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Confronting the fear/worry/uncertainty of living as a trans* woman?


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Hello everyone. I saw my therapist yesterday, and she felt I was ready to be referred for HRT. Good news, right? But it's filling me with a mix of unwelcome emotions. I know I'll never pass, and can kinda see myself living stealth, but even stealth makes me squirm because I just can't imagine it. The thought of transitioning with HRT excites me greatly - I'm sure it's the woman inside who longs for this - but the old male-me seems to be throwing up obstacles. So today I feel stuck :( I also went out for errands this morning and felt significant gender dysphoria.

 

Any input would be appreciated.

 

Thank you!

Gwen

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55 minutes ago, MaryMary said:

today I pass pretty well.

 

Yes, you absolutely pass! You remind me of my favorite niece :) I think self-confidence may be at the heart of this, that and not knowing how HRT will change me. I'm transitioning at 61 and it seems that my body and face have limitations, unless I seek cosmetic surgery which I can't afford. I just have to muster the courage to jump in and start the process. I'm getting close.

 

Thanks so much for the encouragement.

 

Gwen

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So true, Mary. I can't be 30 again and I can't look like women in magazines. I have to admit that since I came out to myself, I've learned to love clothing and shop at second hand stores often. I NEVER did this as a male. I almost wore a uniform every day - I simply didn't care. I suspect this will help me greatly as I move forward. I know you describe some challenging dysphoria, but I appreciate your very positive outlook. It's inspiring :)

 

Gwen

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  • Admin

Gwen, everyone is different, of course.  I haven't done any surgery to my face, and transitioned at the age of 56.  When this photo was taken, I had been on HRT about 4-5 years.  I think I've turned out OK.  You never know unless you try.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

Carolyns Head Shot 3-2016.jpg

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  • Admin
Just now, MaryMary said:

woah, you are beautifull Carolyn Marie

 

"Blushes"

 

Thank you very much, Mary.

 

Carolyn Marie

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39 minutes ago, MaryMary said:

Read about everything fashion if you like that. Knowing how to dress, when to dress and having clothes you love and who fit your personnality perfectly can be a powerfull ally against dysphoria and even help you pass.

 

https://www.wikihow.com/"Pass"-As-a-Woman

https://feminizationsecrets.com/transgender-facial-feminization/

http://alluresurmesure.blogspot.ca/2009/07/conseil-trompe-loeil-du-jour.html

the last is in french but it shows pictures of clothes who fit well with broad shoulders. Besides, there's always google translate :P

 

Thanks Mary! I just read the first link and found some very sensible suggestions. A great start. I live in an urban area and can sort of imagine a fun retro style. And I can't wait for my hair to grow out. THIS would make me very happy.

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It has been a bit of a learning curve to find a style that i find comfortable.  In my 60's i think i started out trying to look too young.  I was also worried about every detail and just didn't feel comfortable at times.  A beautiful  young cis female friend let me into a secret.  Self doubt is a trap any woman can fall into.  Over time my confidence has grown and apart from phone conversations i can't remember the last time i didn't pass without purposely outing myself.  I'm still tall with big feet and hands. My shoulders didn't shrink nor did a well developed upper body.  Oddly even driving a tractor, a dump truck or using a chainsaw i'm accepted as female.  The key certainly lies in simply being confident in myself.  

It takes time and i know in my 60's  i felt i needed things right away.  Instead i've found a journey full of rewards and growing happiness.  I'll hit 70 in May and will be one hot grandma.

Relax....breath and take the next step.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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Falling into a trap.  Isn't that something we're all good at?  Take a good long look at the women you know and others you see in your daily interactions.  They are all unique in how they look and I'm sure most are concerned that they look "good" before they venture out each day.   But none worry about looking like a woman.  You can see from the photos that are posted here and other's avatars that hormones can work wonders given enough time.  I started in my early sixties and when I look at older photos I have my "wow" moments over the changes.  Remember you will see the changes last.  And I bet they will be good.  Work on being comfortable with yourself, in your own skin.  

 

2 hours ago, Charlize said:

...and will be one hot grandma.

This is something I have always told my wife, and now I say it about myself too.  

 

It's your life.  Own it.

 

Jani

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I used to worry what others thought. In the end it is our own perception of ourselves that holds us back. I would love to pass. But I go out dressed the best I can at the time. Not once has anyone said anything bad to me the worst was at Walmart the clerk called me sir. Hrt helps it seemed to give me confidence to go as I please dressed in women's clothes Earings and bracelets sometimes a little makeup. I even went to a business meeting the other day dressed like this worst thing that happened......( suspense and dramatic music here) they called me by my given name but that's how they knew me and I did not want a long explanation. 

When you dress like you want then

go act like you are comfortable the way you look. 

Be confident, be happy, 

and if you get a comment you don't like. Pretend it doesn't bother you. 

Believe in yourself. 

 

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 I could see this image as one of a woman or as a man in drag.  That doesn't matter.  It's just a picture of me without any makeup on a very cold morning before doing chores on the farm.  

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

Pic 4.pdf

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Thank you, thank you, everyone. This is so helpful. I know you're all have different experiences but there seems to be some commonalities: self-acceptance,  finding your own level of confidence, and developing a style that you can embrace and own. I've read somewhere - it may have been on this site - that it takes courage to live as a trans woman. I think I finally understand why.

 

Big hugs for the weekend.

 

Gwen

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Just now, Charlize said:

 I could see this image as one of a woman or as a man in drag.  That doesn't matter.  It's just a picture of me without any makeup on a very cold morning before doing chores on the farm.  

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

Pic 4.pdf

 

I see "you," the person. And you look very happy :) You're going to make a wonderful grandma.

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Guest Rachel Gia

I am 61 as well and 6 foot 4 inches without shoes on and believe me before all this I felt the same feeling you are feeling. I meditated on on it during the process of "informed consent" and the FAQs sheet on the effects of hormones was beside where I sleep and I think I read it every night .

My doctor is great and after deciding on the right form of Estrogen to use ( I use dermal patches ) I recieved my prescription and went off into the world.

Passing can be a big issue or not a big issue and I read some of the older threads that discuss the philosophical and social aspects of whether the need to pass is valid.

In truth the process of presenting more feminine for me has be a process of me dragging my feet and being pushed gently by my Electrologist and Transition doctor.

i have only been recently using Rach

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Guest Rachel Gia

Oops

I have only recently been using Rachel since November 7th and have been on hormones for 16 months.

i love the strength I get here at my AA meetings.

Try to meditate on it and let your inner voice guide you , not the one that speaks from fear but the one that comes from love.

rachel

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2 hours ago, Rachel Gia said:

Try to meditate on it and let your inner voice guide you , not the one that speaks from fear but the one that comes from love.

 

 

Thanks, Rachel. This has been my strategy and it keeps me smiling most of the time. 16 months is great! I'm happy for you.

 

Gwen

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15 hours ago, Jani423 said:

They are all unique in how they look and I'm sure most are concerned that they look "good" before they venture out each day.   But none worry about looking like a woman.  You can see from the photos that are posted here and other's avatars that hormones can work wonders given enough time.  I started in my early sixties and when I look at older photos I have my

Some very good points here, Jani. I have two very close female friends and they talk openly about their worries with trying to look attractive when they leave home. Sure, they have the advantage of being women, but their struggles are similar to ours. (Mostly based on the awfully unfair beauty standards for women.) And I can't possible know how hormones will change me! I hope I have the experience you describe :)

 

Thanks

Gwen

 

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On 1/5/2018 at 10:51 AM, Gwen said:

Hello everyone. I saw my therapist yesterday, and she felt I was ready to be referred for HRT. Good news, right? But it's filling me with a mix of unwelcome emotions. I know I'll never pass, and can kinda see myself living stealth, but even stealth makes me squirm because I just can't imagine it. The thought of transitioning with HRT excites me greatly - I'm sure it's the woman inside who longs for this - but the old male-me seems to be throwing up obstacles. So today I feel stuck :( I also went out for errands this morning and felt significant gender dysphoria.

 

Any input would be appreciated.

 

Thank you!

Gwen

     Ho Gwen I am 57 years old It is doubtful I will ever pass completely what Being on hormones has done for me is given me the peace of mind to realize I can be me regardless as to whether I pass or not I am still hopeful for significant changes but the mental changes are the most important to me

 

     bobbisue:)

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18 hours ago, bobbisue said:

     Ho Gwen I am 57 years old It is doubtful I will ever pass completely what Being on hormones has done for me is given me the peace of mind to realize I can be me regardless as to whether I pass or not I am still hopeful for significant changes but the mental changes are the most important to me

 

     bobbisue:)

Thank you, Bobbiesue. I think about the mental changes often and can only imagine how good I'll feel inside. I see "Gwen" finally filling me and blossoming like a flower :)

 

Hugs

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