coming to terms with loss of close friendship

[amanda is cute MK3]

My friend dave and i have been friends since 1991 but since i came out we have stopped being close not my choice but his we use to talk a lot more go over to each others house to build models and other things well in the last 2 years that has partially stopped.  he did not call at christmas or new years i have felt he is more distant to me and it hurts.  i have not called him at times i feel not wanted in the group of friends and have kept quiet i don't want it to get more distant then we are now.   at times it's not easy i see he goes off with friends and i am left alone when we are at shows.   

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Amanda,

Wow, do I ever know that feeling. The first person I ever came out to was someone I had considered my best friend. Now he never initiates any contact. I don't feel like he wants me around anymore.

 

It's sad. I miss him. But the problem with my being trans is with him, not me. I guess my being trans is bigger to him than our friendship was.

 

In the end, I have to be true to myself. I can't live a lie just to please him. Ultimately, the disolution of our friendship was his decision, not mine. I can not make him accept me or make him want Carla (me) as a friend. That's something I've had to accept.

 

I'm very sorry to hear what's happening with you and your friend. Maybe he will change his mind. I hope so. But we have to be true to ourselves in the end.

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf?

[Jani]

I think this is how some friendship run their course, either naturally or by some event such as transition.  

 

On 1/6/2018 at 3:24 PM, amanda is cute MK3 said:

i have not called him at times i feel not wanted in the group of friends and have kept quiet i don't want it to get more distant then we are now. 

I know you feel hurt by this but don't contribute to your pain.  Call him.  Ask the question you want to know.  He may be as uncomfortable around you now as you may be around him and the others.   In the end remember that you are not part of the male tribe any longer and while you still have similar hobbies you have moved on in other ways which they have not.  

 

Jani 

[amanda is cute MK3]

I called him yesterday we talked he was very busy with his parents and daughter over christmas and his girlfriend and her 19 year old trans daughter.  so everything is better 

[Charlize]

I'm glad to hear that Amanda.  Strangely i've found that even though i still have some of my old male friends i'm simply not as close as i once was.  When we transition the male female wall creeps up despite the fact that we are essentially the same person.  Maybe it really isn't strange at all but the way society and biology has shaped the relationships between the sexes that intrudes in our friendships.  I have found that over time the "new" me is more forgotten and friendship returns only slightly changed.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[tracy_j]

Good luck Amanda.

 

I had a friend for many years. As I changed he became very touchy and, particuarly,  toward the middle of last year, very trans and homo phobic. I think it was his other friends. He had worried about how other people would react with him from the very beginning (in fact has always been concerned at anything which could taint him as unusual). To me it seems like insecurety, but the break came when his other friends started winding him up, saying that we were an item. He finally snapped and lost his temper ridiculing the clothes I wore.

 

At that point I decided I had had enough and could not put up with the abuse any longer. I walked and have heard nothing from him since.

 

Tracy