which is important. The avoidance of dysphoria (or relief via masturbation) puts one in a position of being oneself. It is how you see yourself. Personally I think I am really androgyne / toward female so for me (at least at the moment) living a predominantly female lifestyle works, although it is frustrating at times. It is not wrong if I were to fully transition, but, as I don't have great body dysphoria, for me, it is the potentially healthier alternative to full transition. I must admit though that in many ways I have been living with the understanding that I was not male in the masculine sense since I was very young, and I have always accepted this as normal. Everyone is different so who is to say what is normal? Normal is perhaps an average of a group of behaviours, but any one member is unlikely to be on the average figure.

 

There always seems to be a rush to change, but for someone already through puberty, there is essentially no rigid timetable. If unsure you can take time to start to live as you feel and see how things are. Obviously that depends somewhat on your personal circumstances, but, in my opinion, at first, there is no reason to drop the bombshell and tell everyone. Just progress toward the life you feel and see how things go. Personally I have been wearing female clothes for some years now, but have not formally come out as such to anyone in my family except my son and partner. I found long explanations just didn't work so have, by and large, stopped doing that. They have just got used to my gradual change in looks.

 

Tracy

[TessaOKC]

First and foremost it is easier just staying male, period. I can't think of anyone who would wish the trials and tribulations of being transgender upon themselves, it is who we are and everyone has their own path to take. For me starting hormones was the best decision Ive ever made for myself. With hormones your sexual nature will calm down and you will see your authentic self.

 

There is no "Switch" that is flipped with the point of no return. Even starting hormones, if it's for you then continue, if not then stop. Plenty of people realized once hormones started that it wasn't for them. Most realize it is. I've been on HRT for three years now and I'm still finding myself. I present still as both male and female. I'm highly sensitive and have realized that I will forego "Passing" for merely "Blending In" .

 

It's not easy TiaMarie, matter of fact, being transgender and the realization of this has been a crazy road. Overall I am very happy and feel comfortable in my own skin, something I never did being male. Just the mere fact you are here, went to therapy and have all of these question is a rather strong predictor of where you're headed.

 

I agree with the others, stay in therapy and follow your heart. I wish you the best of luck and was in your shoes not long ago, there is a huge light at the end of this tunnel. That light is the real you!

 

All of my good thoughts to you,

 

Tess

[Gwen]

TiaMaria, I see lots of good suggestions here. I hope you can sort through them and decide what feels right for you. As Tracy noted "the gender spectrum is wide and anyone can be settled at any point along that spectrum." I also feel gender issues are filtered through our personalities and histories so yours will look different than the next person's. I have a sense you're on the path to finding your truths, which will make moving forward feel more secure, but you may have more work to do with your therapist. Waiting another week, another month, will only help the outcome. 

 

And, Tess, your words spoke to me this morning - thank you! I see my therapist tomorrow and reading your message helped me make sense of some things I've been struggling with over the past few days. The future looks brighter

 

We're all blessed to have TransPulse for inspiration.

 

Gwen

[Timber Wolf]

Hi TiaMaria,

My best advice I could give you is just to stress the importance of working with a therapist. You might even consider supplementing that with a psychologist with knowledge of gender issues. This could help with dealing with the outside issues as well.

 

Some good advice I was given early on was to remember that this is not a race. We don't have to "rush" to put any specific labels on ourselves. Sometimes it's best to just take a deep breath, settle our minds down, and learn who we are. And that can take time.

 

This may sound contradictory, but balance this with the above paragraph. We also have to remember that if we wait for things to be perfect in any decision in life, we will never make any decisions. There are always going to be uncertainties and fears. I haven't met anyone yet who has begun transition who hasn't had them.

 

We have to learn ourselves to understand what changes we need to make, and then refuse to allow fear to prevent us from that change. This is not an easy process. Yes, it would be easier to just remain male, but would you be happy?

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf?

[DenimAndLace]

@TiaMaria  What you've described sounds awful!  ...And familiar, though distant.  My heart goes out to you.  I remember having many of those thoughts before I transitioned but please don't take that to mean you should transition because it worked out for me.  There are a million variations between your situation and mine, or anyone's for that matter.  In my OPINION, based on what very little I know about you, "transition" seems premature.  It sounds to me like you're not at the end of your rope yet although close.  You're not at the place many people get to where they can honestly say, "if I DON'T transition, I'm going to die".  That too is a dangerous place but at least then, if you transition and don't like it, you can be confident it wasn't a mistake because you had no other option at the time.  But hopefully what I say next will give you some hope.  There are also a LOT of things you can do to alleviate your dysphoria BEFORE you get to that point and secondarily, it will allow you to "test the water" before you do anything permanent.  If you're a "big" person, lose weight, because on average, women are smaller than men.  You could grow your hair out.  You could change your attire to androgynous.  You could remove body and or facial hair.  You could have your eyebrows trimmed and or shaped a little.  You could practice feminizing your voice.  You could pierce your ears.  You could even try a little makeup (some guys do).  If none of that works, try a low dose of HRT or simply an anti androgen to see how you feel when your sex drive is reduced or gone.  That will help you know if it's autogynophilia or not and if you stop after several months, the changes will probably reverse themselves.  One of my Doctors once told me, "You don't want to overshoot your target" meaning, do as little as you can to find the peace that need.  If you go slowly, you'll probably find happiness along the way even if that ends up being full-on transition.  Hang in there TiaMaria and keep sharing your doubts and questions with your doctors.  I hope you feel better soon.

[TessaOKC]

3 hours ago, Gwen said:

TiaMaria, I see lots of good suggestions here. I hope you can sort through them and decide what feels right for you. As Tracy noted "the gender spectrum is wide and anyone can be settled at any point along that spectrum." I also feel gender issues are filtered through our personalities and histories so yours will look different than the next person's. I have a sense you're on the path to finding your truths, which will make moving forward feel more secure, but you may have more work to do with your therapist. Waiting another week, another month, will only help the outcome. 

 

And, Tess, your words spoke to me this morning - thank you! I see my therapist tomorrow and reading your message helped me make sense of some things I've been struggling with over the past few days. The future looks brighter

 

We're all blessed to have TransPulse for inspiration.

 

Gwen

So glad I could help. You're the greatest!!! Hope you're doing well!!!!

[Sakura]

Transition is not the cure all, it is only a treatment for specific situations and very sever forms of gender dysphoria. There is this Idea that prevails among the community and I  see it in the medical community now more than ever that some kind of transition is the best treatment for all types of gender dysphoria. Doubt fear gut instinct are all things you should be listening to. If there is doubt you need to assuage it, if there is fear you need to confront it and if your gut it telling you something is not right you need to listen to it BEFORE you consider transition. Make sure you are being completely honest with your therapist and see if she/he can help you come up with options to try first before attempting full blown transition. You may find that transition is not YOUR treatment at all. The effects of hormones replacement therapy can be reversed. Coming out telling your family the damage this may cause to your life is very permanent. so, be 100% confident in your self before you let that genie out of the bottle.

 

I recommend taking the hrt( don't worry it is not nearly as permanent as most are led to believe ) often times the libido is the first thing to go with hrt. If the reduced sexdrive ability to masturbate or ability to become erect become really bothersome to you personally you can always stop and you may have yet another piece of your puzzle. Though in the end all of these choices are yours to make .

 

Sakura

[Guest Rachel Gia]

Advice s hard to give but as to the dysphoria going away after masturbation , I think that is normal and nothing to base anything on.

After orgasm men tend to have an about face turn in their libido and focus.

Meditate on it at length and pray for guidance from the universe and your inner self.

 

[TiaMaria]

Thank you all for all the helpful responses. I've been thinking about them a lot today. Hopefully, I will find my answer soon

 

And, Timber Wolf, thanks for asking that question at the end. It's something I have been thinking about for weeks. And whenever I mull it over in my head, denying this and staying as I am is "easier" in the short term only. When I think about Testosterone doing more to my body, I get a sick feeling inside; like "dread" feeling. It's a painful feeling, but, in my head, at least it's familiar. I can tolerate it a bit more because I'm just used to it now. By transitioning, it's like stepping into a giant fog, and everything becomes so unfamiliar. If that makes sense lol <3  

 

 

[KatrinaReann]

Tia, I can really relate to what you are saying. I kind of struggle with the same thing. I am just at the very beginning stage of transitioning and haven't even started the counseling for HRT. But I have been in counseling sessions for years for this and other reasons. Like everyone has said, these are things you can and should discuss with your counselor.

 

When making a decision like this there is always going to be some fear, anxiety, and uncertainty involved to some degree. It is a step in a new direction that we have never taken before. And it is a life changing  thing for ourselves and those around us. While we shouldn't let our fears, worries, and concerns control us we shouldn't just disregard them either. There is a fine line somewhere between the two  that we have to walk. Some people find that line sooner than others. It is different for each one of us.

 

I know for me, even though I have been in counseling for things like depression, anxiety, fear, low self esteem, and self acceptance, the counseling that is to come for HRT and transitioning is going to be even more intense. Because I am going to have to deal with the very things you mention in this thread. I am going to make sure I deal with each issue one at a time. Because dealing with everything all at once can become overwhelming. And if I need to hit a pause button to mull everything over, then I am going to hit the pause button. If you are feeling overwhelmed it is okay to take some time and make sure of the next step. It is ok to take a step back and deal with the fears, the uncertainties, or whatever else you may be dealing with. And even though  you may feel you are a little out of control right now in your mind, remember you alone are in control of where things go from here.

 

So take a deep breath Tia. Take a few days or however much time you need to take and when you are ready take the next step in your journey. One step at a time sweetheart.

 

Hugggsss!!

Katrina